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Right direction?

Old 03-27-2011, 08:54 AM
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Right direction?

Well I have an alcoholic wife whom I have been married to for 5 years. She refuses to work and when she gets really drunk "abusive" I mean I can take it I am twice her size just her squeeze marks on my neck sharp nails and all is embarrassing at work the next day. When lever I try and hold her back from doing it(grab her arms and hold them away) I get look at the marks on me your beating me this and that..

That is just one aspect... We have 2 boys 1 and 3. She refuses to work and says she will not work just to have to pay bills. I had to take her odd the bank account because of very poor decisions to buy beer. She can kick back a 18 with ease and when she does get money that's what she does or finds my wallet hiding spot and drinks away. Her father sends her 100 dollars a month. Because I am controlling and I do not allow her any money for gas haircuts clothes or any fun. I'm guessing all those things are code words for beer. She contantly tells him I'm abusive and she's having "panic attacks" "can you please paypal me 20 dollars to get out of the house"...

Sorry I do ramble and there is a lot to this. I would wake up for work and she would still be drinking and I had to leave the kids with her locked in the bedroom which o felt so guilty for and she would call me a bad father for doing so and that she would sleep at 7 and wake up at 11 a few surprise visits disproved that. Then came the phone call one morning at work... She asleep in the same room.. Johnny got isaac out of his crib pushed the crib over to the closet climbed up there got the key down unlocked the door destroyed the bedroom right next door and began giving isaac a bath... All which was blamed on me. He also hid a key and got out the next day... Well something needed to change I said look you stay up all night drinking when I gotta work I will have to take action.. Blah blah blah is what she heard and low and behold about 3-4 days later... Kicking back tall boys while I wake up at 6... I called DCF told them what's up they came out gave her an evaluation she had just woke up at 4pm and the lady said your still drunk from last night...

She is not allowed to be left alone with the kids, I took a few days off of work when I did this and took her out spent a little money on her gave her attention an said look we need to get this right... Well low and behold kids got sick couldn't be in daycare my sister came over for the week and Teresa my wife had gotten her check from her dad was sick on antibiotics, zoloft, and Ativan she got from the doctor and in 4 days drank 6 12 packs... Thinking my sister was on her "side" ... Just last week she went on a smashing fit destroyed her brand new iPhone o got her for her bday and said "look what you did to my phone, you hit me and broke my phone so I couldn't call the cops"... So I called for her got the kids in the truck and waited for them... They confirmed that she was very intoxicated drew weapons on her and cuffed her didn't take her away but I left for a couple nights...

During that time on Thursday I filed for divorce which should of been done along time ago but I think I was in denial as much as her.

My fear: I'm very afraid of her mom coming down and picking them up and hauling to MD/WV.. I filed a temp injunction to prevent that

Her father is very well off an she is a daddys girl.. I cannot afford and attorney and filled out all the paper work myself and financed the filing fees... I cannot finance and attorney because due to her actions my credit is shot. If he gets her an attorney I feel like I'd be screwed... I know I love these boys more then anything I want everything to be 50/50 raising them and with most fathers now a days hauling butt I tend to be a rarity. I am really afraid of her dad getting a good lawyer and getting full custody and allowing them to move to wv... I would die I'd never see them it would kill me... She does nothing for them I try and get her to go places with us zoo, park, stuff like that. I take them to all their appointments alone even when she was allowed with them... I take tons of pictures of them and post them everywhere she takes picturesof her friends or nude ones of herself to send to guys... I want pictures up on the wall she refuses... It really is like she does not love them... She had a choice to come with us to the er and she stayed home and drank.. Birthdays are spent drunk away from the crowd chugging beers and smoking cigs.. Johnnys first birthday she went to bed at 8 am and I did it all alone...


I think I'm going in the right direction I think I just need reassurance... I really don't have anyone to talk to... She does she has several guys she talks to had an affair with the neighbor and I'm sure more.. Caught her telling a guy "I love you" last night... It hurts and messes with my head when she is trying to kiss me and tell me the same...

I'm very sorry guys for the super post...
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:03 AM
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you cannot reason with someone who is unreasonable. you cannot feel sane with someone who is insane. you feel like she is messing with your head because she is. you can blame her for the messing, or you can be (try) compassionate and understand that she is completely off the rails. it doesn't matter; the result is the result.

you are doing the right thing.

you have a long history of her behavior, and incompetent parenting. try hard to not be fearful, and do what you can to get the assistance of an attorney - possibly someone who volunteers time for people in need.
seek out an advocacy program in your area.

you are doing the right thing.

welcome to sober recovery, AmriiBacchus, you have friends here. please stick with us; we will support you, and give you guidance when you seek it.

you are doing the right thing.
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:18 AM
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You can get a restraining order, which will get her out of the house. At least that will give you some peace and quiet.

