Kids and I did it anyway
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Kids and I did it anyway
OK, things with the new man (NM) are improving drastically. This honesty thing is amazing (when used appropriately and 2 adults are involved
)
He has met my kids and we have done a few things together. Some thing that feels strange to me lately is that he treats my kids 1000 times better than their dad ever has. I don't want to put xah down-he is their dad. I can see the confusion that my children feel (I felt the same way when I first started seeing NM because he is so different than anyone I have gotten involved with). It was almost like I did not deserve to be treated the way he treats me-which threw him for a loop because he initially did not know all the dirty details of my previous life. He is meeting me where I am at (like the trigger thing I posted previously) without judgment. I've talked to him about this--because I still struggle with co-dependency and I know I stayed long enough in my marriage that older DS does too.
DS's dad was coming over to pick them up this afternoon (it was his weekend but he had a gig and I prefer the kids don't stay at his house-even if he has a babysitter because chances are good he will be stoned and/or drunk). Anyway, NM was here and suddenly my older DS started to get upset and took me into the other room and told me I had to make NM leave before his dad got there because his dad would go nuts. It was amazing how fast I went back into that state of fear (that my son still feels) because I knew xah would go ballistic in front of the kids. I have talked to NM about the garbage we all have gone throough. He said he thought he should just stay so older DS could see that he did not have to be afraid. I said, NOOOOOOOO, they have to spend the day with their dad and he will take his anger out on them--which made NM angry. I told NM that I wanted to talk to xah first before letting him know there will be times when he drops the kids off that NM may be in the house. He was not completely happy about it (because he is thinking in terms of talking to a SANE RATIONAL human being--not a alcoholic crackhead).
Anyway, he told older DS I would always keep him and his brother safe and that if need be, he would too. He looked at me and out of earshot of the kids said he thought it was ridiculous that he could not have an adult disussion with thier dad, since he already knows about him, to let him know that he is not a threat. He knows he is their dad and that he is not trying to be their dad. He said he was also upset that I am still afraid of xah and that so is my older son (not upset at us but that xah continues to do things to us to make us afraid). He said it is just wrong (and it is) and it bothered him tremendously and he hated leaving so xah could once again, use that fear to control our lives. After he left, I felt both relief (because now there would be no confrontation with xah) and like a codie (because now there would be no confrontation with xah).
I started thinking--xah still has control over me. I made NM leave my house in order to avoid a confrontation. Then I clarified it in my head-no, I wanted to avoid a confrontation in front of the kids. Then spent the next 20 minutes trying to think of a time when I could talk to xah about the situation and meet NM briefly (not because I want them to be buddies cuz that ain't happenin') but because the kids know NM (and like him) and it is not normal for someone to have to get up and leave your house because a lunatic is on the way over to pick up the kids. At least he is still a lunatic to me--according to the kids he is normal around them-but obviously older DS has not forgotten "the olden days".
I did talk to xah briefly when he got here because I realized there will NEVER be a good time to talk to him about the fact someone else is part of my life (and also the kids's). He just got snotty and said he was not meeting anyone, waved me off and got in the car and took off. Then I felt scared because I thought-cr** is he going to be mean to older DS all day. I hate that I still fear xah and so do my chlidren.
)He has met my kids and we have done a few things together. Some thing that feels strange to me lately is that he treats my kids 1000 times better than their dad ever has. I don't want to put xah down-he is their dad. I can see the confusion that my children feel (I felt the same way when I first started seeing NM because he is so different than anyone I have gotten involved with). It was almost like I did not deserve to be treated the way he treats me-which threw him for a loop because he initially did not know all the dirty details of my previous life. He is meeting me where I am at (like the trigger thing I posted previously) without judgment. I've talked to him about this--because I still struggle with co-dependency and I know I stayed long enough in my marriage that older DS does too.
DS's dad was coming over to pick them up this afternoon (it was his weekend but he had a gig and I prefer the kids don't stay at his house-even if he has a babysitter because chances are good he will be stoned and/or drunk). Anyway, NM was here and suddenly my older DS started to get upset and took me into the other room and told me I had to make NM leave before his dad got there because his dad would go nuts. It was amazing how fast I went back into that state of fear (that my son still feels) because I knew xah would go ballistic in front of the kids. I have talked to NM about the garbage we all have gone throough. He said he thought he should just stay so older DS could see that he did not have to be afraid. I said, NOOOOOOOO, they have to spend the day with their dad and he will take his anger out on them--which made NM angry. I told NM that I wanted to talk to xah first before letting him know there will be times when he drops the kids off that NM may be in the house. He was not completely happy about it (because he is thinking in terms of talking to a SANE RATIONAL human being--not a alcoholic crackhead).
