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I blew it...

Old 03-31-2011, 09:37 AM
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I blew it...

AH left in a huff last night after staying with the girls (they were in bed) while I went to al anon.

As of last night he is staying with a friend from work and his wife. He was on the phone when I came in and I guess didn't realize I was there and he was having a GRAND time laughing about how great it'll be that he'll be there and what wine to bring for his wife etc...

I said nothing but he knew I heard it all. I did call an hour later to be sure he made it safely and got no response.

It's always this way. Selective ability to reach him depending on whether he chooses to be reachable or not.

I left a message saying I hoped he made it fine (he was walking there and it was late) and went to bed.

This morning he showed up and had clearly been drinking the night before. Still I said nothing but I felt myself starting to have a hard time. He started in asking what was wrong, why I was avoiding him, telling me how I had clearly "checked out" of the marriage etc...

And yes, I took the bait and am a wreck now. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say I reacted badly, am obsessed with his recovery (or lack thereof) again, am tempted to email his work buddy and tell him H is an alcoholic and to please tell me if he was drinking etc...

Instead of that I am here-- I am SOOOOOO pissed that no matter how hard I am trying he is trying ever HARDER to break me... He even commented over the past few days about how happy I am and whether it's bc I am over him... I explained that I was focussing on me and happy bc I was feeling good about worrying about my flaws and working on them and that it had nothing to do with being over him at all...

I thought I was doing better and I guess all is not lost, but his need to suck me back in and my difficulty keeping myself from being sucked in was stronger than my working the program this morning...

I can't have no contact because of the girls but really that's the only way I think I can, for now, keep my emotional distance.

You should have seen him- it was like a shift came over him- and he was on a mission and wasn't going to stop until I reacted. And this morning, when I am overtired from D3 not sleeping, overwhelmed bc of my job loss, PMSing big time (perhaps tmi?!) -- I tried really hard but I broke and I am angry at ME for doing so and angry at him for caring more about pulling me down with him than seeing me get better and want to join me on the way up. Today was really eye opening and I really, really don't think there's a bit of hope of him changing.

Until today I was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe there was something left to save in our marriage but I really don't think there is. I think I need to rip off the bandaid in one fell swoop so to speak and file for divorce and be done with it.


This sucks.
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:43 AM
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Ugh I'm sorry this sucks so badly.



However, it sounds like you've come to an important realization: you're done. In your mind, there's nothing worth saving. That sort of realization is priceless. Some people can go years without accepting the reality of their situation, to the detriment of their friends and family. It seems to me that you might be ready to do what it takes to extricate yourself out of this.

What's your next move?
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:55 AM
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This is a powerful moment for you. Let it be there. Feel pain, anger, and also the resolve to let it sink in.

I would be mad, too. It sounds like he feels that you making boundaries is a game, and he is reacting like a teenager--"woohoo, I get to stay at my buddys house and drink without being scowled at.."

You are doing the right thing for you and your girls.
You were at an alanon meeting working on yourself, while he was making plans to drink for the night.

Its pretty black and white.
Maybe he will get the message after you really move on.
I think for many of us, letting go of them getting the message is the only way we can move on.

Keep working! You are doing great, even though it feels so crappy!
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:05 AM
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Last week right before I went to al anon he started in trying to bait me and I walked out and didn't let it get to me... This week when I got back from al anon he did the same thing.

I thought last week was a fluke that it happened to happen before I was going to al anon. Now I am not so stupid.

This past Fri night I went out with my mom and when I returned and hadn't replied to his many texts wanting to know where I was and what I was doing (I gave him the bare necessities and said I'd be back before X time and then left my phone in my purse and actively enjoyed where I was instead of worrying about him) he also tried to bait me.

I thought all of this was "coincidental" but clearly I was in denial.

Here's what I see: H sees that I am living my own life for me. Going to al anon vs staying home worrying about him. Going out with my mom and not obsessing about him as I've done in the past. He sees this and doesn't like the fact that at the same time I am doing these things I also seem surprisingly calm/happy. He needs to stop that before I really un do the status quo and leave him with no one to look at but himself. So, he pulls out all the stops to try and make me associate doing things for me with being blamed and getting into a fight with him so that I will hopefully be too scared to continue doing things for me. The crap he pulled last Fri night was the 2nd time in a month he'd done that after I went out for dinner/drinks with someone and had fun. And honestly, I now feel a twinge of "I should keep from him that I'm going out" or "I shouldn't ask him to stay with the girls if I go out" or "I shouldn't go out at all bc it causes too much conflict". I mean this thinking is like classic abused/abuser thinking/behavior and it's kind of shocking to see it occurring...