You have police reports, and the DCF evaluation, so I rather doubt that the court will permit her to take the kids.

You do need some legal help, though. Contact your local bar association to see if they can provide any assistance.

I also suggest you go to Al-Anon--it is a lifesaver for a lot of spouses and partners of alcoholics.
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Old 03-27-2011, 09:27 AM
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WOW! What a story..Thanks for sharing!!

My first thoughts:
#1. Get legal help
#2 Get yourself into a alanon program
#3 Do the "Right Thing" for the kids!! You have a choice, they dont!!
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:11 AM
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Thanks guys for your quick responses. I will join alanon my only hurdle right now is my job daycare and family location. I work late and have to pick the kids up by 630 I usually get there at 620... Not much room. My family is about an hour away. With gas prices I would be eating in soup kitchens. I am planing to move by my mom so my sister whom lives with her can babysit... Then Counsling and alanon will come.

I will contact the bar but so far google has turned up legal aid but I make way too much money compared to what seems to be levels set in the 1950's... So I did it myself so I can file to motion to prevent removal. I don't know why but I am reluctant to put a restraining order maybe is love or maybe it's pity everyday it seems closer and closer to pity. With a "free or low-cost" lawyer I am also worried... I called my employee assistance program and ha a 30 min legal advice and was told it does not matter if she is an alcoholic she would probably get the kids and alimony and this and that... Which kept me putting things off itself just because I would never see them and I would lose them which would crush me.

Obvious he was not a good lawyer

She should be served the papers tomorrow and depending on her reaction will be the end result for the injunction. If she goes on a binder and destroys stuff then I'll file next day
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Old 03-27-2011, 10:39 AM
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No, it doesn't sound like he's a good lawyer.

Alcoholics (especially those who have already endangered their children, as yours has) are not good parenting material, and the courts do recognize that.

As much as I loathe many of the "father's rights" groups (because I think a lot of them are havens for abusive men), they might have resources that would help.

I wouldn't be so concerned about the legal aspects but for what you've said about her father hiring a good lawyer for her. You have too much at stake to go it alone. There are also some lawyers who will take "pro bono" cases. Don't give up.

One advantage to the R.O., incidentally, is that the court can order alcohol evaluations and treatment as a condition of her spending time with the children. I know you feel "sorry" for her, but if her father has money she is unlikely to be homeless. It would give you some breathing room. The R.O. isn't like a criminal conviction--it won't ruin her life unless she had a job like being a police officer or something that required her to carry a gun.
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Old 03-27-2011, 11:13 AM
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I know those places can be full of guys just trying to cover their rears... I don't know if her father will hire her one or not I'm hoping not. More or less for equality. Something I believe very strongly in... I'm doing it alone as should she. I'll keep looking for sone legal advice and I guess if he does buy her one I can sell a kidney. She already has a domestic violence charge against her from when we first got married. So she is no go to carry... I already have my CWP and I am responsible and safe and it worries me that a false report would take that away. I already took all firearms out of the house my hinting rifles and stuff I only kept one pistol for carry that she has no idea about and if she dis she couldn't get to it anyway. Best to be safe!

She has had her initial evaluation from stewart marchman here ordered by dcf then they never came back... Not sure why.. We have a group called "the house next door" working with us now kinda an outreach program he cones once a week and sees our needs and nudges us in the right direction. He sees what she is and such and I am going to talk to him about testifying of his findings as well as the dcf, police, and other reports.

All and all I want her to get well not so we can be together but so the kids have a mother to look up to. I grew up with one parent and I have problems because of it but I mostly use those issues as a driving factor to show my kids better so they have it better!
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Old 03-30-2011, 07:49 AM
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perhaps there is too much on your plate right now to start regularly attending al-anon.

but realize that some groups do provide child care - i think a search on the local website will reveal that. it could be good exposure for your children as well, just to be around other kids and possibly form some friendships with kids that have parents trying to create a healthier environment.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:09 AM
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I know it seems hopeless, but those kids need you to stand firm.
She is a drowning person, and you trying to help her could take you under. It sounds like she is taking you under already. And those boys need one parent eho is not under water.

You cannot help her, or your kids if she is this erratic, abusive and it sounds like she is not in a place to care about how they are affected.
You are being abused. Even if you are bigger than her.

She is abusive and neglectful toward the kids.

Is there anyone in your family who can come and stay while you get her out? Anywhere, her dads?

Please dont let pity be the reason you dont take action to protect the kids. If you start thinking like that, try shifting your feelings of pity toward the kids, and let that fuel you to continue taking the proper action to protect them.

I know its harder done than said.

Please keep posting, and keep looking for a better lawyer.

I will be praying for you and your children.
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