Can I just scream!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Can I just scream!
I think I just need to put off the CNA classes for my sanity, because exA and his mom agreed to watch the kids this week for my class, which I only have 4 more classes and a weekend of clinicals. His mom just decided that two nights of watching them (with their dad there with them) is to much for her and she needs a break. Then she says exA has lots of work to do and probably can't watch them. Then it was my fault that he got written up at work because he had to go to court on monday.
When I dropped them off today, she was asking when I was letting exA come home or when I am finding a place.He can live with them for a month but no more than that. She said, "I am 55 and were getting old for this." It's so hard to get the point across to her that I am not going to live with exA ever again and it is unsafe and unhealthy for the kids to be around that.
Fine. You have your opinions and I have mine. This is my life and these are my kids.
I think she "gets it" to an extent because she has been through it with him before, but I think she chooses not to see the reality of things. She thinks I am under stress at school and he is at work and that is what is causing our fighting.
and she even told me that her husband, exA's dad, had shoved her before when he was jealous. He thought she was talking to some guys..? Anyways, is this normal? minimizing what HER son did to me and then telling me its okay because it happened to her before?
Ugh now I don't know if I trust any of those people with my kids. I'm sorry I am just sooo stressed!
When I dropped them off today, she was asking when I was letting exA come home or when I am finding a place.He can live with them for a month but no more than that. She said, "I am 55 and were getting old for this." It's so hard to get the point across to her that I am not going to live with exA ever again and it is unsafe and unhealthy for the kids to be around that.
Fine. You have your opinions and I have mine. This is my life and these are my kids.
I think she "gets it" to an extent because she has been through it with him before, but I think she chooses not to see the reality of things. She thinks I am under stress at school and he is at work and that is what is causing our fighting.
and she even told me that her husband, exA's dad, had shoved her before when he was jealous. He thought she was talking to some guys..? Anyways, is this normal? minimizing what HER son did to me and then telling me its okay because it happened to her before?
Ugh now I don't know if I trust any of those people with my kids. I'm sorry I am just sooo stressed!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Lindsey. I'm not sure I have any advice, but I can commiserate. xSIL called me to yell at me once for not making XAH (her 'baby' brother) see DS more. When I tried to explain the whole drinking problem, not knowing where XAH was living, all the cr-p e put us through, etc., she went off. Yeah she's been through all that with her X and called him a sperm donor and 'went crazy'. She said he took their then pre-teen daughter and left her with a bunch of drunk guys while he left to run an errand/buy booze and she got angry but she made sure he kept seeing their daughter.
1. I cannot make XAH do anything, so me making him see his DS more wasn't exactly do-able.
2. The whole story about her daughter being left with drunk guys scared me to death and wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement to subject DS to an unsafe environment.
I think if your xMIL (for want of a better term) is not dealing with the past abuse or alcoholism that has affected her, yeah, it might be 'normal' to minimize what your XA, her son, did to you. Doesn't mean you have to listen to her. Abuse is not 'normal'. When I find myself minimizing the abuse in my past, I know I need some serious time with my counsellor specific to dealing with the abuse. Not sure, other than being aware of it, what you can do with your xMIL's secondary wounding.
I don't know what I would do about her nagging about him moving out of her place, other than to say she's able to kick him out anytime she wants....
Hang in there.
1. I cannot make XAH do anything, so me making him see his DS more wasn't exactly do-able.
2. The whole story about her daughter being left with drunk guys scared me to death and wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement to subject DS to an unsafe environment.
I think if your xMIL (for want of a better term) is not dealing with the past abuse or alcoholism that has affected her, yeah, it might be 'normal' to minimize what your XA, her son, did to you. Doesn't mean you have to listen to her. Abuse is not 'normal'. When I find myself minimizing the abuse in my past, I know I need some serious time with my counsellor specific to dealing with the abuse. Not sure, other than being aware of it, what you can do with your xMIL's secondary wounding.
