Today is Day 1 of no contact

Old 04-13-2011, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Leslie013 View Post
right now it hurts like hell. I miss him. I am so much in love with him...
I truly and completely understand this. You may be surprised to find in the future, when your missing and loving recede, that what feels so much like being strongly and deeply in love could be a complex mixture of other things.

My biggest growth happened when I broke with a man I still feel was "soulmate" status with.

We have to take care of ourselves, and that means trying to break away from dysfunctional relationships.

Keep in touch here.
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Old 04-14-2011, 03:59 AM
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I made through another day. Yesterday I felt anger at him kick in and I think that was why I had more energy and was able to get quite a bit done.

I did not sleep as well last night and once I got up this intense "missing him" feeling is kicking in. So many thoughts wondering through my mind, I just wanna crawl back under the covers and wake back up and today is over. I keep telling myself you can't lose something that was never yours to begin with, but that's not helping as I sit here and type this with tears streaming down my face.

Who knows maybe it's just feelings of grief that I have to go through to get past this, but I sure don't like feeling this way. :c021

It's going to be a long day today. Only working half a day, then going to the tanning bed, (free week of tanning) then back home and work around the house.

Please keep me in your thoughts today as I'm feeling weak, lonely, scared, alone, sad, confused and just unsure.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 04-14-2011, 04:39 AM
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(((Leslie)))) I'm just catching up on some posts and threads and came across yours here. I am really sorry you are experiencing such heartbreak but I am really impressed with your sense of resolve. Of course you are feeling sad, alone and scared. You are going through a very difficult thing!

I was involved with an addict/narcissist many years ago and did the back and forth thing probably 20 times. All that hurt I put myself through!! But when I was DONE I just gave myself a "good talking to" and did a lot of self-help/spiritual reading for support. When I decided to be done once and for all, I had enough experience with this to know what I needed to do and that it was going to hurt like hell for quite a while. It helped to "prepare myself" mentally for the hurt that was to come...but I ALSO KNEW that it would not last forever. I kept the vision of a tunnel in my mind and my mantra was "you gotta go through it to get to it". Maybe it sounds silly but in those weak moments that silly little mantra got me through the roughest parts. It took me about 6 weeks to get past that raw feeling stage and like I was back among the living.

You're doing real good. We are here for you and please feel free to post as much as you want!

I hope today is a little better for you. (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-14-2011, 05:24 AM
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Thank you everyone for your support.

Somehow I will get through this day.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:14 AM
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Leslie,

Oh my gosh, you are doing SO well.

It doesn't feel like it, but trust me, you are.

1. You are staying in touch with your feelings, yet still functioning

2. You are posting here and keeping in touch with your cyber support group

3. You are leaving your cell phone at home! wow, that's huge

4. You deleted the email w/out repying, you have not contacted him, and you are
making sure you don't "run in" to him. Also...huge

You want the days to just end? So what.
You are in pain, of course you want it over.

One foot in front of the other, girl. You'll do this.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:32 AM
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Thank you everyone.

I just received an email from his sister. I don't think she knows what is going on but in the email she sent to me and also to him, she invited both of us to her adult son's birthday cookout this Sunday.

I have not replied and probably won't. He can do the explaining on why I'm not there if he goes. I will mail her son a birthday card with a gift card inside it.

X's family has been great to me over the last 4 years. They treated me like I was family. To be honest they are the only family I have other than my sons and grandson.

X's sister does not have good memories of her brother as kids when they were growing up. Recently we had dinner together and she shared a lot of things with me that I did not know about her brother. Many of the things were not pleasant. One comment she made was she hopes I don't let her brother take me down with him.

A few weeks ago we were out with most of his family (about 20) and I remember looking at the group and thinking to myself for the first time, "This is my family" and it made me happy. I never shared that thought with anyone.

Now, they are all gone. I know blood is thicker than water so I will quietly fade out of the picture and he can tell them what he wants.

I guess I always thought I was the one that would make enough of a difference in his life that things would change for him. His entire family told me all the time that X is a much better person since I've been in his life.

Only 3 more hours to go and I can leave work. I think I'm going to find a parking lot when I get off work and allow myself to have a "CRY" fest.

I must stay strong. I must stay strong. I must stay strong.

Thank you for reading
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:49 AM
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Wonderful, major step for you!! You will be strong . We all have faith in you and are here to offer you all the support you need. Hang in there. Hugs

:ghug3
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Old 04-14-2011, 03:41 PM
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This makes no sense to me at all. For whatever reason my heart wants him to at least try to contact me. The other part is scared to have him try.

