Finances....what is fair?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Finances....what is fair?
So, up until 6 weeks ago, I have been in control of our finances. My RAH's checks would be direct deposited into an account in my name. We have had joint accounts in the past(10 yrs ago), but due to his complete lack of responsibility with the account, I removed all funds and opened an account in my name and have not wavered on my decision to NEVER again have a joint checking account with him.
Up until our almost 6 year old was born, I worked out of the home. At that time, I became a stay at home mom to our children and he continued to work out of the home. Over the last 6 years I have built up my own clientele and am now running a pretty good business out of our home and am still able to be there for the kids whenever need be. I am completely responsible for the 4 children's schedules, care, etc. and work whenever I get the chance.
6 weeks ago, my RAH decided that I am too controlling with the money and has opened his own checking account in which he puts ALL of his money. He has stated that he works his A** off and shouldn't have to pay for so much. Out of 6 weeks of checks, he has been gracious enough to give 2 of those for bills. I have not complained about this yet, and I am surprised at my calmness over this as money and security are very important to me. I am not ready for the battle that he so wants to happen.
He claims that all of these years, he has worked so hard. What have I done with all of "his" money. He trusted me and I have completely screwed him over. Huh????
We have a beautiful home, nicely dressed children, 3 vehicles, ATV, boat, IRA's, Investments, Savings account, etc. What do you mean, where did it all go?? I am tempted to say, "here ya go...here are the bills. You are in charge." Would he then realize that it is not easy to pay all the bills and still build on our investments/retirement accts? Honestly, he has no idea what anything costs....satellite, cell phones, dr/dds, electricity, phone bill, insurance, GROCERIES....and maybe putting him in charge will open his eyes. But, who am I kidding? Nothing opens his eyes. And if I put him in charge, goodbye to the accounts that I have worked so hard for to give us financial security. In addition to this, both of our work is very seasonal, so the person in charge needs to realize that even though they may "feel" like they have alot of money right now.....that money needs to be saved for the times when our work is slow and we are not making enough to pay the bills. I don't think he is capable of this.
So, as much as I want to just let this go and take it's course, I am struggling with watching all of my hard work go down the drain because once again, this a**hole is screwing everything up. What is fair? Based on our incomes, he has always paid about 2/3 and I pay 1/3. I thought this was more than fair for him as I would say 70% of my work is unpaid household chores and caring for children. Anything that is left goes into savings/investments OR we discuss if we will be making a purchase of some sort with it.
I admit, an account in my name only is controlling. However, it was a necessary choice due to his actions. He wants a joint checking account, badly. I don't really know why he is pushing so hard for this, I have always taken out cash for him when depositing his checks and the times when he needed more, I always handed over the cash card to him to get more. Just not sure what to do.
Part of me says to give in to the joint account. The other part of me says go to the county and file for support. Can you do that if he is still living with us? Ughhh.....he drives me crazy. I could be relaxing with my kids watching a movie right now and instead I am here, AGAIN, trying to sort out this mess. Thanks for listening and don't be too hard on me.
Up until our almost 6 year old was born, I worked out of the home. At that time, I became a stay at home mom to our children and he continued to work out of the home. Over the last 6 years I have built up my own clientele and am now running a pretty good business out of our home and am still able to be there for the kids whenever need be. I am completely responsible for the 4 children's schedules, care, etc. and work whenever I get the chance.
6 weeks ago, my RAH decided that I am too controlling with the money and has opened his own checking account in which he puts ALL of his money. He has stated that he works his A** off and shouldn't have to pay for so much. Out of 6 weeks of checks, he has been gracious enough to give 2 of those for bills. I have not complained about this yet, and I am surprised at my calmness over this as money and security are very important to me. I am not ready for the battle that he so wants to happen.
He claims that all of these years, he has worked so hard. What have I done with all of "his" money. He trusted me and I have completely screwed him over. Huh????
We have a beautiful home, nicely dressed children, 3 vehicles, ATV, boat, IRA's, Investments, Savings account, etc. What do you mean, where did it all go?? I am tempted to say, "here ya go...here are the bills. You are in charge." Would he then realize that it is not easy to pay all the bills and still build on our investments/retirement accts? Honestly, he has no idea what anything costs....satellite, cell phones, dr/dds, electricity, phone bill, insurance, GROCERIES....and maybe putting him in charge will open his eyes. But, who am I kidding? Nothing opens his eyes. And if I put him in charge, goodbye to the accounts that I have worked so hard for to give us financial security. In addition to this, both of our work is very seasonal, so the person in charge needs to realize that even though they may "feel" like they have alot of money right now.....that money needs to be saved for the times when our work is slow and we are not making enough to pay the bills. I don't think he is capable of this.
