I'm Pretty Much Horrible

Old 03-28-2011, 03:29 PM
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I'm Pretty Much Horrible

So he's been out of rehab, still doing the outpatient program though, for about 10 days.

Things are back and forth. For a few days it's OK, for a few days it's miserable.

I'm not sure what I want right now. I want things to be OK, I want them to be normal. On the other hand, I don't know if I can forgive him.

Our engagement ... he was drunk for the proposal.

Our honeymoon ... he yelled at me in the middle of the Las Vegas strip because I "never let [him] do what [he] wants." Tens, maybe even hundreds of people staring at me. I've never felt so small.

He's working the program ... sort of. He's going to meetings ... generally. He's not reading his literature though. He doesn't have a permanent sponsor yet. He found one he might want as his sponsor, but he's not there yet. I know it's a process. I know it's one step at a time.

Our family counselor through rehab told me that if he makes it through the program, he'll be the least selfish and most amazing man I've ever met. How long do I have to wait for some of that to start?

We've been married for almost 7 months. The wedding thank you's he said he'd write? They're still sitting on the floor by his desk. Now he says "I think it's just too late." No, it's never too late to say thank you. It's never too late to say I'm sorry.

He's working 10 hours/week for $8/hour. He hasn't started looking for another job. He "mentioned" to the guy at Starbucks he'd submitted an application with that the new job "wasn't what he expected." That's the extent of it before he paid $2.50 for the coffee and drove away. $2.50 that wasn't his to spend because he doesn't have a job. $2.50 he spent when he could have used the Folger's sitting on the effing counter.

I go back and forth. Sometimes I'm OK with things, I want to start a family, I want to make our life amazing.

For the most part, I can't look him in the eye. I can't kiss him. I can't anything. I just feel ... numb.

I hate that he sleeps in still until 10 or 11a. Hours he could be spending with his daughter, or fixing the paint in the house, or any one of 100 things he's "promised" to do for months and months.

He doesn't seem to get it though, why I'm frustrated. I need to be "patient." Yes, I've been insanely patient so far. I feel myself moving away and I don't know how to get back to being "us." I don't know if I should be waiting for that. I'm 27. How long will it take? A year? OK. 5 years? Not OK.

I didn't envision marrying a man who was OK making $80/week. I didn't envision this man being OK with that ... but I guess I was blinded. I didn't imagine being with someone who couldn't put in the effort to take care of his own family, to take care of me.

Thanks for the flowers you bought ... with the check I earned working my butt off. It just breeds resentment.

Sometimes I wish he'd just take a drink so I could leave. Sometimes I wish he'd just tell me to leave.

I'm truly lost. Off to an Al-Anon meeting, yes. Still could use advice.
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:33 PM
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same planet...different world
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how about one of these
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:38 PM
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I hear you! I'm in the same boat! Married 8 mths, want to start a family (but will not), putting my life on hold... ugh! so frustrating. I go to 2 meetings a week plus counseling one day, he maybe makes 1 meeting a week and counseling every other week. I think I am just preparing myself with the tools to leave. How embarrassing though, divorced before the one year mark! My counselor said also if he makes it through treatment and stays in recovery it will be awesome. Not sure I am in for that long haul! Try separating. I have. It is a wonderful feeling! Not that I don't have weak moments, had one last night... but no chaos in the house... doesn't get much better then that after I work my butt off too. BTW, I got 2 dozen roses with my hard earned money - he should have paid down on the credit card he ran up in my name!

I'm out to Al-Anon too! No advice just know you are not alone!
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:41 PM
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Sorry you are going through this, I know it's hard. You don't need his permission to leave. You really sound like you need some time away from him in order to clear your head and get a clearer picture of what you truly want. That doesn't mean you have to divorce him, it just means that you deserve some time to take care of yourself and see if this marriage is going to work out.