He did the same with al anon the past 2 weeks. For years he's told me I'm ill and need help and need to worry about me and not him. Well now that I am doing that and agreeing that I am ill and do need help he wants to stop me from doing what he's claimed I should for years...

SICK.

And still, at the end of the day I am most upset with myself for getting sucked in. I don't need it, I don't want it, I don't deserve it and I am sick of living with it.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:10 AM
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What's your next move?
I don't know yet... I am not ready to pull the divorce trigger I guess but I am thinking that I ought to find out about getting a legal separation agreement.

He is starting an outpatient rehab program today and there's a family component one time a week. I think he assumes I am coming to that and I don't really want to. I feel like there should be something happening on his end before I give him that time and emotional energy again.

History: He did this 12 week program already this Fall. It meant that he did nothing at all to help with the girls for 3 months bc of the hours of the program. It required me to change meetings at work, make all kinds of sacrifices, made the girls have to sacrifice a lot too and then the weekend it ended (it ended on a Fri) he started drinking again and it has been worse than ever ever since.

So, right now I don't feel like offering a solitary bit of support to his doing this program. If he wants to do it, great, but he's going to have to find a way to meet his obligations and make sacrifices himself when I have job responsibilities I can't get out of (which this fall I did get out of and it did not go over well with my administrator).

Is this wrong of me to not want to be accomodating this time around?
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:11 AM
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Find a different "sitter", because he's going to keep doing this things. AH always throws his worst tantrums when I leave for a few hours, and leave him in charge of the kids. It took me years to figure it out.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:11 AM
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"Here's what I see: H sees that I am living my own life for me. Going to al anon vs staying home worrying about him. Going out with my mom and not obsessing about him as I've done in the past. He sees this and doesn't like the fact that at the same time I am doing these things I also seem surprisingly calm/happy. He needs to stop that before I really un do the status quo and leave him with no one to look at but himself. So, he pulls out all the stops to try and make me associate doing things for me with being blamed and getting into a fight with him so that I will hopefully be too scared to continue doing things for me. The crap he pulled last Fri night was the 2nd time in a month he'd done that after I went out for dinner/drinks with someone and had fun. And honestly, I now feel a twinge of "I should keep from him that I'm going out" or "I shouldn't ask him to stay with the girls if I go out" or "I shouldn't go out at all bc it causes too much conflict". I mean this thinking is like classic abused/abuser thinking/behavior and it's kind of shocking to see it occurring...

He did the same with al anon the past 2 weeks. For years he's told me I'm ill and need help and need to worry about me and not him. Well now that I am doing that and agreeing that I am ill and do need help he wants to stop me from doing what he's claimed I should for years...

SICK.

And still, at the end of the day I am most upset with myself for getting sucked in. I don't need it, I don't want it, I don't deserve it and I am sick of living with it."



BINGO!!! Yay!
You sound very strong.

Working on yourself has this cumulative effect, and dont expect him to ease up. He will probably start a different tack, if you keep moving on.

Mine has pulled out stops that you would not believe when I get/got strong, started moving, really did not CARE if I got those "check in "calls or texts.

Nothing means anything to me now, unless it is sustainable change/ and that will only be shown by time.
And remember, this is me talking about my RAH, who is sober 6 months.
It is still a matter of sustained change. He is getting that message.

The good news, I am not 'waiting' for it.
Sounds like neither are you!
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:16 AM
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Originally Posted by pixilation View Post
Find a different "sitter", because he's going to keep doing this things. AH always throws his worst tantrums when I leave for a few hours, and leave him in charge of the kids. It took me years to figure it out.
I figured that out a long time ago but thought it was just when they were awake and he had to do the hard part of parenting vs just swoop in and play for a bit and leave all the rough stuff to me...

But evidently even when they are sound asleep (he didn't come over until they were in bed) that's still reason to be pissed.

Of course, when I have a sitter come over (and I did that for a while when I told him he couldn't be trusted to be with them alone) he tells me I am keeping him from his right to be in his home with his kids.

