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Suicide threats?

Old 04-01-2011, 04:25 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I have a friend who grew up with an alcoholic dramaqueen dad. One of the (countless) times his dad threatened to kill himself if the mom/wife didn't [fill in demand here], the mom/wife said (without even looking up from her sewing) "if you're gonna shoot yourself, do it in the garage because it's easier to clean up the mess in there."
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Old 04-01-2011, 05:58 AM
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Originally Posted by stacylove View Post
This is good infomation, I honestly didn't know you are supposed to call the police when someone threatens suicide. Is this anytime? For example, if someone says, I've been thinking about suicide lately. ? I have an internet friend who has talked about this, I wish I would have known, because we ended up fighting and I haven't heard from him since, hopefully he is ok. Next time I will know, thank you.
I don't think you need to call the police/911 for everyone who says he/she has been thinking about it. In that situation I would urge the person to get some psychiatric help or to call a suicide hotline.

What we're talking here is about people who (a) are making threats of doing something imminently and/or (b) are most likely using it as a form of manipulation. In that situation(s) calling the police or 911 can get them taken to the crisis unit so you, personally don't have to worry about "rescuing" them, and also shows that you are not going to be manipulated that way. If they are playing games, they will think twice before pulling it again when it results in getting "held for observation" for a day or more.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:12 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
While I'm not advocating taking threats of suicide lightly, my experience with As is that they're usually to enamored with themselves to actually do anything but use the suicide card as a way to manipulate the people around them.

I know that sounds harsh, but that's my experience.
That's been my experience too.

But there can be exceptions. I've read several SR posts where spouses brought in law enforcement and that put a stop to that particular ploy.
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Old 04-01-2011, 08:55 AM
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I read threatening suicide is a form of abuse.
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
Fired from the job? fine, guess I will end it. too much foam on my latte, must be time for me to die.
The foam in MY latte just came out my nose. Thank you for that comic relief.

XXXXXX, I think you did very well in handling his manipulative threat. Your partner obviously doesn't understand much about healthy relationships.

I wish you a belated happy birthday and hope you're doing well today.

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Old 04-01-2011, 09:30 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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So last night after the cheesecake factory, I came home to what I thought would be a peaceful night, so wrong. We rented a pay per view movie and snuggled in to watch it, and within 20 minutes, the back door swings open, and it is the woman who's house he had gone to. I have met her before, at a sports bar where we sometimes watch games. I actually liked her, but she is definately a party girl. She met him at a bar and dated him for a couple of months, before me. When really drunk, he will compare her to me and at one point when I said I wasn't going to Vegas to marry him as we have plans to do, he said he was going anyway and would just take her. I never react to that one and just usually tell him that's fine. When I saw them coming in I sent dd to the neighbors to play with their daughter for a little while.

He could barely walk, and had a beer in his hand. I took it and dumped it down the sink and told him to go to bed. She said that in an attempt to help him pass out, she had also given him a hydrocodone and muscle relaxer. When that didn't work, she brought him back to me.

So he refused to go to bed, and was slurring words, talking out of his head. At the same time, the mother of his child showed up, yelling that she wanted to come into the house and get some of his things. I told her that it was not a good time and she needed to leave. She proceeded to let her son into the house and told him to go upstairs to get his things (he is 8). I met him at the door and took him back to the car, told him that I love him and I would bring his things to him later.

So drama over, party girl and ex gone I put collected my daughter, ut her in the car and we went to the theater to watch the wimpy kid movie.

I figured he would be passed out when I got home, wrong again. I was sure there was no more beer in the house, wrong again.

Her bedroom is downstairs, so we went there, played some wii, she went to sleep. At 1am I figured he was asleep and went upstairs to turn some lights off, clean up a little and get clean clothes for myself to sleep in.

He was sitting at the computer listening to music, with another beer by his side. I dumped that one out. And told him to go to bed.

He said he would only if I would go with him, and exhausted as I was, I said fine. Within 10 minutes, he was dead asleep and I managed to make my way to the guest room.

This morning as I left for work he was begging me not to leave him. Telling me that everything better started today. I told him that when I got back, he should have his mess cleaned up. There is a broken glass in the kitchen, I just left it there. I havent' cleaned any mess that isn't mine or hers and I haven't done his laundry in days now, he may have nothing to wear. My daughter won't be here for the rest of the weekend, she has a sleepover with a friend tonight and her dad is taking her tomorrow night.

The biggest decision now is what to do:

1. move home, which would mean quitting my job and living with my sister or mother until I find a house or apt to rent. Would also mean pulling dd out of school. It would mean that he would be 5 hours away, not a drive across town.

2. Get an apartment across town, close to the school where I work. This would also mean changing dd's school, because currently I can drop her off at before school no earlier than 7am. I have to be at work at 7am. I could move her to the elementary which is next to the middle where I work, our schedules would be similiar, but I hate to move her. I also wonder if he would actually leave me alone.

3. Convince him to get out for 3 months. It is his house, his mortgage. Actually it is also his mother's mortgage. She is stressed right now thinking about the fact that he has lost his job and that her name and credit is out for his mortgage. If she is smart, she will come put the damn thing on the market, sadly it is worth much less than they paid for it, not only because of the market, but because he hasn't taken very good care of it. I would be stretched to pay the whole thing on my own, but it would be only for 3 months. The trick would be actually having him stay out.

Wow, ive written a book. If anyone has actually read all of it, please give me some thoughts.
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:38 AM
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Do whatever you have to do to get yourself and your daughter out of that madness. She deserves to live in a peaceful home, not one filled with so much chaos. Move across town, or move back home, but get your daughter away from that nightmare.
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:42 AM
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Thank goodness your daughter just so happens to be gone for the weekend.