I don't know what I would do about her nagging about him moving out of her place, other than to say she's able to kick him out anytime she wants....
Hang in there.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Can you possibly fine SOMEONE to stay with the kids? You are so close to finishing, I hate to see you put it off.
You can't make your MIL do anything, any more than you can make anyone else do anything. It would be nice if she were supportive, but it isn't her job to take care of the kids, either.
Maybe a friend, or parent of a classmate, and you could offer to reciprocate as soon as your class is finished?
You can't make your MIL do anything, any more than you can make anyone else do anything. It would be nice if she were supportive, but it isn't her job to take care of the kids, either.
Maybe a friend, or parent of a classmate, and you could offer to reciprocate as soon as your class is finished?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
No no no! do not put them off, please. Call around, find someone that can babysit(heck, if I were close enough, I would babysit) Just finish the classes.
My mil totally minimizes what her son does, because he's "not as bad" as her brothers were, or as bad as her mother is(yes, it's multi-generational in her family) She thinks antabuse will fix him, not that he'd actually take it though. And she too thinks all we need is some counseling.
My mil totally minimizes what her son does, because he's "not as bad" as her brothers were, or as bad as her mother is(yes, it's multi-generational in her family) She thinks antabuse will fix him, not that he'd actually take it though. And she too thinks all we need is some counseling.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Not your job to make sure she understands what you mean.
When you are gone, and she has to put A out because she realizes what a problem he is, then she will understand...OR NOT.
Truth is, she wants you to keep babaysitting her sick son, and she probably doesnt even knmow that. Its just unconscious denial.
Im sorry for your chaos, but I hope you find a safe and reliable way to continue taking the classes. hang in there!
When you are gone, and she has to put A out because she realizes what a problem he is, then she will understand...OR NOT.
Truth is, she wants you to keep babaysitting her sick son, and she probably doesnt even knmow that. Its just unconscious denial.
Im sorry for your chaos, but I hope you find a safe and reliable way to continue taking the classes. hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi LS2,
"listen to your gut".
Immediately, as I read your post, I thought, "That is exactly what they want you to do!"
Please finish school. It is a great qualification, and you will always get work. This is your way of getting independent. You can have a job with regular hours, health insurance, paid vacation, friendship of colleagues.....
It is not important to understand or be understood by your MIL.
4 classes!!!!!! One weekend of clinicals!!!!!
Do it! Independence awaits.
Big hugs.
"listen to your gut".
Immediately, as I read your post, I thought, "That is exactly what they want you to do!"
Please finish school. It is a great qualification, and you will always get work. This is your way of getting independent. You can have a job with regular hours, health insurance, paid vacation, friendship of colleagues.....
It is not important to understand or be understood by your MIL.
4 classes!!!!!! One weekend of clinicals!!!!!
Do it! Independence awaits.
Big hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Agreed with everyone.
Time to start ignoring/detaching from the XMIL and finding other childcare alternatives, which, in the long run, will benefit you seeing as poor wittle XAH has to *worK* and his mother prefers to have her head in the sand.
Perhaps you can find another mama who needs a childcare swap a night or two a week? That would allow you to continue with your studies and wouldn't impact you financially...
Time to start ignoring/detaching from the XMIL and finding other childcare alternatives, which, in the long run, will benefit you seeing as poor wittle XAH has to *worK* and his mother prefers to have her head in the sand.
Perhaps you can find another mama who needs a childcare swap a night or two a week? That would allow you to continue with your studies and wouldn't impact you financially...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
Agreeing with everyone.
Find a sitter for the nights you need to finish your school, that is rediculous that watching his kids is difficult because Ex has too much work to do. Its not your fault he got written up at work, this obviously was not the first time he has called out or else he wouldnt have been written up.
Do what you need to to get thru the last 4 nights and clinicals, you can do this.
