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Old 03-27-2011, 07:27 PM
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Help!!!!

I just joined this sight and have been just reading so this is my first post. I have an AH his DOC has in the past has been meth but is now past 3-4 years been whiskey. We have been together for almost 19 years now.....not all fun. So his last time drunk in front of me was Wednesday, he drank on Thursday didn't get totally drunk (good buzz). Wednesday we fought really bad as usual he gets verbually abusive and says mean nasty things. Don't get me wrong I can give it right back, after all I've had 19 years to learn from the best. Of course for me it is all a front, defense mechanism so to speak. The next day I was really depressed over the fight. He called several times from work (did I mention he was a functional addict) and could tell by my voice I was really down. So, he shows up couple hours later with flowers, chocolate, and a card apologizing. Yippee....just what I needed chocolate to make me fat, flowers that are already dying like my love for him and a card with someone elseís thoughts and feelings in it. Didn't matter, I cried and hugged him and said thank you and I'm sorry too. Why fight when you don't have to, right. So, anyways that night when he gets home from work he tells me he is going to quit drinking so much. We are talking almost a bottle a night; he takes a few breaks here and there to catch up on his strength and sleep. So he has plans with friends in California, flies out on Friday not to be back until Tuesday. Great I'm thinking a break...yay me!!! So anyways when he gets back from California he is going to buy a small bottle on Saturday drink it on Sunday and when he is out he's out. Can't buy liquor here on Sundays and he won't drink beer.

So here is my problem....He is thousands of miles away, every phone conversation he has been drunk. I asked him when he was the least drunk not to call me anymore; I'll see him when he gets back. No good, keeps calling. So my little break has been stressful every time the phone rings I about jump out of my skin. So here is where it gets bad. I was out of the house returning movies and he calls. He is extremely drunk and is riding with his friendís friend and they were following other friends and got lost. So, he asked me to pull up a map to help him get to where they are going. I can't I am driving. Ok he says just hurry up and get home I need your help. So I pull over and use my cars gps to get the address and phone number for the hotel they are needing to get to. (all the while he is calling every 10 seconds asking if I'm home yet) I guess that wasn't good enough, just hurry and get home I don't have nothing to write with. (or more like too drunk to write) So, I get home pull up a map find out where he is and he's like 15 miles past the hotel. Now he is mad I told you to hurry, hope your happy, blah blah blah. I was already mad and didn't want to help anyways kinda seems to me like enabling??? idk??? So, he calls back seconds later and is yelling and screaming I hope you are happy I'm on the side of the interstate I jumped out of the vehicle dude I'm with wanted to go home (hours away from where he is now) and I got friends staying here. I ask why didn't you just have him stop somewhere for you? (I guess I should've asked if he was hurt, but I imagine it was a lie) Because we already stopped once and the cops was there and told us to stay put they was busy with something else and I told dude to get out of here before we got in trouble. Brilliant...so last I heard from him he found a Starbucks (one on every corner...lol) and was waiting for other friends to pick him up (who are drunk also)

He threatened to jump out in front of vehicles, end it all. It is all my fault what does he have to live for if I won't even help him out. What took me so long to get home was you at your boyfriend's house. Why did you do this to me? I don't ask for much.

I need help I realize that I can't keep doing this on my own so here is my first step!
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:51 PM
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You could stop answering the phone.

I hope you can get to an Al-anon meeting, reach out to a therapist, and call a domestic violence hot-line. With him away it will be easier to see things clearer than when he gets back imho.
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:57 PM
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He is a grown man, not a child. He can figure things out for himself. You aren't his mother and you aren't his travel agent. I agree...stop answering the phone. Stop doing things for him that he is perfectly able to do for himself.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:27 PM
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I agree, stop answering the phone. You told him not to call you when he's drunk, and you have no obligation to answer the phone at all. That's why God invented caller ID.

In fact, it seems to me there is no reason you need to talk to him at all while he's gone.

And YES, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. ASAP.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:28 PM
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I feel so guilty when I don't answer the phone. I feel guilty when I don't help. I feel really guilty now. He just called and has made it to the hotel. He says he is not drunk. I say then you need to get to the hospital you are slurring your words and maybe having a stroke or something. Oh ya he says ask anyone here I'm not drunk....like I'm going to listen to more drunks saying they are not drunk. So anyways he doesn't believe my story of taking movies back and wants receipts etc. when he gets home. He has a lot of trust issues with me. I've given him reason to. I have a lot of trust issues with him and he has given me lots of reasons also. I really don't know why we are still together.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:31 PM
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Go to Al-Anon and maybe you will figure it out.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:35 PM
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When a person goes to al-anon are they required to talk in front of other people? I have a big phobia about that? I sometimes find it hard even talking to a stanger in person.
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:47 PM
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You are not required to talk, you can just pass when it's your turn. I am shy about these things too and I have passed before. It might be nice just to get out of your house and listen to others talk. Yeah, I also agree though, stop taking his calls and don't feel bad about it. He sounds awful (and I don't say that to be mean, my AH is just as bad in his own way!).
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:48 PM
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NO you can sit and listen..I was asked to talk the first time and I replied "Pass".
They simply went onto the next person. NO PRESSURES!!!

