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Please help...I don't know what to do

Old 04-03-2011, 08:41 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Can you go to your Mother's house or somewhere else to stay? Some distance might help you figure out what the next step needs to be.

You can't fix him.

Why are you afraid he will kill himself?....Did he say he would? If so, you can call 911 and tell them what he said and maybe he will get sent to inpatient psych for at least a 72 hour hold involuntarily.
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Old 04-03-2011, 09:49 PM
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He HAS to blame you for everything. The only other person to blame is himself, and active addicts will never do that. But you are not responsible for anything that he is doing, and you are definitely not responsible if he decides to kill himself.

Didn't he just say less than 48 hours ago that he wants to start going to meetings next week?

Many addicts (including the one I just left) dangle the suicide card when they feel really desperate. They know how attached we are, and how much we care, and know it's a great way to get attention and keep us on a short leash. Not trying to minimize the situation, just sharing my experience. Also, in my experience, when people contemplate suicide, it means they don't care if they live or die. This puts you in a very dangerous position, because if he doesn't value his own life, then he has no reason to value yours. Suicide is a threat of violence in my mind. It's far too common in the news today to hear of someone who takes another life before they take their own. Your safety should come first, not his. Is it really safe to be staying with this man in this condition?

Imagine you have a sister that you love very much. Your sister calls you, and tells you all these things her husband is doing. Demanding money for drugs and painkillers, even though she can barely pay the electric bill. No job. Drunk and verbally abusive on a regular basis. Lies and steals from her for drugs and booze, even though they are barely getting by as it is. What would you say to your sister?

Now say that same thing to yourself. You deserve better girl.

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Old 04-03-2011, 11:46 PM
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I would love to respond to each one of you individually but my energy level is at a -0 right now. I'm sorry. I hope you all forgive me for that. He has tried to kill himself before...well, I say that but what happened was him taking a knife to his throat and acting like he was going to slit it (he was drunk naturally). I called 911 while his mother bitched me out. Cops came and took him to a crisis place. About 2 hours later the cop brings him back home and a woman from the center that he was taken to came here too. They said that the mental facility had no beds available and they asked me to sign a "no suicide" slip. I had to "watch" him for 48 hours according to the slip. So, I did. That was a hell of a day. Most days are like that anymore. I assume he is just saying he will kill himself. I don't feel unsafe around him really, I just feel numb anymore. I am going to look at the stickies and search around for good books to read on this. As for leaving, I definitely want to go, but I don't want to. I keep holding on to hope and I keep praying. He has the job interview tomorrow morning, and I keep thinking that will possibly help, but I know in the back of my mind that it won't. You all are a God send. I'm so sorry for anyone who goes through this..it just isn't fair at all, but I know we are not promised an easy life. Oh, and I do have a place to go, but I just don't want to drag my mom and dad in the middle of this...it's not fair to them. I try my hardest to stay silent about it all, but it's not easy to do. I'm rambling again, my mind feels like a bowl of jello. **Hugs** to everyone and God bless each of you.
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Old 04-03-2011, 11:47 PM
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Aimee, Your asking for advise when you already know what to do. How long has this been going on? Is this man really ever going to change? And if so, how and when is it going to happen? Are you going to be the one to do it? If so how? What do you think will open his eyes. Losing you maybe? Is there any glimmer of hope in him to live life or is death his final wish. Because that's coming anyways to all of us. Does he want to live while alive? Pay the electric bill. Maybe he's having a rough go getting a job. Only you know. But from what your saying, what little money you have he's using it, using. Show a little backbone here. Especially him. Enough of this nonsense!

I'm not so sure these are questions to ask him. I believe any push on him will send him overboard. Especially you leaving. Has he ever hit you?

Because if he has, My advise right or wrong is put on your sneakers, pack your bag and head straight to the Georgia border line. Dead run, no stopping,no looking back. Still hoping the best for you.

You can't help those who won't help themselves- Dee 74
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Old 04-04-2011, 12:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Ollie909 View Post
Aimee, Your asking for advise when you already know what to do. How long has this been going on? Is this man really ever going to change? And if so, how and when is it going to happen? Are you going to be the one to do it? If so how? What do you think will open his eyes. Losing you maybe? Is there any glimmer of hope in him to live life or is death his final wish. Because that's coming anyways to all of us. Does he want to live while alive? Pay the electric bill. Maybe he's having a rough go getting a job. Only you know. But from what your saying, what little money you have he's using it, using. Show a little backbone here. Especially him. Enough of this nonsense!