Find a sitter for the nights you need to finish your school, that is rediculous that watching his kids is difficult because Ex has too much work to do. Its not your fault he got written up at work, this obviously was not the first time he has called out or else he wouldnt have been written up.
Do what you need to to get thru the last 4 nights and clinicals, you can do this.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
You are so close.
You can do this.
xMIL is probably trying to push you to take him back so that she doesn't have to deal with his behavior anymore.
It is easier when someone else does the enabling, and hard for her to let go of her son and his problem.
Now is not the time to put your dreams on hold again.
Do what you need to do to accomplish this.
It will be better, in the long run, even if it is difficult now.
You can do this.
xMIL is probably trying to push you to take him back so that she doesn't have to deal with his behavior anymore.
It is easier when someone else does the enabling, and hard for her to let go of her son and his problem.
Now is not the time to put your dreams on hold again.
Do what you need to do to accomplish this.
It will be better, in the long run, even if it is difficult now.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Is there anyone you can find to help with the kids, as others have said? They WANT to stop you from being able to finish bc I am guessing that finishing your CNA class means you are even less dependent on H, right?
I just posted about my H trying his best to stop me in a variety of ways, from going to al anon or out with my mother for a break/dinner etc...
So far I haven't let him stop me and I am going to line up several sitters so that when he pulls what you are describing your mil is doing, I'll have a solution.
Who can you call to help you out? There's got to be someone, right?
I just posted about my H trying his best to stop me in a variety of ways, from going to al anon or out with my mother for a break/dinner etc...
So far I haven't let him stop me and I am going to line up several sitters so that when he pulls what you are describing your mil is doing, I'll have a solution.
Who can you call to help you out? There's got to be someone, right?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Thank you!! I got my mom to come down for the clinical weekend and a friend to take them tonight and I will see if she is okay with doing the rest of the days, she is opening a daycare soon so it works out!
I'm putting off calling xMil because I am just angry at her and don't want to lash out on her. She told me this morning when I came and got the kids that if I needed help with the kids, xA is willing too EXCEPT only if it's at our house...um no. because the court said that would be to hard for the police to monitor.I know her job isn't to watch my kids, which she isn't really since xA is for most part..its at night and you just feed them and put them to bed!
I was upset she told me, infront of the kids that, "We like to have their quite nights and be able to watch tv without cartoons on. We love them to death but need a break from them." ...Yeah they are only 3 and 4, but you just don't say that INFRONT of them, fine yeah you need a break. exA's dad was there too this morning and just plain grumpy with me, didn't even say hi. I'm so sensitive!
Okay well things are coming together nicely.
I'm putting off calling xMil because I am just angry at her and don't want to lash out on her. She told me this morning when I came and got the kids that if I needed help with the kids, xA is willing too EXCEPT only if it's at our house...um no. because the court said that would be to hard for the police to monitor.I know her job isn't to watch my kids, which she isn't really since xA is for most part..its at night and you just feed them and put them to bed!
I was upset she told me, infront of the kids that, "We like to have their quite nights and be able to watch tv without cartoons on. We love them to death but need a break from them." ...Yeah they are only 3 and 4, but you just don't say that INFRONT of them, fine yeah you need a break. exA's dad was there too this morning and just plain grumpy with me, didn't even say hi. I'm so sensitive!
Okay well things are coming together nicely.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I've got some choice words for you MIL....
But I'm not that person anymore so I won't share them!
She needs a good prayer.., "God bless and have a great day", that will work for now
SOOOOO Awesome you found another option!!! It's amazing what's out there, if we step back and take a look. Things fall into place sometimes, just like they are supposed to!
But I'm not that person anymore so I won't share them!
She needs a good prayer.., "God bless and have a great day", that will work for now
SOOOOO Awesome you found another option!!! It's amazing what's out there, if we step back and take a look. Things fall into place sometimes, just like they are supposed to!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
LS2...I am so happy for you that you found your own means to make your life work. Such an empowering approach to take. Maybe leave your MIL alone for a while. She sounds as of she isn't handling this situation well and best to find someone to care for your kids who actually WILL care for your kids.
