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Am I detaching or just cold hearted?

Old 04-10-2011, 09:37 AM
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Am I detaching or just cold hearted?

Earlier this week I posted a question about my AH's 'bathroom issues'. Yesterday he was admitted to the hospital for pancreatitis AGAIN. He was hospitalized just before Christmas for the same. This makes his fourth hospital stay for pancreatitis in 4 years.

Yesterday while sitting in the ER exam room with him for several hours listening to him talk about random BS, I asked him what he was going to do once he got out of the hospital. He kinda laughed and said he was going to get pain meds and go home. I told him I meant what was he going to do to get better, what are his plans? Is he finally going to rehab? He continued acting like he didn't know what I was talking about and changed the subject. I said he KNOWS what is causing his health issues, he KNOWS what he has to do to stop it, what he is currently doing is NOT working. And he still continued denying the fact he is drinking, admitting to only a 'slip' on the anniversary of his grandfathers passing earlier this week. He was still denying his problem was pancreatitis even though the doctor had talked to him just minutes before saying it was pancreatitis.

As he continued talking I gave him his wallet and left him a phone number to reach me when he found out what was going on or when he was released, and I got up and left. I told him I was tired of hearing BS and I just walked away. I had already told him I would be leaving soon because instead of sitting with him at the hospital on yet another holiday/important day I should be home with my daughter. It was my daughter's 16th birthday. And instead of making her day special I was sitting in the hospital with him. Again.

I cried the entire way to my car. It is a huge hospital and I must have looked a mess by the time I got to my car, but once I got there I felt better. I called his mother and let her know he was in the hospital again, and went home.

I feel like I should be more concerned... More upset. But I'm not. Geez, what does this say about me? Am I really the cold hearted b*tch I've been accused of being, or am I finally learning to detach? Let me have it. I can take it.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:40 AM
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Yes, you are detaching. Also, you may be reaching YOUR bottom. There comes a time when we, too, have had enough. Sounds like you're about there.
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:42 AM
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My vote, learning to detach :-)

I hope your daughter had a nice birthday!

db
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:47 AM
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Sounded well done to me?

You let it hurt but you went to what was the real priority.

I think it's well done?
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:58 AM
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The last time my EXABF was at my place, he had yet another low blood sugar episode - these episodes seem to be getting more frequent. He also has high blood pressure, is on anti depressants and looking at how much weight he had put on throughout his belly, I can't help wondering what kind of shape his liver/pancreas are in.

Since we didn't live together, it was hard to see the day-today changes but the blood sugar thing is not new. He admitted to me that his drinking had not stopped after the Christmas binge but still insisted that he was just fine.

When I asked him about the blood sugar episode, he insisted he was "tired" and just needed to rest - after he consumed half a 2 litre bottle of coke and chocolate cookies. His rest didn't lsat long and the episode passed.

When I went to bed that night, I kept asking myself if this is what I really wanted to deal with for the rest of my life - the binges, the medical fallout from his drinking and like you, Shining Stars, do I want to have important days taken over by yet another crisis?

Yeah, I detached from it all but unlike past episodes, I knew this time was different - these crises always seem to happen around the times when important things are happening to me-I just enrolled in some more accounting classes, my mom is coming from back East for a visit, things that are important in my life.

Along with not wanting to have her visit dominated by yet another crisis, I didn't want my classes overtaken by the same thing. I knew that I couldn't live in the shadow of his alcoholism and refusal to deal with it. So, I did the ultimate in detaching and ended the relationship. It's been almost three weeks and while it has been hard at times, the relief I felt has been pretty intense.

Detaching is one thing, detaching with love is the tricky part. You have yourself and your daughter to focus on and that is not being a cold hearted bi**h.

Hugs coming to you from me and puppy dog....
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:05 AM
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Your daughter will never have another 16th birthday again in her life!!!!

But Im thinking he might have another doctors visit...
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:06 AM
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Thanks for saying that. I am definitely at my bottom. But I'm not in a position to leave yet. I am working on it though.

Unfortunately my daughter was so upset it wasn't the best birthday for her. Something always goes wrong on her birthday. And her bio-dad didn't even call her. But we did have a quiet, drama free night without AH. Yay that!
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:08 AM
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I sat by my future husband's bedside while he hovered at death's door when his liver and kidneys shut down and he was in a several-day coma due to alcohol.

After we got married (big mistake on my part--chalk it up to excessive optimism with a healthy dose of denial), he went back to drinking to the point that after he lost his job, I would come home from looking for a SECOND job for myself, to find him passed out on the sofa.

I decided I had done whatever I could to help him when he went through the first hospitalization, and I didn't have it in me to go through another, when he was unwilling to continue to work on his own recovery. I wanted out before he was so sick I wouldn't be able to bear to walk away.

I was accused by him and one of his sisters of being "cold hearted". I wasn't. I still care, to this day, what happens to him, but I no longer have a front-row seat. He knows what to do. He can recover without me if he chooses to do it. His recovery did not, and does not, depend on my being there.

I hit my own bottom. I couldn't save him, but I could still save me.

I hope you were able to have a good day with your daughter. Sixteen is a BIG birthday to celebrate!
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:10 AM
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Oh, you posted at the same time I was! Aw, I can relate to having "bad birthdays". I've had a lot of them. I think a lot of it is the expectations we build up that the day should be perfect.

