wanttobehealthy

barb-
it's almost like you're a clairvoyant! mil called twice today. i went online (my voicemail is connected to my internet) and deleted the messages. her son (ah) has a cell phone and she has not called this house in many months -- she always calls him at work or on his cell-- so the calls here are clearly for me. am i evil that i am getting pleasure out of realizing that she's finally not getting to me!? (and in knowing that my non reaction does seem to be bothering her?) i guess that's pretty immature... oh well!

interestingly enough ah has been VERY interested in telling me that his mom has been calling his cell and wants to know how i am. i've just responded and said "hmmm".

mil knows exactly how i am which is why i think she is so eager to get me to "bite"...

barb dwyer

that's excellent.

sillysquirrel

Yet, another similarity. My mil very rarely calls our home. She always calls "R"AH on his cell phone. This began when my H quit drinking. It really used to p*ss me off, but it doesn't bother me anymore. Once in awhile she will pass messages on to me via RAH, but they very rarely get to me. He is lucky if he remembers his name and what day it is, let alone a message he was to give me. (This must be the result of his excessive drinking all of these years.) She knows this...yet she still chooses to talk to him over me. Of course, if there is a family gathering and "R"AH forgets to tell me about it and the kids and I are somewhere else, it is ALWAYS my fault...and I am being snooty and unsocial....NEVER "R"AH's fault for not telling me.

The similarities are striking!!!!

Buffalo66

Im so glad that they are praying for you, LOL....

Im sorry that was cynical, but...please.

You are doing just fine

laurie6781

Remember, when we change our ACTIONS towards others, they change their REACTIONS to us.

You have changed your actions. She is trying to get the old 'status quo' back.

Stick to your guns. You are not their to sooth her bruised ego.

Keep up the good work!!!!!!

Love and hugs,

GettingBy

I agree wholeheartedly with DBH. I remember having a similar awakening when I started to recover. I began to uncover so many issues from not only my relationship with my AH, but my FOO as well. I remember being sooo excited at the "secrets" I had discovered in al-anon! I was so happy and wanted to share my enlightenment with my mom and sisters... And was subsequently so disappointed when they had zero interest in what I had to say. They were more comfortable in the life they knew, and didn't see anything "wrong". And I guess that's when it hit me... Maybe their way isn't wrong, maybe its just their way?!? And that's okay, for them... Not me.

I want different for me and so I accept them as they are and lovingly detach myself when their actions, choices, words get to point that threaten my serenity.

I'm no longer caught up in the drama that surrounds them, and am turned off by their need to gossip, control and manipulate each other!! I guess where I'm going with my thoughts is... If I stare too long at them and their stuff, I lose focus on me.

stella27

I have really detached from my ex-ILs as well. I still see xMIL but I don't engage her about much because I do not accept the things she tries to tell me and that leaves us very little to discuss.

And I love it.

wanttobehealthy

The similarities really get closer and closer to one another. The "oh didn't "R"AH tell you x, y, z and when I say "ahhhh nope" the assumption is that of course he did and I am being passive aggressive and pretending not to know. In reality I simply don't get info bc he either chooses not to tell me or can't remember to tell me. Like you, it's always my fault.

I have to say though that thinking about this now I can look back on all the things, events, remarks etc... that I've let fester and upset me for years and kind of laugh-- not one bit of it was ever about me and I was really delusional to think that I had the kind of power they led me to think I did. If I had had that much power to ruin all of their happiness as I've been told I have, then I ought to have had the power to stop AH's drinking, right?!

wanttobehealthy

Maybe this is what I am feeling... I don't know that I am at the "accepting" my mil where she is at but I definitely am at the "not my stuff, not concerning myself with it anymore, not going to try and change it, not going to try and show how good a person I am..." None of that. I'm just going to be me and if being in contact with mil and her family is a threat to my peace (which I know it is) then I've given myself permission (and let mil know this)to not be a part of their lives. It's liberating. I guess I needed to let out the years of frustration in order to see that it IS okay to focus on me.

Agreed... I've focussed for years on what they thought about me, worried about why they gossiped about me when I did nothing to them, obsessed about how to help them see how much "healthier" everyone could be (insane of me I know now!)... All the time I've focussed on them and cared about what they've thought, the person who has suffered is ME. I haven't focussed on me and I'm going to do that now. They can think I am the second coming of the devil and I'm fine with that. I actually believe I am starting to feel I am okay with myself in my own skin and that feels pretty powerful.

sillysquirrel

Another funny (annoying) thing about my mil. She knows how busy I am. And yet, the only time she is willing to watch the kids for me so I can work is on the weekends, when my "R"AH is not working and should be able to take on that responsibility. So, in effect, she is once again enabling him to shirk his responsibilities by caring for the children only when he is around to watch them. Now, if only she could help me out one day a week, and then "R"AH could entertain them one day on the weekend, maybe I could actually get caught up!!

wanttobehealthy

I have two young daughters (3 and 5 yrs old) but given all that I don't like about how I've been treated by my mil, I've already thought to myself how differently I want to approach things when I am the mil someday.

I had these same thoughts when I was a kid, being abused by my mother, and thought about how I wanted to be a really different kind of mom. I've been able to do that (not that I am mother of the year but I work hard and intentionally every single day) and I know that I'll be able to do the same someday as a mil. The one good thing about being surrounded by unhealthiness is that I've learned a lot about what I DON'T want to be and don't want to pass on to my kids.