Any "success" stories out there?
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
Any "success" stories out there?
I'm wondering... Do alcholics really ever get better? I want to give my AH one more chance; interestingly enough last Wednesday I filed for divorce with more conviction than I had ever felt in my life. Now that we are in calm waters and AH is telling me that he has scheduled with a counsellor, checking times for AA meetings, meeting w/ Dr. for depression (yes, all lip-service at this point) I feel different. Funny how that works, huh?!
My mom gave me some advice that I can't determine if she is right or just speaking from her own life and what she would do differently (she has been married to my dad for 38 years - he has been through every stage of alcoholism and she has gone along for the ride). She just filed for a legal separation in January and he left to another state "to take care of himself". So, here is the advice she gave me (just to let you know, I asked her for her blunt opinion since she clearly has many years of experience in these matters):
OK. I think it would be a mistake at this point to go back. I think you both need to separate and work on yourselves or it will just be the same old thing within a short amount of time. He has been "different" other times too. Look back at the pattern and remember that they are VERY smart and controlling. And our minds are so weak and ready to believe anything because that's what we really want.
I think you should do a legal separation and follow through with all that entails. Living separately, separate finances, visitation, child support, AA, Al-anon (you), counseling (both of you), possible outpatient treatment. Let him know what is expected of him to ever have a chance at a family again (ie: no drinking, AA meetings, etc.) If you do nothing - what are the consequences for his actions and what motivation does he have to work on himself. Is he really ready to work on himself or is his talk just for your benefit so you will be confused and not want to make a decision? Do you really want to take that chance when you have come so far? You are nearly there - don't stop now. Make sure he is sincere about all he is saying before you ever let him back into your life. And the only way I can see that he can prove himself is by time away. Look what happens when he is near. You can't think straight and everything that you thought was so clear is now just a cloudy mess.
His drug is alcohol and your drug is him. Think about the symptoms of an addiction - thinking of it a lot, wanting to have it, can't think of giving it up, clouded thinking and acting where it is concerned, it changes your personality. Now doesn't that sound like you?
And you know that this advice works just as well for me as for you!! I did what you are thinking of doing for years and where did it get me. LOOK AT MY LIFE!!!! I'm sure you don't want to end up where I am at 57 but I didn't think I would end up like this either because he was "different" every time. I thought he finally got it. What he got was just another way to get around me. What I have come to realize is I have to change or I will never be free of the alcoholic and the only way to do that is away from his influence. Because their influence is very very powerful. Look - it can make you go back on everything you vowed to yourself that you wouldn't do. How crazy is that?
Any thoughts/opinions anyone would like to offer would be well received. There are so many collective years of experience out there and I am so confused (again!) that I can't see straight!!!!!
My mom gave me some advice that I can't determine if she is right or just speaking from her own life and what she would do differently (she has been married to my dad for 38 years - he has been through every stage of alcoholism and she has gone along for the ride). She just filed for a legal separation in January and he left to another state "to take care of himself". So, here is the advice she gave me (just to let you know, I asked her for her blunt opinion since she clearly has many years of experience in these matters):
OK. I think it would be a mistake at this point to go back. I think you both need to separate and work on yourselves or it will just be the same old thing within a short amount of time. He has been "different" other times too. Look back at the pattern and remember that they are VERY smart and controlling. And our minds are so weak and ready to believe anything because that's what we really want.
I think you should do a legal separation and follow through with all that entails. Living separately, separate finances, visitation, child support, AA, Al-anon (you), counseling (both of you), possible outpatient treatment. Let him know what is expected of him to ever have a chance at a family again (ie: no drinking, AA meetings, etc.) If you do nothing - what are the consequences for his actions and what motivation does he have to work on himself. Is he really ready to work on himself or is his talk just for your benefit so you will be confused and not want to make a decision? Do you really want to take that chance when you have come so far? You are nearly there - don't stop now. Make sure he is sincere about all he is saying before you ever let him back into your life. And the only way I can see that he can prove himself is by time away. Look what happens when he is near. You can't think straight and everything that you thought was so clear is now just a cloudy mess.
His drug is alcohol and your drug is him. Think about the symptoms of an addiction - thinking of it a lot, wanting to have it, can't think of giving it up, clouded thinking and acting where it is concerned, it changes your personality. Now doesn't that sound like you?
And you know that this advice works just as well for me as for you!! I did what you are thinking of doing for years and where did it get me. LOOK AT MY LIFE!!!! I'm sure you don't want to end up where I am at 57 but I didn't think I would end up like this either because he was "different" every time. I thought he finally got it. What he got was just another way to get around me. What I have come to realize is I have to change or I will never be free of the alcoholic and the only way to do that is away from his influence. Because their influence is very very powerful. Look - it can make you go back on everything you vowed to yourself that you wouldn't do. How crazy is that?
