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Seeing beyond the alcoholism

Old 04-08-2011, 04:47 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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It was a month and a half in, of him living here, sober, when I said to myself, "Geez. I dont think I like him very much at all."

Funny thing is, as he is a jerk, he sensed my leanings, and beat me to the punch, started saying he didnt think I was who he thought I was...meow meow..
Just had to comment on this and wonder how common this is... Lately I have been hearing a lot about how now that he's sober (which he isn't for more than a few days at a time) he's seeing me for what I really am and it's bc of that that he drank to excess in the first place. Quack quack quack all the way to the liqour store
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Old 04-08-2011, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by concernednurse View Post
This statement just hit me over the head, thank you!!!! In my own journey and self reflection I am constantly asking myself why do I attract people that tend to be needy, addicted, dependent, whatever you want to call it. The answer is that I am not attracting them... they are attracting me! I am drawn to people like that, its me!!! The people I'm attracted to are MY choice!!
Ya know...this got me thinking a lot since reading cyranoak's response.

Here's what I know - I spent close to 10 years single after my first divorce. I had therapy, worked on a lot of issues, finished my education, developed a great, successful life for myself, and got my kids to a more independent stage in life. I thought at this point I was good relationship material. I dated and learned to be more ascertaining of the men I was attracted to and why I was attracted to them. I dated a variety of men, from all occupations and backgrounds. Kind of a weeding out process, if that makes any sense.

And the man I chose was amazing...he was smart, well-read, and successful in his own right, and he wanted a family like I did. He was traditional and conservative (like me), from a good family from the mid-west, well-mannered and kind, generous, etc. There weren't any glaring red flags until after I moved in with him when we got engaged, and even then it was slow to creep in. I thought I had chosen well this time. And instead I got an alcoholic.

I don't know if I necessarily completely agree that WE are subconsciously choosing a certain type - although I know the psych/therapy/self-help world would have us believe that. I think I got exactly what my A thought I wanted - they are good at being mirrors. I remember once thinking he was so much like me. That is because he was mirroring exactly what I was saying I wanted in a man. He was even punctual, until we married and then all of the sudden, he was late all the time. He held onto his facade for almost 2 years...that's pretty good. Once we were married - it all changed. All of it. To the point that I didn't even recognize that guy anymore.

So maybe don't be so quick to blame yourself for bad choices...it may have been a mix of not being choosy enough AND being conned by an addict.
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Old 04-08-2011, 04:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
Funny thing is, as he is a jerk, he sensed my leanings, and beat me to the punch, started saying he didnt think I was who he thought I was...meow meow..

Please don't compare his quackings to meows.. when my cats meow its with meaning and sincerity....
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Old 04-08-2011, 04:54 PM
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Yeah, I am realizing this too and I feel guilty a little bit because he isn't drinking, which is all that he thought he had to do, but since we are separated and I have had a little time away, I realize he is a text-book King Baby and I like being alone...
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Old 04-08-2011, 05:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Verbena View Post
Geeze, this is really scary stuff to me. My AH wasn't a jerk before he started drinking heavily. But he's sure learned how to be a jerk.
I've watched his overall personality change over the last couple of years. So if he sobers up (that's a big IF), who is he going to be?
Verbena, it's hard to say. At age 30, my AH was actually a pretty sweet person who was a hard worker. Ten years later, he is now lazy, whiny and very narcissistic. He really wasn't always like this. I can't figure out if it's just getting older and his mental illness getting worse, life stressing him out, or brain damage from alcohol, but even sober he not a fun guy. It's a huge disappointment.
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Old 04-11-2011, 12:47 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I think the Cyranoaks of this world are the exceptions.

Too many relationships don't survive the damage and harm of the 'family disease'. Even if the codie can heal their wounds, the alcoholic is damaged from years of their illness.

I think it probably takes a long time of 'true' recovery for the alcoholic and co-dependent to revert to something normal.

Too many people, me included, are looking for peaches and cream after a few weeks and months...

Just i.m.h.o.
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