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Keep trying or should I move on?

Old 04-06-2011, 06:38 PM
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Keep trying or should I move on?

So I filed from divorce from my ah about 2 months ago. I finally filed once he got his 3rd dui. The dui was brought on because I told him I wanted a divorce. The last 2 years have been really tough for me and I have a hard time looking back on these years. He mainly did what he wanted during this time (which included him staying out late a lot and not much help around the house). We have been together for 15 years. I finally decided to file because he was a nasty drunk that told me did not have any issues and did not need any help. I could just not imagine living the rest of my life like this.

Well after I filed, he decided to wake up and now admits that he has a problem and will get help. We are not living together. He wanted to try to work things out and I agreed that we could work on things and see how they go. It has been about a month now and we just had a really huge fight. He is pissed because I will not give him an answer. By answer he means that I want to stay married or not. I have not dropped the divorce and do not intend to until I see that things will work out or not. I have made it clear that he cannot move back home until he stops drinking and gets a job. He is really mad because he says he cannot stop drinking at the house he is living at now (one of his friends) and that he needs to be in a good environment and if I let him come he will be able to quit. He claims that he wants to quit now but is having a hard time with his living situation. He is also sick of the uncertainty because I won't drop the divorce. Well no I am not going to drop the divorce unless I see changes in him. Who is to say that if I drop the divorce, let him come home that we won't be the same crappy husband he was the past 2 years?

Am I being unreasonable? I just feel like he should show me that he has changed before I let him come home. I don't want to drop the divorce just because he says he will change. It cost me $1200 for a retainer and to file. I don't want to drop and then have to refile if things go south. Anyone have advice or went through a similar situation? Is he trying to manipulate me?
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:50 PM
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Yes, he is trying to manipulate you. If he truly wants to stop drinking and work on recovery, he can do it regardless of where he lives. If he says he can't do it without living with you, then he isn't serious about it. That's the bottom line.

Good for you for sticking to your guns. Don't give in to his demands. If he gets mad, he can get glad in the same pants. It's all an attempt at manipulation anyway.
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:00 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Yes, he is trying to manipulate you. If he truly wants to stop drinking and work on recovery, he can do it regardless of where he lives. If he says he can't do it without living with you, then he isn't serious about it. That's the bottom line.

Good for you for sticking to your guns. Don't give in to his demands. If he gets mad, he can get glad in the same pants. It's all an attempt at manipulation anyway.
Thank you for the response. I know he is really fed up with his living situation and wants out. What is funny is he wants to be back home so badly, yet when he lived here he was barely here. If I had not filed, I guarantee he would not be here right now.

I know we wants a direct answer- I am just not at the point where I can say yes I want this or not. The thing is I want to stay married only if he is sober. I have no desire to go back to the way things were.
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:04 PM
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You have every right to tell him that you are not ready to give him an answer at this point. He has no right to demand one. If you have the slightest hesitation, then don't do it. You are better off living alone than allowing him to come back and going through the same crap again.
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:09 PM
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Hello Mum, No you are not being unreasonable. It is your choice to live how you want to live, and that right now is free of an ah. He should be grateful that you are even willing to try and work things out.

It is his choice to live in that home with alcohol, he knows there are other options. If he truly wants to be with you, he will do whatever it takes to get you back.

He is making you feel guilty, and that is not acceptable. You are a strong woman and it's impressive how you have taken a stand and stood by it. Don't back down now, your demands are reasonable. If you back down now, he will keep pushing for more. Soon he will say he only wants to drink on Saturdays. Then he will change it again to only drinking beer. Then it will be; if you really loved him you would see that he can't stop drinking because he has a disease.

You do what you have to for you. You and your needs are important and you will not tolerate anything less.

Good luck to you,

Stacy
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by stacylove View Post
Hello Mum, No you are not being unreasonable. It is your choice to live how you want to live, and that right now is free of an ah. He should be grateful that you are even willing to try and work things out.

It is his choice to live in that home with alcohol, he knows there are other options. If he truly wants to be with you, he will do whatever it takes to get you back.

He is making you feel guilty, and that is not acceptable. You are a strong woman and it's impressive how you have taken a stand and stood by it. Don't back down now, your demands are reasonable. If you back down now, he will keep pushing for more. Soon he will say he only wants to drink on Saturdays. Then he will change it again to only drinking beer. Then it will be; if you really loved him you would see that he can't stop drinking because he has a disease.

You do what you have to for you. You and your needs are important and you will not tolerate anything less.

