Feeling proud of myself!

Old 03-26-2011, 05:33 PM
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Feeling proud of myself!

I am fairly sure I posted here that I did not know what to make of my H being ambivalent (worried about his comfort and pretending it was bc he was concerned about our kids feelings) about attending therapy with the girls today... They see a child therapist- she has asked H and I to both attend with them for their well being. Twice now he's found reasons to not go and then looks for me to "approve" or that or tries to bait me into a fight so he can say he won't go...

Yesterday he said he would not go, then he waffled, then he said yes (I did not pursue him about this once-- he just went back and forth and tried his best to get me to tell him what to do and when I wouldn't he got nasty and tried baiting me into a fight-- when I did not take the bait he got angrier)... Anyway, here's the update... I am feeling really pleased with myself about how I handled things...

Update: It's positive! Last night he wanted me to tell him what to do. I said "T has suggested it's good for us to both be there". He said "okay I'll go". At 11pm he texted me to say "Tomorrow I will not be at the appt w T. I am too upset due to your toxic behavior and my feelings would negatively impact the girls".

I replied that it was appalling he could not put the girls before himself and that I hoped he'd do the right thing (even though I wanted to say great, now I don't have to have you there!)

This morning I told the girls that he wouldn't be meeting us there so as to not surprise them.

5 min before the appt- while we were already there- he texted to say "did you tell the girls I wasn't coming?" I said yes. He then replied "great, now you've set me up to disappoint them". I replied that he was welcome to come. He showed up. It's good he did- for the girls sake.


I am glad about how I handled it bc in the past, that text at 11pm wouldve sent me off the deep end- I wouldve called, texted, gone nuts. None of that occured. I had a peaceful nights sleep. I'm seeing a lot more clearly just how sick and manipulative and narcissistic he is and somehow am feeling better able than ever before to not take it personally to the point that I react.

My non reacting appears to be enraging him and he accused me after the T appt of being "manipulative, toxic, being unaware of how I speak to him, passive aggressive and controlling". I told him I was sorry he was perceiving my behavior that way but that I cared about him and the girls and if he was seeing anything it was that I am focussing on ME and me alone and trying not to worry about what he is doing/thinking/feeling since I can't control any of it... And I said all of this because it's 100% true... In the past I've said this but it hasn;t been really true and I;ve still felt very attached to him and wanting to control his behavior. Not today. I had an amazing T appointment of my own last night and then an even more astounding evening out with my mother and something clicked in me.

I think the fact that I did not defend myself to his accusations made him madder and he said, before driving off "I don't see any point in considering MC (which wasn't on the table anyway) with you since you are so selfish and I think a short sale of the house is in order since you aren't willing to work on this relationship with me."

My reply: if that's what you want, okay. The end. And I did not not reply like this to "get" him.. I replied this way bc I care about ME and I know that doing anything other than what I did is going to harm me and trickle down to harm the girls....

I think that in order for me to "get" some of this I really had to hit my "bottom"... this week I came to the conclusion that my marriage may in fact be over and thought that was my bottom... Then on Tues I was told my job has been cut for next year due to budget crises in the state having to do with education. So, jobless, marriage-less, shocked etc... And yet this week has been the one that I've stayed calm in dealing with H, have really really been able to focus on me and feel stronger than I have in a long time...

Interesting huh?

What I am liking the most right now is that I did not take the bait and react like the crazy woman I have a lot of times... BUT I STILL DID stand up for myself and not accept the verbal crap he wanted to throw at me. If he wants to tell himself, his mommy, his sponsor, his colleagues, his friends etc... whatever he thinks- GREAT! Go ahead. But I do not have to stand and listen to it and I won't.

He is as predictable as the seasons (oh wait- in New England those are not predictable-- it is 28 degrees here today) but you know what I mean... I think that when he sees me feeling stronger, not doing the status quo dance/reaction, he pulls out all the stops to get me to re-engage in the dance with him and know what? My dance card is full-- I'm done.

Is it weird that I actually felt like LAUGHING as I listened to him spew things at me via text and in person in the past day?

According to him -- perhaps the most laughable -- the problem he has with me now isn't that I am overly emotional (that's been his ace in the hole to justify his behavior for years after he'd push me to the brink of insanity) no, now the problem is that I am trying to "fake" being calm but really I am just being a "passive aggressive manipulative b*itch (this was the last text about 10 min ago) who thinks I am acting appropriately and I am clearly so mentally ill that I "can't even see it". Oh and he finished with a kind voice saying "I really hope you get yourself some help". I said "I am and it's really amazing and useful, thank you".

I feel really peaceful which is crazy since there has been a lot of chaos in my life this week-- Go me!
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Old 03-26-2011, 05:46 PM
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You're doing better. At some point, you won't feel the need to respond to those types of texts at all.
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Old 03-26-2011, 05:47 PM
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go you!

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Old 03-26-2011, 05:56 PM
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Yeah, faking calm. How manipulative can you GET?

I hope you remember to put being calm on your amends list...
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Old 03-26-2011, 06:01 PM
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Why are you even surprised? If you lived all those years with chaos, it has to be easier now. You are a lot stronger than you know.

Should you be reading the texts though? It may be a little of getting sucked in to the drama. Delete, delete, delete. Stay here and read encouraging stuff instead, that kind of negative stuff is bad for you.

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Old 03-26-2011, 07:53 PM
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I guess I read it and replied bc it impacted the girls-- If it had been crap just berating me it would not get a reply and it won't... he did text me a ton this morning and again tonight and finally called when he got no reply and I informed him I wasn't going to read texts or reply to them and if he had something to say he could say it directly.

I know his game. Email and text he LOVES bc he can say whatever he wants with no repurcussions. And he can continue to do so but I will just get to be really good friends with the delete button...
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:58 PM
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Yeah, faking calm. How manipulative can you GET?
here's what is funny-- though not in a ha ha ha way... the things he describes/accuses me of are in fact his own behaviors... he has mastered the art of appearing calm but the bubbling, seething, anger is soooo obvious... anyway, i guess since when he is "calm" he rarely actually is, he assumes that the rest of the world (or me at least) are just like him.

is it a common characteristic of alcoholics to be totally untrusting and suspicious of OTHERS' motives even when a) they are the ones who are untrustworthy and b) the people they are suspicious of have NEVER done a shady thing to them and there's no rational reason to be suspicious in the first place? My H has never trusted that what I say, demonstrate etc is as it appears and I used to think it was my job to convince him I was sincere and then I realized (but didn't stop trying to prove myself to him) that the things he doubted in me were actually issues he had-- he is the one whose demeanor and words don't match his beliefs and actions but for years he put that on me and I chased my tail trying to prove myself to him... is this a common alcoholic "tactic" does anyone know?
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Old 03-26-2011, 08:29 PM
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UGH! Why are they all so flippin predictable?! Can one of these guys gets a little more creative?! Reading this brought me back to a few months ago - being called the same thing - blah blah quack. I said not to long ago for him to get a little more innovative with his insults. They are getting old...

Good for you for not buying into this crap. It's crap. UGH!
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Old 03-26-2011, 08:38 PM
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I don't know that it's an acoholic "tactic," but it isn't unusual for PEOPLE to project their own issues onto someone else.

If I don't tell the truth, I might assume other people are liars, too. If I feel bad about myself, then I might assume someone else is suffering from low self-esteem. It's pretty common in general. You can't assume you know what is in someone else's mind.
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Old 03-27-2011, 05:03 AM
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I think you'll get a LOT out of reading this article... it's one of my favorites:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
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