Keep up the great progress...you'll be so happy that you didn't let these people stop you from achieving your goals, and your kids will be proud of their Mom as they get older for not letting herself be steamrolled by others.
Keep up the great progress...you'll be so happy that you didn't let these people stop you from achieving your goals, and your kids will be proud of their Mom as they get older for not letting herself be steamrolled by others.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lindsey))) - I'm so glad you found someone else to watch the kids. It sounds, to me, like your XAH and MIL are using this as a way to manipulate you into doing what THEY want, not what the court ordered, not what is best for your kids.
You're about done with school, will be more independent and you've found someone else to watch the kids. It's a win-win situation for everyone EXCEPT the XAH, and he (and your MIL) can realize the consequences of their actions. From what I've read here, they will complain about keeping the kids, needing a break, then when the kids are somewhere else, and you don't NEED them to watch them anymore, they'll start whining about "I need to see the kids". They're sick....you're doing what's right and healthy for you and your kids.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
You're about done with school, will be more independent and you've found someone else to watch the kids. It's a win-win situation for everyone EXCEPT the XAH, and he (and your MIL) can realize the consequences of their actions. From what I've read here, they will complain about keeping the kids, needing a break, then when the kids are somewhere else, and you don't NEED them to watch them anymore, they'll start whining about "I need to see the kids". They're sick....you're doing what's right and healthy for you and your kids.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I agree with all that has been said. The closer you get to freedom, the more obstacles will be thrown up to slow you down.
It is what addicts do.
It is what their enablers do.
We do it to ourselves without realizing it before we see the cage we've built around ourselves.
You are doing what everyone has to do when the moment of truth comes. An obstacle gets put in front of you...like xMIL trying to throw a wrench in the works...you step back and consider your options and you take the obstacle head on and get it out of the picture.
Child care managed. xAH and xMIL out of the loop. School remains underway.
Now that's what I call putting on the big girl panties and getting it done!
Being frustrated with them is an entirely different matter, though. Only time and working through letting the anger go will do. You'll never change either of them, only change the way you view them.
Alice
It is what addicts do.
It is what their enablers do.
We do it to ourselves without realizing it before we see the cage we've built around ourselves.
You are doing what everyone has to do when the moment of truth comes. An obstacle gets put in front of you...like xMIL trying to throw a wrench in the works...you step back and consider your options and you take the obstacle head on and get it out of the picture.
Child care managed. xAH and xMIL out of the loop. School remains underway.
Now that's what I call putting on the big girl panties and getting it done!
Being frustrated with them is an entirely different matter, though. Only time and working through letting the anger go will do. You'll never change either of them, only change the way you view them.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
Don't quit school. Don't give them your life.
I know how you MIL feels. I'm over 60 and frankly little kids running around would tire me out too. But, I sure wouldn't quit on you when you are so close to your goal--especially when your graduation means a better life for her grandchildren. Sorry if I'm being rude here. But your MIL sounds like a real horses patoot.
Borrow the money if you have to pay a babysitter. Any chance a friend or maybe someone from a church group could help you out?
Have you contacted Social Services? Post a notice on the college bulletin board. Do you have a mom or some other relative who could come stay with you for a few days?
I know how you MIL feels. I'm over 60 and frankly little kids running around would tire me out too. But, I sure wouldn't quit on you when you are so close to your goal--especially when your graduation means a better life for her grandchildren. Sorry if I'm being rude here. But your MIL sounds like a real horses patoot.
Borrow the money if you have to pay a babysitter. Any chance a friend or maybe someone from a church group could help you out?
Have you contacted Social Services? Post a notice on the college bulletin board. Do you have a mom or some other relative who could come stay with you for a few days?
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