enabling backlash: learning the hard way

Old 04-01-2011, 08:24 AM
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enabling backlash: learning the hard way

What a messy last week.

Long story shortand still pretty darn long_)

Back before my RAH went into rehab, we had one vehicle. Mine was in the shop with repairs that I could not afford, and A was on a bender of epic proportions. He was not working, and was couch surfing.
He offered me to use his van, so I could drive son where necessary, and get to work. I went and picked the van up, and drove son to MIL, then went to work. I was stopped by the police at a detour, for a bad inspection sticker. The cop was a real jerk, and ended up citing me 3x, one for a registration lapse that was nonexixtent. The registration was good.

The cop seized the vehicle for bad reg, against my insistence that it was legal...wrote me the 3 citations, and said the vehicle owner would not be in any trouble.
I was unaware of the van being illegal. I just assumed, whatever. My bad, the van had been sitting in a bar parking lot for 3 weeks...when I started to drive it. I was maybe selectively in denial, since I could NOT lose my job at that moment.

After 2 weeks, A had decided to ease himself off of alcohol, and go to rehab. He had just entered the facility when I got, in the mail, 3 more citations. They were for HIM. Apparently, the cop, or magistrate changed their mind, and decided to charge A with the offenses, even though he was not even present. big mess.

Anyway, here is where I may have committed my final act of alcoholic enabling, which has come to bite us all in the butt in a big way.

I was so thrilled that A was getting sober, and I felt responsible for being the one driving the car, that I just went ahead and paid the 3 citations with As name on them, leaving mine to be paid on a payment plan.

Obviously, the cop was overzealous, (and I made a complaint), had left my 5 year old and me on the side of the road, in the night...not to mention the one ticket was for a bad reg, but the reg was good. He did not care. (He was having a bad day?!)

I paid As tickets off, thinking, he doesnt need this mess when he comes out. I did not want to fight the tickets. I just paid them, and did not think he would suffer anymore trouble over it. His van had been seized, for Gods sake, and I had been driving it.

Last week, RAH, who now has a job, is sober, and is trying to do "everything right" as far as life responsibility stuff goes, (we wont talk about emotionally, mentally, family, just yet), was pulled over for a routine traffic check.

He was then informed that he was driving with a suspended license, and that it was due to his pleading guilty by paying these 3 citations regarding the reg, back last fall. They SEIZED HIS CAR, and plate. He got the car out of the impound, but the license had been sent to the state.

He was shocked. He had known that his van was seized,back then, that I had recieved tix, but I had just told him that I paid everything, not to stress about anything. He did not know anything else...

His job requires that he drive everyday, to jobsites, and to sales calls.
I thought I was doing the right thing paying his citations, but by doing just that, I inadvertently plead guilty on his behalf, thereby losing him his driving privelege for 3 months, which never went into effect because he did not know about it and did not surrender his license.

MAn, was he pissed.
Wow, I really took a big hit in the verbal abuse department. I was in the wrong, had made a major mistake....I thought I was being helpful.
He, of course took the entire day or so to chastise me, burn me down.
You know, in that A way, where they can make all the mistakes in the world, but, God forbid should you misstep.

So, thats my story on how trying to soften the blow for my RAH bit me and him in the a**. He has to appeal the conviction, and try to expedite the ruling...to prove to the judge that the entire charge was false, since the reg was good. He has almost lost his job over it.

Because I was in the drivers seat, so to speak, I did not take the liberty of reminding him that it was HIS vehicle that was illegal, HIS lack of income that had us down to one car, HIS alcoholism that lead him to let all those things get so messy. I just took responsibility for my part and stayed quiet for the most part, while I drove him all over town, desperately tring to correct the massive snarl.

What should I have done> Given him the citations right outta rehab, let him deal with them. Kept clear about my part in the problem, and his part.

All in all, he took it pretty well in stride, and is dealing with the situation relatively calmly, now. He did threaten that this "might be the thing that sends me back into drinking..." BUt he did not drink. He is now driving the company car on an occupational limited license while the court decides whether to overturn the conviction for a bad reg. He has had to get off work early for 3 days this week to go to court, to AAA, trying to undo the mess.