One of the last things I said when we talked was, "We're not even on the same page anymore". His reply was "We're not even in the same book". To me that sounds like he also came to the realization that we were done. Yet if that is true, why is the cell phone not shut off?

I'm getting to the point that if he's going to contact me or show up I wish it would kinda just happen so I don't have to wonder everyday if that will be the day.

I don't feel very strong today, feel like I'm backsliding. Miss him like crazy, still maintaining no contact though.

I didn't sleep well last night so maybe that plays a big part in the way I am feeling.

I did manage to take a walk around the block this morning before work. Ran a couple of errands after work. Came home and tried to take a nap and wasn't able to sleep so I went to the tanning bed.

Confused on why one day I feel so strong and the next day I'm a complete mess. I am trying not to focus on him, but he's not that easy to forget. It's kinda ironic that our last day together was exactly five months from the day we were supposed to get married.

I know I should feel like I dodged a huge bullet, but I'm just not there yet. Dang this is hard.

Thank you for reading.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:19 PM
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His reply was "We're not even in the same book".

Believe him.......
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:10 PM
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I am NC with my AH (hard to be totally with kids) and one day I was having a hard time as I was having to arrange to pick up DS from AH and had to change plans. AH barely spoke with me and whatever he said was totally unsupportive and somewhat nasty.

Long story short I called a friend afterward and she said to me - look at you, you are a basket case and you know what - do you think AH is even thinking about what he said to you or how he said it or about you at all?

The answer of course was no - so there I was wasting all my time and energy for what - it wasn't going to change a thing and I was not feeling good at all, when I could have enjoyed doing something or just being peaceful.

L - You are doing so well with your NC, it will get easier. One thing you don't want to do is become resentful. There's no reason or way to understand why alcoholics do what they do. I think I read a post yesterday that said something like it's just what alcoholics do. So try not to take it personally or be resentful of him not trying to call you - it's a different normal, I suppose (although I have no idea what normal is!)

Just my thoughts, hope it helps some.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:19 PM
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I can understand there is a part of you that wants him to try and contact you and I think that feeling is normal but believe us, it is really for the best that he doesn't. You are being amazingly strong with this no contact. Very cool!

Are there any meetings you can go to? Maybe they would help give you strength and support?
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:57 PM
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Originally Posted by Leslie013 View Post
This makes no sense to me at all. For whatever reason my heart wants him to at least try to contact me. The other part is scared to have him try.

One of the last things I said when we talked was, "We're not even on the same page anymore". His reply was "We're not even in the same book". To me that sounds like he also came to the realization that we were done. Yet if that is true, why is the cell phone not shut off?

I'm getting to the point that if he's going to contact me or show up I wish it would kinda just happen so I don't have to wonder everyday if that will be the day.

I don't feel very strong today, feel like I'm backsliding. Miss him like crazy, still maintaining no contact though.

I didn't sleep well last night so maybe that plays a big part in the way I am feeling.

I did manage to take a walk around the block this morning before work. Ran a couple of errands after work. Came home and tried to take a nap and wasn't able to sleep so I went to the tanning bed.

Confused on why one day I feel so strong and the next day I'm a complete mess. I am trying not to focus on him, but he's not that easy to forget. It's kinda ironic that our last day together was exactly five months from the day we were supposed to get married.

I know I should feel like I dodged a huge bullet, but I'm just not there yet. Dang this is hard.

Thank you for reading.
all that you're going through - wondering when will be the time he will get in touch, wondering why he's doing things the way he's doing them, going over things he's said, thinking about him throughout the day - it sounds like detox to me. Detox is uncomfortable, but you will make it through.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:27 AM
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I went to an Al Anon meeting once before and came out feeling worse than I was when I went in. I am working on the steps and still at step one.

NC still in place on my part. He sent me the invite to his adult nephew's birthday party this weekend. His sister had already sent it to me, but he forwarded the email to me. I started to reply to him that he could tell his family whatever he wanted about why I was not there, but then changed my mind and didn't respond at all.

I will make it through to day. Once again only working half a day. Coming home after that and doing laundry and working around the house.

I guess the things I'm feeling and going through are a form of detoxing. I'll get through it, one moment at a time. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time. Heck one minute at a time.

You guys are gals here rock.

Thank you for reading.

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Old 04-15-2011, 07:35 AM
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You are doing great!
Keep it up!
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