So, as much as I want to just let this go and take it's course, I am struggling with watching all of my hard work go down the drain because once again, this a**hole is screwing everything up. What is fair? Based on our incomes, he has always paid about 2/3 and I pay 1/3. I thought this was more than fair for him as I would say 70% of my work is unpaid household chores and caring for children. Anything that is left goes into savings/investments OR we discuss if we will be making a purchase of some sort with it.
I admit, an account in my name only is controlling. However, it was a necessary choice due to his actions. He wants a joint checking account, badly. I don't really know why he is pushing so hard for this, I have always taken out cash for him when depositing his checks and the times when he needed more, I always handed over the cash card to him to get more. Just not sure what to do.
Part of me says to give in to the joint account. The other part of me says go to the county and file for support. Can you do that if he is still living with us? Ughhh.....he drives me crazy. I could be relaxing with my kids watching a movie right now and instead I am here, AGAIN, trying to sort out this mess. Thanks for listening and don't be too hard on me.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Yes, this is the same gem.
He is supporting us somewhat, on his terms, and what he thinks is a fair amount, based on nothing except what his mind tells him is fair. He doesn't know what the bills are. And, even when given an itemized list of bills with the actual bills attached, he just says it's not fair. Well, then maybe you should have your cell phone and Dish Network disconnected and give up one of your vehicles? That's not fair, either, he says. "I work hard and deserve the things I have". My response? "Yes, you do work hard. But by working, you earn money, which in turn you use to get the things you want." His response? "Not fair!"
He is supporting us somewhat, on his terms, and what he thinks is a fair amount, based on nothing except what his mind tells him is fair. He doesn't know what the bills are. And, even when given an itemized list of bills with the actual bills attached, he just says it's not fair. Well, then maybe you should have your cell phone and Dish Network disconnected and give up one of your vehicles? That's not fair, either, he says. "I work hard and deserve the things I have". My response? "Yes, you do work hard. But by working, you earn money, which in turn you use to get the things you want." His response? "Not fair!"
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,849
I have to wonder what you're getting out of the relationship, too. He is obviously very self-centered and only worries about what HE gets out of the deal. You deserve better and your children certainly deserve better.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Guess what. There is no "fair" when dealing with a selfish alcoholic. You are in a power struggle. I was in one, too. I fought for years to get him to see and do things my way. And he fought for years against it. You will NEVER win. You will only make yourself crazy. And your children will suffer.
L
L
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
He is supporting us somewhat, on his terms, and what he thinks is a fair amount, based on nothing except what his mind tells him is fair. He doesn't know what the bills are. And, even when given an itemized list of bills with the actual bills attached, he just says it's not fair. Well, then maybe you should have your cell phone and Dish Network disconnected and give up one of your vehicles? That's not fair, either, he says. "I work hard and deserve the things I have". My response? "Yes, you do work hard. But by working, you earn money, which in turn you use to get the things you want." His response? "Not fair!"
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Man, struck a chord. Same thing--AH totally irresponsible with finances, so I too have had my own account and pay the bills.
Since I've gone on my little separation, I've ignored bills that don't affect me or my credit rating. I figure if they turn off the heat, he'll pay it.
So that's what's happened. The wireless phone service got shut off, and he had to pay it. Man, what a stink! He sent an email to the whole family (a couple of our kids are still on the family plan--it's only $30 extra), complaining about "I can't pay these bills"--what? ONE bill? So when we talked on the phone and he was b*tching and complaining, I said, "Yeah, some bills are really painful to pay. I know how you feel. You know what bills are painful for me? The leasing and commercial loans" (Those are his business bills that I pay because they're on my credit and the house is attached to them--boy was I DUMB to co-sign but that's another story).
That shut him up, and he even said sheepishly, "Yeah, we should talk about that."
I'm not holding my breath.
Anyway, if you're looking for a "fair" and objective resolution, try Suze Orman's plan--except don't have a joint account. I'm kind of doing that.
Suze Orman: How to Split Bills @ MoneyMusings.com
Since I've gone on my little separation, I've ignored bills that don't affect me or my credit rating. I figure if they turn off the heat, he'll pay it.
So that's what's happened. The wireless phone service got shut off, and he had to pay it. Man, what a stink! He sent an email to the whole family (a couple of our kids are still on the family plan--it's only $30 extra), complaining about "I can't pay these bills"--what? ONE bill? So when we talked on the phone and he was b*tching and complaining, I said, "Yeah, some bills are really painful to pay. I know how you feel. You know what bills are painful for me? The leasing and commercial loans" (Those are his business bills that I pay because they're on my credit and the house is attached to them--boy was I DUMB to co-sign but that's another story).
