Hi. My name is FP and I'm a codependent
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Hi. My name is FP and I'm a codependent
Oh, geezorama! Did I do it!
My AH sent a long, bitter email about how I wasn't giving him a chance and how I never loved him and how...I don't know. A bunch of triggering stuff.
I told myself not to respond.
A
I considered copying the whole thing here just to be validated.
I knew that was just attention getting and unnecessary.
I wrote a line by line, pour my heart out, defend myself, remind him that I have always loved him, reiterate my boundaries and needs response and saved it on my computer under the title DO NOT SEND THIS.
Then I watched myself copy and paste it into an email and send it away.
<deep sigh>
I even started the email by saying, "I think sending this to you is folly since you are just going to get mad and it isn't going to change anything, but I can't help myself.
DEAR ME!
I am such an addict and getting him to "get it" is my drug.
I am such an addict.
No, but SERIOUSLY such an addict!
<second deep sigh>
aww, shucks.
fp
My AH sent a long, bitter email about how I wasn't giving him a chance and how I never loved him and how...I don't know. A bunch of triggering stuff.
I told myself not to respond.
AI considered copying the whole thing here just to be validated.
I knew that was just attention getting and unnecessary.
I wrote a line by line, pour my heart out, defend myself, remind him that I have always loved him, reiterate my boundaries and needs response and saved it on my computer under the title DO NOT SEND THIS.
Then I watched myself copy and paste it into an email and send it away.
<deep sigh>
I even started the email by saying, "I think sending this to you is folly since you are just going to get mad and it isn't going to change anything, but I can't help myself.
DEAR ME!
I am such an addict and getting him to "get it" is my drug.
I am such an addict.
No, but SERIOUSLY such an addict!
<second deep sigh>
aww, shucks.
fp
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Me too.
NC for the better part of two weeks except to deal with something that needed to be taken care of, totally unemotional email response.
But I have done what you did...several times...sometimes pathetically so...begging, the lot...wish I could take some emails back...his ego can always revisit them should he need a boost.
Don't settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake.
Don't defend yourself against illogical accusations.
Don't vent to them--wait--but it feels good, doesn't it? A little crazy making on our own side. Afterall, letting them have all the crazy making fun just doesn't seem fair. :P
Sometimes I think it just solidifies their belief that crazymaking is acceptable.
Other times I think...who says you are the only one that can vent and I have to keep it all inside?
Feel slightlier lucky than me...at least you receive the emotional emails. Exah NEVER NEVER NEVER puts anything in writing that could be used against him...either he's super paranoid, super cautious, or thinks he is going to be president one day, so there had better not be any kind of convicting papertrail.
I had to clean out ten years of emails. Not one, not one--revealed his heart or was vulnerable.
NC for the better part of two weeks except to deal with something that needed to be taken care of, totally unemotional email response.
But I have done what you did...several times...sometimes pathetically so...begging, the lot...wish I could take some emails back...his ego can always revisit them should he need a boost.
Don't settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake.
Don't defend yourself against illogical accusations.
Don't vent to them--wait--but it feels good, doesn't it? A little crazy making on our own side. Afterall, letting them have all the crazy making fun just doesn't seem fair. :P
Sometimes I think it just solidifies their belief that crazymaking is acceptable.
Other times I think...who says you are the only one that can vent and I have to keep it all inside?
Feel slightlier lucky than me...at least you receive the emotional emails. Exah NEVER NEVER NEVER puts anything in writing that could be used against him...either he's super paranoid, super cautious, or thinks he is going to be president one day, so there had better not be any kind of convicting papertrail.
I had to clean out ten years of emails. Not one, not one--revealed his heart or was vulnerable.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
I am such an addict and getting him to "get it" is my drug.
I am such an addict.
No, but SERIOUSLY such an addict!
I am such an addict.
No, but SERIOUSLY such an addict!
Don't lose sleep over it, FP,
....we all get triggered (my ex has an itchy "trigger-finger" when he has hit the "send" button over the past day or so) but this, too shall pass.Puppy Dog and I send you big supporting hugs.........