Any thoughts/opinions anyone would like to offer would be well received. There are so many collective years of experience out there and I am so confused (again!) that I can't see straight!!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Wow.
I am envious that you have such a spot on and supportive mom.
and I mean supportive of your health.
I think she is absolutely right, and if my son/daughter were in your position I would not have been able to say it better.
I did stick it out, and A got sober. He is still sober, 6 months, and I let him come home and be with us, and wasted yet another 5 months of my life waiting.
Now he lives away from us, across ton, and is still messing up some things, but he is having to deal with his stuff, his repercussions, his recovery.
She is right. He will have nothing to earn if you dont pull away.
But, it cannot be a means to an end.
and that is tricky.
You have to do it, and mean it and hand it over to HP.
He may or may not get it together.
You have to surrender, but know that either way, You need what you deserve:
Happiness, clarity, calm
A nice day to day that is not tainted by someone elses chaos.
You can love him from a distance, for now.
Let him get out there and deal with reality. He is an adult.
She is not kidding. He will find ways to continue "getting around you" if you allow that.
Do you want to spend any more time waiting?
Get on with it, life. HE will either come up to meet you where you are, or he will fall behind.
I agree with mom. Very insightful, and remember she has years of experince, also
I am envious that you have such a spot on and supportive mom.
and I mean supportive of your health.
I think she is absolutely right, and if my son/daughter were in your position I would not have been able to say it better.
I did stick it out, and A got sober. He is still sober, 6 months, and I let him come home and be with us, and wasted yet another 5 months of my life waiting.
Now he lives away from us, across ton, and is still messing up some things, but he is having to deal with his stuff, his repercussions, his recovery.
She is right. He will have nothing to earn if you dont pull away.
But, it cannot be a means to an end.
and that is tricky.
You have to do it, and mean it and hand it over to HP.
He may or may not get it together.
You have to surrender, but know that either way, You need what you deserve:
Happiness, clarity, calm
A nice day to day that is not tainted by someone elses chaos.
You can love him from a distance, for now.
Let him get out there and deal with reality. He is an adult.
She is not kidding. He will find ways to continue "getting around you" if you allow that.
Do you want to spend any more time waiting?
Get on with it, life. HE will either come up to meet you where you are, or he will fall behind.
I agree with mom. Very insightful, and remember she has years of experince, also
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Happiness Fairy!
Wow, is right! I think your mother's words are very accurate....she is sharing with you her experiences have gone through it all with your dad.
The only advice I can give you is to watch your AH's actions....DO NOT simply listen to his words telling your HEART what it wants to hear. Legal separation is something that might provide you with the time, distance, and peace you need right now.
Hugs to you and best of luck as you mull over your options!
HG
Wow, is right! I think your mother's words are very accurate....she is sharing with you her experiences have gone through it all with your dad.
The only advice I can give you is to watch your AH's actions....DO NOT simply listen to his words telling your HEART what it wants to hear. Legal separation is something that might provide you with the time, distance, and peace you need right now.
Hugs to you and best of luck as you mull over your options!
HG
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
As an alcoholic, I cringed at the "he is checking times for AA meetings" comment. AA meetings are fricking everywhere in the USA, even in small Appalachian towns. Checking the time for an AA meeting - especially in a big or even medium sized city - is like checking how many flights go from Indianapolis to Atlanta everyday. I have no idea what # of flights that is but trust me it is several. He should just go already. In fact I take this as sure evidence that he is not serious. If he was he would've been to a meeting already.
Other than that I agree with your mom 100%.
If fact the only thing I disagee with is your choice of text colors LOL.
Other than that I agree with your mom 100%.
If fact the only thing I disagee with is your choice of text colors LOL.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I absolutely second your Mom. She's spot on.
There are success stories. But few and far between. And no one kill me for saying this, but it seems to me more of the successes are women than men, just MHO. Not that there aren't some very successfully recovered men out there (I know quite a few through Al-Anon), just that women seem to have an easier time accepting help and admitting addictions. I think we're just socialized to be more accepting (obviously given how much BS we put up with).
Follow your Mom's advice - you're hearing it from an expert.
There are success stories. But few and far between. And no one kill me for saying this, but it seems to me more of the successes are women than men, just MHO. Not that there aren't some very successfully recovered men out there (I know quite a few through Al-Anon), just that women seem to have an easier time accepting help and admitting addictions. I think we're just socialized to be more accepting (obviously given how much BS we put up with).
Follow your Mom's advice - you're hearing it from an expert.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 49
dgillz - I couldn't agree more about my color choice!!!! LOL! I didn't realize it would be that atrocious and it's too late to edit!
