about to explode!

Old 03-27-2011, 05:48 AM
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about to explode!

The last few weeks have been remarkable to say the least.

I left my AH in January. I moved out on faith. I had no job. I put in applications online daily and did some interviews, but the process was slow. So at some point in the last month, I knocked doors and talked myself into a couple part time jobs to hold me over til I could get a real job. Some money coming in was better than none. I live in a metropolitan area, so there are literally hundreds of businesses within a mile of me. One I wound up at was a dog grooming shop cleaning up at the end of the day for a couple hours 3 days a week.

I got a real job (YEAAA!) and told the owner of the dog grooming shop thank you so much for your help... and said I would keep in touch with her.

The second job was at mom and pop retail shop. I just did whatever needed to be done just a few days a week. The two businesses were side by side. I was at the retail shop one day and got to talking to the owner and discovered she was a distant neighbor (a block away) of my AH.

The next morning the retail shop owner said she did not need me anymore. I asked could I ask why, she said "No.", just that I needed to take my pay and leave. I was shocked and crying. All I could think was: what had AH been spreading about me?

I had left videos on 2 neighbors doors who my AH actually spoke to in an attempt to let them see who he really is.

I had no contact with them after that. I thought they hated me because of the stuff AH told me. I gave in and called one of the neighbors because I needed to know what I was up against. She basically told me they know who he is. I was woman # 3 who they knew of who had told the exact same story. They had to live next to him (and had for 16 years) and never believed his bs but at the same time they would probably live next to him for many years and simply needed to be careful how they handled situations where he was concerned.

In the midst of our conversation, she mentions she saw wife # 2 earlier in the year working at a close by businesss.

I hunted this woman down. She was very nice on the phone. I told her I just wanted to ask was he abusive? With no hesitation at all, she said Yes. If I press charges will she write a statement attesting to such fact? Yes. Does she have any police reports to help with this? Yes one in the summer 2000 she thinks.

Then out of the blue, she says to me. "He's a pedophile, you know."

I nearly cried.

I said I know and Thank You and I am so glad I talked to you and on and on I went. I knew I wasn't crazy, or imagining this sh**.

She said she caught him on the computer numerous times talking to 14 year old girls in the middle of the night.

She confirmed everything I already knew in such detail, it was eery. It was like a dream. His abusive MOas well as the emotional and gaslighting.

I was at a fork in my mind. I had no proof of pedophilia, but I had proof of the abuse. So I began to ponder should I press charges?

I just started a job and the wife # 2 I spoke to has cancer and only a year to live. If I was going to act, it would have to be soon. So I asked God for the answer.

The next day I dropped by AH's thinking he was at work to pick up some things I had left. He was home. I went in anyway.

His eyes were swollen, he did not know why. His hands were swollen. When I saw him like that it scared me. I drove him to the dr. Dr said probably an allergic reaction to something he ate, watch and see.

While this is happening, I mention wife # 2 casually. He says did you meet here? I was stunned. How would I even know where to find her?

Wife # 2 worked at the dog grooming shop where you worked for those few days. I told him he was lying. No. call the owner and ask.

I did. 10 years before me Wife # 2 married the same man I did and went to the same dog grooming shop and worked there. What are the odds?

The owner told me that wife #2 was an alcoholic and a customer found her passed out one afternoon so she had to fire her.

I was perplexed to say the least.

At this point, I decided that maybe wife #2 could probably be shredded by a good attorney and that would invalidate her testimony.

So I decided to just walk away from AH.

The next week he goes to the bar and calls me at 2 am all weekend long, 4 days in a row. I ignore the calls.

When he was sober, I told him I am not answering your 2 am calls. I want more for myself. Fix yourself or leave me alone.

He immediately does an about face. I just walk away and tell him sure you will change.

It has taken everything I have to not tell him I KNOW the truth about who he is, about wife #2's confirmation of that.

The last time I was with him, (dr visit) we stopped and ate on the way home, and he was making eye contact and other subtle manipulations toward another 13/14 year old in a short skirt.

It's like the anger in me has come back and shot out of this world the last few days now that I know the truth. I called him yesterday and said something ugly. He hung up. It was not about what I know. I just want to yell at him. I want him to KNOW I know the truth. That he is fooliing noone.

I think telling him would put me at a disadvantage if I chose to pursue this. Not to mention what he might do when he's drinking, as he will again.

I want to lash out at him. It is killing me walking away, but I don't think I have the energy to fight him in court anymore. To push this where it should go.

He is so manipulative and he has gotten away with it for so long that I think I will lose this battle.

I want him to know that I KNOW he is a lier and a pedophile. I want to yell in his face what scum he is.