Quiet and drama-free is always good, though.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:16 AM
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I had an idea while reading your answer, Shine -

maybe make a plan, the oft-bespoke 'plan'
we talk of so often here at SR ....

and let it become the 'living gift' to your daughter
for her 16th birthday?

My own idea of 'living amends'
came from all the people
who had died before I could get sober enough
to make an amends to them
or betwixt whom I had unfinished business.

So I made a list
(I know - shades of "My name is Earl)
and when I come across someone
who is in that position
on EITHER side
I do what I can to help.
And I do everything I possibly can
not to be the person I was under alcohol
to be better.. not 'well' just better.

That's living the amends, to me.

You could do the same ...er...sorta
but not an amends?
And gift that to your daughter...and to yourself.

(I mean, you were present that day as well)

*shrug*

just a thought?
Wonder what to call it....
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:19 AM
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Im NOT an expert and not sure how to write the words. Hoping someone else will kick in
and put it in the right terms..

Detach vs. Leaving....Are 2 seperate things...
Detach comes first....

Why have a quiet 16th birthday? Take her out and have a wild fun time with
her over the next couple of days..Do something for her, that she would
never dream of you to do...Make an appointment to have a makeup makeover
day at the mall, Make an appointment to go have your toenails spiffed up,
Go have mom/daughter pictures taken together, dress up formal and take her
to icecream or put on a prom dress and take her to Kmart, Dress up like a rock
star turn on the music full blast in the house and have a dance contest with her.

You will both have fun, and laugh...It doesnt take money, it takes you to be silly
and go out and have fun with her...Life is short!!!

Give her, what she deserves...A fun loving mommy!!!

The alcoholic husband tends to take that away from us. She doesnt deserve that!!

(Coming from my heart and my past experiances with my daughter & AH)
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:20 AM
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Linkmeister, thanks for sharing that. I didn't see your post (or BobbyJ's) before I replied. I guess that's what I don't understand, how to detach with love vs. just plain detaching. I don't feel like I'm doing it with love, but I have to do it for myself and my kids. AH is such a liar and manipulator that I can't stand to be around him. We don't even sleep in the same room (haven't for 2.5 yrs...I sleep on the couch in the living room)...

BobbyJ, you are so right. Earlier today when I spoke to him he said they kept him in the hospital because of his stomach issues, which were caused by the sinus drainage... Of course none of which are caused by alcohol. I can definitely see more hospital visits in the future...
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:27 AM
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Wow, you guys are typing faster than I am over here! Barb, BobbyJ those are great suggestions. I know I am not the fun loving mommy I used to be, and still want to be! My kids are growing so fast and THIS is not what I want them to remember from their childhood's. I'm finally seeing how much I've changed and trying hard to get back to where I need to be.. for myself and for them.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:29 AM
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Sinus Drainage...Be sure to put that one on the Quacking list!!!

If I only had all of the money back that was spent on his doctor visits,
hospitals bills, prescriptions, toliet paper, days missed from work,
family events that were missed due to him not feeling good...
I WOULD BE ONE RICH BARBIE GIRL!!!!
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:45 AM
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Sinus Drainage?????????? QUACK, QUACK, QUACK........
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:49 AM
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Originally Posted by ShiningStars View Post
Linkmeister, thanks for sharing that. I didn't see your post (or BobbyJ's) before I replied. I guess that's what I don't understand, how to detach with love vs. just plain detaching. I don't feel like I'm doing it with love, but I have to do it for myself and my kids. AH is such a liar and manipulator that I can't stand to be around him.
It's something I questioned (and still do) am I detaching or detaching with love?

A wise Al-Anon friend explained it to me this way: Detaching with love for the alcoholic yes, but detaching with love for yourself as well - and in your case, for your daughter.

You get to the point where it's time to focus on you, detach from the A, let is all go and put it into God's hands.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:53 AM
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This sounds very healthy to me.
There is detachment, in this, and also so much resignation.
He is in the hospital.

What else can you do?

You are not putting more energy into his problem than he is, which might feel cold, because of your former tendencies, but that is all you can do, and that is healthy.
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Old 04-10-2011, 10:59 AM
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not the dreaded.... sinus drainage !!!!

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Old 04-10-2011, 11:06 AM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
not the dreaded.... sinus drainage !!!!

LOL! That is so crazy that its funny...stupid doctors.

So many good posts here already...that I just want to have the "me too" button for all of them.

I think what you did was spot on. You know this is self-inflicted, so why continue to coddle? Instead you took care of your child, on her sweet 16, no less. Good for you for setting your own priorities, regardless of what he did.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:16 AM
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LOL @ the sinus drainage thing...oh boy "quacccck, quaccccck"! As for your question about whether you were a cold hearted bit**...absolutely NOT sweetie! I say "You go girl"! Sure, it hurts to see someone we love doing this to themselves..but detachment is something that might possibly be a "wake-up" call to our loved one. I'm still working on my attachment issues and "codie" issues, but this excellent place is helping me tremendously with that. Hugs and Blessings to you and a BIG happy birthday to your daughter!
Aimee
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