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Keep trying or should I move on?

Old 04-07-2011, 01:22 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Just wish he would accuse me of ones that actually had teeth...
I'm sorry, now I can't stop laughing.
:rotfxko
Thank you for that.
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Old 04-07-2011, 06:46 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
This stood out to me, too.
Good for you for continuing through and filing.
It's not your fault he got the DUI, you didn't shove the alcohol down his throat.

Sounds like you are carrying around a lot of guilt, and wondering if you did enough to try and save the marriage.

Something that helped me was to write down a list of all the things I had done to try and fix things, to try and let him know that I wasn't happy, to try and let him know that things weren't working and something had to change...
I didn't even finish the list, I filled a whole page, looked at all I had written, and decided that I really did do enough, it was all listed out in black and white.
I also made an effort to write down his reactions to each attempt of mine, because they showed that he was not listening, he just did the bare minimum he could try keep me roped in. It wasn't because he loved me, it was because he didn't want to lose his enabler.

Try writing things out.
It really does help.
I will have to try this. I do feel like he is trying to do the bare minimum. At times I do feel guilty in a way and then I think about things that have happened and I end up mad. I feel up and down at times myself.
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Old 04-07-2011, 06:55 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thanks for everyone that replied. I did not call him today and he finally called this evening to let me know he would not be over to see the kids or I as he was going to help his grandma with something. He acted like nothing happened yesterday. Even asked if I was going to a cook out at his friends house with him this weekend.


He asked if he could spend the night on Saturday night. I have made it clear that I don't want that to happen. Not only would it be confusing to us, it would be confusing to our kids. I just don't see why he can let things be for a while. It is totally ridiculous! I don't think I have ever met anyone in my life that has to push so hard to have their way constantly. It is so exhausting. If someone made something clear to me, I don't think I would try to push the issue to have my way, but that is what he does best.
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:11 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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If you consistently refuse to back down, he'll eventually get the message and stop trying so hard. It's when we are inconsistent that we send mixed messages, so they think they can eventually wear us down. Don't allow him to do that enough times, and he'll know he's wasting his time.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:10 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mum22cuties View Post
He asked if he could spend the night on Saturday night.

I don't think I have ever met anyone in my life that has to push so hard to have their way constantly. It is so exhausting. If someone made something clear to me, I don't think I would try to push the issue to have my way, but that is what he does best.
Mum, that's because he's an active alcoholic. He's not being rational because he's not capable of being rational right now. I've been there. Beneath his addiction he is another person, but until he stops drinking that person will never be able to be present for long no matter how hard he tries or how much he might love you. And it will take a while of sobriety before that person beneath will consistently be there to rebuild the relationship you share. AA has its rule of thumb that newly sober people should avoid new romantic relationships for the first year of sobriety. You might want to consider that milestone in how you handle the legal situation with your marriage.

The trouble with this is that it sounds like he hasn't said that he wants to quit drinking. Unfortunately, it often takes loss of marriage, homes, jobs, freedom (ie jail) to force some of us to commit ourselves to the extent it takes to get and stay sober. Maybe it will be easier for your husband, but I certainly wouldn't count on it.

I don't know how you navigate the way forward without crossing the boundary into codependant behavior by dictating the terms of his sobriety neccessary for you to resume your relationship as it once was. I'll leave those comments to folks who have been there.

Hang in there. To thine own self be true...
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