I'm not so sure these are questions to ask him. I believe any push on him will send him overboard. Especially you leaving. Has he ever hit you?

Because if he has, My advise right or wrong is put on your sneakers, pack your bag and head straight to the Georgia border line. Dead run, no stopping,no looking back. Still hoping the best for you.

You can't help those who won't help themselves- Dee 74
Hi Dee, and thank you. You're right, I really do know what to do, but I just have something keeping me from leaving. I keep holding on to the hope that he will get better, and that he wants to get better I guess. His addiction to pain pills started around 2006 from what I understand. In 2008 we purchased a night club from my uncle and from there it was all down hill really. He did not drink what so ever up until last summer. He started hanging around a group of people that I was not very fond of due to their reputation. I expressed my concerns to my husband and he told me that he just wanted some friends and I should know that he would never do anything "stupid". Then the next thing I know, he was drinking like a fish, lying to me, and going behind my back doing things. He was absolutely never like that before. He was always such a caring and loving guy. I've been with him since I was 17 and we married at 20 years old. So I know that this isn't him, but I guess addiction/alcoholism knows no boundaries. Last October is when he confessed to smoking crack, and just last night he told me that in rehab he snorted heroin with his room mate. It seems like when his step-dad died he just went off the deep end. As far as him hitting me, he has never even acted like he was going to. He is such a great person sober, but I assume everyone is. We lost the bar due to his pain pill addiction because he was spending hundreds of dollars a day on the pills..I learned that after the fact. I have always been so naive that I never realized there was a problem. Anyway, I'm sorry my posts and replies are always novels..lol I just have so much to tell. I'm just looking for reassurance and know I have found it here. I have a lot of thinking to do..isn't there a song called "Should I stay or Should I go"?
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Old 04-04-2011, 01:41 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Haven't tried this before - here goes!

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Old 04-04-2011, 05:02 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by laurie6781 View Post
Well, kick him out, invite MIL back in.

There is help for him. Salvation Army has a program that really is quite good and is free. Until he leaves, lock up, hide, remove from the house anything of value or it will be gone.

IF he truly wants help, he will find a way to Salvation Army, be it one in Kentucky, Kansas, or Springfield or all the way up in Chicago. If he doesn't, he will just continue using if he is not ready. If he is out of the home, then MIL can move back in and you won't be alone.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
Couldnt agree more with this post - have been there myself and not seen any way out but there ARE steps you can take. My husband was pretty much in the same boat 12 months ago but i was able to save both our sanity and our marriage thanks to a lot of hard work. I think its all too easy to think only in terms of the problems of the addicted person themselves and not about the constant worrying, grief and anxiety caused to partners and families at the same time, often over many years.

A friend of mine recommended a great self help guide devised by an experienced Swedish life coach (if - like me - your Swedish isnt up to much, the site is translated into English!) which you can work through and fill in. I found some of the exercises really useful and it helped me to realise that life is too short to waste, husband or no husband. I'd definitely recommend it. Its available here;

codependencyinfo.com/codependency.html
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Old 04-04-2011, 08:11 AM
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The agoraphobia makes this all a bit more difficult. You would probably be able to get a restraining order to get him out of the house. This may sound harsh, but you are not thinking clearly while he is there with you. For a restaining order, you'd have to go to family court and fill out some papers.
Cook County Circuit Court info on Domestic Violence
Here's a women's service that will provide you with legal services]Chicago Order of Protection Project. Maybe they'll even come to your house to help you.
I know it seems drastic, but you are not thinking clearly right now. You have to get him out of the house, at least for a little, if only to get some sleep. After that, you should be able to figure out what to do. Call one of those phone numbers and do yourself a favor!
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Old 04-04-2011, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by honeybee75 View Post
My husband was pretty much in the same boat 12 months ago but i was able to save both our sanity and our marriage thanks to a lot of hard work.
Honeybee:
This is what I got out of your post.
Saying that YOU were able to save your husband's and your sanity, and that you single handedly saved your marriage is very hard to believe. I may be the only one to say this, but that sounds like fantasy land to me. It takes two to make a relationship work, not "alot of hard work" from one of them, and stealing, lying, and manipulating from the other.