That shut him up, and he even said sheepishly, "Yeah, we should talk about that."
I'm not holding my breath.
Anyway, if you're looking for a "fair" and objective resolution, try Suze Orman's plan--except don't have a joint account. I'm kind of doing that.
Suze Orman: How to Split Bills @ MoneyMusings.com
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Guess what. There is no "fair" when dealing with a selfish alcoholic. You are in a power struggle. I was in one, too. I fought for years to get him to see and do things my way. And he fought for years against it. You will NEVER win. You will only make yourself crazy. And your children will suffer.
L
L
Listen to this, she is right. The more you talk, the more he balks. That's the power struggle game.
Fair is a place we go to ride the rides, anyway.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I think that randomly deciding to give you only 2 out of 6 paychecks is wrong. If he wants to be treated like a grown-up partner, he should act like one.
I would stop paying the bills that are just for him. Since he is keeping so much of his money, he should pay them himself. Actually, a consultation with a lawyer might be the best thing to do right now. You and your children do have rights. He cannot arbitrarily hold back funds.
Just my opinion...but I hope there is some way that he will feel the consequences of his completely unacceptable behavior. You and your 4 children should not have to.
I would stop paying the bills that are just for him. Since he is keeping so much of his money, he should pay them himself. Actually, a consultation with a lawyer might be the best thing to do right now. You and your children do have rights. He cannot arbitrarily hold back funds.
Just my opinion...but I hope there is some way that he will feel the consequences of his completely unacceptable behavior. You and your 4 children should not have to.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 49
Don't have a lot of time, but if he is only contributing 1/3 instead of his 2/3 at the moment, it will not be long before you have to dip into savings..so I think this does need to be addressed sooner rather than later.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by sillysquirrel
Yes, this is the same gem.
He is supporting us somewhat, on his terms, and what he thinks is a fair amount, based on nothing except what his mind tells him is fair. He doesn't know what the bills are. And, even when given an itemized list of bills with the actual bills attached, he just says it's not fair. Well, then maybe you should have your cell phone and Dish Network disconnected and give up one of your vehicles? That's not fair, either, he says. "I work hard and deserve the things I have". My response? "Yes, you do work hard. But by working, you earn money, which in turn you use to get the things you want." His response? "Not fair!"
He is supporting us somewhat, on his terms, and what he thinks is a fair amount, based on nothing except what his mind tells him is fair. He doesn't know what the bills are. And, even when given an itemized list of bills with the actual bills attached, he just says it's not fair. Well, then maybe you should have your cell phone and Dish Network disconnected and give up one of your vehicles? That's not fair, either, he says. "I work hard and deserve the things I have". My response? "Yes, you do work hard. But by working, you earn money, which in turn you use to get the things you want." His response? "Not fair!"
Wow. Just wow. Guys like him give alcoholism a bad name.
I think the earlier post that this is about a lot more than money or checking accounts is true. It's about power, nothing more. I would say have a talk about what the money priorities are but the above quote suggests that's a waste of time. You might want to consider talking to a lawyer.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
This morning, "R"AH started listing off things he needs.....groceries, shaving cream, underwear, etc. Just a little FYI for me the next time I go shopping. I replied with "I can't really afford to buy those things for you. I have a lot of bills I need to figure out how I am going to take care of." No response.
About an hour later, out of the blue, he says...."I heard you whining about money again this morning. I left one of my paychecks on the counter."
I was whining??? Really??? And thanks for your generosity to give up an entire paycheck to the family. What a guy!!!
About an hour later, out of the blue, he says...."I heard you whining about money again this morning. I left one of my paychecks on the counter."
I was whining??? Really??? And thanks for your generosity to give up an entire paycheck to the family. What a guy!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2005
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What are you, his mother? He can't pick up shaving cream and sh!t for himself? His legs broken? Sheesh.
And now it's settled?!?! He would rather give you another pay check than go to the grocery store?!?!? LOL!!! What a goober.
And now it's settled?!?! He would rather give you another pay check than go to the grocery store?!?!? LOL!!! What a goober.
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Originally Posted by Jazzman
What are you, his mother? He can't pick up shaving cream and sh!t for himself? His legs broken? Sheesh.
And now it's settled?!?! He would rather give you another pay check than go to the grocery store?!?!? LOL!!! What a goober.
And now it's settled?!?! He would rather give you another pay check than go to the grocery store?!?!? LOL!!! What a goober.
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Originally Posted by pixilation
I'm impressed, if I say something about groceries, etc I get a hundred bucks thrown at me, not a whole paycheck.
He is 40!
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