Good luck to you,

Stacy
Thank you- hearing these words really helped. I know that you are right. He will keep pushing for more and more until he has his "old" life back.
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:43 PM
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We went to dinner tonight before the argument and he talked about going to live at his grandmother for a while. He thought it would be a good idea so he would be in a good environment that was free of alcohol and he could help his grandma out. Somewhere along the way he got mad that I won't drop the divorce and let him move back in.

He called me after I posted this and acted like nothing was wrong. I swear he is so up and down. Does anyone think he is just trying to push to see what he can get away with? I mean if you really want to work things out with you wife why would you be pushing her to make a decision that she is not ready to make?
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:54 PM
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Exactly, why is the decision so urgent? He's obviously scared of losing everything. Maybe he's afraid you will find someone else in the mean time. This is an addict's mind we are talking about. Maybe you need to reassure him that this is not the case and that the more patient and understanding his is of your needs, the better chance he has. I mean chill out Romeo!!!
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by stacylove View Post
Exactly, why is the decision so urgent? He's obviously scared of losing everything. Maybe he's afraid you will find someone else in the mean time. This is an addict's mind we are talking about. Maybe you need to reassure him that this is not the case and that the more patient and understanding his is of your needs, the better chance he has. I mean chill out Romeo!!!
I have told him that I will not be dating anyone else. He thinks that I am just "playing with him" (his words not mine) and I am just being nice to him now and will end up following through with the divorce. We still need to sign the temp orders. I really want the temp orders signed, not so we can proceed with the divorce, but so we can have things spelled out while we are separated. For me the most important thing about having the temp orders is that it establishes custody of the kids (he is only getting supervised visitation right now) and gives me temp ownership of the house. Without them he could legally take off with the kids or just come in go out of the house as he pleases. I even talked about changing them to Separation papers vs divorce papers and my lawyer told me there was really no reason to change as the temp order would be the same. I have explained this all to him (not so much about the kids) on how these papers will protect us both and he still does not get it. There are some things that help him - such as I will continue to pay the house payment (the house is in both of our names and we do have a good amount of equity), day care, and keep up insurance on him (which I pay for). The order even says that he won't have to pay child support for the next several months! I don't think this is unreasonable of me to want this order establish.

So, to answer your question I am not sure why he is pushing so hard for an answer right now.
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:27 PM
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If he can't stand the uncertainty then HE can consent to the divorce. Finish things up right quick.

Sheesh.

If he can't get sober where he is, then that would seem to be HIS problem, not yours.
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:27 PM
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Nothing that you've asked for has been unreasonable, and he should understand this. He should be counting his blessings, and not ruin his chances. You will just have to stand your ground and say this is how it is, period! Take it or leave it.
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Old 04-07-2011, 06:43 AM
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Hi Mum!

I am in a very similiar situation with my AH. I have done all the research/leg work on how best to separate and protect each of us legally. I'm not out for "blood" so to speak - I don't want money from him, I don't want to take the kids away... I just want our marriage to go away.

My AH's response? Very similiar to yours. Doesn't want to talk about it. Doesn't want to hire an attorney. He tried to placate me by saying things like, "I'll give you whatever you want. Just write up the papers and I'll agree to whatever." So, he said that and I said, "Okay. I'll have the lawyers get the paperwork drafted." and then he FREAKED out! Why? Because I suspect he was hoping his "I'm a good guy and will give you everything" routine would get me to back down... that maybe I'd look at him and think, "Oh here's this great guy who's willing to give me the sun, moon, and the shirt off his back! I should stay married to him." But that's not what I did. I kept moving forward towards what I wanted and that made him mad. He's now snooping through all my stuff (email, cellphone, etc) - because he thinks there's funny business going on. I work as a municipal engineer so I have a lot of board meetings at night during the week... he told his mother that I'm not really going to board meetings - I have a boyfriend that I'm dating... that's why I want a divorce!!! Oh, I wish... because then I'd at least have some love and affection in my life!!! I don't engage in his attempts to manipulate me. It's not easy - but it's so necessary for my own sanity.

My advice - don't get sucked into the game. Focus on you. Focus on what you want for your life... and take the steps you to get there.
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:07 AM
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I can't add anything to the great advice you have here but one quote sticks out at me:

The dui was brought on because I told him I wanted a divorce.
Complete, total bullchit answer based on circular logic that only an alcoholic or addict could come up with. He got drunk because he is a drunk, and he got a DUI because he chose to drive drunk.

