Am I enabling him?
 

My h and I have been together for 15 years. I filed for divorce about 2 months ago after his drinking had gotten way out of control. He did not take the news well and ended up getting another dui. We have started talking again and he really wants to work on things. I have made some rules such as I won't talk to him when he is drunk or be around him. Should I totally cut off contact though? He really does want to get back together. I told him that I would not even consider that until he stopped drinking. I also said that I would give him a few months before proceeding with the divorce (july). The papers have been filed but if I did not see any changes that i would start the mediation process. He wanted me to change the papers to Seperation while I he is working on thisbut I refused and told him that I would give him a few months. He said that he could not stop the drinking unless his kids and I were there to support him. Is this another tactic to just rope me in? I was very clear that if he was serious about stopping drinking that he needs to stop now and that just cutting back would not be suffiicient.

Since he just lost his license he asked me if I could take him to aa and I said yes. I have been very clear that in order to reconcile he would need to quit drinking completely and make changes in a few other areas. (he did not help around the house alot, things like that) We have been actually getting along well. He says he has cut back on drinking and has been respecting the boundaries that I have set. So my question is by being there a support ( such as through phone calls and he still sometimes do stuff together as a family, by driving him to aa, etc) are these enabling him or are these ok? I just don't want him to try to manipulate me and I am very set on divorcing him he does not make changes. I have been also very clear that if he makes these changes and just tries to say what I want to hear that it will not work in the end. Just to clarify, we are not living together right now, if that makes any difference.



I just feel find of lost because we get along so great when he is not drinking. He is a great father also ( if he is not drinking). I do love him but am prepared to walk away. I guess I am just looking for some guidance. We went through something similar about 8 years ago. He was sober for awhile and did well but regressed in the last 2 years, so I am very skeptical if he does get sober again if this will work out long term.

He said that he could not stop the drinking unless his kids and I were there to support him. Is this another tactic to just rope me in?

Yep. He doesn't need you there in order to stop drinking and work on recovery. You can be supportive of his efforts, but if he is serious about recovery, he'll do it regardless of whether you are there or not. The thing about being married to an alcoholic is that you never have any guarantees. Just like in the past, he did well for a while then went back to old ways. You'll just never know for sure.

As soon as he said that it threw up red flags that he was not maybe totally serious and I even told him that. He said that he does want to quit no matter what happens between us, he just does not feel like he can do it on his own. I am not sure if this manipulation or maybe he truly feels this way, idk?

And yes I totally get the uncertainty of being married to an alcoholic. You just never know.

IMHO, if he "doesn't feel he can do it on his own," then he doesn't want it as much as he should. It reeks of manipulation and doing the least amount he feels necessary in order to get you to come back. When he is serious about sobriety, nothing will stand in his way.

Look at it this way...if having you there can make him stop drinking and seek recovery, why didn't he stay sober before?

I agree with suki a hundred percent.

I also don't think it's a good idea to be driving him to meetings. AAs are very good about helping each other out with transportation.

If he's gonna get sober, he needs to rely on the people in AA, not you.

Hi Mum,
From one boundary-setter to another, hugs to you. I've been here, although not with marriage and kids in the picture, but the boundary thing. You're boundary is that he quit drinking. Cutting back is not enough. Quit completely. How can he only be cutting back on drinking, and respecting your boundaries at the same time?

My ABF (i'm in the process of moving out now) and I have gone through the cutting back thing before. I know now that him "cutting back" was a way of temporarily pacifying me because he just wasn't ready to quit yet. Still to this day won't admit he has a problem.

Maybe he doesn't have a drinking problem. But I know I have a problem with his drinking, and the decisions he makes because of it (also has no license), and that discomfort is enough of a reason for me to leave. There is nothing I can do for him as far as support, but get out of the way and let him live his life how he sees fit.

Writing this is more theraputic for me right now, thank you for posting.
:ghug3

posted by kittykitty Maybe he doesn't have a drinking problem. But I know I have a problem with his drinking

you summed it up PERFECTLY....

When I say he is respecting my boundaries I meant by not calling me after he has been drinking or if we see each other he is sober.

Sorry Mum, for the misunderstanding. I thought one of your boundaries was no more drinking. I'm glad he is giving you the space you need.