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by brokenheartfool 
Me too.
his ego can always revisit them should he need a boost.
Don't vent to them--wait--but it feels good, doesn't it? A little crazy making on our own side. Afterall, letting them have all the crazy making fun just doesn't seem fair. :P
Sometimes I think it just solidifies their belief that crazymaking is acceptable.
Feel slightlier lucky than me...at least you receive the emotional emails. Exah NEVER NEVER NEVER puts anything in writing that could be used against him...either he's super paranoid, super cautious, or thinks he is going to be president one day, so there had better not be any kind of convicting papertrail.
I had to clean out ten years of emails. Not one, not one--revealed his heart or was vulnerable.
his ego can always revisit them should he need a boost.
Don't vent to them--wait--but it feels good, doesn't it? A little crazy making on our own side. Afterall, letting them have all the crazy making fun just doesn't seem fair. :P
Sometimes I think it just solidifies their belief that crazymaking is acceptable.
Feel slightlier lucky than me...at least you receive the emotional emails. Exah NEVER NEVER NEVER puts anything in writing that could be used against him...either he's super paranoid, super cautious, or thinks he is going to be president one day, so there had better not be any kind of convicting papertrail.
I had to clean out ten years of emails. Not one, not one--revealed his heart or was vulnerable.
thanksalthough his sweet/vulnerable/sensitive side is further guilt producing that I am HURTING and LEAVING him.
<sheepish grin>
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Originally Posted by Linkmeister
Deep Breath.....in,out, in, out........relax and let it go!
Don't lose sleep over it, FP, ....we all get triggered (my ex has an itchy "trigger-finger" when he has hit the "send" button over the past day or so) but this, too shall pass.
Puppy Dog and I send you big supporting hugs.........
Don't lose sleep over it, FP,
....we all get triggered (my ex has an itchy "trigger-finger" when he has hit the "send" button over the past day or so) but this, too shall pass.Puppy Dog and I send you big supporting hugs.........
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
In Beyond Co dependency, Melody Beattie calls codie relapses 'recycling'. We do something we know we shouldn't, we experience the after effects but with a different perspective from all we've learned and we can react differently in future. Its like practical, hands on, codie-behaviour modification and boy do I recycle lots!!
Don't beat yourself up about this. Watch and learn - you've already stepped back from the belief that your email will change him a little. See what difference it actually makes with that bit of detachment I can 'hear' in your post.
Don't beat yourself up about this. Watch and learn - you've already stepped back from the belief that your email will change him a little. See what difference it actually makes with that bit of detachment I can 'hear' in your post.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Been there, done that. We all have.
Look, you didn't do anything harmful, so you have nothing to feel "guilty" about. All you did was something that wasn't helpful. You KNOW it wasn't/isn't helpful, so nobody needs to point it out.
Very hard to resist the urge at times.
Maybe create a folder in your email and name it "You gotta be kidding" and simply file any future emails of this type in there. Resist the urge to re-read and linger on his words until you are no longer feeling it necessary to respond. It's when we really start thinking about their words that we start giving them the power to hurt us. Scan it and file it.
Hugs, let it go.
Look, you didn't do anything harmful, so you have nothing to feel "guilty" about. All you did was something that wasn't helpful. You KNOW it wasn't/isn't helpful, so nobody needs to point it out.
Very hard to resist the urge at times.
Maybe create a folder in your email and name it "You gotta be kidding" and simply file any future emails of this type in there. Resist the urge to re-read and linger on his words until you are no longer feeling it necessary to respond. It's when we really start thinking about their words that we start giving them the power to hurt us. Scan it and file it.
Hugs, let it go.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
My mom always says, "Dont ever beat yourself up for trying to do the right thing, for loving someone for too long, for wanting something better out of someone. "
She is my mom, and I am a codie, so I take it in small doses, but...
You are human. You engaged him. There was nothing WRONG with that, just wasnt what you had laid out on your list of things to do.
So, dust yourself off...and get back up. No yardage lost. No foul.