Btw: I told the pastor at the church about the pedophilia thing and his response was well, they are 14, it's not like they are 6. Pedophilia is not the right term: I could not believe he said it. Do men see it differently than we do because they are turned on by teenage girls? All these girls are like boards, no boobs, no shape, so I don't get is it different? A child is a child in my mind.

I hate this man.

enough tears for now.
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Old 03-27-2011, 06:22 AM
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Passionfruit - Jeez I hate to see you so upset If it were ME, this is what I'd do (or try to do anyway -- I know it's easier said than done)....

1) I would go to the police station and just ask to speak to an officer about what you know. Leave it their hands.
2) Have you filed for divorce yet? If not, get that working ASAP
3) Work on accepting the fact that this is one sick mofo and get as far away from him as possible. He is not going to be healed anytime soon.
4) Go No Contact and STAY No Contact. Change your number if you have to, block calls, emails, ....everything.
5) Are you in DV counseling? If not, call and then GO to counseling.

Do something meditative today. Try to get centered and 'back to baseline'. Move forward with YOUR life. Stay focused on YOU. ((((Hugs)))))
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Old 03-27-2011, 06:31 AM
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Can only speek for myself and guys i know... and 'no' we dont see it different to women.
Whats right is right and whats wrong is sill wrong, i dont think gender matters relating to such views.

As for the pastor? Alarm bells would ring for me im afraid, and i wouldn't ever be able to communicate with them again.

Your AH? I think anyone who has suspicions based on 'fact' owes it to the welfare of children to come forward.

I think its a real tragedy, what pedophilia has done to society in terms of 'paranoia', its unreal. I heard a story about some guys i know who were on-site at a school. They were approached by these happy and curious kids. Later they were told not to talk to the children! We all understand the message they were trying to protect the kids and it wasn't personal of course, but for God sake that is how children need to grow up! Its going to change it all, and not for the better im sure. JMO.
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Old 03-27-2011, 06:39 AM
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I agree with tjp--time to let go of your mission to take him down, and to put the focus on looking out for yourself.

An allegation from an ex-wife that when she was married to him ten years ago she found him chatting with 14 y/o's on the computer is not going ANYWHERE. The police are not going to be able to do a thing. They won't have probable cause to charge him, to seize his computer.

Now, it may be killing you that he did that, and obviously you have suspicions he's still doing that, but sometimes there is simply nothing we can do.

I think this is really causing you a lot of distress over something you cannot control. Go forward with your divorce, get far away from him, and start your new life. It's great you got a real job--that's awesome.
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Old 03-27-2011, 07:45 PM
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The Pastor's response makes me want to puke. That is not (imho) the response of a person you want to be getting advice from.
I will leave it at that, because otherwise I might use a lot of @!?%$$! words
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Old 03-28-2011, 05:58 PM
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I was going to respond, but it is making me sick to my stomach to talk about it. Later........
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:26 AM
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It's a chess game

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
An allegation from an ex-wife that when she was married to him ten years ago she found him chatting with 14 y/o's on the computer is not going ANYWHERE. The police are not going to be able to do a thing. They won't have probable cause to charge him, to seize his computer..
I recognize that as far as the pedophilia thing goes there is not enough evidence to convict.
To quote Lundy Bancroft: "Your testimony is evidence."

It is not an allegation from her. It is testimony as to what she witnessed. I witnessed the same thing. I also witnessed him hitting on these kids face to face.

He stated to me that he had been chased by these "pedophile set-up guys" online in the past but he is not stupid enough to fall for their crap.

I found a message sent to a 13 year old girl named samantha in pogo asking her why she abandoned him every time she got a new boyfriend, which he promptly erased before I could get a copy of it. He was 48 at the time it was sent.

We got an invitation to his stepdaughters graduation. He wanted no part. The only comment he ever made about her was how slow in the head she was...he was surprised she graduated....and how big her t*ts were.

There was a 16 year old girl who lived across the street. Every time he thought he heard her coming home, he ran to the window to watch for her. It was so bad, I blocked off all the windows as much as I could.

He even stated to her uncle, when he commented to us that the 20 somethings down the road were hitting on his "little Jenny" that she was 17 now and that is legal in Texas.

He confessed to me, in his drunken state, "he knew it was wrong, but he wanted to f*ck little Jenny so bad it hurt." Of course, he denied it the next day.

He told me repeatedly how God gave direction in the bible for fathers to have sex with their daughters as a means to replenish the earth.

Is it just a coincidence his house is backed up to a school? No, he told me how he scouted it out "because of the kitchen."

