dancingnow

Throughout our marriage I was the one who handled the finances. AH is functioning and has good job, we made ends meet and kids get to do school activities, nothing fancy. Since AH is moved out, I took a job to cover some of the payments and save some $.

He agreed to having separate accounts and me keep managing the money and putting in a set amount per month for him. (This was best for my peace of mind, as he is so self-absorbed he cannot even take the time to deal with managing his own money and I don't want to pay the consequences for that.)

AH is attempting to get a lawyer for his DUI and he is asking me to put money that I put aside in savings in his account for a retainer. Most of the money I saved is already targeted for specific things that need fixing for the house and also as a safety net as my job is contract.

I basically told AH I was planning to put in the set amount and he said he needed more this week and he is getting additional $ that will cover it next month. I told him couldn't do it because there were other expenses that had to be covered.

My problem is I am so incensed about how he is handling this DUI, getting himself a high-priced lawyer instead of paying the consequences for his actions. I don't know anything about DUIs but I just think he should pay the consequences, as it is he doesn't seem to even have any remorse about his actions - my DS was almost in the car with him, but told him he didn't want to go at the time and than he went and had an accident and he is still not going to AA.

I know I cannot force him to seek recovery but I feel like he no matter what I do it is going to end up in a bad way. Right now I am just going to tell him, it can't be covered this week and he will have to deal with it.

wanttobehealthy

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes but what popped into my head as "advice" was this:

If you can't afford a lawyer, or not the one he wants, tell him so and if you have a legal separation agreement that deals with finances, make this a part of it.

My H was arrested for assaulting me and like an idiot I hired a lawyer instantly to help "save" him from paying the price for his actions. And now having lost my job unexpectedly and owing a lawyer a LOT of money, I regret that decision I made ENORMOUSLY.

If a lawyer is not in the budget he can get a public defender or defend himself and pay for the consequences of his choices.

You certainly shouldn't have to shuffle other bills that impact the whole family simply so he can have an expensive lawyer to save his butt. The time to think about saving his butt was when he picked up that first drink the day he got the DUI.

Just my 2 cents from someone who made BAD financial decisions involving a lawyer and trying to help my H.

dancingnow

It seems this is all coming down to my AH totally disregard for my judgement and how we handle our money even though I have been doing it for the past 20 years. We are fortunate to have a roof over our heads and no major debt but not much saved until I started working which was what I always planned when the kids got older.

It simply is he is too pigheaded to get a contract with a lawyer before he plunks down a few thousand dollars as a retainer. I am tired of keeping my mouth shut and avoiding hurting his ego, because he can't accept that I have a brain in my head and want to make the best choices about where the money goes and how it will affect what is available for my kids college education. Not too mention he basically has made no financial decisions accept to passive aggressively not spend any money on anything as long as it doesn't interfere with his drinking.

I am ranting here. Every time I turn around the situation seems to scream at me - there is no way I can have a rational discussion with AH.

Just wanted to add some more ranting - so what if I'm challenged in the housekeeping end of things, so what if I prefer to have fun with my kids and make breakfast for dinner, so what if I need more time than most people to plan a family with 3 kids schedules before I am available to listen to AH stresses and troubles at work. So what, so what, so what. I still make sure I am available at some point and I don't say nasty things and I recognize what I am good and not good at and I don't drown myself in alcohol.

AAAAAHHHHHHH. Is this the storm before the calm or am I just finally recognizing where the downward spiral that alcohol, lies and manipulation leads to.

StarCat

I was constantly bailing XABF out of things.
He'd spend more than he could afford to pay on his American Express card, so I'd send him money for that.
He'd insist on purchasing things we didn't need, and so I'd be left balancing the budget and trying to figure out how to pay for things we did need.
He'd do something stupid, and end up with another traffic ticket, which would then be paid of our my desperate attempts at savings - wiping them out again. And he'd spend all day complaining about "the arrogant cop" and ignore me except to ask why I looked so stressed out (and getting mad when I told him the answer).

The end result was that I got myself into $30k debt (would have been MUCH MORE if I had allowed him to continue with the Christmas plans), and meanwhile I lived for over a year without anything that I needed, right down to basic necessities like cheap bras that actually fit - because there wasn't any money left for me.

You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to be financially responsible.
You have no requirement to bail him out of yet another mess he has caused for himself.

nodaybut2day

Dancingnow...a clean house isn't as important as being PRESENT for your kids. When you die someday far from now, it probably won't be written something like "Here lies Dancingnow...she kept a really clean house"....because no one cares!

I hope you stand your ground and refuse to bail your AH out of the hole he dug for himself.

Carol Star

My X spent $5,000. on a DUI lawyer and still did 6 months in jail. It doesn't seem fair you are paying for his. His choices/ his consequences.....but I know how it goes in marriage and joint accounts......