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It's gotten worse

Old 04-02-2011, 10:18 AM
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It's gotten worse

I didn't think it could get any worse than it has, but it is.

In my first post I wrote how she had made terrible choices in men this last year. The 1st one took her for 59,000 dollars. The next one has spent her money and he almost killed her. He beat her and tortured her so badly that she was unrecognizable. He plead guilty and is to be sentenced next week. He has been in jail awaiting her sentencing for 5 months. The charge was attempted murder, he has 4 prior convictions of abuse against women. He has already served 7 out of the last 10 years for beating women. He put one in a coma. This is a very very bad man. I just want to make that clear, this was horriffic what he did.

She still loves him. She somehow came up with 3,000 dollars to bail him out. It has been a nightmare. The county attorney is furious. He is watching her house. She cannot see her kids, because they think he might try to kill them. Her ex already has them, but she is not allowed anywhere near them as long as he is free. All her friends have left her when they found out what she has done. They all told her they were done. Her ex told her that he was going to court for full permanent custody. She just doesn't seem to care. She says she is in love, they are soul mates and that she is going to stand by him for 18 years. Marry him, etc. etc.

I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown. I don't even care about her losing her home and business anymore. She is so far gone that there is nothing I can do about it anyway. I gave her 13,000 dollars in the last 6 months trying to keep her afloat after all her bad choices and giving her money away to losers. I will never see that back. And it puts me in financial problems, but I will survive it. As I said, I know she is going to lose everything, but I still love her. I know I cannot help her. I am trying so hard to just let it go whereever it goes. There is nothing I can do to change her mind.

Yesterday, it got really ugly between us. I said some horrible things to her. I know she is mentally unstable. I know she has talked about suicide. Of course right now she is in heaven because he is out and they are together.
Anyway even knowing how unstable she is I said these things to her:

I am embarrased you are my daughter. I used to be so proud of you. Now it is hard to hold my head up when I am out in public.

Don't ever come to me again for anything. I am done.

I will never be ok with this, or you being with him. NEVER

What do you want for your funeral? Cremation or burial, a full funeral, or a private service? Because he will kill you next time, he is a violent criminal and con man.

How can you do this to your beautiful little girls.. How can you abandon them?

I don't even remember what else was said. She gave excuses, was defiant, just doesn't get that what she is doing is wrong, and very dangerous.

I don't know what to do. She called me 5 times yesterday telling me how much she loved me and that she wasn't doing this to hurt me or anyone. That she just loved him, they were soul mates and that she was happy. She swears they will never drink. All the beatings took place when he was extremely drunk, high or both. He has been diagnosed as mentally ill and was on meds in prison for it, but is not, nor has been on meds for over a year.

How do I handle this. I love her, I will always love her. We were so close, she always said I was her best friend. This last year has been hell. She is not even close to the beautiful young woman that I used to know.

How do I walk away from her? What do I say to her? Was I too rough with the things I said? I was so angry, but I feel guilty today for being so mean to her yesterday.

Help me to understand. Help me to handle this the right way. Tough love, is that what I am doing now. If they drink this weekend, he will probably kill her. He has beaten her so many times prior to the torture and trying to kill her. Detachment, I am trying. I am just sick to my stomach and think I am
going to puke. The sheriff told me they were expecting to work a homicide this weekend.

I want to call her and at least tell her that I love her and always will.
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by rowanthe View Post
I want to call her and at least tell her that I love her and always will.
Yes - this! And leave it at that. And then grit your teeth and hang on for what you already know is going to be a wild, painful ride.

Oh my goodness - my heart goes out to you for your pain and fear, confusion and embarrassment.

But alas, these are her choices to make, not yours. A little part of me, the protective mom part, wants to say kidnap her and take her far, far away for a long, long time! But its her life, her choices. We can only take care of what's ours.

Stay strong!
~T
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:26 AM
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You need that.

I am so, so sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do for her. The only thing you have any control over is how much you know about what is going on. No, you were not too rough on her with the things you said. She needed to hear them, whether or not she takes any of them to heart. She knows you love her, but she is caught in his web of denial that things are as bad as they truly are.

Only you can decide how much more you want to know about all that is happening. It sounds like it is really making you miserable to know, so maybe it would be best just not to know. Going no contact, not taking her calls or listening to her messages will keep you from having to be constantly worrying about her. I know it is hard to do, but you can do it. We're here to help you.
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:39 AM
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I'm so sorry. denial is sure a strong disease. you have to give it to god, and remind yourself of the serenity prayer!:ghug3
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:51 AM
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I'm astounded that his bail wasn't revoked once he pled guilty.

Whatever. I feel for you. Yes, I would tell her that you love her and always will, and leave it at that. I'm glad the children are safe.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more to suggest, other than getting as much support for yourself as you can. I don't remember, have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I think you would benefit greatly from it.

Hugs,
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Old 04-02-2011, 11:40 AM
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As I as reading your replys I just dissolved into tears. I can't hold it together to much longer. I have never felt so scared, sad, angry in my life.

