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When will I stop being surprised with the lack of compassion?

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When will I stop being surprised with the lack of compassion?

Old 04-06-2011, 08:27 AM
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When will I stop being surprised with the lack of compassion?

Why is it that AH can still amaze me with his lack of compassion and self centered thoughts? I have known this man forever and while he has always been self centered he used to be compassionate. That lack of compassion left slowly over many years, and I am not sure when it was gone from our relationship. I assume it is his addiction that makes him that way. I'm sure I had something to do with it to with my codie behavior. BUT it really stings.

For the first time in my life I am trying to understand me and why I act the way I do. I so want to find peace and get out of this life time fog of being a codie sucked into the illness of alcoholism. I have been in therapy, started Alanon, and read Codepence No More. In the past 5 weeks or so I have entered this period of being quiet (which is not like me at all) while I am trying to figure out who I am, and who I need to be. I reached a point in our relationship where I do not know what is genuine vs. what is part of his "dance".... Which in turn has created distance between us both emotional and physical. I feel it is the natural consequence of his addiction and I think for the first time I am actually letting it be instead of reaching out to him in hopes of making it all better. I am trying to let go of the fear that comes with letting it be. About a month ago I sat him down and told him where I was at, that I needed to heal myself, that I did not know if his "nice actions" were genuine or part of this merry go round that I need to stop. I felt like it was a good discussion and he understood where I was coming from.

I thought things were going okay (and I say okay because I longed for a hug, or a kiss or some communication from him that had feeling behind it). One night right before we went to sleep he said to me that he felt alone. So many thoughts raced through my head ( the codie in me so wanted to rescue him from feeling this way, but I also thought what he was saying may have nothing to do with actual feelings but really that he missed sex... then there was the hopeful side that maybe he was actually trying to reach out to me and he was kind of getting it). I simply responded with "me too". It was such a genuine response from me, it was how I have felt (alone) for so long. I waited hoping he would say more, but all he did was roll over and go to sleep.

Over the past few days he brought this up and was so angry with me for not saying or doing more! I simply pointed out he did not either and that too made me sad. A few days later he wanted to moved our savings over to another bank. I bravely asked him to please show me that once the money was moved that I had access to it. This set him off. How dare I think that he would do something not okay with the money. I pointed out that things are so great right now and I needed to protect myself and to make sure. I proceed to get raked over the coals about how well I was distancing myself, how I only wanted him for his paycheck, how when I told him "me too" after he told me he was lonely was to really say "f off" and that I don't care about him, etc. There was zero compassion for me, no thoughts what so ever about how I was feeling at all. I was simply a b*tchy wife who only wanted him for money. Has his brain really become that toxic???! I told him my thoughts with as little words as I could which sent him walking away. I left shortly thereafter for my alanon meeting (thank god). We went to lunch after (thought the whole family was going or else I would have declined) and he sat there like the argument never happened. While he didn't say much, what he did say was rather calm and rational. It is just crazy to me.

I have given him YEARS to "get better" and find recovery and now that I am realizing how sick I am too and trying to get better I get nothing from him. No compassion, no patience, no emotional support.... how selfish! and yet I don't think he has the ability to even realize it.

I so want us to be one of those happily ever after stories. It is so hard when you really love someone so much to think it may never happen.

The future seems so scary.... I hate where I am at emotionally right now!
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:42 AM
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From what you wrote in your post, his behaviour seems more like that of a child throwing a tantrum because things are not the way he wants them to be. You have slowly changed your modus operandi and are no longer playing the role he scripted for you: the role of doting enabler. You are shifting the focus from HIM to YOU for the first time in years. He is clearly sensing this change and is reacting to it, trying to make you feel guilty for it.

Yes, there's lack of compassion in his self-centeredness. It's probably been there for a long time but you were so focused on him that you didn't notice it until now.

I'm sorry this period feels so unstable for you emotionally; please try to remind yourself that it will pass and that you are currently in transition, towards...something different. Change usually involves some amount of discomfort, but no one ever died from being uncomfortable.

Trust in HP. You're in good hands!
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:43 AM
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During these times I kept needing to ask myself: What am I getting out of this relationship? My answer was always NOTHING. It hurts to feel you give give and give but recieve nothing.

I just re-read you did say you get nothing out of him. Right there, now what's the plan?
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:50 AM
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((((Alone2)))),

It's so frustrating wanting something that we know we can't get. Compassion isn't something my husband has given me for quite some time... probably over a year now if I really thought about it.

I spoke to him yesterday about why I was sleeping in the guest bedroom, and why I wanted to have time alone with the kids without him around. I want these things because I'm hurt and stressed out and uneasy being around him right now. I need my space because it hurts like hell to sit and watch him be so loving and compassionate to the kids, and talk to other like everything is fine... and to know that he will not treat me with the same kindness. NOpe, what I get from him is cold, quiet distance. The silent treatment so that it's like I don't even exist. I told him that it hurts me, and so I need to protect myself.

