Do they even think about how weird hiding alcohol is?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I don't think this is off topic, but...
I was just reflecting how reactionary I am to this. My husband hid and it bothers me a lot. His sneaky/deceptive/guilty/ashamed way. It gets under my skin!
My coworker can be this way about stupid stuff, like his music. He turns it down when I come in in the same way. He is very private and avoids admitting when he makes mistakes.
Just today, I was staying at a friend's and I left (early in the am), then went back because I forgot something. My friend's son had thought I had left, so he had gotten up and was heading for the computer (his computer use is tightly managed, but he's a teen and pretty addicted to gaming).
When I walked in he pretended to not be going toward the computer and it was that same fakey, embarrased, b.s. energy that sets me off so with my STBXAH.
I think I need to come to grips with my reaction and find peace with people (and myself) that can be fake like this, but it is challenging! It really pushes my buttons!
I was just reflecting how reactionary I am to this. My husband hid and it bothers me a lot. His sneaky/deceptive/guilty/ashamed way. It gets under my skin!
My coworker can be this way about stupid stuff, like his music. He turns it down when I come in in the same way. He is very private and avoids admitting when he makes mistakes.
Just today, I was staying at a friend's and I left (early in the am), then went back because I forgot something. My friend's son had thought I had left, so he had gotten up and was heading for the computer (his computer use is tightly managed, but he's a teen and pretty addicted to gaming).
When I walked in he pretended to not be going toward the computer and it was that same fakey, embarrased, b.s. energy that sets me off so with my STBXAH.
I think I need to come to grips with my reaction and find peace with people (and myself) that can be fake like this, but it is challenging! It really pushes my buttons!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It is impossible to really know what someone else is thinking but I believe there was a good bit of denial behind my xah's hiding. If he bought in six packs or singles, if he threw the empties back in some closet, cabinet, or corner, instead of collecting them in one place to take to the garbage - he could hang on to that tenuous thread of denial about how much he was drinking in a day. Some it was just lazy too. If I drank a case of beer I wouldn't have the energy to clean up either. He drank about 12-18 per day for a very long time and in the end it had to be more then that going by what I found and what I'm sure he pounded in the car before he got home.
He's sober now since the New Year and seems to be doing well but from what I can tell he still seems to be in a bit of denial about how much he drank. The brain can really do some gymastics trying to twist memories and facts. This I know from all the workout my own brain did/does over the years
He's sober now since the New Year and seems to be doing well but from what I can tell he still seems to be in a bit of denial about how much he drank. The brain can really do some gymastics trying to twist memories and facts. This I know from all the workout my own brain did/does over the years
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
The hoarding angle makes sense, though I'm sure it varies from one person to the next. My AW has hoarding tendencies in other aspects of her life; she "stocks up" on things like socks, underwear, cologne, shampoo, etc. She has a lifetime supply of shampoo stashed in various drawers and closets. (She once bought $600 worth of powdered diet shakes at GNC, and I ended up tossing half of it because the date expired.)
I always thought she hid the booze out of guilt, or denial, but maybe she's afraid of running out. Or, maybe a bit of both.
I always thought she hid the booze out of guilt, or denial, but maybe she's afraid of running out. Or, maybe a bit of both.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Mine hoarded things, then changed his mind and hoarded something else. Most of the time he tried to claim that I was the one collecting them, and that he was only helping me.
He had clothes and DVDs/VHS tapes for himself - it was taking over the basement of his mother's house.
The collections he started for me included coins, stuffed animals, pillows, sofa throws, hand towels, umbrellas, hats, shoes, Annalee figurines, Art Deco lamps, pictures to hang on the wall, live plants for the fishtank, and of course he always had the freezer completely full of stuff that he never wanted to eat, but kept buying. He also collected salad dressing and barbeque sauce (all different kinds).
I'm more interested in collecting books, and National Geographics, although he did get me into Fiestaware, so I collect that too (casually, though).
So yes, he was absolutely a hoarder.
He had clothes and DVDs/VHS tapes for himself - it was taking over the basement of his mother's house.
The collections he started for me included coins, stuffed animals, pillows, sofa throws, hand towels, umbrellas, hats, shoes, Annalee figurines, Art Deco lamps, pictures to hang on the wall, live plants for the fishtank, and of course he always had the freezer completely full of stuff that he never wanted to eat, but kept buying. He also collected salad dressing and barbeque sauce (all different kinds).
I'm more interested in collecting books, and National Geographics, although he did get me into Fiestaware, so I collect that too (casually, though).
So yes, he was absolutely a hoarder.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
My AH did this as well, but for him it was to hide the fact that he was an alcoholic. He knew if he just drank a "couple" of beers in front of me or others, it would not appear to be excessive. After all, you can't be an alcoholic if you just drink "a few" beers ..etc.
He did this for years, doing his best to convince everyone I was imagining his slurred words and irrational behavior. He was reasonably successful at this mind game, keeping everyone wondering about his odd behavior, but never being able to have any visual proof he actually abused alcohol. This game of "hide the bottle" allowed him to continue leading the life he had chosen with as little confrontation as possible regarding abusive drinking.
