Newbie needs crash-course/advice
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
Newbie needs crash-course/advice
Hi all. First-time poster. I've read just a bit of this forum.
My previous experience with alcoholics/addicts: practically zero.
My alcoholic-in-denial BIL is presently out of work because of an alcohol-related incident. His W (my hubby's sister) has, until recently, always let him take care of the finances. Now she finds out that all their credit cards are maxed out. And they don't have enough money to stay afloat for much longer.
She called my hubby to ask to borrow a few thousand. At the moment, things are tighter for us than usual, but we can still afford to loan/give that amount. And of course we want to help her.
But before we do anything, I thought I'd better get advice/info from those who have experience dealing with alcoholics. What can we do to avoid making our help into "enabling" behavior? Are there any conditions we need to put forth before giving the money? Hubby and I plan to encourage her to go to an Al-Anon meeting and/or go to counseling-- Is that a good idea to suggest it, or is that getting controlling/nosey?
Hubby and I are clueless about how to proceed. Thanks in advance for any advice or experience-stories.
My previous experience with alcoholics/addicts: practically zero.
My alcoholic-in-denial BIL is presently out of work because of an alcohol-related incident. His W (my hubby's sister) has, until recently, always let him take care of the finances. Now she finds out that all their credit cards are maxed out. And they don't have enough money to stay afloat for much longer.
She called my hubby to ask to borrow a few thousand. At the moment, things are tighter for us than usual, but we can still afford to loan/give that amount. And of course we want to help her.
But before we do anything, I thought I'd better get advice/info from those who have experience dealing with alcoholics. What can we do to avoid making our help into "enabling" behavior? Are there any conditions we need to put forth before giving the money? Hubby and I plan to encourage her to go to an Al-Anon meeting and/or go to counseling-- Is that a good idea to suggest it, or is that getting controlling/nosey?
Hubby and I are clueless about how to proceed. Thanks in advance for any advice or experience-stories.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((SpinningPlates))) - welcome to SR!
Others will be along soon, but this is my opinion. IF you loan her the money, I would highly suggest that you tell her SHE needs to take control of the finances...do whatever it takes to limit or prevent your BIL from access to money.
Unfortunately, there's a very high likelihood that he will burn through that money in no time, and A's (addicts/alcoholics) are very good at getting what they want.
I'm an RA (recovering addict) and recovering codie (codependent) with loved one's who are A's. I'm broke as heck, right now (consequences of MY addiction) but when I do have a little extra money, I won't loan/give it to anyone that is still active in use...or their family members, as I know how hard it is to say "no" and how sneaky they can be.
I know you don't want your SIL to suffer, but she is going to have to suffer consequences, too, in order to learn how to not bail him out when he messes up, and protect herself.
One other thing...I found out, a long time ago, that I don't loan money I can't afford to do without. It may, or may not ever come back, so even if they say "I'll pay you back", I accept that it may not happen, and I have to be okay with that before I do it.
You've found a great place with a lot of supportive people....glad you're here, but sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. You may want to read through the "stickies" (posts at the top of this forum, and other posts...pretty enlightening stuff.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Others will be along soon, but this is my opinion. IF you loan her the money, I would highly suggest that you tell her SHE needs to take control of the finances...do whatever it takes to limit or prevent your BIL from access to money.
Unfortunately, there's a very high likelihood that he will burn through that money in no time, and A's (addicts/alcoholics) are very good at getting what they want.
I'm an RA (recovering addict) and recovering codie (codependent) with loved one's who are A's. I'm broke as heck, right now (consequences of MY addiction) but when I do have a little extra money, I won't loan/give it to anyone that is still active in use...or their family members, as I know how hard it is to say "no" and how sneaky they can be.
I know you don't want your SIL to suffer, but she is going to have to suffer consequences, too, in order to learn how to not bail him out when he messes up, and protect herself.
One other thing...I found out, a long time ago, that I don't loan money I can't afford to do without. It may, or may not ever come back, so even if they say "I'll pay you back", I accept that it may not happen, and I have to be okay with that before I do it.
You've found a great place with a lot of supportive people....glad you're here, but sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. You may want to read through the "stickies" (posts at the top of this forum, and other posts...pretty enlightening stuff.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Here's the long and the short of it. It is highly unlikely you will ever see the money again. If you loan this money to her, know that it is probable you are helping to prolong what is already going to be a very painful process for your sister.
If you make what I consider to potentially be a mistake of monumental proportions and loan them this money, please do so with no expectation of ever being paid back, and please don't harass your sister to get it back-- she'll have very little control over this and will be in a kind of pain only those of us who have lived with and loved alcoholics understand.
If there's a way to help your sister without helping him, I might answer this in a different way-- except I would still tell you to think of it as a gift or very, very long term loan.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
If you make what I consider to potentially be a mistake of monumental proportions and loan them this money, please do so with no expectation of ever being paid back, and please don't harass your sister to get it back-- she'll have very little control over this and will be in a kind of pain only those of us who have lived with and loved alcoholics understand.
If there's a way to help your sister without helping him, I might answer this in a different way-- except I would still tell you to think of it as a gift or very, very long term loan.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
My XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) spent everything as soon as he got money. He made twice as much as I did, and I was always paying to keep him afloat.
I went from a college student who had one credit card (with no carried balance), $5k savings in the bank, and had already paid off my college loans before I graduated, to someone with three maxed out credit cards ($25k debt), a furniture loan ($3k), and two loans out of my 401(k) equivalent ($10k loan), in a period of about two years.
Last I knew, he had $200k in debt, and still rising.
He also owed $50k to his mother, in addition to the others, of which he intended to pay back $5k.
I did the math, if I had lived the way I live now, rather than trying to bail him out all the time, I'd have $100k in my savings account.
Lending money to an alcoholic is like throwing it into a black hole.
It'll never come back, and since you bailed them out once, they'll keep asking for more.
I went from a college student who had one credit card (with no carried balance), $5k savings in the bank, and had already paid off my college loans before I graduated, to someone with three maxed out credit cards ($25k debt), a furniture loan ($3k), and two loans out of my 401(k) equivalent ($10k loan), in a period of about two years.
Last I knew, he had $200k in debt, and still rising.
He also owed $50k to his mother, in addition to the others, of which he intended to pay back $5k.
I did the math, if I had lived the way I live now, rather than trying to bail him out all the time, I'd have $100k in my savings account.
Lending money to an alcoholic is like throwing it into a black hole.
It'll never come back, and since you bailed them out once, they'll keep asking for more.
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