Ultimately, no matter what I do it is going to be wrong... But I agree- time for a new sitter bc I don't need his crap.
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:19 AM
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Man, I know how you feel. It is just so hard. When my AH is trying his best to bait me, I am often reminded of the end scene in The Exorcist when the devil in Linda Blair hits Father Damien in his most vulnerable spot by channeling the voice of his mother, saying "Why you do this to me, Dami????" You can see in Father Damien's face the struggle to not succumb to the obvious lure, made harder by the intense guilt he felt over his relationship with his mother. All the more reason to stop feeling guilty!

So, that's where detachment comes in--resisting the lies and the manipulation and not letting them push those buttons! If you are feeling guilty about leaving, he has a chance of getting to you. If you are feeling tired, he has a chance of getting to you. But if you are feeling bolstered and supported by a clear head and healthy friends, you have a good chance to "get Satan behind thee." ("Satan" being all the emotional sickness)

You've done the hardest part--you've made the commitment AND the move. Now that you can surround with good energy most of the time, you'll just get stronger and stronger! Believe it!
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Old 03-31-2011, 10:38 AM
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It's crazy to say this (or maybe it isn't) but I feel like the stronger I feel I am getting the degree to which he tries to suck me back in also increases....

I'd had a great al anon meeting, have felt good all week, all weekend, much of last week etc...

I've continued to limit my interaction with him whenever possible not bc I don't care or love him but bc when I am with him I find I can only care about one of us and it's not me; and that's all my responsibility to deal with- not his... But of course he has taken it as abandonment.

H has been diagnosed with BPD as well I think I might have mentioned so it's like there are sooooo many things at play here--
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:30 PM
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This is where No Contact comes in handy. When we know that to be in communication with them is hard on US, and causes us to act in ways we regret, that's when we have to communicate by email and only about the kids. It's for your benefit.

Take care of yourself.
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:30 PM
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Forgive me if this sounds insensitive but...what's holding you back from separation at this point? Obviously, your whole life isn't encompassed in your posts, but from what you've described, it seems like you're barely tolerating him and he is doing everything in his power to mess you up. That's not a marriage. That's not even a healthy roommate situation.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:33 PM
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I got a legal separation from my AH, it wasn't hard to do at all. It states that I have primary custody and remain in the home and that he can visit the kids when we agree and he gives 2 hours notice (we are pretty relaxed on this and it's working so far, some people may need visitation much more spelled out). I think getting those papers sent to him has hit him pretty hard and made him realize I am not bluffing. I am just glad to have them because he recently lost his health insurance. While we had the insurance, he racked up $1000s in bills going to rehab, detox, falling and hitting his head, seeing psychiatrists, etc. Our separation agreement states that if we divorce, his medical bills ARE NOT mine. I am feeling like I want a divorce but haven't been quite able to pull the trigger yet, I guess I am hoping against all odds it will get better and want to give it a little time.
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Forgive me if this sounds insensitive but...what's holding you back from separation at this point? Obviously, your whole life isn't encompassed in your posts, but from what you've described, it seems like you're barely tolerating him and he is doing everything in his power to mess you up. That's not a marriage. That's not even a healthy roommate situation.

We are separated. He comes by to see the girls most late afternoons/early evenings. I have no plan to be anything other than separated for a long long time. In fact divorce is where I'm headed. Sorry if I didn't make this clear.
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Old 04-03-2011, 07:47 AM
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I think she is talking "legal separation," which doesn't exist in all States. In many places you have to file for divorce in order to get temporary support or to have a formal agreement in place.

Sorry things are so tough for you right now. I don't understand the downside of filing for divorce at this point. It takes awhile for it to become final, but you will have gotten a start on the process, at least. You can still change your mind if it looks like it would be in your interest to do so. You should certainly at least talk to a lawyer, who can explain your options and your rights. If you are losing your job, temporary support might be a lifesaver.

Hugs, sorry things are so upsetting right now. It will get better again.
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Old 04-03-2011, 08:02 AM
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WRT your job this sucks. Our societies priorities are in the shvt right now. I think what you are seeing is a backlash against any workers that organize, so don't take it personally. I went through a similar situation however I had a safety net. Keep your head up, and looking you will find a job even if it means moving. I know it's tough with a growing family but it can be done.

My AW during her longest period of sobriety left her AH, packed up her 3 & 5 year olds, headed to Texas, found a job, lived and didn't have a college degree.. Good luck
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