losing confidence
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
losing confidence
Hello
I'm new here, I just wanted to get stuff off my chest. My bf is an alcoholic and i'm struggling a bit at the moment, he stays with me for a few days a week and is now blaming me for his drinking. He is banned from the pubs and local shops where he lives, but not where i live (a different town) so he can buy booze when he likes. I am starting to lose my self confidence, Im a sensitive person and life has always been a stuggle for me, but I compensated for my weaknesses by being assertive and projecting an air of confidence, but its diminishing. he also has other issues, past drug addiction (heroin), and self harms. I feel im being scapegoated by him, i try to be supportive but at this point dont know what direction to proceed. my father is an alcoholic, so i experienced the negativity of this as a child. does anyone have any advice?
thanks
I'm new here, I just wanted to get stuff off my chest. My bf is an alcoholic and i'm struggling a bit at the moment, he stays with me for a few days a week and is now blaming me for his drinking. He is banned from the pubs and local shops where he lives, but not where i live (a different town) so he can buy booze when he likes. I am starting to lose my self confidence, Im a sensitive person and life has always been a stuggle for me, but I compensated for my weaknesses by being assertive and projecting an air of confidence, but its diminishing. he also has other issues, past drug addiction (heroin), and self harms. I feel im being scapegoated by him, i try to be supportive but at this point dont know what direction to proceed. my father is an alcoholic, so i experienced the negativity of this as a child. does anyone have any advice?
thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Welcome Newt! Glad to have you here.
Many will say this to you:
You don't cause him to drink
You can't control his drinking
You can't cure him.
He is a grown man, and his choices are his own.
What are you getting out of this relationship with him?
I would also invite you to an Al-Anon meeting, where others who are affected by someone's drinking/addiction go for help, support, and understanding. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic, and it has changed my life, realizing why I pick the men I pick, and why I am so miserable all the time. Low self esteem, hiding behind a fake smile, all of it. Been there done that.
Read some of the other stories on here, and you'll realize what you are up against if you stay in a relationship with this man. There are "stickies" at the top of the forum, and there are some great stories in there, great guidance.
Keep coming back, hugs to you!
Many will say this to you:
You don't cause him to drink
You can't control his drinking
You can't cure him.
He is a grown man, and his choices are his own.
What are you getting out of this relationship with him?
I would also invite you to an Al-Anon meeting, where others who are affected by someone's drinking/addiction go for help, support, and understanding. I am also an adult child of an alcoholic, and it has changed my life, realizing why I pick the men I pick, and why I am so miserable all the time. Low self esteem, hiding behind a fake smile, all of it. Been there done that.
Read some of the other stories on here, and you'll realize what you are up against if you stay in a relationship with this man. There are "stickies" at the top of the forum, and there are some great stories in there, great guidance.
Keep coming back, hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Welcome here!
Please read over many threads here.
Scapegoating is one of the main coping mechanisms alcoholics use to keep themselves from feeling the pain over their own actions.
U are not nuts. He probably is doing those things, and only you can remove yourself from the dynamic.
I am sorry you feel like you are losing your sense of self.
It can get stronger again.
Please look up alanon in your town, and go to the top of this forum page and read all of the stickies.
In this case, and at this stage ,knowledge is your power!
Keep posting!
Please read over many threads here.
Scapegoating is one of the main coping mechanisms alcoholics use to keep themselves from feeling the pain over their own actions.
U are not nuts. He probably is doing those things, and only you can remove yourself from the dynamic.
I am sorry you feel like you are losing your sense of self.
It can get stronger again.
Please look up alanon in your town, and go to the top of this forum page and read all of the stickies.
In this case, and at this stage ,knowledge is your power!
Keep posting!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
keep reading....there is so much to learn and re learn and practise...your in the rite place
and the best is AL ANON....please find one, your an adult child of an A and you now have a A as a boyfriend....
and welcome
and the best is AL ANON....please find one, your an adult child of an A and you now have a A as a boyfriend....
and welcome
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have nothing to add except that you aren't alone, and you aren't the only one who has experienced the insanity that is alcoholism & addiction. Welcome and keep reading/coming back. It's great to know there is a place to go for support and advice as you muddle your way through this.
~T
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Active alcoholics and drug addicts are toxic people (this coming from an alcoholic with 19 years of recovery). There is ONLY one thing you can do: get him quickly out of your life and cut off all contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 4
thanks for the advice, im working on regaining my confidence, I realise i need to concentrate on my own life rather than allowing him to consume me with his negativity, and change my attitude to the situation that i have willingly allowed into my life
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi newt
We like a book called "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty, hope you can get a copy.
I had a bf like that, who also used to cut himself.
Our only responsability is with ourselves.
3 Cs
Can't cure them
Didn't cause this
Can't control them
You allow this in your life, you can choose not to allow it anymore. Its all your choice...
You are not alone, we get you! keep reading and posting... this is a great site, lots of wisdom, hope, experience and compassion.
We like a book called "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty, hope you can get a copy.
I had a bf like that, who also used to cut himself.
Our only responsability is with ourselves.
3 Cs
Can't cure them
Didn't cause this
Can't control them
You allow this in your life, you can choose not to allow it anymore. Its all your choice...
You are not alone, we get you! keep reading and posting... this is a great site, lots of wisdom, hope, experience and compassion.
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