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Old 03-29-2011, 05:33 AM
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Unhappy Ouch

Sunday night I was with my RABF. We were having a good time until he asked me if I 1. Ever mentioned him in an Al-Anon Share (I do, but not by name) 2. Ever wrote about him in my recovery journal (I do, but the journal is only for me) and 3. Ever talked to my best friend about him (DUH!).

He didn't like my answers and called me a blabbermouth. He then put his coat on, went out the door of his apartment and drove away. He was gone about 20 minutes, during which time I was so confused.

When he got back he said "I'm done for tonight, I need a break." Followed by "Don't freak out." So I got my coat on and started out the door. He then handed me two cigarettes and said "Don't buy a pack, here's a couple for you." (I stopped smoking 9 months ago but stress sometimes brings on the urge.) I told him I loved him and I was sorry (not sure what I am sorry for) and he hugged me and said "I know" and then said "Don't freak out" again.

So I left. I didn't freak out. I didn't cry. It hurts like hell but I am working on shutting down. I haven't heard from him since. We are supposed to have lunch with my grams on Thursday and I did send him an IM asking if I should cancel that...he did not respond.

I don't know what to do. I almost wish he had been drinking so I could understand his actions. Meetings, journalling and my best friend have never been a secret to him and he has known all along that he gets brought up with all three...so why the sudden flip out on me?

Oh, his daughter did figure out the night before that he is dating...after she perused his sent messages in his cell phone (violation of privacy anyone?) He was very upset that she found out as we had not planned to let the children in on this until we were more sure of our relationship and of his recovery.

I guess I just needed to vent. I have set an "expiration date" of 3/31/2011 at 11 pm for him to contact me. If he does not contact me by that point (that's four days to pout, shouldn't that be enough?) I will end it. I don't WANT to end it but I don't want to feel OUCH all the time anymore either.

Thanks for listening. (If he ever finds this board I am sure my relationship will be toast...)
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:34 AM
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I'm no expert -- in ANY area -- but to me it looks like he was seeking a reason to drink.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:39 AM
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That's what I was thinking the "don't freak out" stuff was about. Like, you're going to find out I drank but don't freak out.

This is just my opinion, but it seems like this relationship is so tenuous. Everyone seems to be so touchy about everything and it seems that every few days, you are wondering if the relationship is going to end. A healthy relationship isn't like that. At all.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:41 AM
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You should be allowed to have your own thoughts, conversations, and friends. The 3 mentioned things are your safe outlet to get out what is happening in your life, and two of them are anonymous - so to me it seems controlling to make you feel guilty for sharing in that manner.
Really, all of those outlets are for *you* not for him. By having to go along with an idea that you can not vent to through journal-ing or alanon or your best friend, means you would be saying *yes* to him and *no* to you. Your own sanity and needs are just as (if not more) important than his desire to keep things private.
Also, think about what he could be so worried about - could it be people will call out his BS to you?
P.S. even if he can't/won't come...go out with your grams anyways
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:44 AM
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I agree, he was looking for an excuse.

As for finding the board, do this.

In IE, come to the board using "in private" browsing. With Firefox, there are several steps I take(I rarely use IE)
I have internet options set to "delete history when browser is closed". Nothing shows in the location bar except the current website. I type SR in by hand, no bookmark. Firefox also has private browsing that would do the same thing, I'm just not used to using that, and the way I do it works for me too.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:47 AM
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Hi Pickme,

I have an AH who 'flips out' if he thinks that I have been talking about him. He doesn't like me vising SR, Al-anon or going to therapy and sometimes makes comments about me going and talking about him again. He certainly doesn't like me emailing my mum and best friend and has demanded to look at my emails before so he can check what I am saying to them.

I dont care! Thats his problem not mine and I have changed my password, so he cant see anymore. As my therapist pointed out, I wouldn't be visiting this site or talking about how his alcoholism is effecting me with my mum and best friend, if he wasn't an alcoholic. I do what I need to do to stay healthy, to learn and for support whether he likes it or not.

I think that it has something to do with alcoholics egos. I know mine thinks he is the worlds worst person, often calling himself names and seems to find other people knowing about him too much to bear. There is also a part of the disease that thrives on secrecy and some alcoholics will make their partners feel guilty for even discussing the problem outside of the home. That is not healthy for the partner who will need support or Al-anon for their own sake and often secrecy allows the disease to continue.

Have you tried Al-anon Pickme? It could help whether you exit the relationship or not. You are entitled to discuss what is troubling you with other people that you choose without being called a blabbermouth. Please dont take what you RABF said to you, to heart, it is a pretty normal, unreasonable response for an alcoholic to say, sober or not. Just because he says it doesn't mean its true.
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Eight Ball View Post
Have you tried Al-anon Pickme? It could help whether you exit the relationship or not. You are entitled to discuss what is troubling you with other people that you choose without being called a blabbermouth. Please dont take what you RABF said to you, to heart, it is a pretty normal, unreasonable response for an alcoholic to say, sober or not. Just because he says it doesn't mean its true.
Yes. I am in Al-Anon. I thought I mentioned that in my original post. I am currently on day 10 of doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I have been going at least 4 x a week since February 17. Originally he was supportive, Sunday he was not.

I don't see him calling me before his "expiration date" so I guess he won't be my problem anymore after that. I love him but I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.
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Old 03-29-2011, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post
Yes. I am in Al-Anon. I thought I mentioned that in my original post. I am currently on day 10 of doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I have been going at least 4 x a week since February 17. Originally he was supportive, Sunday he was not.

I don't see him calling me before his "expiration date" so I guess he won't be my problem anymore after that. I love him but I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Good for you for going to meetings. They are very helpful if you are open to changing yourself.

Bad for you to be emotionally yanked around. That is lousy. I understand - having been on that ride for too long. Don't set an expiration date for him. Set one for yourself.
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Old 03-29-2011, 10:47 AM
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(If he ever finds this board I am sure my relationship will be toast...)
And it probably should be... bc if he has such a problem with you seeking support then he is in no way interested or committed to recovery.

I think as others have said he was looking for a reason to drink, a reason to fuel resentments and I hope you know deep down that his awful reactions is not about you AND that you have every right and then some to talk about your life with whomever you want.

I've been in the same shoes and it was around my AH having an issue that I talked to my best friend about my life... He actually said "this is something that should stay between these 4 walls"... Yeah okay... Keep the family secret! NOT!

He knew full well he didn't have an issue with my talking to my best friend-- his issue was he was pissed he was sober and was miserable bc he was not doing a damn thing about recovery. He still has this childlike thinking that "if I stop drinking it will all get better" or "If W (me) is not around it will all be better". Well, I'm not around now and he's supposedly not drinking and he's still miserable.

Hope one day he realizes that nothing changes unless something changes. He keeps doing the same thing and expecting different results-- he is the poster child for "terminal uniqueness" thinking..

Sorry for the ramble... your bf is an alcoholic, he is not in recovery, he wants to find an easy excuse to drink and will do so. Good for you for leaving without a scene-- that (a scene) is what he wanted.

I've noticed that when I started changing how I reacted (or didn't) to my AH his silent treatment grew. For a long time it worked as a way to suck me back in. I'm grateful it doesn't so much anymore.
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Old 03-29-2011, 12:25 PM
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I agree with previous posters, pickme, you did nothing at all to be sorry for.
He is doing what alcoholics do...deflecting.

Good for you for not taking the bait. Might be the best thing that could ever happen if he doesn't call.
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Old 03-29-2011, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post

I don't see him calling me before his "expiration date" so I guess he won't be my problem anymore after that. I love him but I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.
I think I understand why you are doing the expiration date thing (it gives him a chance to redeem himself, so you don't have to feel too heartless about breaking things off), but I would gently encourage you to reconsider.

You could decide to be done with the relationship now, and then you wouldn't have to wait around for him to do whatever he is (or isn't) going to do. It doesn't sound like you want him to call anyway. What if he calls on 3/31 at 10:59pm or even at 11:05pm? Will you still give him a chance? Why?

This is your life, and it seems like you are taking positive steps in your recovery, so why mess around with that by setting up this somewhat arbitrary scenario? I don't mean to sound harsh; I know this is difficult and confusing and I wish you all the best.
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Old 03-29-2011, 07:24 PM
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Sorry he is reacting that way. The fact that he is reactive to your need for support is troubling on another level, it is never good to isolate or to pressure someone (i.e. a girlfriend) to not reach out to others for support. It is unhealthy and controlling to me.

It is tough to be in your situation.

Funny because my 'guy' would say stuff like "don't freak out" or "don't trip". Wonder where that comes from or what the heck it actually means. If you figure that out, let me know

I assume he isn't in AA? I can't remember your story in full but I feel for you. Just keep doing what you are doing for yourself regardless of what you decide to do. If it were me I'd ask him why he had a reaction to his question when you responded. Would be nice to know what he was 'freaking' out about.
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Old 03-29-2011, 08:13 PM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post
Yes. I am in Al-Anon. I thought I mentioned that in my original post. I am currently on day 10 of doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I have been going at least 4 x a week since February 17. Originally he was supportive, Sunday he was not.

I don't see him calling me before his "expiration date" so I guess he won't be my problem anymore after that. I love him but I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Sorry, I missed your Al-anon mention in your original post.

Good for you - stay strong. You sound like a very switched on person who will make the right choice. Unfortunately for me, I have been married for 22yrs and although I tell myself that 'I cant live like this' I find it almost impossible to leave, thats part of the disease too but again good for you for having the strength and wisdom to move on. I hope to get there one day.
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Old 03-30-2011, 03:11 AM
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post

Sorry for the ramble... your bf is an alcoholic, he is not in recovery, he wants to find an easy excuse to drink and will do so. Good for you for leaving without a scene-- that (a scene) is what he wanted.
.
He IS in recovery. He did not drink that night. We are taking a break at my request though.

I won't be posting anymore because clearly I am unable to post in a manner that is clear. I AM in Al-Anon and he IS in recovery. Somehow I have managed to not make that clear in multiple posts.

