SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (
-   -   Sentencing is today (

rowanthe 04-06-2011 10:34 AM

Sentencing is today
Well, today is the day. He's supposed to turn himself in at 1:30. I haven't heard from my daughter in 24 hrs, I hope she is ok.

Her ex husband wants me to go with him. I want to, I want to see myself what happens, if they show up, how many years he gets, and if my daughter stands up and pleads for him.

But, then again maybe I don't want to see it.

I know I don't want to go with her ex. I love her, I think that is sending a very strong message that I am against her. They have such a terrible relationship, and even though he is being fantastic with the kids, he didn't treat her right when they were married, he cheated on her constantly, and caused alot of her self esteem issues and that is when her drinking started. It was a terrible divorce.

But I could go by myself and sit by myself. She absolutely does not want me there.

But then, she doesn't care about my feeling, so that shouldn't bother me. She keeps saying she has to do things her way, and cannot live for anyone else... So, I guess that goes for me too.

Should I go? (jumbled I know)

GettingBy 04-06-2011 10:39 AM

From what I read, you are so worried about what everybody else is thinking, feeling, wanting, etc.

When I try to figure out other people, I get twisted up and confused.

What do you want? That's it. Keep it simple.

If you go, why? What do you want from being there? To see her? To make sure he goes to jail? If you go, you don't have to sit with the ex.

If you don't go, why?

Look at your two choices - make a list of pros/cons... and that will help you decide what's best for you.

MyBetterWorld 04-06-2011 10:49 AM

I would probably go, but not with him. Otherwise it would just be bugging me until I knew what happend.
Good luck hon!

Buffalo66 04-06-2011 11:25 AM

Go, by yourself, sit by yourself.

You deserve to see him get sentencing for his crimes, and...

You deserve to know first hand if they show up, how she acts.

This will save you some grief of not knowing later.

Keep your energy safe and clear.

I hope he goes, and I hope they put him away

tjp613 04-06-2011 11:29 AM

Yep, I'd go too. If for no other reason than to make sure he showed up.

Please let us know how it went.


StarCat 04-06-2011 11:41 AM

If you're going, make sure you're going for you.
If you're not going, make sure you're not going for you.
Either way, I hope everything works out for the best.

Please let us know how it went.
Love and prayers heading your direction!

rowanthe 04-06-2011 03:50 PM

Well, I didn't go. I did just get a call from her ex telling me what happened.

They did show up. He told the judge that he had changed and found God, that he loved my daughter and that they were going to get married. He asked for leniency, etc. etc. She stood up and said the same thing. Also that her children loved him and he would make a good father... I can't tell you how that one statement tells me how far gone she really is.

The District attorney aniliated her. He told the judge that she was delusional, niave, and completely out of touch with reality. That she had lost all crediablity. She put her house up as colleratal for that sociopath. The judge then read all his priors. He has 7 assualts, 2 burgularies since 1999. He has been in prison for 7 of the last 10 years. And then this attempted murder charge. He told him that he didn't believe him. He told my daughter that she needed to get help that she was being conned by a prediator. He gave him 15 years, no parole. He also put a no contact order in place that he couldn't see or talk to my daughter. I was told by her ex that it was for the full 15 years. But she called me to yell at me and told me it was only while he was still in county jail waiting to be moved to prison.

I am very happy about all of this.. There were people there from out small town, The gossip is terrible already, I can't imagine what it will be like now. I cannot say this to anyone else but her, but I am embarrassed. I am embarrased that she could be so out of touch with reality. I own my own business, I am very much known by everyone. I serve on boards and committies... It is hard to hold my head up and not feel so ashamed that she is doing the things she is. I am supposed to go to church tonight and help with Sunday school, I don't want to go, I don't want to face anyone. I don't want anyone to even say anything nice to me,, it will make me cry. She is 33 years old. I just cannot believe how much she has changed. She's doesn't even resemble the daughter that I loved.

