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Please help...I don't know what to do

Old 03-31-2011, 05:25 PM
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Unhappy Please help...I don't know what to do

Hi everyone. I'm here asking for advice/help/support. My husband is an alcoholic/addict. We need help (him more so). I don't know where to turn or what to do. He is wanting help, but we have no insurance and no money. He started out his downward spiral by taking pain pill (hydrocodone). I was oblivious and had no idea how out of control he was. We opened a bar in May 2008 and did well for a while, but eventually the business failed due to his drug abuse. I always wondered where the money went, but he was always untruthful with me, so it was beyond my control I guess. I have anxiety/depression issues so I have always relied on him. He has controlled the money so I never asked any questions. Anyway, so he finally confessed to his pain pill addiction when the business failed. He told me he would stop the pain pills, and I figured he did. Boy was I wrong. Anyway, his mother ended up moving in with us. This wasn't the greatest idea. She had no where to go. He ended up starting to abuse alcohol last summer, and it got way out of control. I knew he was becoming addicted but did not know what to do. Finally this past October, when his mother and my money went missing..we found out (he confessed) that he had been on a 2 week crack binge. My heart sank. I went into a deep depression and tried to get him help. We got him into a detox facility and he ended up coaxing me and his mom to come get him. We did. Brought him home and he started drinking again. He ended up back to detox, got us to come get him again. Anyway, all in all he went to detox/rehab a total of 3 times I think..each time leaving. Well anyway, we got counseling for him. He got put on anti-depressants and valium (which I believe he abuses as well). He also got put on Campral and quit drinking on February 11th...BUT he started using pain pills again, and upon trying to get off of the pain pills..he went back to crack..sigh. He lies to me, takes money from my purse, has stolen, and finally his mother got enough and moved out. I love this man. I have been with him since we were 17 years old. We married at 20. I know he use to be normal, but now I don't even know him. I'm sad, hurt, confused, and need help to get him help. The thing is, I can not stay home alone, or be anywhere alone due to my agoraphobia and we have 2 old house dogs, so he won't go into rehab. He goes to try to get a job in the morning, but I'm not sure he can even hold down a job. He has lost his dad (when he was only 8 years old), and his step-dad died in 2006. I feel he may have some mental issues, and is trying to self medicate..I don't know. We need help. Please, can anyone tell me what to do? The counselor he sees just medicates him..doesn't talk to him, and we have no money or insurance..he can't get a medical card either. I'm at a loss.
I'm sorry this is so long. I pray to God someone sees this that can help. Thank you.
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Old 03-31-2011, 05:37 PM
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Hi Japabp2000,

You have come to the right place for help, I can tell you that. I am sorry that I dont have many words of wisdom. I do know that until he wants help, he wont stop abusing drugs/alcohol. There are places that do not cost , I believe that Salvation Army has a program, which is free, under certain conditions.

As much as you want to help him, he must really want to help his self. You can only help you. Which is the best thing for everyone involved.
I am sorry that this is happening. Please stick around, and someone who can be of help will be along.
is there any way that you can get to alanon, considering your anxiety? actually, this is a great place to learn too, and you can be part of a group, without the actual face to face.

welcome to a great place. hang in there, and focus on what will help you right now.

hugs
chicory
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Old 03-31-2011, 06:08 PM
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Hello Chicory,
Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it greatly. He wants help, but he doesn't know how to get help and neither do I. We live in a very small community and so a lot of places are far away, and with gas prices and being broke, we can't get many places. He also worries about me constantly so if he went to rehab he wouldn't focus on anything but me..I guess him and I both have co-dependency issues? I can't drive or stay alone due to my anxiety/agoraphobia. I am on disability because of it. I have put myself on the back burner because I just want him better. I'm at a loss. Thanks again for your reply.
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:18 PM
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(((Japabp))) - welcome to SR!! Most of us come here wanting help for our A's (addicts/alcoholics) but find out the only person we can help is ourselves. I'm both a codependent and a recovering addict (RA) from crack.

I can tell you that if he's abusing crack, you never WILL have any money. Anything that can be sold, will be. My XABF (ex addict boyfriend) sold everything in my entire house, the first time I was in jail...down to the vacuum cleaner.

He's not going to quit until he wants it more than anything else. Most of us A's don't quit until we face a lot of consequences..mine involved losing a nursing career, becoming homeless, and being in jail.

I understand you can't go to a meeting with the agoraphobia, but there are a lot of compassionate, wonderful people here who have some great ES&H (experience, strength and hope) in dealing with an A.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-31-2011, 07:27 PM
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Well, kick him out, invite MIL back in.