Once I found his carefully hidden stash ... the ridiculous arguments of why his behavior was so strange, why his conversations were irrational and mood swings unpredictable ... were all answered. He was an alcoholic - plain and simple. A reality he didn't want to accept or anyone else to know about.
Our lives changed once the hidden bottles were found - since it became a fact he was capable of ongoing lying and deceit about the extent of his drinking... boundaries were put in place, he could no longer drive our children anywhere ... and he was told he could no longer live with us until he sought total sobriety.
Sadly as most of you know, alcoholism plays by different rules than does social drinking. It is usually progressive and involves lying, denial, anger and blame ... and an endless roller coaster of irrational and bizarre behaviors that impact our daily lives. Once we realize the difficult and challenging situation we are faced with, we can make changes in our lives to help protect our families and ourselves from the insanity of addiction.
He did this for years, doing his best to convince everyone I was imagining his slurred words and irrational behavior. He was reasonably successful at this mind game, keeping everyone wondering about his odd behavior, but never being able to have any visual proof he actually abused alcohol. This game of "hide the bottle" allowed him to continue leading the life he had chosen with as little confrontation as possible regarding abusive drinking.
Once I found his carefully hidden stash ... the ridiculous arguments of why his behavior was so strange, why his conversations were irrational and mood swings unpredictable ... were all answered. He was an alcoholic - plain and simple. A reality he didn't want to accept or anyone else to know about.
Our lives changed once the hidden bottles were found - since it became a fact he was capable of ongoing lying and deceit about the extent of his drinking... boundaries were put in place, he could no longer drive our children anywhere ... and he was told he could no longer live with us until he sought total sobriety.
Sadly as most of you know, alcoholism plays by different rules than does social drinking. It is usually progressive and involves lying, denial, anger and blame ... and an endless roller coaster of irrational and bizarre behaviors that impact our daily lives. Once we realize the difficult and challenging situation we are faced with, we can make changes in our lives to help protect our families and ourselves from the insanity of addiction.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Wow. Yep. I was completely baffled when I first started finding the hidden stashes or hidden empties. I'm not sure I'll ever *know* what XAH was thinking when he hid them. I'm inclined to believe that for the 'full' ones it was a combination of keeping a supply on hand and hiding how much he was drinking; and hiding the empties was a denial/hiding just how much he was drinking thing - from himself and me.
It's weird. I never thought of the small bottle of vodka that XAH kept in the freezer as being a decoy, but yeah that fits "DECOY" - At least in the initial stages of his downhill slide into everyday drinking. (After he was well into the constant drinking phase, the bottle in the freezer disappeared.) I remember he'd get to the stage where he was talking slowly to over-pronunciate all of his words (the step just before the words started slurring), I'd ask how much he'd had. He would tell me that he'd "only had a couple, go check the bottle in the freezer if you don't believe me." When I'd check, sure enough the bottle was still mostly full.....
Even with that little "I don't understand how that little bit could make him drunk", I was still confused when I started finding the hiddens. It's amazing just how strong that need/desire/requirement to deny is.
It's weird. I never thought of the small bottle of vodka that XAH kept in the freezer as being a decoy, but yeah that fits "DECOY" - At least in the initial stages of his downhill slide into everyday drinking. (After he was well into the constant drinking phase, the bottle in the freezer disappeared.) I remember he'd get to the stage where he was talking slowly to over-pronunciate all of his words (the step just before the words started slurring), I'd ask how much he'd had. He would tell me that he'd "only had a couple, go check the bottle in the freezer if you don't believe me." When I'd check, sure enough the bottle was still mostly full.....
Even with that little "I don't understand how that little bit could make him drunk", I was still confused when I started finding the hiddens. It's amazing just how strong that need/desire/requirement to deny is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Mine did not hide it.
BUt I used to take photos, while he was passed out, of the room strewn with cans and him laying in the midst of it all.
He never thought it was excessive. He would wake up, and usually throw them into a bin in the back yard. He would take out the trash.
If I told him he was not allowed to sleep on the couch, because I did not want our young son to see the cans/passed out daddy, he would claim there were never any cans.
It wasnt that bad, he would say...LOL.
Then I would just pull up a picture on the computer.
A 30 pack looks pretty extreme when it is strewn all over a couch/floor around a grown 30+ something man.
BUt I used to take photos, while he was passed out, of the room strewn with cans and him laying in the midst of it all.
He never thought it was excessive. He would wake up, and usually throw them into a bin in the back yard. He would take out the trash.
If I told him he was not allowed to sleep on the couch, because I did not want our young son to see the cans/passed out daddy, he would claim there were never any cans.
It wasnt that bad, he would say...LOL.
Then I would just pull up a picture on the computer.
A 30 pack looks pretty extreme when it is strewn all over a couch/floor around a grown 30+ something man.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
We ended up with a horrible roach problem that took over our entire apartment. I was trying to figure where they alll came from until we moved apts and one closet was full of empties - must have been 80 beer cans in all. Though, this of course was after it became "not okay" for him to drink. Before, they'd take up every surface in the house. Agree with one poster - me thinks he'd just get lazy after drinking so much... that and he'd wait for me to pick them up since my tolerance for mess was so much lower.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
