advice about my OFP
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
advice about my OFP
So I got a call friday from one of the women's advocacy program workers that exA's lawyer (he just got one, apparently) wanted to speak with me about some things so that we wouldn't have to go back to court.
The advocate said that she was taking over my case since the lady who was working with me is no longer with them...? She had just started last Oct, so I don't know why she left and she was just telling me how she loved the job. That is besides the point but anyways..
So, this advocate said to call this lawyer and were in a small town, she said this guy is respectful and just wanted to talk so we don't go to court. Ok fine, so I call him and he was wondering about exA getting some stuff and if we could do it with out police escort to save embarrassment..? I guess he requested that..but I told the lawyer no, I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. He had a list of things he wanted, I said fine, and pretty much I could care less about the material things as long as the kids and I have what we need.
Then he said exA requested for his mom to be off the third party and was wondering who I would feel safe with using. I said I didn't know yet. exA wants visits with the kids and aparently he is moving into a rental four blocks from us. This gets kind of confusing but we have a contract for deed and the people we buying the house from have rentals in town and I guess he is going to help fix up this rental house and live there (the last tennants left it trashed) . He must be desperate to get out of his parents house or they're maybe kicking him out who knows.
The lawyer, who was honestly really nice, casually mentioned dropping the OFP or I could get it modified to be able to communicate with exA on the phone about the kids so we wouldn't need a third party. At first I said, okay I guess that wouldn't be much of a problem. Then after a while of talking I said, no that wouldn't work and we will need a third party or some other way to communicate other than directly. Then went on and on about visits w/ kids and I basically said I don't trust him with the kids and it would probably need to be supervised, but wasn't sure. He was wondering what I was thinking like, if exA did some DV counseling or anger management then feeling okay with the kids going with him. Or if we wrote in the papers no drinking with kids present. I said that woldn't work because he lies to the courts about his drinking. The DV is something he needs but I still probably wouldn't trust him! So yadda yadda about those kinds of things...
At the end of the convo he said that it is in my control and he mentioned that he could be considered a third party and that would equal a violation if I wanted it to be....? SOOO, since I was going with the advocate's suggestion to call the lawyer...I am so confused. Is this okay that the lawyer is talking with me? Or should I not be conversing with him?
The lawyer called me back and all he said was, "exA was thinking of maybe keeping his mom as the third party, but will get back to me." I guess if he uses the lawyer as our designated third party it would cost exA.
It feels good to be in control of my own life. People trying to set me up to fail, done with that too! So, I just hope I am doing the right thing..
The advocate said that she was taking over my case since the lady who was working with me is no longer with them...? She had just started last Oct, so I don't know why she left and she was just telling me how she loved the job. That is besides the point but anyways..
So, this advocate said to call this lawyer and were in a small town, she said this guy is respectful and just wanted to talk so we don't go to court. Ok fine, so I call him and he was wondering about exA getting some stuff and if we could do it with out police escort to save embarrassment..? I guess he requested that..but I told the lawyer no, I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. He had a list of things he wanted, I said fine, and pretty much I could care less about the material things as long as the kids and I have what we need.
Then he said exA requested for his mom to be off the third party and was wondering who I would feel safe with using. I said I didn't know yet. exA wants visits with the kids and aparently he is moving into a rental four blocks from us. This gets kind of confusing but we have a contract for deed and the people we buying the house from have rentals in town and I guess he is going to help fix up this rental house and live there (the last tennants left it trashed) . He must be desperate to get out of his parents house or they're maybe kicking him out who knows.
The lawyer, who was honestly really nice, casually mentioned dropping the OFP or I could get it modified to be able to communicate with exA on the phone about the kids so we wouldn't need a third party. At first I said, okay I guess that wouldn't be much of a problem. Then after a while of talking I said, no that wouldn't work and we will need a third party or some other way to communicate other than directly. Then went on and on about visits w/ kids and I basically said I don't trust him with the kids and it would probably need to be supervised, but wasn't sure. He was wondering what I was thinking like, if exA did some DV counseling or anger management then feeling okay with the kids going with him. Or if we wrote in the papers no drinking with kids present. I said that woldn't work because he lies to the courts about his drinking. The DV is something he needs but I still probably wouldn't trust him! So yadda yadda about those kinds of things...
At the end of the convo he said that it is in my control and he mentioned that he could be considered a third party and that would equal a violation if I wanted it to be....? SOOO, since I was going with the advocate's suggestion to call the lawyer...I am so confused. Is this okay that the lawyer is talking with me? Or should I not be conversing with him?
The lawyer called me back and all he said was, "exA was thinking of maybe keeping his mom as the third party, but will get back to me." I guess if he uses the lawyer as our designated third party it would cost exA.
It feels good to be in control of my own life. People trying to set me up to fail, done with that too! So, I just hope I am doing the right thing..
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Who is handling your side of the divorce? The Woman's Advocacy Center? Do you have your own attorney? Ideally, you should not be talking with his attorney. The whole reason each side has an attorney is so that the attorneys can talk to each other as representatives of their respective clients. You really should have your own attorney and not be talking to his. Don't forget, HIS attorney is on HIS side.
Edit to add: No, I would not cancel the OFP. You have that in place for a reason.
Edit to add: No, I would not cancel the OFP. You have that in place for a reason.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's totally up to you whether to talk to his lawyer. You have no obligation to. If you had a lawyer of your own he wouldn't be allowed to talk to you. He would have to talk to your lawyer, instead.
My suggestion when dealing with his lawyer is that you take careful notes of what he asks for, but not to make any decisions right there on the phone. Tell him you will think about it and get back to him. That way, you won't feel pressured to make a decision on the spot.