There is help for him. Salvation Army has a program that really is quite good and is free. Until he leaves, lock up, hide, remove from the house anything of value or it will be gone.

IF he truly wants help, he will find a way to Salvation Army, be it one in Kentucky, Kansas, or Springfield or all the way up in Chicago. If he doesn't, he will just continue using if he is not ready. If he is out of the home, then MIL can move back in and you won't be alone.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-31-2011, 08:46 PM
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Hi Impurrrfect, thank you for your reply. I greatly appreciate it. I'm so sorry what you have been through. He is currently not doing crack thank God. He did sell everything he had when he was on it though..tools that belonged to his father, rings, so many things. He's drinking as we speak to "try to get off of hydros"...sigh. I get pissed at him, he get's pissed at me, and we just sit here. I just keep praying. I don't want to lose him.
Hi Laurie..Oh his mother. Well, she left on really bad terms. She told her family that I abused her..if you only knew me you'd understand how incredibly ridiculous this is. Her brother and his wife came to get her from Arkansas. Her brother yelled at me, so did his wife..so needless to say I'm pretty hurt by that. I have never done anything but good to her/for her..but eh, good things usually go unnoticed I guess. She is currently in ICU down there for congestive heart failure, COPD, and whatever else. I pray that she pulls through. I do love her, but do not want her living with us. So it's really a blessing that she moved. She treated my husband like he was still 5 years old. Yelled at him, belittled him, you get the idea. But I won't kick him out..he has threatened suicide and Lord knows if he was truly alone what he might do. He does want help, but the problem is that we just don't know how. Tomorrow he goes for a job interview, and he thinks that will help him..he HAS to have a job, but he also needs help. Kind of a rock in a hard place situation. I will definitely look into Salvation Army though. The closest one is about an hour away and it is in a different state..but I will see what I can find out. Thank you all very much for your replies. (((((Hugs)))))
-Aimee
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:59 PM
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I will definitely look into Salvation Army though.
NO

Let him look into Salvation Army, not you. This is HIS RESPONSIBILITY, HIS ADDICTION.

Enabling is described as doing for someone something they can do for themselves. He is an adult, albeit and an A but still an adult and can do this for himself.

I am sorry you MIL is out of the picture, but because you have this condition, your DR can prescribe 'help' for you, should he go to rehab, so that you are not alone all the time.

Instead, of you looking into Salvation Army, you come here, and you search for AlAnon meetings on line for YOU.

Sweetie, you

didn't CAUSE this

can't CONTROL this

can't CURE this.

It is all on HIM.

Now, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:51 AM
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hi and welcome-

what comes to mind is that AA, NA and alaon are free. AA and NA for him and alanon for you.

regarding the agrophobia, if you can't be alone then you could perhaps find a meeting place that holds both meetings at the same hour. if not, you could always travel together to the meeting and the one not in attendance wait in the hallway or in the car or take a nice stroll about the neighborhood.

NA is for his pill use. AA is for his alcoholism. and alanon is for you, to get some support during this difficult time in your life. it's not appropriate for you to attend his meetings nor he attend yours. i feel this because both of you need to have a private, held-space made up of others who have similar experiences.

if you can't do it that way, there is always alanon on line for you, plus the resources here.

the salvation army is free, live-in detox, that is my understanding anyway.

any chance for weekly counseling with a psychologist/counselor through your insurance for you? i found counseling helped me to rediscover myself.

for him, there is no point in counseling right now, as he is still using. in my opinion, the drugs and alcohol must be removed first, before counseling can begin to be effective.
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Old 04-01-2011, 11:28 PM
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Laurie, thank you sweetie. You are very right..it is his responsibility to get sober. I am an enabler and I guess I'm just so use to helping him that I forget that it only makes him think it's "ok". He got so incredibly drunk last night (well, Thursday night). He hadn't done that in a while due to the Campral. He was actually doing good, but he says this is his way of "getting off of the pills"
He does have a job prospect, so that is a good thing..I think?? He definitely needs a job. We have to have money coming in. My tiny amount a month is barely enough to cover the electric bill. He seems to think this job will help him keep his mind off of the drugs/alcohol. I hope, but I hear the "I will never do drugs or drink again" speech so much ya know.
He wants to start NA and AA meetings this week. I will go to my Mom's while he goes. The good thing about the job if he gets it *fingers crossed that he does* is that it is day shift so he can attend the meetings still. I will see about Al Anon..my Mother would take me if anything else. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the replies and support!! Lots of Hugs.
-Aimee
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Old 04-02-2011, 12:18 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find support and information here to help you, Aimee.

