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Can't skip a day....

Old 04-10-2011, 05:25 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Can't skip a day....

I took one day away from SR and I could feel myself getting sucked back in!
These moments have been so obvious to me that when they happen, I e-mail my girlfriends with the reasons why I am leaving and never coming back!
So that when I am with them again I can read them every time I feel weak.

The leaving is a fact. Afew more weeks. There's no choice, that's good. Because I don't think I would be strong enough to do it on my own.
I know I wouldn't. That's why...his screw up with my residency was such a godsend.
But the coming back (he's got a whole plan to get the money together and have me come back up in a month or 2)
is my decision. And i know I can not allow myself to come back.
I also know how difficult this is going to be. Because I know from prior experiences with my family, that the pain of their torturous ways fades like the memory of childbirth. If we mother's never forgot some of the pain we would never have more than one child.
So I will have to keep reminding myself of the pain.
I'm going to find a good therapist and allanon meetings right away.
I will be so busy getting my life back together that I will hardly have time to care that I'm sleeping on my friends couch with no money (or anything else to my name).

And I will definately have to keep up with my daily visits here. This website, has brought me to sanity, and is keeping me there right now.

I just needed to vent this morning. Thankyou for listeniing!

Oh one more thing..... Did any of you ever feel so overwhelmed toward the end? Like you really thought you were gonna lose it for sure? If so how did you handle it?
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Old 04-10-2011, 07:29 AM
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Originally Posted by starlight40 View Post
I e-mail my girlfriends with the reasons why I am leaving and never coming back!
So that when I am with them again I can read them every time I feel weak.

Oh one more thing..... Did any of you ever feel so overwhelmed toward the end? Like you really thought you were gonna lose it for sure? If so how did you handle it?

This is what happened to me:
I was trying to land a job in a town 5 hours away, I knew I was going to file for divorce (couldnt decide on when), I needed to find a place to live (but where - here or there), my A was being kind, my A was walking around on eggshells and so were we........ I was a hot mess!

So I picked up the phone and called someone from my Alanon meeting. She listened while I cried. She listened while I told her about all the life changing decisions I needed to make. I didn't know where to start. This is what she said to me:

"You do have a lot of big decisions to make. All of them will affect your future. But do you need to have all the answers by 3 p.m. today?"

What?

She was right. I did not need to have all the answers by 3 p.m. today. I needed to let go and give my worries to my HP. I needed to stay in the moment. Do what I needed to do to get through the next hour, two hours and the rest of that day.

It worked.

by practicing patience, more options were revealed and I was able to make healthy, peaceful decisions.

One other thing I did was to keep a small note in my wallet (in with the bills or coins). On that small note was a list. The title of the list said this:
Living with _____________(insert alcoholics name) means:
Depression
Lies
Financial disasters
Emotional abuse
Anger

That list kept me from forgetting why I was leaving.
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Old 04-10-2011, 11:47 AM
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Well in a way you *ARE* losing it
because changing everything
is pretty much ... changing everything.

I mean,
when a POW leaves the camp
everything pretty much is 'gone', right?

I'm glad you posted
I've been thinking about your situation
and wondering how it's going...
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:09 PM
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When I walked away from RAH while he was still a drunk, I thought I was going to die.

I did not know how to feel, how to get back to me focused life.
When he was sober, and still being myopic and selfish, I had to make the first move to get him out of my childs everyday life...
It had to happen, but for the first few nights I was sleeping rough, then the next few nights I was feeling safe, untensing..Then I woke up smiling a few times.

The absence of so much chaos, and forboding tension, it takes a minute to wean off of, but...your body, mind, and heart will repay you for taking this action on their behalf, and it will start feeling good again to be you.

My RAH is still in my life, but I feel so much freer to be who I am, to have the day I am having while he is not just swirling his active chaos in my path day to day, becuase he lives by himself, with all of his messy mind swirls as roommates. My roommate is my self and my 6 year old.

You will remember to exhale, soon.
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Old 04-10-2011, 12:18 PM
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I have SR bookmarked for easy reference. When I don't come and at least read the posts, I feel there's something missing-a reality check,if you will.

I made the decision to end things with EXABF three weeks ago. Got it marked in my daybook, along with all of my school assignments, things to do, thatkind of stuff. In that book, I wrote down words to remind me of why I left him, kind of like Pelican's list. When I question my decision or feel like re-engaging, I come here to SR, tlk to some AL-Anon friends and read the words I wrote.

Since I made the decision, I have managed to do a lot of chores I neglected because I was so focused on the A's issues. Relinquishing myself of that burden has freed me is so many ways-I am slowly finding my focus, keeping busy, coming here, going to Al-Anon meetings......each day, it gets a bit easier and I am enjoying the freedom to be me.
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Old 04-10-2011, 02:59 PM
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thank you all.

After my morning rant, I checked the weather (beautiful)
So I got showered, dressed and around 11:00 am I went out/to a friend's house, and did not get back till dinner.
It was so amazing!
Then I come home and I see just how miserable my AH is just sitting in his s..t!
He goes nowhere even though he has a car ( I have to walk everywhere)
He does nothing. And my essence has not been here for a while for him to feed off of, He just looks down right pathetic! he doesn't say anything ...
But the look on his face says it all.

I guess it must be pretty hard to know that the only time I have a smile on my face anymore is when I'm coming in the door. That yes infact I have to find my happiness outside of these four walls. He's not a stupid man by any means.
I'm sure he gets it. I'm the stupid one. It took me almost 11 years to understand this!

Thank you again for the ongoing support and suggestions. I can't wait until the day that I feel qualified to give advice to a newbie.

Oh yeah, you guys who have read all my posts will appreciate this.
You know how isolated I've been. How he doesn't want me talking to anyone.
WEll everyone on the reserve was out today. I not only talked to a whole lot of people, I hung out with them!
And ya know what I found out. I'm still as likeable as I always used to be.
My self confidence took a major boost today.

Well, I'm going to top off my day by dying my hair (covering those greys)
I've only been here 2 years, but to look at me you'd think it was 10!
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Old 04-10-2011, 09:12 PM
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Today is a New Day
 
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I am so happy to hear you are still working towards your own recovery and freedom.
How awesome, to enjoy a beautiful sunny day! And I can certainly relate to the feelings of discovering that people actually enjoy talking with you.


You are doing the right thing, and I am so happy for you!
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