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Picking at scabs

Old 04-02-2011, 03:15 PM
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Picking at scabs

I was doing so well this past month. Yeah I missed him but I felt strong and resolved that if I didn't write, it would somehow 'prove something' either to him or myself (I haven't written). But then I also wanted him to suffer for not writing me. I feel forgotten. Not a great feeling.

Even though I know my letters are a source of support and that he loves them, I stopped because he hasn't written me in a couple of months. I don't know where his head is at nor is it my job to figure it out or go by how HE feels. I tell myself that if I feel like reaching out then to do so. But yet I have lots of pride and I am ticked off that he can't write. A monkey can scribble on piece of paper and lick a stamp and mail it. Why can't he? What IS it telling me?

I am still puzzled. Maybe by now I thought I'd hear from him. All I got was some email that was sent to me and a few other people (women :-/) but there was nothing on it, just some embedded image that didn't work. Getting that email triggered a wave of tears all over again. What was it? Why did he send it and why if he has access to email hasn't he sent anything specifically to me? The longer he goes, maybe the harder it is for him to acknowledge that I have feelings too and some explanation for the silence would be helpful.

I thought rehab and recovery was about recognizing how your actions affect others and trying to fix it? I get stuck with that thought. Nothing makes sense sometimes.

Maybe I'm missing something here? (This is long term rehab we are talking about here where having female contact (other than letters) is verbotten).
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:24 PM
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are u in AL ANON?

when someone goes to AA or in detox...they really should not have any partner/relationships...where you bf and gf? and living together...tell me more, or i will look at old post...

you trying to figure him out, is not gonna help any...actually its a waste of time and energy....

that energy should be focused on YOU....and you alone...please take this time to do just that...find who you are.....
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:38 PM
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Yep I am in al-anon and I am ok with me. I was doing quite well until I got that cryptic email.

We never lived together. I know about the not being in a relationship bit. It is the not communicating bit that is hurtful. I never wanted to lose his friendship and I was trying be supportive. Things were great, or so I thought.

That is why It baffles me. If he were to just write and say he still at least wants me as a friend then I'm fine with that but going from being very very close and emotionally bonded to deafening silence is messing with my head a bit.

I get the reasons to not be in a relationship but to be dismissive of the other person's feelings (or come across as so) isn't something they tell them to do there is it? What part of 'can't be in a relationship' means 'flick her away like a mosquito'.

Either way it is about what I want and I want to reach out and be that friend but I am not sure if that is wise given he has to emotionally detach for his recovery (I assume!).

Part of me says F-it, if you feel like writing go ahead, just be cool and not all lovey stuff. He'd be happy to hear from you just don't expect anything back. VS How dare he toss me away like that! Ask me any given day and you'll get a different feeling.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:12 PM
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Babyblue, my husband has been in recovery since Aug 09, including 3 months residential. In his case he still doesn't really know how to deal with other people. He was "medicated" with alcohol for so long, that learning to deal with life sober has taken almost all of his energy and focus. He is just now getting to the point where he can consider dealing with my feelings. I laugh when I think about how much I worried about how to deal with him when he was inpatient. I doubt he remembers that much of it - I think it is a blur for him now.

There's no way for you to know what is going on in his head, or how he will be as he progresses in recovery. I suspect that you may not even be a topic of conversation. Recovery isn't about learning to have a relationship with other people, it is about learning to have a relationship with yourself. Others come later.

The best thing you can do for yourself is figure out YOU.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:32 PM
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Thanks Trapeze. Before he went in, he had stopped drinking (on his own/AA) and was making an effort to be present. I got my hopes up too soon I guess. He knew he had to really dig his heels into recovery in a huge way to change his life so I was sad he had to go into something long term but he said he'd write and he hasn't.

I can read into that a million ways but my head goes right to my own feelings of self worth. I feel rejected. Is that healthy? Heck no. Am I working on it, I am and was doing well until yesterday. I am the kind of person that hates not knowing but we can never really know what a person's motives are or what they are feeling, we go by actions. And if his actions are an indicator, I am not to be a presence in his life right now.