Then do that. Think about it, post about it here if you want to. THEN make your decision.
And if I were you, I wouldn't be thinking about dropping that order anytime soon.
My suggestion when dealing with his lawyer is that you take careful notes of what he asks for, but not to make any decisions right there on the phone. Tell him you will think about it and get back to him. That way, you won't feel pressured to make a decision on the spot.
Then do that. Think about it, post about it here if you want to. THEN make your decision.
And if I were you, I wouldn't be thinking about dropping that order anytime soon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
certainly, I don't know for sure what is happening. However the his lawyer by definition is legally obligated to work for your Ex. He can not be trusted in dealing with you. If he gets you to agree to something that benefits his client, then he has done well. It matters not one little bit if you think he is nice. If I wanted you to do something for me, I would be nice to you too!
Play hard ball. Read your court order again. Paraphrase the complicated language into a way that you understand. Then put that in bullet form on a single sheet of paper. And review it before you deal with any of these people. When they ask for you to do something against the order, quote the order and say no. What can they do?
Ex brought this down upon himself. Let him deal with it. You seem to be really doing well. Don't get distracted. If ex doesn't see kids as much as he wants right now, big deal. The side effects will not turn them into cannibals. Nor will it turn your Ex into a mass murderer. He can go cry to his friends and family and blame you. He already does with a bunch of made up sheet. Might as well as give him some real ammo.
Be strong. Be patient.
Play hard ball. Read your court order again. Paraphrase the complicated language into a way that you understand. Then put that in bullet form on a single sheet of paper. And review it before you deal with any of these people. When they ask for you to do something against the order, quote the order and say no. What can they do?
Ex brought this down upon himself. Let him deal with it. You seem to be really doing well. Don't get distracted. If ex doesn't see kids as much as he wants right now, big deal. The side effects will not turn them into cannibals. Nor will it turn your Ex into a mass murderer. He can go cry to his friends and family and blame you. He already does with a bunch of made up sheet. Might as well as give him some real ammo.
Be strong. Be patient.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
I don't have a lawyer, I have been just going through the womens advocacy. I don't have any money for one so, I am not sure how that would work.
Thank you, you guys are right. And I have no intentions to drop it soon or even at all. After all the crap he put me and the kids through, one year sounds good to me as far as I am concerend.
I jsut don't get why the lady suggested I call her? That didn't make much sense, and of course I did call because these advocates seem to know more abt these issues than me!
Thank you, you guys are right. And I have no intentions to drop it soon or even at all. After all the crap he put me and the kids through, one year sounds good to me as far as I am concerend.
I jsut don't get why the lady suggested I call her? That didn't make much sense, and of course I did call because these advocates seem to know more abt these issues than me!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
LS2,
i was glad to read your post and glad to see that you seem to be feeling better and more in control.
i do have to agree w/ majority of the posts. i would not be talking to his lawyer at all w/out my lawyer. period. they have a way of asking questions that sound innocent and trivial when in fact they pertain to the case and can have serious consequences.
also like already said, i would not make any decisions over the phone. to me it seems like he is trying to rush you and talk to you before you have a chance to get a legal advice of your own.
and the bottom line is, he is paid by your ex, so he will not have your best interest in mind, regardless of how nice he may seem.
sorry nothing new to say what everyone else hasn't already said.
stay strong and the things will get better. hope you have a good rest of the weekend.
hugs and prayers.
i was glad to read your post and glad to see that you seem to be feeling better and more in control.
i do have to agree w/ majority of the posts. i would not be talking to his lawyer at all w/out my lawyer. period. they have a way of asking questions that sound innocent and trivial when in fact they pertain to the case and can have serious consequences.
also like already said, i would not make any decisions over the phone. to me it seems like he is trying to rush you and talk to you before you have a chance to get a legal advice of your own.
and the bottom line is, he is paid by your ex, so he will not have your best interest in mind, regardless of how nice he may seem.
sorry nothing new to say what everyone else hasn't already said.
stay strong and the things will get better. hope you have a good rest of the weekend.
hugs and prayers.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I imagine (though I don't know) that she knows the lawyer and believes him to be a fair and decent person who would not take advantage of your lawyer-less state. And she is right, that to the extent you can agree on anything that might save a trip to court.
He DOES represent your ex, so you CAN exptect him to be asking for what your ex wants, not necessarily what's best for you. If you can talk to him with those considerations in mind, and would rather do that than go to court, then there isn't anything wrong with it. Just do take your time before making any decisions, and remember that you can always go to court if you would rather not have to talk to him.
He DOES represent your ex, so you CAN exptect him to be asking for what your ex wants, not necessarily what's best for you. If you can talk to him with those considerations in mind, and would rather do that than go to court, then there isn't anything wrong with it. Just do take your time before making any decisions, and remember that you can always go to court if you would rather not have to talk to him.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Lexie is giving you some good advice here. I am sure you have the intelligence to know what you can agree to and what you can't without having to pay a lawyer $200/hour at this point. The women's advocacy certainly should be able to guide you through the rough spots and remember, nothing is DONE until the judge signs off on it....so even if you agree to something on the phone and then change your mind, you CAN DO THAT.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Good advice above I would only add that if it were me I wouldn't have any discussions with the lawyer because personally I get very tangled in discussions. My boundaries and self assurance are not that good yet. One question leads to another and pretty soon a lawyer would have me agreeing to so many 'reasonable' things that I'd cross a line and walk right into stuff I don't want. I would request that his lawyer put all the requests in writing and send me the letter. I could then sit down and consider *all* the questions at once in the big picture and formulate a response that I felt good about.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