His response? Invalidate my feelings. He told me that I was being ridiculous and that I should just suck it up for the kids. The four of us need to be together so they see we are a family.

Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. I can't put on an act of being happy in front of the kids while he's over there being all loving, happy to them, and turning and glaring at me. I explained that again, and then realized - he's not going to get it. He wants what he wants, and he has zero compassion for me, and the pain I'm in. And maybe some of his distance is because he's hurting too, I don't know.

All I know is that my expectations (wanting compassion/love from him) are setting me up for hurt. When I need TLC - I don't reach out to him, I reach out to the people I know who can give me what I want/need. My true friends, and healthy family members (not too many of them, unfortunately!!!).

Stop going to the hardware store looking for bread... it's not there.
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:53 AM
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Lots of similarities to my husband. I have come to realize that he doesn't care about how I feel at all. He, too, says I only want him for his paycheck. Any affection or "love" he may show me is because he simply wants sex. He gauges the health of our marriage on how often we have sex. I could be the saddest person ever and as long as I pretend to be happy and have sex with him, he is okay with that. I am not, though.
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Old 04-06-2011, 11:55 AM
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I can totally relate! My husband seems to think that as long as we have sex, there's nothing wrong with our marriage. When he does something stupid or says something cruel, my not wanting to have sex is completely blamed on me ("You've always been this way and you'll never change"). When he's unhappy, it's my fault and if I don't jump through hoops to try to improve it, then he's cold and distant.

I'm really trying to sit with that now, to believe that things are as they are and that I should focus on meeting my needs.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by returntonormal View Post
I can totally relate! My husband seems to think that as long as we have sex, there's nothing wrong with our marriage. When he does something stupid or says something cruel, my not wanting to have sex is completely blamed on me ("You've always been this way and you'll never change"). When he's unhappy, it's my fault and if I don't jump through hoops to try to improve it, then he's cold and distant.

I'm really trying to sit with that now, to believe that things are as they are and that I should focus on meeting my needs.
Yes, my AH says if I don't have sex with him, I am using sex as a punishment and that is not fair to do in a marriage because I am the only person he can have sex with...WTF!!!

I am not punishing him. I just don't like him. If I don't feel an emotional connection with him I have a hard time being physically close. I am to the point now where the thought of it makes me ill. If you love someone...why would you say mean and hurtful things to them? I truly feel that he is trying to beat me down. He is always miserable and he wants me to be just as miserable. It has come to this in our marriage. Having sex with him is like giving a baby a pacifier. You give it to them to make them stop whining and crying.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:17 PM
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel View Post
I am to the point now where the thought of it makes me ill. If you love someone...why would you say mean and hurtful things to them?
On the other hand, if you love someone...why would the thought of sex with them make you ill?

It doesn't sound much like love to me, on either side. I say this as someone whose 20-year marriage went down a similar path. There are different kinds of love, IMO. I still love my XAH as a human being, as the father of my children. But, as a husband and life partner--NO WAY.

L
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:35 PM
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I still love my XAH as a human being, as the father of my children. But, as a husband and life partner--NO WAY.
Bingo. That's me. I am right there. I love him as the father of my children, but do not want him as my husband.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:41 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
On the other hand, if you love someone...why would the thought of sex with them make you ill?

It doesn't sound much like love to me, on either side. I say this as someone whose 20-year marriage went down a similar path. There are different kinds of love, IMO. I still love my XAH as a human being, as the father of my children. But, as a husband and life partner--NO WAY.

L
Very good point LaTeeDa. If my husband chose to be nice, responsible, mature, pleasant, helpful, etc. for....oh....let's say....7 days, yes....a full week, I just might be interested in sex with him. Now, I would prefer this to occur on a daily basis, but it just doesn't. The reality is....he does his thing, goes fishing, talks on cell phone nonstop, sits in recliner all evening watching what he wants to watch on tv, etc. There is no connection between he and I or him and the kids. I don't even know if he knows they are in the same house to be honest. But, when he decides he wants sex....he will just appear in the bathroom when I get out of the shower and expect it....and we may not have barely even talked to each other all evening. I just don't get it. (Or should I say HE just doesn't get it!) Literally!!

