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just having a rough day...

Old 03-28-2011, 07:07 PM
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just having a rough day...

after my conversation this weekend with my husband, I happened to see him on the highway on the way home. I actually had to merge in front of him. He hung back and got lost in traffic-COWARD. But I keep having this overwhelming feeling of sadness because I realize how sick he is- not just the alcohol but I think he has a real mental illness.
Its like watching someone who has a brain tumor who does not want treatment.
I know it is a good thing that we are separated because I would be so obsessed with trying to make him better. The distance makes it easier not to focus on him and focus on me instead.
I just keep thinking about my marriage vows and how I promised "in sickness and in health.".
I have let him know I am here for him if he wants to talk and have not called or made contact unless there is a house related matter. I will email him occasionally with information and trust that he reads it but don't expect a response. I am letting him call the shots.
It's what he wants, its what is healthy for me.
I'm just feeling sad at the situation and how there is nothing I can do..
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:13 PM
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I had this last night. But guess what? My AH turned on me tonight by saying this tough love act I'm giving is not working for him. He feels abandoned when he needed me the most... Guess what? He's not getting it. I am... Feels better on my side of the fence for once. I'm not a spiteful person, just crazy how he doesn't know or remember how much he's hurt me in 2 years... He doesn't realize I am giving him the opportunity to grow up and stand on his own 2 feet. While I am getting back up on mine to - to stop enabling. Prayers for you
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:20 PM
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Yeah, I get hung up in the "in sickness and in health" part. But...realistically...if the shoe were on the other foot (and I was the alcoholic) how long would he put up with me? Doubtful it would be for long, especially if he had kids to protect.

The hardest part of all of this is giving up the role of "wife" in my definition of it. And then I remind myself that he has yet to be a "husband" so why bother? Keep it in perspective.
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:31 PM
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((jamaicame)) hugs to you.

It's tough and I felt the same way too but after over a year of trying to "fix" the problems and also thinking AH has "mental issues" I realize that taking care of my self is upholding my vow of being there in sickness and in health.

If I don't take care of myself there is no way I am going to be here for anyone, KWIM.

I finally realized that it is not ok for me to support my AH choice to not seek sobriety and recovery. If he is choosing this path and I am left trying to hold the marriage together instead of following a path of healthy recovery for myself than I am not upholding the vows of marriage.

I am so grateful for the direction I am heading, separated from my AH and look forward to gaining back more of my lost self and energy.

Have you tried alanon, that is very helpful to me.

Many people say A's break wedding vows of love, honor and cherish - I am starting to believe that my vow of love, honor and cherish means leaving my AH alone to seek and embrace the treatment and recovery that he needs if he makes that choice.
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Old 03-28-2011, 07:48 PM
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How can taking a vow of marriage in sickness and in health remain relative when the sickness is by choice?? Certainly refusing treatment for a brain tumor would be a choice made for many reasons, but then would the bearer of the tumor force the suffering on the family or attempt to lead the best quality of life they could.

I struggled with the idea of my EX being ill and turning my back on him. When I realized there was choice involved that changed my thinking. He chose in full knowledge to remain ill and not seek treatment. He also chose to make his illness a burden to his family and friends.

When I had a cold, he stayed away to avoid catching it rather than provide any nursing of me and to him that was defense of my imposing my cold upon him. When I stayed away to avoid the abuse his alcoholism fostered, he called that abandonment.

Discussion abounds on these boards over addiction being a disease, but is addiction really what marriage vows were written to encompass? Somehow, I don't think so.

You're having a rough one, and for that I'm sorry. Please hang on to the positives today. It is just one day and you can start anew tomorrow. The clouds do part and the sun does shine.

Alice
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