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The Line Between Al Anon & Alateen

Old 04-05-2011, 08:15 PM
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The Line Between Al Anon & Alateen

My daughter is 18, she'll be 19 in June. I was talking to her today about going to a Al Anon or Alateen meeting but I'm not sure which one to have her go to. Does anyone have any experience with the programs to assist me? Also, any suggestions on how to explain that going isn't for my RAH or necessarily because of him but to help her? She's got a lot of repressed emotions that she hasn't allowed herself to feel. I've got her going to see a therapist this week for the first time which she's excited about. She sees that somewhere there has to be a problem since she feels anxious about college and/or job-hunting and barely leaves the house. I know all the drama of the disease has to have an effect on her but its only surfacing now since she's out of HS (which was mandatory) and she now weighs over 200lbs on a 5 ft frame. She's my middle child and has always been easy-going. Once she has her mommy, her cell phone, a computer with internet access and peanut butter & jelly - she's good.

Please help me help my baby. She's a beautiful young woman and I can't help now to see how my decisions have effected her life.
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Old 04-05-2011, 08:33 PM
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Don't think too hard about it. It could be either.
I'd have her try one of each.
When I was 17, I went to a self development workshop with adults. They had a teen one, but I felt so vulnerable and abused by other kids my age, I was thrilled to be treated like an adult! The big thing I got out of it was that adults are JUST LIKE ME in big bodies. They have the same issues, on a different scale.
I loved being with the grownups and it gave me a great perspective.

On the other hand, that might be intimidating to a young person - to hear about husbands (and wives), while the teens are talking more about parents and girl or boyfreinds. Let her decide.
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Old 04-06-2011, 08:41 AM
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Good Question..

...let her choose and don't "have" her go to either. Offer her the opportunity, encourage her, and if she chooses to go steer her towards the one she chooses. I have a meeting where, occasionally, a 13-year old from the Alateen meeting will join our meeting instead (she's been in Alateen since she was 10-- a remarkable girl, and mature in her recovery). I don't know what she gets out of it, but I get a lot out of listening to her. Another gal I've been in meetings with for five years was 19 when I first met her, and she was raised in an alcoholic home. I wish, at 24, I had the recovery she has.

There are no rules around this. Encourage her to try both on and see what fits.

Cyranaok

P.s. Gently, and this may not be true for you, many people I meet in Alanon including myself have children who are "younger" than their age because they were raised by codependent, enabling, and controlling parents like me. It's been very painful for my daughter to adjust to the new me, and to start acting like a 15-year old rather than a 10-year old. And it's my fault.

The reason I'm sharing this is if that's the case for your daughter, Alateen may be a better fit, but I still think she should choose for herself.
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:39 PM
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[QUOTE=Cyranoak;2925310]..
It's been very painful for my daughter to adjust to the new me, and to start acting like a 15-year old rather than a 10-year old. And it's my fault.

[QUOTE]

One minor observation. I make a distinction between fault and responsibility.
Fault connotes blame, guilt, judgement.
Responsibility is just an acceptance of what is ours.
I try to avoid using "fault" wholesale.
peace
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Old 04-06-2011, 07:40 PM
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I was encouraged by my Alanon sponsor to offer the Alanon option to my then 15 year old son who steadfastly refused to even try Alateen. My son liked this option better and agreed to try Alanon. He attended several meetings and unfortunately did not stick with it (he's in college now), but he got a lot out of Alanon.

The real question about taking a teen to Alanon is, are they mature enough to handle the discussions that take place in the meeting. If they are, then in my experience it may work out quite well for them. My home group has a handful of 14-18 year olds who periodically attend, and they seem to do fine.

Larry
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:58 PM
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I don't know...

That totally does not fit my martyr complex. I'm going to have to stick with "fault."



[QUOTE=FindingPeace1;2925972][QUOTE=Cyranoak;2925310]..
It's been very painful for my daughter to adjust to the new me, and to start acting like a 15-year old rather than a 10-year old. And it's my fault.


One minor observation. I make a distinction between fault and responsibility.
Fault connotes blame, guilt, judgement.
Responsibility is just an acceptance of what is ours.
I try to avoid using "fault" wholesale.
peace
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Old 04-07-2011, 05:58 AM
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That totally does not fit my martyr complex. I'm going to have to stick with "fault."

Exactly, Cyranoak!
I need the martyr mantle to go around heaving big, deep sighs at what the world is coming to.
Then, my teenage daughter says, "How is that working for ya?" (A Dr. Phil joke between us.)

I agree with Cyranoak Destiny. My daughter is way over mature, I was very depressed when she needed me, and she practically raised herself. So, it might be the opposite of your daughter (but she is not willing to give me up just yet), but, now she knows she can come to me and I will do what I can with the knowledge I have now.

Beth
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:34 AM
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I was kindly told at my home group Al Anon that my 16yr old would not be allowed as she is not 17.

Sucks becuase there are no Al Ateen for hours (we are in a rural area).

Anyone else heard of this rule?
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Old 04-07-2011, 10:37 AM
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Anyone else heard of this rule?
No, I have not heard of this rule.
And, at 16 she has been exposed to enough dysfunction to "qualify".
Just my opinion.

Could you have a group concscience meeting about this?
An idea to consider.

Beth
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Old 04-07-2011, 01:05 PM
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It is arbitrary, capricious...

...and against everything I believe Alanon stands for. In other words, it's complete ********.

Bring your daughter if she wants to go. Don't if she doesn't.

They can go **** themselves.

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by reefbreakbda View Post
I was kindly told at my home group Al Anon that my 16yr old would not be allowed as she is not 17.

Sucks becuase there are no Al Ateen for hours (we are in a rural area).

Anyone else heard of this rule?
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