When I met him, though I did not know it at the time, he was not on speaking terms with his best friend and had not been for several years because his best friend caught him in bed with best friend's "17 year old" (according to AH) niece.
The only reason I found out is because we went to see the best friend on his death bed, literally, and I am pretty sure from the conversations I witnessed she wasn't 17.

Then my daughter moves in with us and I personally watched him do things that went way beyond acceptable.

I can go on.

While most of this is circumstantial and certainly not convictable, there is, it seems to me, more than enough to justify further investigation from a specialty authority.
I would be willing to bet, given some general times to search through and a court order, they would be able to pull some truths out of pogo archives.

Pogo is a game site, btw...

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Now, it may be killing you that he did that, and obviously you have suspicions he's still doing that, but sometimes there is simply nothing we can do..
What kills me is that he has gotten away with this behavior for so many years. Every woman does exactly what you suggest and leaves without "a fight."

The truth is I don't want a fight and I am afraid, but I have always had an extreme sense of right and wrong. I don't think I am doing the right thing by walking away, though that is the easier choice.

I believe that the next woman he "decides is his" will probably die because I watched his alcoholism and violence associated with it progress so rapidly in the last 2 years, it was unfathomable.

So, how can I believe this and simply walk away?

Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I think this is really causing you a lot of distress over something you cannot control. Go forward with your divorce, get far away from him, and start your new life.
In reading on a website suggested on here, (thanks whomever suggested this) I learned:

Addicts are often abusers and Patrick Carnes describes how Sex Addiction can be an underlying cause of partner abuse and narcissism (as well as all the other addictions)

This makes absolute sense. He attempted and succeeded for a while to completely break me down to a state where I never questioned his authority as a cover for his addictions, alcohol, and as I have most recently discovered sex; particularly targeting pre-teen and teen girls.

He did the same to his previous wives as well. Sex addicts often view the wife/family as the anchor is their life, that is why he married over and over again.

I can tell you this: he wanted a little girl of his own so bad he could not see straight. He wanted to try at our ages (45 and 50). How scary is that?

I am distressed. I know what the right thing to do is and quite honestly, I don't want to do it.

When I left my first husband, whom I was married to for 15 years, it took me 2 years to get out of that marriage. He fought it every way he could. He fired 3 lawyers to delay the proceedings.

I had walked away with nothing in order to get free. All I asked for was my kids. I was in court every month over stupid sh*t and $10,000 later the judge split custody. I got my 5 yr old daughter. He got my 12 yr old son.
2 years later, I had my son back because he was in mental institutions 3 x for attempted suicide.

I've been down this road with lawyers, money, court orders, more money, and it's a chess game. He who strategizes best and outwits the other can win because of so many legalities involved. I watched the judge throw out my ex H $3000 new lawyer and his motion filed against me because the paper his lawyer filed was not certified properly. My ex didn't have enough money to file it again. Thank God. It was bs anyway. And finally the judge actually said, "Enough. I am granting this divorce."

Look at OJ Simpson...Come on....

So my real distress is knowing what is really involved in the chess game. It gets ugly. Everybody and everything gets drug through the ringer, not just him.

But not wanting a long drawn out fight, is that enough reason to walk away and let this man do to someone else what he did to me? Not to mention what little girls lie in his future.
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:48 AM
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I believe that with my testimony, wife no.2's testimony and a police report she made when she was married to him, a police report from wife no. 3, and my video footage: that should be enough to convict him of domestic violence, even if my video footage gets thrown out.

However, I have been wrong before, and the court system is truly a chess game.

So who knows?
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Old 04-16-2011, 05:09 AM
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If it makes you feel better, you could report what you know to the police, so they can keep an eye on him.

I maintain (and I know something about it), that all of your information would be considered too "stale" to launch an investigation, much less to prosecute or obtain any search warrants.

He may, indeed, be a pedophile. The police can't lock people up for being perverts, only for committing crimes. The fact that he lusts after underage girls isn't a crime. There is no "thought police". The police can only go after someone who has committed a crime (for which they have actual evidence) or for someone engaged in ongoing criminal activity (for which they have a basis to investigate).

If it makes you feel better to tell the police what you know, do it, and then let them do their job. That may be thanking you and putting the information in a file somewhere. And then let it go.
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:43 AM
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I suggest NOT bringing this up to him at all.

Get away from him.
He is violent and abusive, and even the neighbors know it.

You exposing him for this, even though he kind of flaunts it, could enrage him, and set him after you.

I would make an anonymous tip to the police.
Make sure it is anonymous.

Tell them your suspicions. Ask if it can be recorded, as in put on file.
You do not have to divorce him, today, but, stop doing things for him, or reaching out to him, or answering his calls.

It is making you sick.

You dont want to enable his sickness with children anymore than you want to enable his drinking.

Please be careful!
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