I hope you protect her from experiencing this type of life after the weekend is over.

It sounds (though not ideal) that you have places to go, that will provide the essentials for her; safety, a roof, a place to sleep, etc, which right now is the most important thing in your universe.
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:42 AM
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oi vey...what a night.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

If you ask me, option 3 has the potential for resulting in A LOT more drama, because you'd have to deal with him pulling out EVERY STOP to get you to change your mind. Also, considering the house is his, it will be tricky to get him to agree. Considering he's often wasted and his behaviour is inconsistent, he might say yes, and then show up blotto one night trying to break down the door, and you wouldn't be able to do much about it legally because it is his home.

IMO, option 1 and 2 are the best ones, though as you said, option 2 would mean he may not leave you alone.

However, considering you are close to the end of the school year, could you consider finding a sublet for the next 3 months close to your daughter's current school? Then you could finish out the year, give yourself some time to think and THEN consider option 1 or 2, which would be much more easily accomplished while school is out. During this period, it would be a good idea to keep to No Contact as much as possible...block his number, don't give him your address, etc.

Keep posting!
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:44 AM
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my xah called at one point eluding to suicide. kept telling me not to sell his car, to save it for our daughter one day. did the same thing to his mom. would never actually say it.....it was all a game. I am not saying that all suicide threats with alcoholics are just that, but I am saying that this is pretty normal. Probably figures that you want him to live so you will let him stay.....
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Old 04-01-2011, 09:44 AM
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My A made the same threats to me. After me freaking out the first few times (and after some ESH from my Al-Anon friends), I told him that I would call the cops/EMS if he tried it on me again. No threats directly to me since then but he did tell me that after one bad incident/binge, he called the suicide hot line.

Like your postponement of your wedding, I did the same with me and the A moving back in together. My niggling little voice kept telling me that it wasn't part of the plan. He kept the pressure up and I responded with a list of what his half of the expenses of this place would be, IF he were to move back in. That and having to be screened as a co-tenant by the property management company that oversees my place. Needless to say, neither went over well with the A. He claimed I was putting "obstacles" in his way and I really didn't want our relationship to return to co-habiting. Guess he didn't understand my need to CYA (cover your a**). Turns out that his ex and several ex girlfriends threw him out for his drinking.......and I have just kicked him to the curb for the same thing. Guess my little voice was right all along.

Happy Birthday,XXXXXXXXXX, sending you big birthday hugs from me and my puppy dog.
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Old 04-02-2011, 12:13 AM
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I'm sorry you had to go through all that drama. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I'm not a mother but I think the best thing would be to move far away. Hopefully he will get sober, but of course that will only happen if he wants it to. Bless both you and your dd and big hugs!!
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:00 AM
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I agree with the others... do whatever you need to do to get your daughter away from that chaos. Changing schools is not ideal, but it's FAR more ideal than living in that craziness and drama. And I agree about option 3 not being a good choice. You need to have space that is completely removed from him, space that you (or your own trusted family/friends) have complete physical and legal control over.
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Old 04-02-2011, 06:48 AM
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You are such a great mom...I just want to say that first. Keeping her entertained and occupied while all that crap was going on demonstrates your mama-bear instincts are alive and well. You did real good in that situation.

Just weighing in on your 1,2 & 3 options (for whatever it's worth), I like #1. Being 5 hours away and close to your family sounds perfect. If DD is gonna have to move and change schools, etc., it sounds like being close to her grandmother and aunt are excellent alternatives. In other words, if you're going to have to move and disrupt her school year, let it be there.

I like Noday's idea about finding something just til the end of the school year that would offer as little disruption as possible for your DD.

Are you in a large metro area, suburb, or what? Are there lots of housing options or only a few? I'm wondering if an apt. complex might just allow you a 3 month lease... some do. Check Craigslist for sublets.

Option #3 is just bad all the way around. This guy is not gonna let go easily and this option gives him WAY too much leverage.

You are doing a great job of protecting your daughter....and yourself. Keep going. (((Hugs)))
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Old 04-02-2011, 09:26 AM
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I'm really impressed with how you handled all that drama (especially the part with babymom and child--that was very good of you to consider the little boy's feelings--so sad he got dragged into this crap).

I think you have some good ideas and suggestions. One of them will work out. Pray for guidance.

Many hugs,
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Old 04-02-2011, 10:21 AM
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I'm also impressed with the way you handled the drama. Wow. What an evening!

As far as the suicide threats go.....I dealt with that with my exhusband and he held me emotional hostage for five years. I finally divorced him when we were 25 and he is now 52.

I have also dealt with the suicide threats from my adult AS. Initially, I ran to his aid terrified that he would follow through on his threats. Once I began my recovery, I called 911 when I knew where he was (there were times I couldn't call the police because I didn't know his location).

When I didn't know where he was and he was making those threats, I would say "I'm so sorry you feel that way. Please know that my love for you is for all eternity." and disengage. No begging. No pleading. No rescueing. I had to stop doing that because it was simply reinforcing the behavior--manipulation or truth.

He threatened suicide on my birthday last year. What a kind gift to a mother, huh? But it was one of the occasions that I didn't know his location so I told him I loved him and disengaged. Then proceeded to go out with my husband, daughter, daughter's boyfriend and my niece and had a wonderful birthday dinner.

I'll never know truly whether it is manipulation or not. But I do know that I cannot and will not run to his aid because I am not qualified to handle a suicide threat. I call 911 when I'm able or leave him in his HP's hands when I can't call 911.

If it is manipulation, it is a very cruel form of psychological torture.

gentle hugs
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