She is my mom, and I am a codie, so I take it in small doses, but...
You are human. You engaged him. There was nothing WRONG with that, just wasnt what you had laid out on your list of things to do.
So, dust yourself off...and get back up. No yardage lost. No foul.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
Aww, shucks. The puppy love really helps!
Seriously, I just got the first "I'm Sorry-I still love you-I didn't mean-what-I did or said" email from him. I went NC for the final time on Friday after another round of drinking and blame shifting. I finally realized that in order to get ahead with my life, I had to break free of the control his alcoholism had on me.
The temptation was so great to hit the reply button after the email arrived and have my say yet again, things that would go in one ear and out the other. I didn't this time around in spite of the fact that a thousand things were swirling around in my head - what I could say, what I should say but will be left unsaid because it would be falling into the trap yet again.
So, I deleted it and blocked his email. It was hard to do that because like you, I wanted to pour my heart out, to justify things, to defend myself but fate or my HP had other ideas as I found this thread and it helped me so much.
Reading brokenhearted fools' response-well, that could have been me.
But I have done what you did...several times...sometimes pathetically so...begging, the lot...wish I could take some emails back...his ego can always revisit them should he need a boost.
Don't settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake.
Don't defend yourself against illogical accusations.
Don't vent to them--wait--but it feels good, doesn't it? A little crazy making on our own side. After all, letting them have all the crazy making fun just doesn't seem fair. :P
Sometimes I think it just solidifies their belief that crazymaking is acceptable.
Other times I think...who says you are the only one that can vent and I have to keep it all inside?
Don't settle for crumbs when you want the whole cake.
Don't defend yourself against illogical accusations.
Don't vent to them--wait--but it feels good, doesn't it? A little crazy making on our own side. After all, letting them have all the crazy making fun just doesn't seem fair. :P
Sometimes I think it just solidifies their belief that crazymaking is acceptable.
Other times I think...who says you are the only one that can vent and I have to keep it all inside?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I've written things like that before, and hell, even had those conversations, trying to re-word things so he'll understand. Responding to harsh accusations, defending myself, and trying to point out all the things I have done, justifying, all of it. We all know it never gets anywhere, but I find myself doing it once in a while.
Now, I type that stuff out and read it to my sponsor, or a friend. Send it to someone else for validation, but not to him. I also print it out, and put it in my God box, or simply burn it. That way I get it all out, and then turn it over to my HP so He can handle it. I'm a fan of tangible actions, plus I love fire,
so it's a win win.
Don't be so hard on yourself, we've all done it!
Now, I type that stuff out and read it to my sponsor, or a friend. Send it to someone else for validation, but not to him. I also print it out, and put it in my God box, or simply burn it. That way I get it all out, and then turn it over to my HP so He can handle it. I'm a fan of tangible actions, plus I love fire,
so it's a win win. Don't be so hard on yourself, we've all done it!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
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One thing all of us have that our A's don't have is right here at SR - we have support, we have love and we have each other to get us through the hard times and to cheer us on when good things happen.....
Thanks everyone.
You know, I just read this book on love and our brains about how our feelings come from our limbic brain and our thoughts and reasoning from our neocortex, which is no wonder they seem like they are coming from two different people!
My neocortex says let go and my limbic brain says try again.
I appreciate the support.
My fluffy puppy is spooning me right now and I agree, she's the best.
Thanks everyone.
You know, I just read this book on love and our brains about how our feelings come from our limbic brain and our thoughts and reasoning from our neocortex, which is no wonder they seem like they are coming from two different people!
My neocortex says let go and my limbic brain says try again.
I appreciate the support.
My fluffy puppy is spooning me right now and I agree, she's the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
FP, I am doing something that seems to be helping my outrageous and irrational desire to continue to say the same things over and over again hoping next time it'll stick and he will magically become a good man...
I write him letters. I save them in a file on my desktop. I never send them. But each day, when I get the desire to wallow, I write it out... addressed to him...almost like a journal. After a few weeks of this, I can go back and read what I have written and its a reminder of my own behavior. It seems to be working so far. I know in my head I will never send these - I will eventually delete them. But in my heart this is my chance to be heard in a way that I never was with him.