One thing I would strongly suggest is that you do not get pregnant anytime soon.
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Old 03-28-2011, 04:30 PM
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Hate that you are disillusioned. It sounds as if you may just be unhappy with your marriage period. It would be a shame to just wait around till he drinks to let him know. The odds are unfortunately that he will however. That is just the odds. As for observing whether or not he is working his program or not you really can't. It is his deal only and what works for some doesn't work for others in spite of what the party line may be. Really maybe its time to take inventory and see what would make you happy. If you are expecting miraculous changes in who you married after he gets sober, I wouldn't. There is a saying something to the effect, "If you sober up a drunken horse thief, you just get a better horse thief." Hope I don't sound negative, but it might be prudent to take stock in what you really want and make plans accordingly.
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Old 03-28-2011, 05:59 PM
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Thanks all, so far, for the advice. I really appreciate it. I can dole it out, but I just suck at following my own!

In response to some of the responses ... Yeah, never thought I would be here. On the other hand, if I think about it, it is no shock. I knew he was an A when I married him. I just wanted to be married so badly. And I do love him even though my disappointment in how things have turned out is soaking through my post.

My marriage has been miserable thus far, so, yes, it is fair to say I am not happy in my marriage. At all. But there are those times he just gives me hope and that is what makes it so darn confusing. Things can be miserable, and then he starts to come back from the edge. He tells me (I see the manipulation) of how scared he is to lose me. I know he is at least partially telling the truth, but also partially he is enjoying skating on his free ride (it's not like he can pay the mortgage). He claims he has never intentionally taken advantag of me ... Maybe so, but something that looks and sounds like a duck is usually a duck.

I want to have hope and that is where I am struggling. Right now, I just feel so tired. I left for my Al-Anon meeting tonight and didn't tell him. He texted an hour or so later (he was sleeping when I left of course) and asked here I was. I told him and just said my heart is confused. It really is. The man I am with is not one I want to raise children with because I know I will do all the work. I don't want to grow old with this man because I know that I I'll br sitting on the front porch alone while he plays video games or otherwise is distractd/isolating. But the man who he has been in the past? I want to do this things with that guy.

I wish it was black and white. Wouldn't that be beautiful? I think so.
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Old 03-28-2011, 06:00 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
One thing I would strongly suggest is that you do not get pregnant anytime soon.
Without a doubt, thank you! Plus that would imply I actually wanted to do the dirty with him at this point. :-)
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Old 03-28-2011, 06:17 PM
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A work in progress
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His having hope doesn't depend on you. He has hope whether you stick around or not.

Even assuming he recovers fully, he won't be the person you thought you knew before. Recovery changes a person completely. It's really up to you if you have the patience to wait and see what happens. No crime if you don't.

Keep going to Al-Anon and think about what changes YOU can make in YOURSELF that would make you a happier person.
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:08 PM
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Well, they don't usually get better. So if you don't like the way he is, leave. It is not easy. Never is. I would not wish the last 20 years of my life living in an alcoholic marriage on anyone. And mine didn't start acting like that for at least 10 years.

Less than a year? Sorry, you were sold a bill of goods. I'd ask for a refund. You don't need anyone's permission to leave and have a happy, normal life. You don't need him to act a certain way to justify your reaction. He has already done enough that most people would be done. But people like us just keep hoping they will "see the light" and fix it. They can't. They are utterly broken.

You can't have a normal relationship with an abnormal person. You can't have a reasonable discussion with someone who is unreasonable. You can't have a marriage where just one of the parties is committed. But you can have your cake and eat it, as you walk out the door.
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Old 03-28-2011, 09:02 PM
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Welcome! You're in the right place.
Keep reading.
Check out the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It really helped me.

The thing that struck me was this:

Sometimes I wish he'd just take a drink so I could leave. Sometimes I wish he'd just tell me to leave.

I GET this.
What is a good ENOUGH reason to leave a marriage? It feels like nothing.
I have a wonderful husband...when he's not sneaking, hiding, grumping, or lying about alcohol. And honestly, that is not often.
How could I leave all the good stuff? And how could I break my marriage vows?