I accept it, get it on thinking level, but it is turning into resentment. I am angry at someone who wants to fix themselves. It is a really weird place to be. I don't want to be angry. Anger is a feeling I think many of us on here have a tough time with. I want to let it go and just be a supportive friend. And I am finding that so so difficult because of my intense feelings.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:50 PM
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Hey now, what wrong with e-mail from women, we're the smarter and more beautiful gender j/k, or am I?

This is codepency at its finest. I have the same problem, counting the days that I won't call or write him. "OK I'm going to wait at least 10 days until I make contact with him" and then I don't do what I planned and get mad at myself to it.

Try not to worry, he is in a safe place (at first when I was reading I thought he was in prison). I hope you are not worried of other women in the facility because that is how I am. Again codependency at its finest.

It looks like he's doing the right thing, so with time things should improve. It's very hard to be patient and wait but I'm afraid that's what you will have to do: hurry and wait

Good luck to you,

Stacy
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:18 PM
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My impressions of that rehab place vary: monestary, prison, spa-like retreat. Who knows. I have never been in one.

I needed to read that Stacy. I am trying to ask permission to write or not. Almost comical if I think about it. I am basing my writing him on his actions and that is very co-dependent of me.

"If I write and say the wrong thing, will it harm him? will he stop caring about me?". Ugh. Yeah, that is how I think sometimes.

Then I tell myself "let it go, step away from the ledge". I know I can only focus on now, on what is right here, right in front of me at this moment and I am lucky in so many ways. I am blessed in many ways in my life with or without him.

I also need to be careful of what I read on SR here because we don't have kids together, aren't married so my emotional 'damage' from this is minor compared to what others have been put through. In one way I dodged a bullet but he always wanted to keep me apart from his drinking life and he never talked about any AA work so I respected that. It makes sense that I'd be shut out of this rehab story as well.

This is a crazy question but.. do they come out of rehab like zombies? That is an actual thought that rattles around my head sometimes. I only know rehab from what others post and I read stuff like 'reprogramming' and I get nervous. Or is this just overactive paranoia on my part.
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:30 PM
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Hiya Babyblue,

It really depends on the person how they come out of rehab, sorry. Some come out of rehab very happy and recharged, and ready to start a new life.

Some come out of rehab and still think it's all about them, which it is in a way but everything might revolve around meetings and AA for awhile, which is good and sometimes bad.

Just remember you are 50% of the relationship and deserve 50% of the love and attention.

You are very supportive and you seem like a great woman (remember we are the smarter gender, j/k, or am I?)
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:31 PM
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Babyblue, in my journey I have realized that I am looking for my RAH to fill a hole left by other people. I needed his validation, and that's why his emotional absence was so painful. Now I'm working on filling it myself.

I'm sure there are many different experiences regarding rehab, but in my husband's case he was not a zombie. He was kind of lost. What I've learned since then that depending on the history of abuse it can take a year to a year and a half before the mind is really working correctly, and that's when the real work starts. I can see how this could be correct.
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Old 04-02-2011, 05:40 PM
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Stacy, I am woman hear me Roar!

Trapeze, my therapist said the same thing.. that I need to use other things to make me feel cared about or important.

As for the cryptic email, I am almost 99% sure it was spam because the link was for viagra. LOL
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:46 PM
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LOL no doubt babyblue!

Maybe we can help each other out by NOT contacting our codie partners together lol, ok let's not count the days, that's just sick minds working lol

P.S. If we are codies, what are they coders????
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:20 PM
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Arrow

Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
Trapeze, my therapist said the same thing.. that I need to use other things to make me feel cared about or important.
And what can those other things be??

Get a copy of Melody beatty's "Language of letting go".. great book

Dear Babyblue it has taken me 2 years+ to finally start feeling at peace about XABF, also he still thinks he is fine, so maybe that made things easier. In any case clinging to someone is a recipe for letdowns and resentment, I did that many years and many months and I was heartbroken when he ignored me. I was relating my worth with his attention, very sick attitude. You are worth great things just by being you, you are an independent person, there is no one else like you.

