Feeling very down now
 

Staying with my parents right now. After four years of taking care of an alcoholic, I've become indulgent of my emotions. I'm like an uncontrollable baby, in more ways than one. I haven't really accomplished anything in my life other than destruction - I made a mess of my college education, than of my post college career, now of my emotional stability. Just someone, tell me what I should already know. Tell me that I can turn this ship around and stop f**king everything up. I don't really want to be unhappy for the second half of my wasted life. Tell me there's some hope, something to salvage.:cries3:

Sure, you can! But, like turning a ship, it takes awhile and it has to be done by degrees.

Have you been to Al-Anon? It's a good place to start.

Haven't been to al-anon since I left him. I've been going to Buddhist meditation, though. I guess I'm feeling it now cause I blew up at my 65-yr-old mom - feeling like I'm not a 'good girl' and then angry at myself for that even being a judgment. My dad's an alcoholic too. Getting hard to be here. I can't even look at him. The sound of aluminum beer can tabs all day long. It's too much...

I guess to my parents, this is just another failure of mine - one in a long string...

I talked to my husband recently, too. He's still lying. He wanted to tell me that he would be leaving our apartment to go off to his graduate school fellowship and 'taking several plane trips', I guess trying to make me feel jealous. Then he told me that I would have to make up for back rent. I know I'm not supposed to look at his illusion of success, but I can just imagine never getting over this, feeling bitter and playing the victim and living a small life. I just don't feel like anyone believes in me right now, including myself.

Hi,

Of course there is something to salvage, there is you!

I can totally relate to how you are feeling.
When I got out of my relationship with my XABF it was hard for me to see, but just getting out of the relationship was something to be grateful for.
When I no longer had him in my life, I was able to work on myself.

At the beginning it is hard to see, but you can do it. Have you thought about counseling? It has really helped me deal with coming from a family with an alcoholic father and being in a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic.

:ghug3

There is lots to hope for and lots to salvage. I would look into therapy/counseling as a start to support you in making the changes and for healing the wounds you have.

I've had my share of 'knocks' in life, some quite serious so I know things can and do get better but healing and loving yourself are key. That is where therapy can really help. If you tried it and it didn't then you should try again, a good therapist can really help you, esp if there are things from our childhood that we haven't dealt with, those are usually the things that hold us back.

good luck!

I have a therapist, too, though not until Monday. I, also was with my husband for four years. I was living in Europe, feeling very proud of myself that I had escaped my family curse (my sister, my aunt, my father, my grandfather), but I guess I can still find ways of being self-destructive. My mother's upset with me, calling me 'immature'. I guess I'm supposed to suck up all the sh*t in the universe with a smile. Guess I'm feeling mighty sorry for myself right now...

Seeing yourself through other damaged people's eyes is where I had to work the hardest in my self esteem. Not doing that is tough but it is something to practice.

We can't change those toxic people but we can protect ourselves from their opinions and influences by having really secure boundaries.

Glad you are going to therapy.

I don't know as if my mom is 'toxic', just limited - and OH, such and enabler to my violent, alcoholic dad. But I did lose my cool. I let my anger out on her, on him. They're calling me selfish, immature because of it... and right now, I can't disagree with them. I just left my husband, I have no job and my dreams on how to save myself are the same ones I had at 20 and I'm no closer to them. I guess I'm young enough (33, 34 next month), but I'm not young enough to be playing the naive waif who just didn't know any better.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break. You've just gone though a life-changing event. You need to grieve and adjust. Of course you're not going to be all rainbows and puppies right now!! Who would be?! This will pass in time.

:ghug3

Sounds like step one might be to get some financial self-sufficiency going. Get a job, start saving some money, eh? Sometimes you gotta take what you can get, at first.

I've often had good luck with temp employment--sometimes those lead to "real" jobs, and I think a lot of employers right now who don't want to overcommit their resources might be turning to temp employees...

It sucks. I live in NYC. But I'm with my family North until April 15 when the husband is supposed to vacate. I actually believe him. Then I get my apt. back, my dog, the park that I like to walk in... Start rebuilding.
Maybe that's another reason feeling like such a failure. I've been here about a month and a half and I still have three more weeks. I didn;t know how long I'd be here, been trying to keep myself busy, but I think I'm unravelling at the edges a little bit.

Well, that actually sounds pretty hopeful. Three more weeks isn't such a huge deal, or it doesn't seem like it should be.

What's really going on, what is it you feel you need to do so you don't feel like a failure?

Crap, I wouldn't know where to begin. I guess friends would be a start. Moving back here, to NY, man, everything just got really bad. I just stopped giving a sh*t about myself. I just stopped caring. I mean, I worked, but not a job I liked. I guess I just don't want to settle anymore. If I get a job I don't like, I want to use it to make myself find another I like better. I saw someone write that a co-dependent (Hate that word, sounds like a virus) is a reactive character rather than an active one. I wanna be active in my life. I guess I'd start first with friends. Then I'd probably start hitting up more al-anon meetings, though not necessarily in that order.

OK, well, those are good goals. You can start working on both of those things when you get back home. Maybe join a club or organization that does something you're interested in, or get into some volunteer work. Those are all good ways to make some connections with people with whom you'd share interests.

I did a lot of isolating when things went bad in my life. I'm working on making friends, too.

I guess it also bothers me that I don't have a proper career. I would always say "I want to be a writer", I guess as an excuse to continue living my bohemian fantasy. But I don't know what that means anymore. I want something tangible. Everything feels so... vague right now. It just seems I'm too old to be dreaming up this artsy bull. I'm either gonna do it or choose something with a steady paycheck.

I'm retiring in a few months, and I'm starting my own freelance writing business. It's a way to make money and hopefully have time to do some more "creative" writing on the side.

Bohemian sounds great, but the money usually sucks. :)

I hear ya on the freelance drag. I guess my parents' criticisms actually aren't too far off the mark. I'd always think about what writing (or art-making in general) meant, and I'd think it was a monument of a life. It would be something that would enter into the public consciousness and explain if not an age, at least one person's perception of this thing we call 'life'. But it's not a monument. It's a grain of sand that gets lost under everybody's feet.
I'm sorry. This is me at my melodramatic worst. Yeah, when I get back, first think I should do is join drama-queens anonymous. No, I guess I should write this into something.

Hey, art for art's sake is fine. It's just that "success" in that world is, to a large extent, a matter of luck.

Don't give up on your dream for practicality's sake. It's your life, not your parents'. As long as you are self-supporting, you can do what you like. Guilt-free. :)

Thanx Lexie - not feeling as much of a weepy dreamer anymore. I'm gonna sign off now. Really, much gratitude!:c031: