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Gone to Detox - Need ES&H

Old 03-27-2011, 12:08 PM
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Gone to Detox - Need ES&H

So my AH went to detox on Wed for the 2nd time in 4 months. I woke up feeling anxious this morning, went to a Al-Anon Step Meeting (didn't have time to share) and still feel kinda jittery. I'm trying my best to turn things over to my HP, right now there's a lot going on around me; work demands have increased -- just did a 6-day, 50hr week and have been put in charge of the summer camp program for the whole city, not just my rec. center. ALL my kids are staying in my 2BR apt right now, I have both my grandson and nephew (both 2) for the weekend, in addition to the whole detox thing on my mind. Did I mention I've been PMSing the whole week? Oh yeah, and it's my son's birthday today - he's 15 & the 2-yr olds broke his new PS3 and his basketball game.

Anyway, I'm sending the 2 year olds home today (I can control that). After my meeting this morning, I got an ice cream cake, a card & balloon for my son. (I can control that.) I got some chamomile tea for my nerves (I can control that - I think.) My eldest daughter is taking the PS3 to Game Stop for repair. (I can control that.) I realized I only ate one meal a day this week so I'm going to focus more on my eating habits this week, even if it means setting an alarm. (I can control that.) I'm going to get some rest today and make a weekly schedule including prayer & meditation times & just surrender the rest to my HP.

I know my anxiety about the detox thing is I'm still only 2 months in my recovery. I'm standing strong on my separation in my marriage and maintaining my boundaries but I've accepted the my AH is very dependent on me and I'm really concerned about that with his recovery. I don't know how to support him without controlling him or being too aggressive and I guess I'm posting this for ES&H in that area. I had a sponsor but she was way too aggressive with her methods so I have to start over with that.
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Old 03-27-2011, 01:19 PM
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Originally Posted by DestinyM View Post
I don't know how to support him without controlling him or being too aggressive and I guess I'm posting this for ES&H in that area. I had a sponsor but she was way too aggressive with her methods so I have to start over with that.
My qualifier is my 23 year old RAD. I had to stop supporting her, at least the way I had been, which was with control and aggression. I had to do a 180 and become passive for my own well being, and it ended up benefiting her, too. I started telling her (and admitting to myself) that I could not help her because I had not walked in her shoes. I started reminding her she had the tools and resources, it was all up to her to use them. Essentially all I did was reaffirm what she already knew, and allowed her to define her own boundaries, too.

By the way, my first sponsor was very aggressive, too. Her manner offended me and pushed me away; it was like everything was a challenge, there was no validation or encouragement. I picked her, though, and thought about the irony afterward. She was almost a mirror of myself.
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Old 03-27-2011, 01:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
I started telling her (and admitting to myself) that I could not help her because I had not walked in her shoes. I started reminding her she had the tools and resources, it was all up to her to use them.
I've been telling him that since we were dating. Back then I was in therapy and after learning about his childhood neglect and abuse, I recommended he get a therapist too. He has stood on the premise that I was his best friend and could talk to me about anything. Last week when he decided to go to detox again, I reiterated what I'd told him 8 years ago as we discussed AA. My parents weren't addicts and alcoholics. I didn't have to deal with poverty and neglect because of it and I although I can relate to not having my dad consistently in my life, it wasn't due to alcohol and incarcerations. I reminded him of what he once said about only a person whose been thru what he's been thru being able to talk to him about things. I can only pray he really understood as he said he did.

My sponsor wanted me to choose between me and my AH. I kinda understand that but when she said I needed to divorce him to do that red flags went up. I'm good with the separation and I thought I shouldn't make big decisions until at least 6 months into my recovery especially since I'm prone to emotionally-driven impulsive decision-making. There were other things but this one was the deal breaker for me.
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Old 03-27-2011, 06:48 PM
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My counselor suggested I give it 90 days of separation - not for him, for me. So, I can work on me and if he chooses to work on him, then that's a benefit. I'm 30 days in, just hope the next 60 days go better or I will be looking for an attorney...
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:43 PM
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In my experience, I was nervous about detox because I felt like any minute I would get a call to pick A up and no real treatment would occur.
It is very nerve wreaking. Fortunately, that part will likely be over in a few days (4-8) then onto what happens next.
In hindsight, I would suggest enjoying what you can of the couple of days to yourself and family. :ghug3:ghug3
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