Well, I will tell you what, sister, I read my butt off here. What I found was women that were beaten (!) by their husbands and wondering how they could break their marriage vows!
So, am I waiting to be treated like that much dirt?
If I were to suppress myself to the point that I could ALLOW myself to be that abused, is it possible even THEN I would be looking at the NEXT level of awful and rationalizing that if THAT happened, then I'd really feel justified in leaving? Yes. It's possible.

It NEVER feels good to leave. So, if we are waiting for it to feel right or justified or okay or good, we'll stay forever.

You don't need a "better" reason than the list you've already given to say you want a separation.
You deserve to be treated well.
It doesn't feel good and that, my dear, is enough.

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Old 03-28-2011, 11:47 PM
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A marriage isn't built upon promises and potential, it is about give and take and partnership. Sounds like you have two kids.

This could just be who he really is. But he could also be depressed and his number one coping tool, the booze! is no longer an option. I'm sure he is struggling but his motivation (or lack of) seems to be an indicator of something else. Hard to say. You know him best.

At some point you will have to step back emotionally before real resentments do start to build. The fact that you are reflecting on all of this is great actually, it is a first step to making whatever change (within or without the marriage) you need.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:06 AM
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I have been with my AH for 15 years. I am still waiting for him to be the man I know I deserve
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:30 AM
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I saw very on in my marriage that I had made a HUGE mistake because of his alcoholism. I should have divorced him after three months. But yet I waited for things to get better. They never did. I divorced him after six years. My only regret is not having done it sooner. I lived in a world of insanity that to this day I'm not completely over.

Hugs to you.
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:58 AM
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Well, 10 days is VERY early, but one meeting a week doesnt sound that committed.

My story,
My RAH came out of rehab. He was a fall dwn drunk when he went in, was a mess, had lied, cheated on me, neglected our child financially and emotionally. HE put himself in, because he wanted to change his life. He wanted to get off the drug of alcohol, and be a good man.

He had no idea what living in reality was like. And he came out, slept til 1-2pm each day for two months. I put out some boundaries. He would do as I asked, after I would get so angry that I was ranting. Then he would chastise me for being such an angry resentful person.
He went to some meetings, then less. He average abt one every 2 weeks, after a month and a half. Little changes were made, but I had to fight for it, which is not what I thoguht life was going to be like. Our son was so happy to have his daddy, but his daddy was only available to do things on his terms, on his timeframe.

He was not committed to living well, but was committed to being physically sober. All the other stuff is stuff that he wants to feel above. He is a 32 year old man, with the life skills and emotional skills of a teenager.

I struggled with him and the boundaries for 3 months before I realized he had stopped meetings all together, was hanging out at a bar. Not drinking, but not recovering.
He now lives outside the home, and is approaching 6 months sober, but, he still has a lot of work to do. With him out of my everyday dynamic, I am able to have a more stable life, less resentment, and he is facing his issues without the built in escape hatch of scapegoating me or our relationship in order to deflect the discomfort of his lack of skills.

He is now being forced to make the changes for himself, and thats fine with me.

It wasnt what I had in mind. The truth is, physical sobriety is just a part of the work.

Have you made any boundaries, about his working? About him getting out of bed?
You cannot tell him what to do, but, you can be clear about what you dont want to LIVE with. Having a lump on the bed or the couch in your house is not a great time.

One boundary that I made early on, was about him seeking psych help for his non alcohol issues, another was around ACTIVE recovery. Meetings, etc.
When he didnt follow through on either, I got more and more angry, resentful, until I realized my boundaries had been violated just like they were when he was a drunk.

He hemmed and hawed about leaving until I forced his hand.
Now he is just beginning to see that was the right thing for all of us, and he is learning, but, not fast enough to live with us.

I am realistic about how much resentment I am willing to let continue to grow. I dont want that from a sober person, maybe more than I didnt want it from a drunk.
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Old 03-29-2011, 10:12 AM
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Not to sound mercenary, but...

Divorce laws may factor in the length of the marriage when calculating spousal support. So if you get out now, you may well end up without any obligation to support your $80/week spouse. But if you stay married too long before divorcing, you could end up having to send him a big check every month.

Maybe ask a lawyer about this?
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