TakingCharge999

I listened to that phrase today in TV and it made me remember you, wonderful SR people.

I keep you all in my thoughts these days. Yes, there is the whole sun out there... I can feel it. Shining for US. Waiting for us to welcome its warmth, and its hope.




Today I abandoned myself in several ways but I am resolved to do better tomorrow.

I have cut contact with my recent ex (we still went out here and there) and I have also gone No Contact with my dad, with the support of my therapist.


I was able to realize I feel better when I don't have contact with them. And I have stopped to feel guilty about this.


I need great men in my life. Otherwise there's no point. I am tired of what I went through mostly due to males in my family. I have done some analysis of them in my therapy. They:

-abandoned their family
-have NO capacity for empathy AT ALL
-are/have been selfish
-are manipulative
-lack tact
-have shown rejection and disrespect towards women at many times
-take females for granted
-have not "been there" but can quack a lot saying how much "they are there" - when I can see how others who I barely know, care more about me.

(Not to say the female counterparts didn't have a 50% role in the dramas that unfolded though, but with females I don't have that many trust issues)



Anyway I am still in the anger phase, but I prefer it over sadness. Its been a while since I felt like crying. I guess I am able to see how it can be like, what a normal day can look like (friends, uplifting songs, hopes, high energy, health, peace of mind) and now I am angry for all the time and energy I have lost believing lies about myself and about relationships and about life in general.

At least now its up to me... the sun has been shining this whole time... I was just wearing dark glasses... and now I can take them off.



Thanks for letting me share and walk with you in this journey

lillamy

(((hugs)))

Thank you for this post!!! It's full of encouragement and strength and hope, and that's exactly what I was craving and needing tonight!!!

TakingCharge999

Ugh... I guess it was "on TV" not "in TV"??? ah, I never got it right, when to use "in" and when to use "on"....

(((hugs back, lillamy)))

PS

I LOVE my box and my kick boxing lessons, I am even going to buy some gloves and hang them on my wall !! a reminder that YES... I can fight back: the old ideas, the isolation, the misery, the unworthiness, the chaos, the lack of trust, the resentment !! all that stuff looks better in the past.

YAY for not feeling a victim of the world anymore! this IS a new sensation for me... so far I like it

Tuffgirl

Thanks, TC, for this hopeful post. For some reason I wound up really blah yesterday afternoon and by the time I got home from a meeting, was in tears. I think the sadness sometimes creeps up on me and overshadows everything great in my life for a little bit. Still at very little contact with the RAH. Only text msgs for business reasons. It's been two weeks (or three now?) of this and although I am grateful for the reprieve from the anger and hostility, I am now cycling through grief again.

It is nice to know there is a whole sun out there. Hoping to see it shining on me today.

Linkmeister

I had a real down day yesterday-had gone totally NC with the ex after his latest binge 2 weeks ago. During that time, I did a lot of thinking about our relationship and how much it had consumed me - enough to put my life on hold in hopes of him getting and staying sober.

Any emails he sent to me (he wouldn't call as I refused to get into this crap when he was drinking) I deleted as I knew that to reply, to call would start the whole cycle once again.

Yesterday, I got the "Goodbye' email, the usual stuff and after scanning it quickly, I deleted it. In spite of the relief I had been feeling, I was pretty sad and the tears did come. The grief came and instead of fighting it, I let it all out. I cried and cried and cried but after, felt better, very tired, extremely drained but better.

It rained hard yesterday (it always does-I live on the West Coast) and I got soaked as I did my errands - one of which was to pick up my books for the accounting courses I start in May. A new beginning with the courses and an end when I saw the email.

Today is another day. The sun is out, the birds are chirping and as the old song says "I WILL survive," one day at a time.

theuncertainty

TC, your English is better than mine.

Thank you for sharing!

sesh

Hi TC,
so glad to hear you're doing well.

HUGS
sesh