life has trained me to think the sky is falling
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life has trained me to think the sky is falling
I am going to give you a series of thoughts/actions as they occured.
1. I posted a happy thread
2. One person replied
3. Felt the old (childhood) feelings that "nobody likes me" arise
4. Observed that and countered it with self soothing
5. Realized that I get more attention with sad/upset threads.
6. Realized that I've always gotten more attention with sad/upset me.
7. Realized that that reinforces drama in my life - because if crazy things are happening, I have stories to tell and people will listen and soothe me - which is all to counteract the belief that nobody likes me/cares about me!
I will wait in life to be invited to things, then not be invited to anything for awhile, then subconciously use that as reasoning that "no one care about me".
Of course, if I invite friends to do things, they come!
I am telling myself today, I do not need to create drama to be loved.
I don't even need to talk to anyone to be loved.
I just AM loved and loveable, regardless.
peace
1. I posted a happy thread
2. One person replied
3. Felt the old (childhood) feelings that "nobody likes me" arise
4. Observed that and countered it with self soothing
5. Realized that I get more attention with sad/upset threads.
6. Realized that I've always gotten more attention with sad/upset me.
7. Realized that that reinforces drama in my life - because if crazy things are happening, I have stories to tell and people will listen and soothe me - which is all to counteract the belief that nobody likes me/cares about me!
I will wait in life to be invited to things, then not be invited to anything for awhile, then subconciously use that as reasoning that "no one care about me".
Of course, if I invite friends to do things, they come!
I am telling myself today, I do not need to create drama to be loved.
I don't even need to talk to anyone to be loved.
I just AM loved and loveable, regardless.
peace
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
It's funny what tapes we run in our minds from childhood, and surely these tapes are the undercurrents of our Codie behavior.
Congratulations on hearing one of your tapes fir what it is, taking it out, and replacing it with something that is chosen, rather than conditioned!
We are loved and lovable even if we are hermits who never see anyone, or who don't bounce things off of others.
I get stuck thinking the opposite. I can get addicted to other peoples feedback. In real life, especially. Sometimes, I think that's my biggest, nastiest tape. The one that tells me I am not validated unless someone outside of me is doing the validating.
It is my big work: to know what I know, feel how I feel, and make choices for me... And not have to call for check ins w friends or here on SR. It helps, but, really, what I want to get to is just to feel good if I feel good, or forgive myself if I feel guilty, or give myself the reality checks that I seek from others.
SR helps a lot in the way that I learn that what I see/ feel is mine, is valid, and I can give myself that feedback.
Thanks for this post
Congratulations on hearing one of your tapes fir what it is, taking it out, and replacing it with something that is chosen, rather than conditioned!
We are loved and lovable even if we are hermits who never see anyone, or who don't bounce things off of others.
I get stuck thinking the opposite. I can get addicted to other peoples feedback. In real life, especially. Sometimes, I think that's my biggest, nastiest tape. The one that tells me I am not validated unless someone outside of me is doing the validating.
It is my big work: to know what I know, feel how I feel, and make choices for me... And not have to call for check ins w friends or here on SR. It helps, but, really, what I want to get to is just to feel good if I feel good, or forgive myself if I feel guilty, or give myself the reality checks that I seek from others.
SR helps a lot in the way that I learn that what I see/ feel is mine, is valid, and I can give myself that feedback.
Thanks for this post
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Thanks for both of these posts. I go through very similar thought processes. FP1, when you said that when you invite friends, they come, I just grinned! That part is really important for me. In my case, I am so passive, I forget to initiate my life. I've spent so much of life getting disapproval if I do, I tend to just follow directions, or reacting or poised to react, I forget to just take control and make my life what I want it to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Great observation and well done. I, too, get a little bummed when I don't get responses to my threads. But, like you, I've got enough recovery to know what's happening and not get wrapped up in it.
Occasionally I post in a thread just because nobody else has and some time has passed-- that's the codependent controller in me, but I try to keep it short and sweet.
I remember a few months ago a woman going completely ballistic in the forum because she didn't get the responses she wanted-- really ballistic. Fortunately, kinder people than I gently corrected her and she got herself back on the rails and still posts here today (good posts too, not that I'm the ultimate arbiter of this). That's one of the cool things about SR, and that's why its so cool you started this thread-- it's really something I think is of great value to the FF community.