What about writing him a letter with how you feel then putting it in the trash, burning it, or posting it here? tell him all of what you have been through, in that letter. Everything you have felt and how you feel now. Don't store all that pain in your heart Babyblue, you can let it go.

Also I have a paper with my qualities in my room and I see it often.. it helps.

Perhaps you can also ask your therapist for specific exercises when you start wondering about the guy? today in therapy I put my resentment towards XABF, my dad and both my grandfathers (all of them absent people, incapable of empathy and who haven't valued the women in their lives) in an imaginary balloon and sent it far far away into the blue sky.
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:23 PM
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Takingcharge, this book sounds great, I've read some of the passages on the codependency thread.

What a great idea about writing the letter and burning it, I love it, especially the burning part lol
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:35 PM
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Its a wonderful book!

Be careful with the burning... we have done lots of burning in group therapy and also in a AA-based spiritual retreat (3th and 4th step)

I have also done visualizations where I dance infront of a fireplace and my unhealthy feelings start getting out of my body and into the fire...

Also when taking a bath you can ask the water to wash the sadness (or whatever) away.

Walking barefoot you can ask the Earth to pull your bad vibes from your feet.

And when breathing you can inhale everything that is good and exhale the past, the resentment, anger or whatever bugs you in that moment...

Well the therapist is working with the elements lately so all of these are her ideas, although I know many groups of people before (indigenous people, Native Americans, etc.) have resorted to such visualizations and rituals to tap Nature's healing powers.... surrender to HP...
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Old 04-03-2011, 12:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
All I got was some email that was sent to me and a few other people (women :-/) but there was nothing on it, just some embedded image that didn't work.
Was it a link to some site that was supposed to have an image? My first thought on this was that it was an email virus. The kind that penetrates your email account, steals your addresses and sends out more viruses in hopes the receiver will click on it and infect their computer.
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Old 04-03-2011, 01:08 AM
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TakingCharge, thanks again, I will use your advice, most definitely, afterall what have I got to lose?

I'm going to buy the book on Amazon this weekend, and then I will no longer be a codie ha well at least I will understand and start working on my issues, and watch out you may become my next codie victim :O

I didn't even know this term until a cpl of months ago, and then I didn't know I was one, until about 4-5 ppl pointed it out to me.

So SORRY babyblue for taking over your post like this, apparently I think the world revolves around me.

I really do wish the best for you and I think we should work together on this but not become on another's codies
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:14 PM
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No worries Stacy!

I went to an al-anon meeting and since I am so new to that group (and al-anon) a couple of people reached out to me and I was so touched by that. I think I look like a scared lost puppy (with lipstick!) during the meetings and it was nice to feel welcomed.

I still am going back and forth about contacting. I don't want it to be a punishment (someone posted about the silent treatment being a form of abuse and it got me thinking about why I was not writing, it is because I am hurt and I want him to hurt.. bad I know.).

I'm gonna write and rewrite and go over it with my therapist. Not sending it because even if silent treatment isn't ok, my not writing to clear my head and deal with my anger is ok.

Takingcharge: I do take baths as a way to 'detox' from the stressors (I have a very stressful job). Thank you for those helpful suggestions. I am going to write a letter pouring out how I feel and then NOT send that one while I write a brief (but kind) one to possibly send.

The thing is I love to write, I express myself easily through words so I actually miss writing him also for my own benefit. As someone who loves to write it is tough dealing with someone who has a panic attack when he sits down to lick a stamp.

sigh.
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
The thing is I love to write, I express myself easily through words so I actually miss writing him also for my own benefit. As someone who loves to write it is tough dealing with someone who has a panic attack when he sits down to lick a stamp.

sigh.
If you love to write, then write! Who cares what he does. Journaling has been one of the best tools I have learned through this whole ordeal. Getting all those feelings out of my head an onto paper helped keep me sane.

L
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Old 04-04-2011, 10:40 PM
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True true, I do journal both online and in a book. I also like to write poetry and maybe need to channel more of that energy. I know I need to.

I just need to get out of my 'woe is me' mood.
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