I would advise taking lots of kleenex..The first time, it is a relief to actually
hear a voice sitting beside you, that knows EXACTLY how you are feeling.
It's almost like hearing yourself talk...
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Old 03-27-2011, 08:48 PM
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No, you do not have to talk if you do not want to. You can just say "pass" when it comes around to your turn.
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:03 PM
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Thank you everyone. You are the first people I have ever talked to about all this. I feel so all alone sometimes. I don't burden my mother and friends are hard to keep. I feel really trapped. I work from home for a friend and have filing cabinets, desk etc. and the only one that handles his business finances. I have no family here. I have three kids in school. I have three dogs and four cats. It is his house, left to him from his grandmother in his name only. I have way to much responsibility to just walk away. I want to. I have been planning on leaving when school is out. I just don't know where or how. He won't leave. He will never leave. I'm sorry I'm so emotional right now. I probably shouldn't have posted tonight.
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:13 PM
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No, you should have absolutely posted... Reaching out is the first of many steps that will take you to the life you want. You're isolated right now, dealing with very sick behavior/thinking. Come here, sit and read and you'll find out that there are many many people who have been right where you are.

No situation is hopeless... That's the opening to al-anon meetings... And it's so true.

There is no quick and easy solution to your situation. And there is no right answer. You need to focus on you. Take care of you and the kids... And turn the phone ringer off.

You can't control your husband and his drinking.
You can't cure him.
You didn't cause it... You have not part in his behavior, and have nothing to feel guilty about.

Keep posting because we are here to listen, and we care.
-Shannon
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:25 PM
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Well, I called my mom today. Told her my Husband is an alcoholic, she said she already knew. Long story short....My grandpa was an alcoholic for many years up until the day he died. My mom is a recovering alcoholic. Hasn't had a drink since I was a young child so I don't remember much about that. I had forgotten all of this. She brought up memories with a few little words that was completely gone. WOW, I don't know what to say right now got a lot of thinking to do.

Well, I also found three al-anon meetings in my town. The first one is tomorrow night, I plan on going. My AH will also be getting home tomorrow afternoon. It will be interesting to see how he handles the news of me going to a meeting. I figure it will be very "dramatic".

Oh well here goes the roller coaster of life, I better hang on tight and enjoy the ride. Wish me luck....I may be more screwed up than I had previously thought.


Almost forgot to add that my mom has offered to let me and the kids stay with her anytime we want. She lives four hours from me. So come May 21st when school is out I will have a new address....and a new life....I might even go back to school.
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:31 PM
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See? You got some positive stuff going on already, just by reaching out--first to us, then to your Mom.

It must have been really hard for your Mom to just kinda wait for you to reach out to her. But it sounds like she can be a great source of support for you.

Maybe you want to go to your first meeting without telling him exactly what you're doing? Do you really need the drama? The meetings are only an hour or so. Could you get out without an explanation needed?
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
See? You got some positive stuff going on already, just by reaching out--first to us, then to your Mom.

It must have been really hard for your Mom to just kinda wait for you to reach out to her. But it sounds like she can be a great source of support for you.

Maybe you want to go to your first meeting without telling him exactly what you're doing? Do you really need the drama? The meetings are only an hour or so. Could you get out without an explanation needed?

By not telling him where I was going and having to come up with a lie to explain where I was...no the drama would be ten fold compared to just telling him. I have to be honest with him. There was a 6 month period in my life when I wasn't honest. I did some pretty bad things that at the time I justified. After that I am always brutally honest, I don't even tell little white lies. He may lie to me and he may be a horrible person but I won't go down that road again. I am a better person for that. Now if I can just quit lying to myself....
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Old 03-28-2011, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by tl1792 View Post

Almost forgot to add that my mom has offered to let me and the kids stay with her anytime we want. She lives four hours from me. So come May 21st when school is out I will have a new address....and a new life....I might even go back to school.
So glad to hear about the new chapter you are starting soon. It will be hard, however everything worth doing takes some effort. You kids will be thankful, and 20 years from now you will look back on this decision as one of the best you've made.

Life's too short to live it saddled with what you've described. Enjoy your soon to be new found freedom.
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Old 03-29-2011, 05:00 AM
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I'd tell him to stop the car, take a walk and get lost in the woods, preferably forever.

I mean really!!!! Calling you to help him find his way home, and WITH other friends there in the car! What are they? Retarded?

Tell them to deal with it themselves and leave you alone.
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:26 AM
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Glad you have a plan of getting away. He sounds 100% bs and manipulative. You sound beaten down which I understand 100 %. Abuse and lack of trust do that to you. It wears you out. It is not good for your kids either. When you stop helping/enabling alcoholic husband who's problems will they be? HIS.
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