Seriously though, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this matter. Deep down I know you are right I just don't want you to be. I need to go with the facts and circumstances approach to this.
Turning... off... heart... right... now...
Seriously though, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this matter. Deep down I know you are right I just don't want you to be. I need to go with the facts and circumstances approach to this.
Turning... off... heart... right... now...
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
First off, you are very fortunate to have a mom who understands and has the kind of wisdom that sometimes, sadly; comes only by experience. She's given you many details and practical advice. (It's exactly what I would want my daughter to do if she was in this situation.) Your mom wants the best for you and to spare you the grief she's known' but the truth is that it's up to you alone to decide about this for yourself.
Everything your mom shared with you about this disease is the same story with different details that we read about here on SR and hear about in 12 step meetings. Those commonalities are what helped me to find solutions for myself and my own family dynamics. I didn't always do the exact same thing as others but the ideas and principles behind my actions were the same.
Are there success stories? Yes but as far as I'm concerned only consistent actions...over a period of time let me know determine success in recovery.
I know lots of people who have been clean and sober for many, many years. I also know some who regularly relapse at some time interval or another and some who never stop at all. I have some up close and personal experience with someone whose recovery has been on and off for many years...with long (many years) times of sobriety inbetween.
Having hope about another person never took the reality of it all away. I still have to make my own welfare the higher priority.
One thing that helped me to learn what good recovery looks like was to attend alot of open AA and NA meetings. After doing that I became more aware of what positve things to look for as well as recognize the downsides of things.
Take care of yourself, you are worth it.
Everything your mom shared with you about this disease is the same story with different details that we read about here on SR and hear about in 12 step meetings. Those commonalities are what helped me to find solutions for myself and my own family dynamics. I didn't always do the exact same thing as others but the ideas and principles behind my actions were the same.
Are there success stories? Yes but as far as I'm concerned only consistent actions...over a period of time let me know determine success in recovery.
I know lots of people who have been clean and sober for many, many years. I also know some who regularly relapse at some time interval or another and some who never stop at all. I have some up close and personal experience with someone whose recovery has been on and off for many years...with long (many years) times of sobriety inbetween.
Having hope about another person never took the reality of it all away. I still have to make my own welfare the higher priority.
One thing that helped me to learn what good recovery looks like was to attend alot of open AA and NA meetings. After doing that I became more aware of what positve things to look for as well as recognize the downsides of things.
Take care of yourself, you are worth it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think your mother has learned to become a wise woman through her own experiences. My experience is to learn to have patience with yourself, don't be in such a rush to ease the pain before some healing can occur. If you both love each other and HE is serious about addressing his drinking issues then time is on both your side. An easy tell tale sign will be him pushing you to come back before he has any kind of real sober time under his belt. Or him telling you that he can’t do it without you. Cause you know that is not true other wise he would have already done it by now.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Those are some powerful words from your mom!
Even though the font colour was not the easiest to read, I managed to read every word from your mom and truer words were never spoken.
Focus on you and your recovery-let AH focus on his.
Even though the font colour was not the easiest to read, I managed to read every word from your mom and truer words were never spoken.
Focus on you and your recovery-let AH focus on his.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 6
Thanks
I'm Happiness Fairy's mom. It was wonderful to hear from all of you that this time I have it right. Because the advice I gave her is the advice I am taking for myself! Better late then never. It's just great to know I'm on the right track.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
Wow! This is very moving. What inspiring women you are. I know I'll be reading and re-reading this over and over.
Fairy, no need to turn off your heart now. Just redirect all that loving generosity you've directed to him toward yourself and other positive and supportive family members. For me, working on codependency is really hard, so it can only help to keep our hearts open to ourselves.
Fairy, no need to turn off your heart now. Just redirect all that loving generosity you've directed to him toward yourself and other positive and supportive family members. For me, working on codependency is really hard, so it can only help to keep our hearts open to ourselves.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello Freedombound, and welcome to SR. If you care to, you might want to start up a thread to introduce yourself and share with the the rest of us in the forum.
Thanks for sharing and it's nice to meet you.
Thanks for sharing and it's nice to meet you.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yeah, I am kinda where you are. I filed for separation but part of me keeps hoping things can work out, I feel sorry for my kids because they love him, etc. I know better though, I need to get out. He is a nice person in many ways, but he is exhausting and even when sober, is hard to handle because he is not like a partner, it is like I am his mommy. If he does something good, he has to announce it to me because he needs my praise. He has to make sure we are talking about him and his problems and his progress all the time. I don't think most normal, happy, healthy people become alcoholics, there are usually mental issues of some kind there too.