I imagine someday I will re-address these letters to myself, instead of him, because they really are to me, for me.
It's hard... this merry-go-round. I still get hooked so easily that I am starting to bring "witnesses" with me whenever I have to go to the house for items, and am planning to do the same when I finally get to completely move out. It seems so silly and juvenile - all of this stupid stuff I have to go through, but it works. He won't say or do anything in front of others.
I feel your frustration...I have it too. It just sucks. And it, too, shall pass and we'll look back on this time of our lives with pride that we managed to do the right thing in the end.
I write him letters. I save them in a file on my desktop. I never send them. But each day, when I get the desire to wallow, I write it out... addressed to him...almost like a journal. After a few weeks of this, I can go back and read what I have written and its a reminder of my own behavior. It seems to be working so far. I know in my head I will never send these - I will eventually delete them. But in my heart this is my chance to be heard in a way that I never was with him.
I imagine someday I will re-address these letters to myself, instead of him, because they really are to me, for me.
It's hard... this merry-go-round. I still get hooked so easily that I am starting to bring "witnesses" with me whenever I have to go to the house for items, and am planning to do the same when I finally get to completely move out. It seems so silly and juvenile - all of this stupid stuff I have to go through, but it works. He won't say or do anything in front of others.
I feel your frustration...I have it too. It just sucks. And it, too, shall pass and we'll look back on this time of our lives with pride that we managed to do the right thing in the end.
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Thanks so much, Tuff.
Well, I'll tell you what! Did I have a crying jag! Hours.
Then I got my head on more straight.
Then, yesterday, I got ANGRY!
How DARE he revise our past and say I never loved him??!?
Either that is really jacked up thinking or he is just messing with me, in which that is outrageously cruel!!
What cr*p!!
LOL!
I think the anger is self-caring and burns away some of that weak victim mentality. As long as I don't get stuck there, I think it is healing.
Then I read tuff's posts and remember, oh, yeah. I DO love the guy and wish him the best. I just need to step away for my sanity.
So, I am back to more peace and sanity.
He called, very normal, and left a message.
I think I need to just say no to that.
WHEW! One day at a time.
Well, I'll tell you what! Did I have a crying jag! Hours.
Then I got my head on more straight.
Then, yesterday, I got ANGRY!
How DARE he revise our past and say I never loved him??!?
Either that is really jacked up thinking or he is just messing with me, in which that is outrageously cruel!!
What cr*p!!
LOL!
I think the anger is self-caring and burns away some of that weak victim mentality. As long as I don't get stuck there, I think it is healing.
Then I read tuff's posts and remember, oh, yeah. I DO love the guy and wish him the best. I just need to step away for my sanity.
So, I am back to more peace and sanity.
He called, very normal, and left a message.
I think I need to just say no to that.
WHEW! One day at a time.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by FindingPeace1
He called, very normal, and left a message.
I think I need to just say no to that.WHEW! One day at a time.
I think I need to just say no to that.WHEW! One day at a time.
Anyway, I quoted you above because I just had an opportunity to do the very thing in return and like a cat with a bowl of cream, I am most pleased with myself! Bad, Tuffgirl, bad!
I called, very normal, (after two weeks of minimum text message contact only) and told the RAH that step-DD wants to run the 5K race with him this end of this month after all. He was speechless, then bumbling. Totally caught him off guard! Then I say "well, contact her directly to make plans. gotta run, bye"
Why? Because she asked me if it would be ok. And because I think it will be ok, so long as he picks her up at the door and drops her off at the door and goes on his merry-little-pink-clouding way...I have nothing to say to him right now.
Because as a Mom, with daughters who did really genuinely love their Step Dad, don't feel like I want to explain adult relationship dynamics to a 13 yr old.
Because he was good to them.
Because I need her out of my hair that day. Yeah - there IS that, too!
Felt good to whack him upside the proverbial head with my unexpected kindness. That doesn't happen often.
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