I know how detrimental it would have been to me if, when i was in this situation 2 months ago, someone said to me, "you can save everything, if you just work harder". I spent months saying that to myself, and it drove me to insanity, depression, and a feeling of devastatingly low self worth, because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't save him, or our relationship. (I decided to save myself, but that's another story.)

Maybe through your alanon work and detachment your husband realized he needed help, or maybe you were able to convince him that he needed to get in recovery and then he realized it was what he wanted as well; both of those scenarios would be great. Or maybe your definition of a happy/saved marriage is different, i don't know, you didn't go into much detail here. I would love to know more of your story, and how you were able to save both him, yourself, and the marriage.

Or maybe you meant to type 'we were able to save our marriage'. Please explain you story so I can better understand.

Last edited by kittykitty; 04-04-2011 at 09:47 AM. Reason: mispelling
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Old 04-04-2011, 11:00 PM
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Hello Aimee again. How is everything today? This forum seems to be dwindling between you and I. That's ok. Most probably don't know what to add without just being redundant. By the way I'm not Dee 74. That was a quote I borrowed that's so true." We simply can't help those who won't help themselves." He's one the moderators here, who knows.

I'm relating to you so much because my situation is similar. The shoes on the other foot so to speak. A little different but the same. She is just a wonderful person and we've been together a long time. She has developed this drinking issue, that is dangerous. It's on her day off which happens on Monday while I'm working. What she does is get her buzz going, get in her car and drive to visit her friend's who work or own bars. Luckily I've been able to get there before she attempts to drive home, claiming she just fine to drive home.

I know what you mean. I just can't up and leave because I care and she really is a great person . Get's so frustrating what to do?? She's just not willing to change this.
Believes she deserves this day after working all week.

Just thought I'd add my 2 cents of understanding. Going to be alright.
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Old 04-04-2011, 11:33 PM
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Thanks for the video Bookwyrm. I can't view it sadly, at least not on my computer cause I'm still on dial up. Blah. But at least I have internet so I'm not going to complain too much.

Honeybee, thank you for your reply. I feel like my MIL added to my husbands addiction..she is..well..lets just say a very hateful and untruthful person. I'm glad she moved out. I hate that she is currently in critical care due to her health issues, but I am glad she moved out. I am also interested in knowing what you did to save your marriage. I will check out the codependency website. Thank you for sharing that!

Ollie, I'm so sorry I called you Dee..I'm not thinking right indeed. Today has been horrible. He took his welding test this morning, and failed. He is a very good welder...well, used to be. I guess the drugs and alcohol really screwed that up, along with a host of other things. So, he got him a pint and a beer (that's what he said he had, but who really knows)..and all hell broke loose this afternoon. It was awful. He started the blame game again, only more intense, and then he started talking off the wall crazy ****. I don't know, but I have a feeling he did more than just drink. So, I called his Aunt who he listens to, and she talked to him, calmed him down, and told him to get his ass in rehab. Well, I took him to the emergency room to see if they could do a psychiatric evaluation on him. I was hoping they would admit him into the psych ward, but needless to say they sent us home. He has agreed to go to rehab..and the one I'm going to call in the morning is 3 hours away. This one is a medical rehab place, where they (to my understanding) will treat him medically. Keeping my fingers crossed! It sucks so bad that you are in a similar situation. It hurts seeing the one you love destroy themselves. Many big hugs and blessings!!
-Aimee
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:33 AM
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If he can quit alcohol...
you can quit agoraphobia.

Now you can tell me off--
but this is you hurting you, just like an alcoholic.

It's tough love at best...free yourself of it.

Yes...you can! Just like he can. You have to, as we hear from the recovering alcoholics--you have to want it bad enough.

Think of the choices, the endless possibilities, awaiting you if you were free.
Just as there would be for a recovering alcoholic.

Each of us must face our own demons.
I'm working on mine...setbacks or outright failure some days, but progress is good enough, perfection isn't needed.
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Old 04-05-2011, 01:03 AM
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Hi japabp2000 - I just read this whole thread.

