What do you do when somebody dominates an Alanon Meeting...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
...so I received some excellent responses on this thread that really made me think, and I also called a couple of the old-timers from my Alanon group and got a response I did not expect at all.
What I expected was some form of, "I agree with the message but not how and when you delivered it-- the group comes first." What I got was, "thanks so much for saying something, this guy's been very dominant lately and I'm glad you said it when you said it." It's an all-mens' group, and maybe that's why, but I'm trying not to let this validate my actions so much that I'm still not reflective.
I'm not sorry at all, but something in my brain is telling me I should be and that I owe him an apology. I'm still not sure what, if anything, I'm going to do in regards to my interaction with him.
I can honestly say I have no ego around this, and I can honestly admit I was controlling in response to his dominance. I have to say, though, that when somebody is stealing my group from me I get very defensive of it. It's funny, when people attack me personally these days I'm able to really understand it's about them and walk away and/or set boundaries. However, when they attack my home, and Alanon is my home, I get very, very, very defensive of it. Primarily to selfishly protect it for me, but also to protect it for others.
No others, no group. No group, no Alanon. No Alanon, no recovery (and for me, no Alanon, no higher power).
Thanks for listening. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
What I expected was some form of, "I agree with the message but not how and when you delivered it-- the group comes first." What I got was, "thanks so much for saying something, this guy's been very dominant lately and I'm glad you said it when you said it." It's an all-mens' group, and maybe that's why, but I'm trying not to let this validate my actions so much that I'm still not reflective.
I'm not sorry at all, but something in my brain is telling me I should be and that I owe him an apology. I'm still not sure what, if anything, I'm going to do in regards to my interaction with him.
I can honestly say I have no ego around this, and I can honestly admit I was controlling in response to his dominance. I have to say, though, that when somebody is stealing my group from me I get very defensive of it. It's funny, when people attack me personally these days I'm able to really understand it's about them and walk away and/or set boundaries. However, when they attack my home, and Alanon is my home, I get very, very, very defensive of it. Primarily to selfishly protect it for me, but also to protect it for others.
No others, no group. No group, no Alanon. No Alanon, no recovery (and for me, no Alanon, no higher power).
Thanks for listening. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
She agreed that this person dominated but she was the chair so...........
We disagreed. My sponser had no real valid points to why someone should not visit with this person. Just basically leave it be..........???????
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Sponsors are not perfect people either. She may just be afraid to "rock the boat" as well.
Ultimately, each of us have a choice, and we're the person who has to live with our choices.
It is better to make our own mistakes than someone else's mistakes, in my mind. At least if we stick to making our own mistakes, we learn something about ourselves in the process!
That said, it never hurts to ask others' opinions, as long as we follow what we feel is right after listening to what others have to say, rather than dismissing their words completely, or dismissing our feelings completely, both of which are bad extremes.
It is difficult if the person is the chair. Usually, though, the chair speaks last, I think? So I suppose you could get up and leave the room early? You could always head to the restrooms, by the time you get back the meeting should be over, and you can participate in the talking afterwards?
Just a thought.
Ultimately, each of us have a choice, and we're the person who has to live with our choices.
It is better to make our own mistakes than someone else's mistakes, in my mind. At least if we stick to making our own mistakes, we learn something about ourselves in the process!
That said, it never hurts to ask others' opinions, as long as we follow what we feel is right after listening to what others have to say, rather than dismissing their words completely, or dismissing our feelings completely, both of which are bad extremes.
It is difficult if the person is the chair. Usually, though, the chair speaks last, I think? So I suppose you could get up and leave the room early? You could always head to the restrooms, by the time you get back the meeting should be over, and you can participate in the talking afterwards?
Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Well to balance things out for the guys, and that isn't something I would usually raise my hand to do, smirk smirk...
there are two older women at my group that I think don't get out much, and talking at alanon may be their only human contact for days.
there are two older women at my group that I think don't get out much, and talking at alanon may be their only human contact for days.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2022
Posts: 4
Alanon tells us that all of us are Responsible for the Health of a Meeting
Alanon readings remind us that if there is an unhealthy dynamic in an alanon meeting all of us are responsible to say something. Our success in alanon can be greatly affected by an unhealthy meeting. I can either find another meeting or work to express concerns to make the meeting I'm attending more healthy.
A business meeting can be a great place to bring up a concern. Sometimes it needs to be addressed in the moment. I think the challenge for me is to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean. If I wait til my frustration of the situation builds, I may not say it nicely; so I've learned to say something sooner rather then later. It's important to set boundaries and alanon tells us that dominance in Alanon is a hinderance to success.
Another way to deal with a situation like this is if you are the chair and there is an individual who shares over time, to say at the beginning of the meeting, "Alanon tells us that dominance is a hinderance to success in alanon, so today if anyone's share goes over _______ min. I will give a gentle reminder to find a way to wrap up the share so other members have a chance to share. If anyone needs to discuss things more in depth please seek someone out after the meeting to share in more details.
A business meeting can be a great place to bring up a concern. Sometimes it needs to be addressed in the moment. I think the challenge for me is to say what I mean, mean what I say, and not say it mean. If I wait til my frustration of the situation builds, I may not say it nicely; so I've learned to say something sooner rather then later. It's important to set boundaries and alanon tells us that dominance in Alanon is a hinderance to success.
Another way to deal with a situation like this is if you are the chair and there is an individual who shares over time, to say at the beginning of the meeting, "Alanon tells us that dominance is a hinderance to success in alanon, so today if anyone's share goes over _______ min. I will give a gentle reminder to find a way to wrap up the share so other members have a chance to share. If anyone needs to discuss things more in depth please seek someone out after the meeting to share in more details.
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