My 80 year old mother went to the emergency room last night. Her blood pressure was really high. They didn't keep her, she is better now. My father is in a wheelchair, and has had alot of mini strokes. He isn't to well or with it anymore. I went to take them lunch today, and make sure she was ok. She asked me how My daughter, her granddaughter was. They don't know much. Some, but not the extent and none of this. It was so hard to try to stay ok, and tell them that she was doing alright. I just couldn't burden them. They love her so much. Then my Mom told me that She had come to her last week and borrowed money. Mom gave it to her. I almost died. I cannot believe that is where she got the money. From her 80 year old grandparents that have barely enough to survive. They are on such a limited income, and she basically stole from them. I didnt say anything. But it is something that I will have to pay back to them. They need it. She is worthless...........

I just don't know what to do or say...
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Old 04-02-2011, 11:50 AM
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I have gone thru alot of the same pain as you, with my daughter...

I am so so sorry...It is the most unbearable feeling in the world..I so understand.

As crazy as it may sound, one day I was driving and I screamed and yelled at God
with all of my Whys, How comes, Im pissed, Im hurt, this isnt fair, what the hell's...

He told me to pull over, I argued back and said NO Im not pulling over on this busy
road. He said, Do it NOW..

I did...

He said, Remember she is my child, you just helped raise her....

The words were clearly spoken

and put "some what" of a PEACE in my heart!
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Old 04-02-2011, 12:05 PM
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Please let go and let this be in the hands of God.
It must be killing you inside to keep involved.
This woman, your child, your blood has a disease called addiction, and she has a mental issue, as well. She has a death wish.

If you have done all that you can to protect her, then you must step aside, and let God do the work of healing or whatever destiny is at play.

This man sounds like a monster. SHe knows this intellectually, but she is clearly sick with abused woman syndrome, addiction, and maybe even stockholm syndrome.

I am sure you have tried everything, but have you considered having her committed? She does not sound well .

Taking money from the grandparents is not a good sign.
Going back to a man who nearly killed her is not a good sign.

I am praying for you to have the strength to release yourself from guilt here, and to release her from your obligation, her from yours. She is no longer present to interact with you authentically.

MAke clear that you support her HEALING and her taking steps to keep herself well and safe. Tell her you cannot keep contact with her unless she takes herself out of his life. This is a boundary.

Men and women, parents, spouses and siblings do this everyday in relation to addicts using drugs or alcohol:

"I will not deal with, speak to, or enable you if you choose to use or put yourself near or use drugs or alcohol, because it will ruin your life, and possibly kill you..."

In this case, you could replace the drugs and alcohol in this sentence with this mans name.

Tell her anything else is out of your reach. Be firm, but loving, and make sure she knows that you support her getting healthy, and being safe, but you will not enable self abuse on any level.

Then, buckle up and take it one day at a time for your own life.

Prayers and support for your heart are going out now. Please be kind to yourself
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Old 04-02-2011, 01:41 PM
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one of these

and I hope you told your parents not to give her money.
ever.

second -
I'm so grateful for SR
that you'vfe had someplace to go.

But more -
I think surrounding yourself with others in recovery
right now
is going to keep you sane.

I'm not as sure as you that
he'll do anything because they rarely do
until their court is over
and they think they've gotten away with
the previous time.
Because they love themselves above all other things
and he's not likely to do anything
to jeopardize his own nasty self


so maybe you can relax a bit for that.

But to have a place to go
in the 'real' world -
with real people face to face

maybe not shield your parents from the reality
that she's going to steal from them if she is given the chance
and they can guard themselves from her.

I'm sorry this is happening
but I'm also grateful you can come here.
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Old 04-02-2011, 01:59 PM
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Please call a DV hotline. They can give you support as well (you don't have to be a victim of it directly so maybe they can at least let you know of a support group or something). That helpless feeling is no doubt the worst part so that is something you can do.

You are a parent first and foremost so do what you have to so that in your heart you have peace.
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Old 04-02-2011, 02:05 PM
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What a painful place to be in ... it is a heartbreaking situation. I agree with Tuffgirl: call to say you love her. But then bow out, because there is nothing you -- or anyone -- can say or do at this point. No one knows what the outcome will be. If you faith in god, it's a good idea to pray. Anyone you can talk to, a pastor/priest or therapist? In order to be there for her you must heal as well, take good care of yourself.

God bless.
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Old 04-02-2011, 04:15 PM
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You have all given me alot of strength today. I really appreciate that. I am trying to hold together. I called to say I love you to her, she told me she loved me and we hung up.

He really has nothing much to lose. She thinks he will turn himself in next Wed for sentencing, and quietly go to prison for the next 18 years. I, and the county attorney see it differently. Why would he do that. I think he is planning on spending the weekend with my daughter, and then will run. I am so afraid that she will go with him. If she does that she is wanted also, for aiding and abetting him to leave the state. They have alerted all the airlines and buses with both of their ID's. They will have to drive if they leave. I don't know if she would go with him, but I can't say anything for sure anymore. She's already given up her children, she doesn't care about her house or business anymore.