Anyway, he told older DS I would always keep him and his brother safe and that if need be, he would too. He looked at me and out of earshot of the kids said he thought it was ridiculous that he could not have an adult disussion with thier dad, since he already knows about him, to let him know that he is not a threat. He knows he is their dad and that he is not trying to be their dad. He said he was also upset that I am still afraid of xah and that so is my older son (not upset at us but that xah continues to do things to us to make us afraid). He said it is just wrong (and it is) and it bothered him tremendously and he hated leaving so xah could once again, use that fear to control our lives. After he left, I felt both relief (because now there would be no confrontation with xah) and like a codie (because now there would be no confrontation with xah).
I started thinking--xah still has control over me. I made NM leave my house in order to avoid a confrontation. Then I clarified it in my head-no, I wanted to avoid a confrontation in front of the kids. Then spent the next 20 minutes trying to think of a time when I could talk to xah about the situation and meet NM briefly (not because I want them to be buddies cuz that ain't happenin') but because the kids know NM (and like him) and it is not normal for someone to have to get up and leave your house because a lunatic is on the way over to pick up the kids. At least he is still a lunatic to me--according to the kids he is normal around them-but obviously older DS has not forgotten "the olden days".
I did talk to xah briefly when he got here because I realized there will NEVER be a good time to talk to him about the fact someone else is part of my life (and also the kids's). He just got snotty and said he was not meeting anyone, waved me off and got in the car and took off. Then I felt scared because I thought-cr** is he going to be mean to older DS all day. I hate that I still fear xah and so do my chlidren.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
If your XAH is mean (verbally/emotionally abusive) to the kids and not sober when he is with them, you could consider trying to get full custody. Do what you need to do to protect your kids.
It's great that you have a relationship with someone that is based on mutual respect and caring, and who cares about your kids too. I'm in the same situation with that, and it's wonderful.
It's great that you have a relationship with someone that is based on mutual respect and caring, and who cares about your kids too. I'm in the same situation with that, and it's wonderful.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I agree with the above, has exah ever been abusive towards you and the kids that you are still scared?....maybe that is what the gut feeling was all about...not the confrontation at all....
people hate change....A's hate change (if not sober) either way you look at this...you are gonna get FLACK from it...because of the new boundaries....or new people,place or thing.....
its up to you...how you want to set the boundaries with the exA....but remember you are starting a new life ...fresh from the A's control...its scary, its new and its a new path.....keep reading more on co dependency issues....and keep practising...your on a good path....
people hate change....A's hate change (if not sober) either way you look at this...you are gonna get FLACK from it...because of the new boundaries....or new people,place or thing.....
its up to you...how you want to set the boundaries with the exA....but remember you are starting a new life ...fresh from the A's control...its scary, its new and its a new path.....keep reading more on co dependency issues....and keep practising...your on a good path....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, HoopNinja. I know the panic when dealing with something XAH won't like. I think you handled it very well, and Wow, your NM. I can see where, without experience dealing with an A, he might think it would be OK to meet the A. Yay for you for trusting your and your DS's instincts. And for your NM for honoring your wishes/needs.
I am so happy to read about your NM; it gives me hope that there may actually be a decent, mostly happy relationship in my future too.
You are an amazing momma and an inspiration to me when I look at dealing with my emotions about and hands off DS's relationship with his AF. Thank you for sharing!
I am so happy to read about your NM; it gives me hope that there may actually be a decent, mostly happy relationship in my future too.
You are an amazing momma and an inspiration to me when I look at dealing with my emotions about and hands off DS's relationship with his AF. Thank you for sharing!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
BTW when going through the divorce I was told flat out it would be my word against his--and since he cleans up so nicely (he has been a church musician for close to 30 years) it is hard to convince others. I have kept all the scary emails he has sent me-including one he sent last week when he went totally whacko on me because the accountant we had used in the past would not do his taxes because it would be a conflict of interest. He becomes delusional. There are times I would like to print out things like the emails he sent me last week that were filled with hattred, profanity and his favorite--telling me I am a heathen because I refuse to take the kids to the denomination he is associated with (because EVERYONE knows him and I have dealt with enough of their looks of "there is that horrible woman who divorced xah when he was down on his luck". It has become water off a duck's back now. They did not live in our house so they have no idea what happened after he took his church face off. They would be appalled to find out I was not lying about his violent behavior, alcohol and drug abuse.