She called me after court screaming at me. Saying that we should all be happy now, we got what we wanted. She really verbally abuses me so badly anymore. I said Hello, and I said Goodbye. Nothing inbetween. I am so tired.

I think she is going to be very surprised when she goes to court for her DUI in 3 weeks. I don't think the County attorney is going to offer her a diversion anymore. He is fed up with her.

I thought about calling him. I wanted to ask him if he would give her a diverson, but to make her going to intreatment a stipulation. I really think she needs extensive in care help.

I know what will happen now. She will start drinking. She will stay drunk, not go to work, become even more belegerent and mean. What do you think? Can I do call him? Should I do that. Or just "Let go, and let God"

Shellcrusher 04-06-2011 03:59 PM

Originally Posted by rowanthe (Post 2925697)
Or just "Let go, and let God"

I've been mia for a while so I don't know the full skinny here. After reading your posts, I'd say go with your last statement.
I also know that people who know me, don't see me as my AW. They see me. They also see my AW but there isn't any mixups of who's who.

I hope that helps and I've been struggling with taking responsibility for what people might think and that's counterproductive to my recovery. Help with Sunday School. Walk tall. Work on you. You know the drill.

GettingBy 04-06-2011 04:15 PM


Im glad to hear that the DA did his job. Let him keep doing it. No need to call him and interfere on your daughters dui. Her mistake, her problem, her consequences.

Hold your head high... no need for shame and embarrassment. Your true friends will not judge you but will be there to support you with compassion.

Enjoy church tonight!

LexieCat 04-06-2011 05:16 PM

I'm glad that they showed up, and that he went away. It's possible the rosy glow will fade for her when he's further away than the county jail.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. I understand feeling that way, but I hope you will go about your business (including church tonight) with your head held high.

I wouldn't intervene with the DA re her DUI. They know who/what she is.

Big hugs, I'm SOOOO happy he is locked up for the next 18 years or so.

Buffalo66 04-06-2011 05:52 PM

good to hear he is going away. for society, and for your daughter to heal without further psychotic interference. IF SHE CHOOSES TO.

You must feel a measure of comfort knowing that she is not in danger from him...

But, I know it is also difficult knowing she is still an alcoholic, still harmng herself.

Hugs, Rowanthe.

tjp613 04-06-2011 08:19 PM

Rowanthe - thank you for the update. I know you've had SUCH a rough time, but at least now you can breathe a little bit.

I understand your feelings of embarrassment and I just want to remind you that nothing that anyone else thinks or says or believes about the matter is meaningful to your life. This is between you, your daughter and God. I pray that you are surprised by the love and support of your friends and neighbors and can find the strength to disregard the ignorance of people who have NO idea what it is like to be in your shoes. It's obvious that your daughter has been through hell and back and has some serious problems as a result. I feel nothing but compassion for her and pray that she will heal. I feel sure your community has the same understanding.

Try not to isolate yourself right now -- accept the gift of love and support that is offered to you wherever you find it.

Unplug the phone and get some rest.

All is well and God is good... all the time. ((((Hugs)))

rowanthe 04-06-2011 09:41 PM

I am feeling better that he is in jail and she is safe. I really don't know what I would do without you guys already. You are all voices of sanity for me!

I kept my precious little granddaughters tonight after sunday school. They are snuggled up in my bed, and I am going to go snuggle with them and try to get a good nights sleep.

They really are so precious. I just love them so much, and they were so happy tonight, just giggleing and laughing, we had alot of fun playing.

Tomorrow is another day. One day at a time, hopefully it's a good one.

japabp2000 04-07-2011 01:17 AM

Hello Rowanthe, I just read through your posts and I want to say firstly that I am so very very sorry that your daughter is so sick and out of control. ***Big Hugs***
Second, I want to say praise God that her abusive (and psychotic) ex is now behind bars!! That's wonderful. I am praying for you, her, and your granddaughters and family. God bless you. Please hold your head high.