Thank you to everyone for your opinion, even if the only real opinion is "dump him."
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Old 03-30-2011, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post
He IS in recovery. He did not drink that night. We are taking a break at my request though.

I won't be posting anymore because clearly I am unable to post in a manner that is clear. I AM in Al-Anon and he IS in recovery. Somehow I have managed to not make that clear in multiple posts.

Thank you to everyone for your opinion, even if the only real opinion is "dump him."
I guess I am confused.... you described a scene where he is treating you badly- you said that if he didn't reply or get in touch you'd be done by a certain date- the behaviors you describe on his part don't sound like someone in recovery and speaking just for me, I was trying to offer you support and encouragement and say that you deserve to be treated better.

If what you want to hear is that things sound good and you should stick it out and that we think your bf will change etc... I am afraid that I, for one, can't offer that.

I do hope you will continue to post and I am sorry that things are difficult for you right now. You deserve to be happy and it didn't sound in your post like your bf contributes to that...
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Old 03-30-2011, 06:24 AM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post
He IS in recovery. He did not drink that night. We are taking a break at my request though.

I won't be posting anymore because clearly I am unable to post in a manner that is clear. I AM in Al-Anon and he IS in recovery. Somehow I have managed to not make that clear in multiple posts.

Thank you to everyone for your opinion, even if the only real opinion is "dump him."
I have re-read all the posts and I dont think there was one that was telling you to 'dump him'. The general consensus is that he is trying to purposely 'produce' a negative atmosphere so that he can drink and make it your fault. Many alcoholics including mine try this tact regularly - its blame shifting. You sound like you handled the situation really well, by walking away with minimum fuss (detaching). But, I stick with my original post that you have nothing to feel bad about confiding to your friend/Al-anon about your current circumstances.

On SR, we aren't supposed to tell someone what to do, we are meant to offer our strength, hopes and experiences, based on what we have been through with our own alcoholics.

I was talking with my psychotherapist tonight about how I believe that healthy minded woman wouldnt put up with a tenth of what I put up with from my AH and why I do. For me its a learned experience from being and growing with my husband since I was 15yrs old. The unacceptable behavior that I put up with says more about me than him. I am getting mentally stronger through Al-anon and therapy and my toleration levels have reduced rapidly.

I am sorry that I missed that you were at Al-anon, sometimes I am reading the threads at work and only have a limited amount of time to read and reply if I feel moved to. Sometimes I struggle to get to the point too, or waffle and forget the point that I was trying to make.

On SR we are all here to support one another and I have gained such a lot from coming here, I hope that you keep coming here too.
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by PickMe View Post
He IS in recovery. He did not drink that night.
I think there is a communication misunderstanding here.
In recovery doesn't mean not drinking. Not drinking doesn't fix the problem, it's just the first part of fixing the problem.
In recovery means "Is he working a program? Is he going to AA, or rehab, or a therapist, or doing other things to sort out all the stuff behind the drinking, and all the learned behaviors?"



Hang in there, PickMe.
Keep working on yourself, and your own program, and things will change for the better.
Maybe he'll get better, and you two will get back together.
Maybe he'll get better, and both of you will decide you grew in different directions.
Maybe he won't get better, but you will get better, and you can find your future somewhere else.

Nobody knows the ending. All of us just do what we feel is the best thing at the time, and keep moving in what looks like a forward direction.

More will be revealed.

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Old 03-30-2011, 05:35 PM
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I second StarCat....

It can get confusing when people start discussing 'recovery' both in the drinker and in the partner.

I think people mean that even if the alcoholic is in a program and abstaining from drinking, he isn't living a life OF recovery.

Abstaining and going to AA or even being in rehab isn't 'recovery' unless they do the actual work to change (living the steps, improving/mending relationships, being accountable for their actions, etc).

Hope this helps.

I am the last person to say to get away from the situation because the fact that you are posting tells me that you have a self awareness and will know what it is you need to do.

As painful (and heck even annoying) as it is to hear things that upset us, I try to use it as just information gathered to help me with my own situation.

Come back!
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:35 PM
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Clarification on my thoughts...sometimes I really need to vent. Just straight out vent. I don't have anywhere to really do that as I try to keep my sharing at Al-anon about me and not my qualifier.

I should probably take my venting to my journal.

Thanks for the words. I will continue to read other people's posts and posts 'hugs' and 'prayers' when appropriate.
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:38 PM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
I think there is a communication misunderstanding here.
In recovery doesn't mean not drinking. Not drinking doesn't fix the problem, it's just the first part of fixing the problem.
In recovery means "Is he working a program? Is he going to AA, or rehab, or a therapist, or doing other things to sort out all the stuff behind the drinking, and all the learned behaviors?"
He is not drinking. He is working the steps through AA with a sponsor. He in not in "therapy" but he has been talking things out with a priest. He just finished step four and it was a very difficult step for him and now he is working on step 5. I believe in him and his recovery.

Yes. We are together still. No, it's not perfect, but there is progress.
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