My point is that his loving caring side only comes out when he wants sex. You see, he is only "nice" because he wants something. And, apparently, he can't plan ahead a week and plan for sex next Wed by starting to be nice now. J/k...the 7 day thing is not a rule I have or anything...just using it as an example.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:43 PM
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And, the lack of sex in the marriage makes him very angry. His anger leads to harsh words which leads to me pulling away even more.
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Old 04-06-2011, 12:45 PM
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Sounds like a miserable way to live. For all involved. (especially the kids)

L
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:03 PM
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I'm with you there - one week with no outbursts or hurtful utterances, and sex sounds like a good idea. Otherwise, just get away from me!
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:13 PM
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What really gets me today is hearing - again - the same behaviors from other women who are complete strangers to me. Baffling, this disease of alcoholism. Baffling that it turns people into this. Baffling that it warps the mind so much to protect the addiction, even after they stop drinking. The brain is still in "protect the addiction" mode for my RAH and its been close to 5 months sober (so he says). But he is still looking to scapegoat and blame in order to accept full responsibility for his own actions and choices.

I know alcoholism is tied to ego - and much of this is kind of behavior is ego-based...but what I will always wonder is why choose the hard way? If you look back at each of these posts - and the hundreds and possibly thousands of these very same sentiments on this forum, and the stories in AL-Anon...these relationships could be so easily fixed and these men could get exactly what they wanted IF THEY CHANGE THEIR OWN APPROACH to it all. Take responsibility, make amends when you are wrong, pay attention to what others are saying, have compassion, put others' best interests first sometimes, find your own happiness, and on and on and on. All the things we do to take care of ourselves as grown-ups. Just do it. It's the easy road - the road to contentment. Imagine the energy spent on maintaining the lies, the anger, the blame, the facade. Then imagine putting that same amount of energy toward improving your family, relationships, career, health, etc. I don't understand the choice to go the hard way. Except that it protects the addiction and allows for future opportunities to go right back there.

Insidious. Baffling. Insanity. Hurtful. Sad.
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:55 PM
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This thread reminds me alot of the thread "Do Alcoholics really love us". I personally don't think they love us. They pretend so that they can continue to live the way they want. Its all a facade. Therefore, that's why they show no compassion. They are not emotionally available while in active addiction. This is just my opinion.
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Old 04-06-2011, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by duqld1717 View Post
This thread reminds me alot of the thread "Do Alcoholics really love us". I personally don't think they love us. They pretend so that they can continue to live the way they want. Its all a facade. Therefore, that's why they show no compassion. They are not emotionally available while in active addiction. This is just my opinion.
Are they emotionally available when not in active addiction? My RAH has not drank for 1.5 years. It seems to me his addiction to alcohol is the result of trying to self medicate himself or to numb himself to whatever is going on inside. Now that he has removed the alcohol...he is even more difficult, critical and angry than he was when he was drinking. I find him to be completely emotionally unavailable.
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Take responsibility, make amends when you are wrong, pay attention to what others are saying, have compassion, put others' best interests first sometimes, find your own happiness, and on and on and on. All the things we do to take care of ourselves as grown-ups. Just do it. It's the easy road - the road to contentment. Imagine the energy spent on maintaining the lies, the anger, the blame, the facade. Then imagine putting that same amount of energy toward improving your family, relationships, career, health, etc. I don't understand the choice to go the hard way.
This is all I ask. I want him to put his energy into being a mature, responsible adult rather than the self-centered ass that is always blaming EVERYONE else for every little thing that he considers to be wrong in his life. That's all. Simple.
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel View Post
This is all I ask. I want him to put his energy into being a mature, responsible adult rather than the self-centered ass that is always blaming EVERYONE else for every little thing that he considers to be wrong in his life. That's all. Simple.
And how long have you been asking that? And how many times has he answered with his actions that he isn't interested in doing things your way?

At some point it becomes less about them not doing what we want and more about us continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.......

L
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by sillysquirrel View Post
Are they emotionally available when not in active addiction? My RAH has not drank for 1.5 years. It seems to me his addiction to alcohol is the result of trying to self medicate himself or to numb himself to whatever is going on inside. Now that he has removed the alcohol...he is even more difficult, critical and angry than he was when he was drinking. I find him to be completely emotionally unavailable.
If he was self-medicating underlying issues, he should probably address those issues and find out the true root of his pain. That may be the reason why he is still emotionally unavailable. I was watching the show Intervention and it said something like 60% of addicts have underlying issues that they try to cover up with drugs or alcohol. One girl was a meth addict and when she got clean, they discovered in rehab that she had bi-polar disorder. She was using meth to medicate being bi-polar. Many others on the show drank or did drugs to cover up their childhood (such as being raped, molested, beaten, abused, etc). I'm no expert, but this is my opinion. Some are covering up other issues that make them emotionally unavailable even after they quit drinking.
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Old 04-06-2011, 02:10 PM
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the centreness is called the I.S.Ms....(I, Self and Me)...its always about them(the As) and also his arrogance....its all about him...always...that is why al anon is great for this...

the A's feels entilled freedom from the accountability..dunno who said this, but sure did open my eyes and mind....
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