However, about a month ago the same thing happened with a different woman who'd been posting here a fair bit of time and we haven't seen her since. When some folks with really good recovery tried to refocus her it didn't take, and she just lashed out in a way designed to hurt others. It was as spectacular of an Alanon relapse as I've seen in a forum. I see her as a cautionary tale as to what can happen to me when I forget about my recovery in Alanon and on SR, and start to focus on the alcoholic/addicts in my life.
Thanks again for the great thread.
Cyranoak
Occasionally I post in a thread just because nobody else has and some time has passed-- that's the codependent controller in me, but I try to keep it short and sweet.
I remember a few months ago a woman going completely ballistic in the forum because she didn't get the responses she wanted-- really ballistic. Fortunately, kinder people than I gently corrected her and she got herself back on the rails and still posts here today (good posts too, not that I'm the ultimate arbiter of this). That's one of the cool things about SR, and that's why its so cool you started this thread-- it's really something I think is of great value to the FF community.
However, about a month ago the same thing happened with a different woman who'd been posting here a fair bit of time and we haven't seen her since. When some folks with really good recovery tried to refocus her it didn't take, and she just lashed out in a way designed to hurt others. It was as spectacular of an Alanon relapse as I've seen in a forum. I see her as a cautionary tale as to what can happen to me when I forget about my recovery in Alanon and on SR, and start to focus on the alcoholic/addicts in my life.
Thanks again for the great thread.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
FP -
I agree with Buffalo. I too find myself looking for validation from others - whether it's friends/family, people here at SR, or from AH. I guess for me it's because I have always second-guessed myself and worried that I'm not doing the right thing and look for somebody to tell me I'm right. Or I find myself wanting to be rewarded/acknowledged for doing the right thing.
Maybe it's attention seeking, I don't know. I don't know where this behavior/thinking comes from. I don't recall my parents not being supportive of me - in fact, they used to go out of their way to be there for important events (running races, swim meets, science fairs, etc)... and they were always there with a hug and an "atta-boy." So why do I feel so insecure?
You're not alone, and thanks for posting this because it really hit a spot with me and gives me something to think about.
I agree with Buffalo. I too find myself looking for validation from others - whether it's friends/family, people here at SR, or from AH. I guess for me it's because I have always second-guessed myself and worried that I'm not doing the right thing and look for somebody to tell me I'm right. Or I find myself wanting to be rewarded/acknowledged for doing the right thing.
Maybe it's attention seeking, I don't know. I don't know where this behavior/thinking comes from. I don't recall my parents not being supportive of me - in fact, they used to go out of their way to be there for important events (running races, swim meets, science fairs, etc)... and they were always there with a hug and an "atta-boy." So why do I feel so insecure?
You're not alone, and thanks for posting this because it really hit a spot with me and gives me something to think about.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I could have written it myself. Even at my first Alanon meeting I walked away disappointed because no one came over to talk to me. I need to get over thinking that others need to validate that I am a good person. I know I am, but that drive to please others ,to feel needed by others is so powerful right now. I am looking forward to waking up and not feel like I need validation that I am lovable and wanted.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh I can relate! I have all kinds of crazy tapes in my head. I am aware or them now but they don't go away with awareness alone - darn it.
Last night I met a friend and her kids at the park. I took the neighbors kids with me. Neighbors came walking to the park to get their kids (they have an earlier bedtime I think) and their kids were playing separate from mine. I was pushing mine on the swings talking to my friend. They had all been playing together earlier - no issues at all. Totally normal right? Yet I had a surge of panic about not playing with their kids too. That they were somehow judging me negatively, blaming me for something, that I was at fault for something. This little tape lasted a fair amount of time before I convinced myself I was being ridiculous.
It is nuts and puts me in a position where, if that were a more personal relationship, boundaries would be undergoing some serious wobbling and cracking. Kind of scary.
Last night I met a friend and her kids at the park. I took the neighbors kids with me. Neighbors came walking to the park to get their kids (they have an earlier bedtime I think) and their kids were playing separate from mine. I was pushing mine on the swings talking to my friend. They had all been playing together earlier - no issues at all. Totally normal right? Yet I had a surge of panic about not playing with their kids too. That they were somehow judging me negatively, blaming me for something, that I was at fault for something. This little tape lasted a fair amount of time before I convinced myself I was being ridiculous.