The kids said that their dad was fine. So that is good. He did not take his anger out on them. He keeps tellling them he wants 50-50 custody. But what the kids don't know is that is not because he wants them around--it is so he does not have to pay child support and may be able to leech off me once again-as if he has not taken enough from me financially and emotionally. Just because he has no money (because he does not think he should have to work and pay taxes like the rest of the world) he thinks I should have no money either. It is sad that the courts see no problem with me paying for everything and him tossing in a bit of child support. Besides, he is not capable of taking care of them half the time. I use my right of first refusal at least twice a month (and he only has them once a week and every other weekend) because he has made plans. You would think if the man knew his children were going to be with him he would NOT make plans--but again we are talking about a self-centered ego-maniacal loon. I have to laugh because last week in one of his "you are evil" emails he went on to tell me how some people believe he brings "light to the world with his charisma and personal being". Can you say delusions of granduer.
Anyway, he was nice to the kids. I am sure I will get blasted but I am ready now. NM came over and knows now that he will not have to leave any time xah may appear. He said he was happy about that. He also said that if xah started something he would not get into any kind of physical altercation with him but would make it clear to him he thinks he is a coward who abuses woman and children and hides behind his church and that not only was he not going to take any of his sh**, he better not hear of him trying to hurt me or the kids again. I told NM it was not his fight and he said-no fight, but the man needs to learn that he cannot go around hurting people anymore. I just shook my head and told him again--you aren't dealing with a sane person. He said that was pretty obvious.
Yeah, so far I feel pretty fortunate NM is in my life. What started out as just someone to hang out has turned into an honest relationship. Yes, they are out there--I think I just did not know what I was looking at in the past when someone like NM came along. No drama??? Being the codie I was, NM would not have fit into my life then.
The kids said that their dad was fine. So that is good. He did not take his anger out on them. He keeps tellling them he wants 50-50 custody. But what the kids don't know is that is not because he wants them around--it is so he does not have to pay child support and may be able to leech off me once again-as if he has not taken enough from me financially and emotionally. Just because he has no money (because he does not think he should have to work and pay taxes like the rest of the world) he thinks I should have no money either. It is sad that the courts see no problem with me paying for everything and him tossing in a bit of child support. Besides, he is not capable of taking care of them half the time. I use my right of first refusal at least twice a month (and he only has them once a week and every other weekend) because he has made plans. You would think if the man knew his children were going to be with him he would NOT make plans--but again we are talking about a self-centered ego-maniacal loon. I have to laugh because last week in one of his "you are evil" emails he went on to tell me how some people believe he brings "light to the world with his charisma and personal being". Can you say delusions of granduer.
Anyway, he was nice to the kids. I am sure I will get blasted but I am ready now. NM came over and knows now that he will not have to leave any time xah may appear. He said he was happy about that. He also said that if xah started something he would not get into any kind of physical altercation with him but would make it clear to him he thinks he is a coward who abuses woman and children and hides behind his church and that not only was he not going to take any of his sh**, he better not hear of him trying to hurt me or the kids again. I told NM it was not his fight and he said-no fight, but the man needs to learn that he cannot go around hurting people anymore. I just shook my head and told him again--you aren't dealing with a sane person. He said that was pretty obvious.
Yeah, so far I feel pretty fortunate NM is in my life. What started out as just someone to hang out has turned into an honest relationship. Yes, they are out there--I think I just did not know what I was looking at in the past when someone like NM came along. No drama??? Being the codie I was, NM would not have fit into my life then.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Can I post a secret on a very public internet site? Ha ha - what an oxymoron, but I have to say that my mortgage guy (broker? banker?) has been very helpful. VERY.
And he's really good looking.
And a single Dad.
It's tempting...but I was raised to put the old toy down before picking up the new toy. In the meantime, I just thoroughly enjoy our weekly talks. I'll be really sad when I finally close on this house and have no other reason to talk to this cutie!
And he's really good looking.
And a single Dad.
It's tempting...but I was raised to put the old toy down before picking up the new toy. In the meantime, I just thoroughly enjoy our weekly talks. I'll be really sad when I finally close on this house and have no other reason to talk to this cutie!
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