Your A is using anti-depressants while drinking alcohol. Those two don't mix. Alcohol is a depressant. The pills will intensify the alcohol effects. (there will be a warning label on the bottle)

Some of our stories are in the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the forum pages. I am always finding wisdom from the shared experiences in those posts. Here is one of my favorite:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 04-02-2011, 01:20 AM
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Hello Aimee,

As you have already read, your going to get lot's of support here and options for help and alot of flowery flowers if that's what you want. I'm going to get a little more down to the point. How easy do you want this to be. Your crack-head, irresponsible, exempt from responsiblity, because he loves his buzz, husband has no excuse to be jeopardizing his and your entire life. Sorry I am not going to be nice about it.
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by japabp2000 View Post
I just keep praying. I don't want to lose him.
Isn't it so sad that we dont want to lose something that is causing so much pain to us?

I hope things work out for you and that he gets sober and off those pills, my bf has an addiction to codeine aswell as booze, so i understand what you are going through. hugs to you
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:29 AM
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*sneeks in*...welcome to a wonderful group the SR group...we know what you are feeling...al anon has help me a great deal with my A's in my life...and the NA

take care of you....
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Old 04-03-2011, 02:53 AM
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Well, after a drunken night (him..not me..I will NEVER drink again..lol) I'm exhausted. He seems to be on a "binge". He hasn't drank this much in a while. I can threaten to leave all day long and it go unnoticed. I am learning that threats don't work. Not much of anything works. He still trying to convince me that he is drinking again to help him with the withdrawals of getting off the the pills. He has a job interview Monday morning. I sooo hope he get that job. Will you guys please pray he get's it? We have to have money..we just can't make it without him working. I try so hard not to enable him, but have done it for so long it's a hard thing to break. I told him "no" today when he asked for a couple of bucks. He got pissed and yanked the keys out of the ignition (we were parked at the grocery store), and told me we would sit there all night if we had to unless I gave him the money. I gave in. I keep beating myself up over it. I don't know what to do, but am still learning. You guys are so much help. I appreciate each and every one of the replies..even the replies that may seem harsh. My big question is...and I know that no one can really answer this, but...is there any chance of him getting better? I'm so worried that he will just get worse. He keeps telling me he will get better, but I always have that in the back of my mind. Well, my post is probably not making any sense. I have been up way too long. Guess I should go to bed. Thanks again you all.
Blessings and Hugs
-Aimee
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Old 04-03-2011, 03:27 AM
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Welcome Aimee!
Have you read the "sticky" section on the top part of the forum?
Here there is one thread about potential:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
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Old 04-03-2011, 03:38 AM
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Bless your heart, you are in a horrible situation.

Are you a reader? I am a big fan of The New Codependency by Melodie Beattie. It has helped me a great deal.

Please keep posting!
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Old 04-03-2011, 05:03 AM
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Oh my Aimee, bless you girl. There's a reason God hates sin.It just hurts his beloved so bad. I'm going to say everything is going to be alright, because I know prayer does work and I am praying for you and I know God listens to the prayers of genuine hearts. Your husband is just not right. He can ruin his own life if that's it, but taking you with him is just not acceptable. I not sure what you want to do right now, but you will be getting an answer soon from your own heart. Listen to it. Don't be afraid to change. Scary world but we all live in it. Do what's best for you right now
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Old 04-03-2011, 05:09 AM
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He WILL get worse, until he DECIDES to get better. And "better" means no drinking at ALL. And no crack, no pain pills.

He doesn't seem to want to stop.

I don't think the job will help much--can you see him STAYING employed for long?

I am sorry to sound so negative, but you are not in a hopeful situation as long as you are with someone who is actively drinking and using drugs.

My suggestion is that you hook up with someone who can work with you on your agoraphobia so you don't have to stay trapped in this nightmare. It isn't helping YOUR mental condition, that's for sure.

There is little or nothing you can do that will "help" him until he decides he really wants to be well. And right now there are no indications he wants that.

You need to focus on getting yourself into a healthy place. Anything you do that is focused on him is a waste of time and energy you could be using on yourself.
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:53 AM
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Originally Posted by japabp2000 View Post
My big question is...is there any chance of him getting better? I'm so worried that he will just get worse.
What evidence do you have that things will get better?
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:27 PM
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I got up at 7 this evening. He's drunk. I feel helpless and alone. He is blaming me for everything. I need to get away but am scared he will kill himself. I can't do this. I need help.
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