dancingnow

I know there is a lot in my life to be grateful for and I know I can have a good life without AH.

Sometimes I just feel so angry about his attitude and his hiding behind his disease. I feel like I am the one holding everything together for our kids and he doesn't give a sh**.

The only communication between us now is him asking me when I am going to bring my DS to be with him and it's not even him wanting DS there totally, it's more so he can plan how he is going to get his work done and probably when he is going to drink. It seems like he just has DS there to boost his own ego.

I am so angry that I spent so many years trying to connect with my AH and being oblivious to him drowning himself in alcohol. All that time I was blaming myself for parts of our relationship that weren't working and thinking he was working too much. Now that all is out, he turns to his work and totally puts that before anything else. He is not even seeking recovery.

I am left to deal with everything. He is so nasty when he speaks to me and cannot answer even the simplest of questions, like when are you going to take care of the taxes. Yeah, I probably should do them myself, but I can't even imagine adding anymore to my list that gets bigger and bigger every day.

I do everything for the kids, the house, the bills and there are still things that fall through the cracks.

I am truly stuck in my blame of him for deceiving me and now crying disease and leaving me with all the responsibility. In some ways I know I need to be fully responsible because in reality it's never really shared responsibility because you can't turn it on and off when it comes to the kids but at the same time I just want to scream.

If he wasn't an A I think at least maybe there would be some recognition of being responsible for tearing the marriage apart and not have it totally be blamed on me.

I am having a bad day today and it always seems I get like this whenever my kids are off with their plans and I am left to myself - to do what - to clean the house, take care of the bills, do the laundry, plan everyone's schedule for the week, get ready for a work trip. Trying to make changes by getting my kids to help out more but that makes it sometimes even harder. When AH was here he never supported me in getting the kids to help out and now that he is not here, my kids think I'm trying to be a slave driver.

I'm tired of taking care of everybody's life and not having the life I thought I had with a loving, available husband. I need to get over this and move on from here.

Went to Rod Stewart concert the other night and it was great - the energy of it made me feel so good. It stayed with me for a couple of days, until I had to deal with my nasty AH this weekend to bring my DS over there.
My DD had some friends over for her birthday and they had a good time.