What scares me is that if he does disappear, and she is gone too, that the police will not believe that it might be against her will. He did hold her hostage one time for 12 hrs. Locked her in a closet, beat her, wouldn't let her leave. She didn't call the police that time. He is crazy, he would force her to go. If that happened, no one would ever believe her that it was against her will... I would even have a hard time believing it. If they don't get drunk this weekend, if he doesn't beat her, I have a feeling that they won't be in court on Wed.

The next feeling I have is that sometime in the future I will be getting a call that they found a body, and it is my daughters.

My family is a big, close, happy family. We always get together for holidays and birthdays. We have a birthday party for my nephew's 2 year old tomorrow afternoon. She said she would be there. She has missed most of everything this past year. I wonder if this is her way of saying goodbye.

Buffalo066 you said something about her having a death wish. I do believe that is true.

The reason his bail wasn't revoked, is because they screwed up. He was in jail for 5 month without making bail. They really believed that there was no way for him to get out, so they didn't make it a priority to get before the judge to revoke it. They are not happy that they screwed up. Who would have thought that she, the victim, would bail him out. He has nothing or no one else. His family have all left him because he was so abusive with them. They are scared of him. They are all far away. His mother tried to talk to her and tell her how violent and mentally ill he was when she first got with him, but my daughter would not listen.

I Did tell my parents to never loan her money again. I made them promise, and they did. I am so embarrassed that my brother will have to know about this. He loves her, and has tried to be supportative, but this will make him so angry. I will get it back to them somehow. I will tell him after the party is over. Or maybe if there is a chance, if she shows up, I will tell him in front of her. Let her face him, and tell him what she did and why.

I know that I am jumping around and that this post is all jumbled. I do apologize, I just have so many thoughts it is hard to seperate them and make sense of it.
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:49 PM
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Sending you lots and lots of hugs

(I tried to put in 20, but it only let me put in 5 hugs)
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Old 04-02-2011, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by rowanthe View Post
The reason his bail wasn't revoked, is because they screwed up. He was in jail for 5 month without making bail. They really believed that there was no way for him to get out, so they didn't make it a priority to get before the judge to revoke it. They are not happy that they screwed up. Who would have thought that she, the victim, would bail him out.
Um, anybody who has any experience dealing with domestic violence would have thought that. In our court, it's done at the time of the plea. I take it there isn't a "no contact" condition on his bail, either?

It is, and it isn't, "against her will". I don't believe she has a death wish. I think she thinks she can control it--which is a delusion.

If she comes to the party, I wouldn't force her to tell anyone what she did, and why. It won't do any good.

Hang in there--Wednesday is coming.
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:49 PM
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She didn't follow through with the restraining order, so no there isn't. But he cannot have contact with her because she is the victim. They made him sign a paper that he would not see her. But of course they are somewhere out of town in a hotel. The police were watching her for the first 24 hrs, couldn't catch them. They wanted to catch them and rearrest him for violating the terms of his bail, but it didn't happen. They don't have the man power or money to monitor her whereabouts until his sentencing, so they stopped.

It's been a long hard day. I haven't heard anything from her since this morning when I told her that I loved her.
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Old 04-03-2011, 04:35 AM
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Well, the one thing you have on your side is that the police will take any violation seriously. If you find out where they are, you can let the police know and they can check it out.

Hugs,
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
I am sure you have tried everything, but have you considered having her committed? She does not sound well .
this was my first thought. i've had my sister committed on involantary papers and it wasn't that difficult...i got her to go to the ER with me and told them she was sick and talking about killing herself...and they pretty much just handled it from there...she was freaking out and screaming at me but i just signed a statement thingy and they let me leave her. I'm not sure but i think if you tell them about the danger she is putting herself in they would keep her...i'm not sure it would help...it didn't help my sister..but afterwards i felt i had done absolutely everything i possibly could for her and it helped me find peace.

your story made me cry and i'm praying for you and your daughter and granddaughters.

if theres nothing else you can do for her you'll have to accept that. my sister has attempted suicide multiple times. after 10 years of trying to keep her alive at whatever cost to me i now accept that i will NOT be able to prevent her death if thats what she chooses. but i can make sure she always know that i LOVE her.

focus on those granddaughters now. i don't know their ages but i know they need all the love and support you can give them...and being with them may help you too.
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:13 PM
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It really isn't possible to get someone committed when they are not overtly suicidal or in a psychotic state. Just because they are behaving in an irrational, self-destructive way doesn't mean they are committable.

People are ALLOWED to do crazy, self-destructive things. It's heartbreaking for those who love them, though.
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:21 PM
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I am so sorry. You have said all you needed to say, now I would just sit back and let her do what she is going to do because you can't change this. I wouldn't loan her money, but maybe still let her know you are her mother and love her even though this all makes you sick. It does mean a lot to know your mama still loves you.

I hope to God I never fall in "crazy love" again in my life. I'd rather be alone. It is so scary to see how somewhat normal women can go completely nuts over a horrible guy! My mom did it when she was in her 50s, so it's not an age thing. It's like people can become someone you don't even realize anymore!
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:22 PM
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I can't imagine the pain you are going through, and I am truly sorry.

Maybe call a Domestic Violence hot line and ask what they think.

Please do tell her you love her, please do tell her any kind thing you can...
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