I know that moving to my 80-year-old father's place several states away would not be my first choice. My first choice would be for my AH to work the recovery program. But if he didn't...while at the same time, treating me badly, and putting me in a position where I could lose my home, my 80-year-old father would want to help me and would not want me to hold out on him while I suffered needlessly. And I would be better off there. It would matter most that I feel safe and loved, no matter how "bad it looks" culturally.

I would be grateful for the opportunity to gain some perspective on the situation by not having it in my face every day to the point where I was in constant anxiety, feeling trapped like a caged animal...unable to affect the situation, unable to give myself the care I need. Perspective can be an amazing healer and great clarifier.

I think you can buy the Little Blue Book online. It's called ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON. I've found answers and peace there.

I wish serenity for you.
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Old 04-05-2011, 07:04 AM
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I don't know what to do about your problems with being alone, but the fact is if he doesn't get help, you will be alone soon anyway. He sounds very sick. He needs to get help immediately.
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Old 04-05-2011, 12:56 PM
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Brokenheartfool, I wouldn't ever tell you or anyone off. I'm too much of a softee for that
No, in all seriousness, you are right. I can get well, but the question I keep asking myself is how, when I fear the fear so much. I do have to get better, but right now, as a codie (I guess that's the right abbreviation thing for co-dependent) I just want him well. I, of course have learned that I can not fix him..he has to want help. He confuses the hell out of me..he says he want's help when he's drunk, but today before I gave in to his ranting and griping about "needing" a 12 pack (yes I give in to keep peace due to my anxiety) he said he didn't want to go to rehab right now. So..I'm just here. Just another numb ass day. He's drinking and listening to the stupid ass concerts that he has recorded on DVR while I sit here wondering if life will ever get any better. Of course leaving is an option..my mother would be thrilled for me to come live with them..but I don't want to. I'm my own worst enemy..alcohol is his worst enemy. He says he will go to a medical detox..but the closest is 3 hours away. Just another day. Hope everyone is well. Blessings and Hugs.
Aimee

Ladybug, yes that is the sad truth
Hugs, Aimee
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Old 04-05-2011, 01:39 PM
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If he wants to get sober he can. AA and NA are free., and AL-Anon is free for you.

His disease is talking here, and you have the choice to listen or not. His disease tells you it is drinking to detox from pills. That is not the way, and since has been thru a supervised detox before he knows that. We alcoholics are just the best actors in the world, we can execute our lines so well that everyone believes us. Nothing will "fix" an alcoholic until they have hit their bottom, not money, a job..nothing. We have to want to be sober, and find out how to live that way in order to begin our recovery journey.

Everyones bottom is different, but, the softer our landing, the harder it is to find that bottom. Until someone pulled that soft pillow out from under my butt, and I hit bottom, I didn't seek sobriety.

I am sure AA and NA have hotline numbers "he" can call if he wants help, as well as the Salvation Army. If he threatens to kill himself, call the authorities, as he has done this before, maybe more help will be available. Also Catholic Social Services in many areas can help.

Pain is the touchstone to growth...only you can decide how much more pain you can take.

Peace.
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Old 04-05-2011, 11:40 PM
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Thank you Anewaugust. During a discussion with him today, he stated that maybe he should become an actor..so it's quite ironic that you mentioned that. He plans to attend a local AA meeting this week (Thursday)..so we shall see. Thanks for your reply!
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Old 04-06-2011, 09:35 PM
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That's good news Aimee. One way or the other it's going be alright.Thanks for sharing your story by the way. Keep us posted if you would. Have a great one.
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Old 04-07-2011, 12:12 AM
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Thanks Ollie, yes it seems good but I'm not holding my breath. Today was same ole routine, but tonight was the most different he has been in a long time..I'm thinking he has hit the bottom, not exactly sure. He literally broke down. Told me he hated being this way, hated doing this to me, hated the fact his mother left and all the hurt he has caused me, and her, and everyone. He said he is going to go to rehab. He said he is sick and tired and sick of being sick. Soooo..maybe, just maybe he is starting to realize?? Tomorrow he will find out more about the rehab place. I will definitely keep you and everyone updated. Hugs!!
Aimee
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