Please do not believe this crap.
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
We went to dinner tonight before the argument and he talked about going to live at his grandmother for a while. He thought it would be a good idea so he would be in a good environment that was free of alcohol and he could help his grandma out. Somewhere along the way he got mad that I won't drop the divorce and let him move back in.

He called me after I posted this and acted like nothing was wrong. I swear he is so up and down. Does anyone think he is just trying to push to see what he can get away with? I mean if you really want to work things out with you wife why would you be pushing her to make a decision that she is not ready to make?
I can relate to this. The ups and downs, yoyo, Jekyll/Hyde, etc. It baffles me. I don't know if my AH(hasn't drank for 1.5 years) is bipolar or if he is just so manipulative that he goes to extremes to try to get his way. He is not drinking, but I don't consider him to be in recovery because he is not doing anything to better himself other than not drinking. I am very sorry you are going through this. I know how extremely difficult it is.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
Am I being unreasonable? I just feel like he should show me that he has changed before I let him come home. I don't want to drop the divorce just because he says he will change. It cost me $1200 for a retainer and to file. I don't want to drop and then have to refile if things go south. Anyone have advice or went through a similar situation? Is he trying to manipulate me?

This is right on the money IMHO.

Yes, he is trying to manipulate you, himself, and his own life.

He should show you change, and he should be able to sustain the change over time, and there should be some major behavioral difference in him, and he should also exhibit behavior that makes clear that he is making the change for his own self, to be a better person, not because if he does this...you will do that...

Because, as soon as he does THIS, then you do THAT, he will go right back to it.
This is the peril of changinf for someone else.

Your choice needs to be because of YOU statements.

"I am divorcing you because I do not want to live with this difficulty."

"I am making the choice to be alone right now because it is healthy for me to do so."

Thats all.
His choices will be his.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:37 AM
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I whole-heartedly agree with all the previous posters's awesome advice. Your AH is facing the loss of his principal enabler (you) and so is frantically trying anything and everything without rhyme or reason to re-establish the status quo (also known as "the slot machine tactic").

Move forward as planned and keep the focus on YOURSELF. If the man really and truly wants to recover, nothing in the world will get in his way, not even you. Ask the former alcoholics who frequent this sub-forum if you need confirmation.

As you continue on with your divorce plan, expect to see different tactics from him, ranging from begging to raging, trying to romance you, perhaps making threats, to accusing you of infidelity. It's all pretty standard.
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:22 AM
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What dgillz said - you are going to need to relearn some things in order to protect yourself and your kids from the disease of alcoholism. One of which is to not believe the blamestorming. There is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING, that you do to make this man lift a bottle to his lips and drink it down. Those are his choices. You are choosing divorce as a way to a better, chaos free life. Own your choices. Feel confident that you know what is best for you. Because you do.

Stay strong!
~T
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
I finally filed once he got his 3rd dui. The dui was brought on because I told him I wanted a divorce.
This stood out to me, too.
Good for you for continuing through and filing.
It's not your fault he got the DUI, you didn't shove the alcohol down his throat.

Sounds like you are carrying around a lot of guilt, and wondering if you did enough to try and save the marriage.

Something that helped me was to write down a list of all the things I had done to try and fix things, to try and let him know that I wasn't happy, to try and let him know that things weren't working and something had to change...
I didn't even finish the list, I filled a whole page, looked at all I had written, and decided that I really did do enough, it was all listed out in black and white.
I also made an effort to write down his reactions to each attempt of mine, because they showed that he was not listening, he just did the bare minimum he could try keep me roped in. It wasn't because he loved me, it was because he didn't want to lose his enabler.

Try writing things out.
It really does help.
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:31 AM
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I agree with everyone's previous posts.

He is trying to manipulate his way back to the way he likes things. All talk, and he is doing nothing to be healthier at all.

I moved in with my rabf; he said that if we were together, he wouldn't drink, and being completely ignorant about this disease at that time, I believed it.

Well, he kept drinking and sneaking and lying, and then said he was driven to drink by my mistrust of him!!!!! Typical alcoholic behavior.

The only way we win is when we take care of ourselves. Stick to your guns, and do not let him manipulate you. That's why they call it the Merry-Go-Round. Getting him to leave, I am sure was not easy...you don't want to go through that or put your children through that again. Keep moving forward, and if he is serious about recovery, nothing will stand in his way, with you or without you.
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:39 AM
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If I slept with as many guys as my husband says I do.
I wouldnt have time to work, eat, sleep.
Just wish he would accuse me of ones that actually had teeth...

Low Self Drunken Esteem (END OF STORY)
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