Tuffgirl 04-07-2011 01:26 AM

Yeah for justice this time! What good news...

I want to add that regardless of what WE think, others don't really think much about us. And amazingly, even in your small town - you are not alone - you just don't know it yet.

These kinds of stories are more common than you think right now, and that is not to minimize your feelings and horror at this...because it is horrifying to watch your daughter self destruct in front of her loved ones, town, and her God.

Hope you find some time to take care of yourself amidst all of this chaos.

Prayers ~

TakingCharge999 04-07-2011 04:58 AM


nodaybut2day 04-07-2011 09:29 AM

rowanthe...sending you another big virtual hug from across the internet. Reading your updated made me realize that HP is looking out for you!

You're handling this so well AND taking care of your grand-daughters. If anything, THAT is a reason to hold your head high. Your daughter may be mucking up her life, but you are focusing on providing a safe and healthy place for those girls and for that you should be praised. Also, try to remind yourself that other people's opinions of you aren't under your control OR any of your business :) If someone were to bring something up with you, you can easily tell them "I don't want to discuss this right now. Thank you for understanding".

rowanthe 04-07-2011 12:16 PM

You're all right when you say that I need to quite worrying about what others think. I have always been terrible about that. I own this darn business and I have always worried to much about what everyone thinks. I always felt that a good reputation was good for Guess that is thrown out the window to some extent right now......... and I have decided that I am not going to let it bother me. I know they are not talking about me, it's my daughter, but it still feels bad, and I hate it for her.

She was supposed to take continuing education hours today to get her insurance license renewed. Her employee called me at work and said she had been trying to reach her all morning because there was no electricity at her office. She didn't know what to do, she had been sitting in the dark for 2 hrs. I immediately went to my daughters house to see if she was home. Sure enough her car is hidden in an old garage out back. She didn't want anyone to know she was home. She did answer, lied, told me she was at the class, I called her on it, told her I knew her car was still there. She got angry, and said she just needed a day to pull herself together after yesterday. I'm sure she drank last night and got plastered, and couldn't get out of bed. I just told her she had no electricity and to call her employee. I then went back to work and I haven't done anymore about it.

A few weeks ago I would have been crazy. I would have called the city to see if she paid her electric bill, and if that is why it is off. I know that is the reason. She used all her commission check to pay his $2500 bail. She won't have much left this month, and she was way behind as it is. I will not pay the bill. I will not even ask about it. I plan on not even contacting her. I am so over it all. I am really burned out. The only reason I drove to her house is because I was worried she might have tryed to commit suicide. She's tried it twice before and failed. I can't help but think she might try it again.

What a freaking nightmare.

Shellcrusher 04-07-2011 02:14 PM

Originally Posted by rowanthe (Post 2926859)
...I always felt that a good reputation was good for Guess that is thrown out the window to some extent right now......... and I have decided that I am not going to let it bother me.

Number 1 rule of business/sales.

People do business with people they like.

If you suggest that your good reputation was thrown out the window, I can deduce that you had/have a good reputation which really means, people liked you. Therefore, I suspect you'll do better than you're making yourself believe.

Take it easy on you.

GettingBy 04-07-2011 02:43 PM

Geez, Rowanthe - your daughter has employees?!?! I sure hope the "light goes on" (pun intended!!) for the employee and she heads for the hills. If your daughter can't pay the electric bill, how the heck is she paying salaries?

As for your business and reputation - I've learned after having my own business - my reputation is based on ME, and the way I interact with people - not my family/friends/etc. I live in a smaller city, and almost everyone knows AH, who my parents are, etc... but all of my customers work with me... because of ME!

The best thing you can do for you... is to pray for your daughter. Hand her over to your HP, and pray for your HP to remove your hatred toward her. Hatred and resentments only hurt you.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:02 PM.