It is nuts and puts me in a position where, if that were a more personal relationship, boundaries would be undergoing some serious wobbling and cracking. Kind of scary.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
It was as spectacular of an Alanon relapse as I've seen in a forum.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
When I was a little girl, my mother used to sing this little ditty:
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me.
I'll go in the garden and eat worms.
Great big fat ones, little bitty shiny ones
Gee what a wiggle worm squirm.
I truly am not one to fret much over what others think about me.
But, most of my life I spent more time than I wanted to alone.
I thought I wasn't liked.
I was invited to a neighborhood potluck and from there I made a few friends.
These women mean so much to me.
We get together for girl talk every Monday. We call it craft day but that's the excuse to meet. We bring a little project and stitch, knit, or glue while we visit. We laugh a lot. I need that and so do my friends.
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me.
I'll go in the garden and eat worms.
Great big fat ones, little bitty shiny ones
Gee what a wiggle worm squirm.
I truly am not one to fret much over what others think about me.
But, most of my life I spent more time than I wanted to alone.
I thought I wasn't liked.
I was invited to a neighborhood potluck and from there I made a few friends.
These women mean so much to me.
We get together for girl talk every Monday. We call it craft day but that's the excuse to meet. We bring a little project and stitch, knit, or glue while we visit. We laugh a lot. I need that and so do my friends.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 16
I hear ya FP1... I commend your insight and always feel that once you can verbalize things in a clear cut manner, such as how you exhibited, issues are much easier to handle. It's the confusion of not knowing why things are happening that makes us feel helpless. Thanks for the post!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
That was a nice post findingpeace... and yes, it got my attention.
I too was like you when I was younger, always finding excuses why someone wouldnt like me. It all changed when I was about 34ishhh. I did a course on 'self awareness'. Next minute I had left my husband, started a new career, and the next chapter of my life started. Now I love being around people, having a chat and a laugh. But, I also like being on my own alot too, its just finding that balance of what you want, so go for it girl...
JJ
I too was like you when I was younger, always finding excuses why someone wouldnt like me. It all changed when I was about 34ishhh. I did a course on 'self awareness'. Next minute I had left my husband, started a new career, and the next chapter of my life started. Now I love being around people, having a chat and a laugh. But, I also like being on my own alot too, its just finding that balance of what you want, so go for it girl...
JJ
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Location: rural west
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HAHA! So many posts, I don't know how to respond! LOL!
How many of you responded 'cuz the codie in you felt bad for me! :P
Now seriously, though. This is fascinating to observe in oneself!
The song went like this for me:
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms!
Big, fat juicy one,
Itty bitty teeny ones,
EWW! How they squirm!
First you bite their heads off
Then you suck the juice out
Throw their skins away!
Nobody knows how a girl can live
On worms three times a day -
(now here's where you have to imagine me and my sister with jazz hands joining in)
WITHOUT THEIR HEADS ONNNNN!!!
My mom sung that to me, too.
Probably because I was being dramatic or feeling sorry for myself.
peace
How many of you responded 'cuz the codie in you felt bad for me! :P
Now seriously, though. This is fascinating to observe in oneself!
The song went like this for me:
Nobody loves me, everybody hates me
Guess I'll go eat worms!
Big, fat juicy one,
Itty bitty teeny ones,
EWW! How they squirm!
First you bite their heads off
Then you suck the juice out
Throw their skins away!
Nobody knows how a girl can live
On worms three times a day -
(now here's where you have to imagine me and my sister with jazz hands joining in)
WITHOUT THEIR HEADS ONNNNN!!!
My mom sung that to me, too.
Probably because I was being dramatic or feeling sorry for myself.
peace
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
A variation of this: YouTube - Nobody Likes Me from the How To Eat Fried Worms *SOUNDTRACK*
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 53
Hahahaha! I totally relate. In fact, as soon as I read "I am going to give you a series of thoughts/actions as they occured.
1. I posted a happy thread"
I knew what was coming before I reached #2. Once I read #2 (one person replied) I thought about what I would make of that (that no one liked me).
I feel ya!!!
1. I posted a happy thread"
I knew what was coming before I reached #2. Once I read #2 (one person replied) I thought about what I would make of that (that no one liked me).
I feel ya!!!
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