He is living with his parents right now and hoping things can work out, but I think he is only going through the motions of recovery to get us back together, even though he is too smart to say so. I am 99% sure if I tell him I want a divorce, he will be drinking by the end of the day. He was going to some meetings, but has all kinds of excuses as to why he can't get to as many as he was attending a month ago. He is obviously not that serious and he is getting WAY too cozy at his parents house.
My husband has been to so many detoxes, counselors, therapy groups, doctors, rehabs, etc. is is making us broke and it has done very little good. He wants someone to give him the magic pill or magic words and fix him, I think, and we all know it doesn't work that way.
I say all this to say, GET OUT NOW!!! If you two are meant to be, maybe he can work on recovering over the next couple of years and you can reconcile. If you have filed for divorce, obviously there are BIG problems. Take your mom's advice, she is a smart lady who has already been there and done that.
He is living with his parents right now and hoping things can work out, but I think he is only going through the motions of recovery to get us back together, even though he is too smart to say so. I am 99% sure if I tell him I want a divorce, he will be drinking by the end of the day. He was going to some meetings, but has all kinds of excuses as to why he can't get to as many as he was attending a month ago. He is obviously not that serious and he is getting WAY too cozy at his parents house.
My husband has been to so many detoxes, counselors, therapy groups, doctors, rehabs, etc. is is making us broke and it has done very little good. He wants someone to give him the magic pill or magic words and fix him, I think, and we all know it doesn't work that way.
I say all this to say, GET OUT NOW!!!
If you two are meant to be, maybe he can work on recovering over the next couple of years and you can reconcile. If you have filed for divorce, obviously there are BIG problems. Take your mom's advice, she is a smart lady who has already been there and done that.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Add another cheer for mom!
Yes, there are success stories, and my first husband is one. Our eventual divorce had nothing to do with alcoholism. But there's no way to predict, in the beginning, who is serious and who is just manipulating and stalling.
You can stop the divorce at the last minute if you want to. You can remarry him later if that's where it leads. But once you've done the hard work to get the ball rolling, let it roll.
Yes, there are success stories, and my first husband is one. Our eventual divorce had nothing to do with alcoholism. But there's no way to predict, in the beginning, who is serious and who is just manipulating and stalling.
You can stop the divorce at the last minute if you want to. You can remarry him later if that's where it leads. But once you've done the hard work to get the ball rolling, let it roll.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 37
I too agree that you are so lucky to have such a caring mom. I think she is giving you very good advice.
I'm sure that there are success stories out there, but I am not one of them. Although I thought I was a success story at one point in time. My husband had almost 9 years of sobriety and then relapsed big time. I thought that those 9 years were great since he wasn't drinking. The sad truth is that our relationship was far from great. I just thought that as long as he wasn't drinking then I could work through anything. I truly thought those were great years, but looking back I think differently now. We are separated now and I don't see any chance of reconcilliation.
I'm sure that there are success stories out there, but I am not one of them. Although I thought I was a success story at one point in time. My husband had almost 9 years of sobriety and then relapsed big time. I thought that those 9 years were great since he wasn't drinking. The sad truth is that our relationship was far from great. I just thought that as long as he wasn't drinking then I could work through anything. I truly thought those were great years, but looking back I think differently now. We are separated now and I don't see any chance of reconcilliation.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 
My husband has been to so many detoxes, counselors, therapy groups, doctors, rehabs, etc. is is making us broke and it has done very little good. He wants someone to give him the magic pill or magic words and fix him, I think, and we all know it doesn't work that way.
Originally Posted by Ladybug0130
Take your mom's advice, she is a smart lady who has already been there and done that.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
I'm sure there are more success stories than we read here. People that have successfully recovering spouses aren't posting on this board! They're out living their happy lives! LOL!
Nonetheless, a wise soul on this board told me once (when I asked just this), none of ANY of them matter. YOU matter and your AH matters. Who cares if 99% recover successfully! Is YOURS taking healthy actions to recover? Is he changing? Is he willing? Has he admitted he is powerless with alcohol?
No.
So what are you fussing about? You know what to do!
Peace
Nonetheless, a wise soul on this board told me once (when I asked just this), none of ANY of them matter. YOU matter and your AH matters. Who cares if 99% recover successfully! Is YOURS taking healthy actions to recover? Is he changing? Is he willing? Has he admitted he is powerless with alcohol?
No.
So what are you fussing about? You know what to do!
Peace
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
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(That green did make my eyes all hurty.)
Sounds like your mom has lived this and is speaking from experience. I wish I had listened to my mom when I married. Turns out everything she said was right on the mark.
Like me, we are fortunate to have strong and wise women for mothers so I'd definately listen to mom!
Sounds like your mom has lived this and is speaking from experience. I wish I had listened to my mom when I married. Turns out everything she said was right on the mark.
Like me, we are fortunate to have strong and wise women for mothers so I'd definately listen to mom!
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