I feel like a teenager for handling the tix so poorly, for trying to cover up a mess for him.

I feel bad, and I know its his responsiblity, and it was my lapse in judgement, but all I can think of is how much ammo this gives him to burn me down with.

I have really been trying to keep my side of the street as clear as possible.

oops. grrrr.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:35 AM
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Its amazing how we so easily convince ourselves that we are helping, and making things easier, when in actuality we are just getting in the way of them suffering for the consequences of their own actions.

Should have, could have, would have, is not going to get anyone anywhere. You know as well as he does that if he had taken care of things, none of this would have happened, in so many ways. Trying to make him see that is useless, like you said. He sees it the way he wants to see it, and that is using you as a scapegoat for his ****ups. Him acting like a baby about the whole thing, and not assuming any responsibility is typical of an A.

I wouldn't be surprised if he uses the whole thing as an excuse to start drinking again, all the while blaming it all on you.

You did the best you could in the situation. Please don't beat yourself up for it!
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
MAn, was he pissed.
Wow, I really took a big hit in the verbal abuse department. I was in the wrong, had made a major mistake....I thought I was being helpful.
He, of course took the entire day or so to chastise me, burn me down.
You know, in that A way, where they can make all the mistakes in the world, but, God forbid should you misstep.

I feel like a teenager for handling the tix so poorly, for trying to cover up a mess for him.

I feel bad, and I know its his responsiblity, and it was my lapse in judgement, but all I can think of is how much ammo this gives him to burn me down with.

I have really been trying to keep my side of the street as clear as possible.

oops. grrrr.
You know - I've recently experienced this - being completely shredded up one side and down the other for an oversight, and on top of that financially punished for it like I was some sort of child. It was really mean and cruel. And you know what? I am not putting up with that **** anymore. Because its not right to do that to another person, let alone someone you love.

Yes, you did enable, but you were trying to do the right thing. Yes, you made a mistake. One "I'm sorry and won't do that again" should suffice. What is it about these alcoholics to absolutely rake us over the coals?! Especially since THEY DON"T LIKE IT WHEN WE DO IT TO THEM!!!

Ok, stepping off my soap box now. You did the best you could with a confusing situation. Hang in there!

~T
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Old 04-02-2011, 02:48 AM
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and how is he not responsible for creating this situation? he handed you a car to drive which was not legal and did not inform you.
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Old 04-02-2011, 07:08 AM
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he is responsible for that...
my bust was paying the tickets and thinking it would all go away, since he was in treatment.

should have treated him as any other adult person, and given him the tix after rehab.

i was on a pre pink cloud, lol..
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Old 04-02-2011, 08:39 AM
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OK, people make mistakes. Give you, and him, credit for both TRYING right now.

It's all going to work out OK. Don't need to beat either one of you up. Let it go, water under the bridge. Nobody meant for anything bad to happen. He's taking care of it now, he didn't drink over it.

I totally "get" that feeling that some disaster will "make" you drink. It's how you feel when you are first sober--you aren't used to responding any other way than panicking, getting angry, and drinking those feelings away. On my fourth day sober I had a sewer back up into my basement, COMPLETELY flooding it. I was freaking out, and at 10:30 at night my neighbor who had been slogging through the sewage with me trying to figure out where the water was coming from showed up at my front door with a cold beer, figuring I "could use this." Believe me, there was a long pause before I thanked her and said, no, I'm just going to bed.

It's learning to deal with these crappy little life problems sober that is tough in the beginning. I'll tell you, though, after that incident my confidence that it WOULD be possible to stay sober went WAY up.

You did the best you could, at the time, and he's doing the best he can, right now, it sounds like. No, he shouldn't have blamed you, but we don't get all better all at once. Sounds like he is trying to put things in perspective.

Hugs,
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Old 04-02-2011, 08:55 AM
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all true, lexie, thanks
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