Curious what it's like to be with someone 'new'
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 207
Curious what it's like to be with someone 'new'
We seek what we know. Every guy that I have been with in my life so far was an addict and/or full blown alcoholic and in the end, they were all the same.
I always thought their behaviors was 'just the way men are'.
So I'm curious what it would be like to be with someone 'normal' who is not an alcoholic or an addict. Has anyone ever gone to the 'other side' after being with mostly addicts? What was it like?
I always thought their behaviors was 'just the way men are'.
So I'm curious what it would be like to be with someone 'normal' who is not an alcoholic or an addict. Has anyone ever gone to the 'other side' after being with mostly addicts? What was it like?
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Honestly, I had never dated an alcoholic until my husband. We met when I was 26 and had plenty of previous relationships... none of which included substance abuse.
And I can tell you... there will always be "stuff" to deal with. There is no such thing as perfect... but that being said, without alcohol/drugs in the nix, you can actually work on the other emotional stuff.
Arguing with alcohol is frustrating and unproductive.
And I can tell you... there will always be "stuff" to deal with. There is no such thing as perfect... but that being said, without alcohol/drugs in the nix, you can actually work on the other emotional stuff.
Arguing with alcohol is frustrating and unproductive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
My ex was an Alcoholic. But before I dated him, I dated someone who was "normal". I broke up with him and when I was with the A, I wished I had never broken up with the first guy. It is a WORLD of difference. Everything comes so much easier. The relationship didn't feel like a job like the relationship with the A. I never cried, felt crazy, or had to monitor his drinking. In fact, he never got drunk. He wanted to spend time with me and didn't pull away when I wanted to get close. I never second guessed anything because it was natural. He was mentally healthy. We had a real connection. But, i grew out of love like in any relationship and moved on the be with the A. That's when the crying, frustration, and crazy feelings started. When you are with a "normal healthy" person, trust me, you WILL know because it won't seem like a job and you won't feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
*MY* problem has been not being attracted to 'normal' guys.
That's how I used to 'tell' if they were nice guys.
I wasn't interested in them.
But I can smell a 'bad' guy at a hundred yards.
So I decided to go to work on that.
Maybe if I got "me" well enough...
nice guys would become attractive.
That's how I used to 'tell' if they were nice guys.
I wasn't interested in them.
But I can smell a 'bad' guy at a hundred yards.
So I decided to go to work on that.
Maybe if I got "me" well enough...
nice guys would become attractive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 287
Being able to get close to someone without them pulling away is HUGE. If someone let's you get close, that is usually a good indicator that they are mentally and emotionally healthy. They love themselves so therefore they aren't afraid to let you love them too. Alcoholics are obviously not healthy and do not love themselves so why would they let you love them? They are incapable of being emotionally present in a relationship which is usually why we don't feel "whole" when we are with them. Something always feels like its missing and that missing key ingredient is true emotional intimacy and closeness.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
I will
I don't know but I am going to stay in alanon long enough to find out.
I will remarry. I will have a normal relationship. I will have a man in my life who is not A, abusive, selfish, or any other ugly words that come to mind.
I will. I will. I will.
I will remarry. I will have a normal relationship. I will have a man in my life who is not A, abusive, selfish, or any other ugly words that come to mind.
I will. I will. I will.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My son's dad was 'normal' (but that is a stretch). I agree with what everyone here has said in terms of judging if a person is good for a relationship, the tougher part is breaking the patterns in the kinds of people we seek out for a relationship regardless of whether they have an addiction or not.
Normal is what gives you the great life/relationship that you know you deserve. So if you know you deserve the best then hopefully you will find it
Normal is what gives you the great life/relationship that you know you deserve. So if you know you deserve the best then hopefully you will find it
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
I have always joked that if I couldn't find more feasible ways of employing myself, I would hire myself out as an alkie detector.
Take me out with you and a group of your friends while you try to meet the man of your dreams. Let me watch for a few hours as you interact with him. Get to know him a little better. At the end of the night, if I think he is cool - RUN AS FAST AS YOUR FEET CAN CARRY YOU.
I wonder what I would even call that kind of business venture.....
Take me out with you and a group of your friends while you try to meet the man of your dreams. Let me watch for a few hours as you interact with him. Get to know him a little better. At the end of the night, if I think he is cool - RUN AS FAST AS YOUR FEET CAN CARRY YOU.
I wonder what I would even call that kind of business venture.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I didn't get married until I was in my mid-thirties. I spent most of my early adulthood going from one "bad boy" to the next. If someone was interested in me and showed respect I would run away.
I wanted and would seek out a challenge!
I think what I was doing over and over again was recreating the relationship I had with my father. I think subconsciously I thought if I could change at least one of these bad boys and MAKE them love me, maybe I'd be able to do the same thing with my father?
My husband is a "nice guy". I remember on our first date thinking that he was not my typical choice in men, but I decided to stick with it and see where it went.
We've been married for almost 13 years. Although he's not an alcoholic he is also an ACA (which I found out later). That probably explains why I was conformable with him to begin with and why he was able to tolerate my emotional instability/immaturity.
When we first started dating, he was definitely emotionally healthier than I was and being with him sort of forced me to deal with my issues. For example, he wouldn't let me blame him for all of our problems and he wouldn't let me storm off and not talk about things.
I too think all relationships require work, but I'd say that the stuff that my husband and I work on in our relationship progresses over time. We'll work something out and then move on to the next issue. You feel like you're going somewhere.
In the dysfunctional relationships I had, it seemed like we just kept working from the same script. An extended run of a bad play. The longer I stayed, the better we got in our "roles".
Thanks for letting me share.
db
I wanted and would seek out a challenge!
I think what I was doing over and over again was recreating the relationship I had with my father. I think subconsciously I thought if I could change at least one of these bad boys and MAKE them love me, maybe I'd be able to do the same thing with my father?
My husband is a "nice guy". I remember on our first date thinking that he was not my typical choice in men, but I decided to stick with it and see where it went.
We've been married for almost 13 years. Although he's not an alcoholic he is also an ACA (which I found out later). That probably explains why I was conformable with him to begin with and why he was able to tolerate my emotional instability/immaturity.
When we first started dating, he was definitely emotionally healthier than I was and being with him sort of forced me to deal with my issues. For example, he wouldn't let me blame him for all of our problems and he wouldn't let me storm off and not talk about things.
I too think all relationships require work, but I'd say that the stuff that my husband and I work on in our relationship progresses over time. We'll work something out and then move on to the next issue. You feel like you're going somewhere.
In the dysfunctional relationships I had, it seemed like we just kept working from the same script. An extended run of a bad play. The longer I stayed, the better we got in our "roles".
Thanks for letting me share.
db
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Reading your title, the line from Top Gun comes to mind...
"Well, I don't know, but it's looking good so far."
Have been emailing a "friend" for months. He's now let it be known that he's interested in being more than friends, but is extricating himself from a sticky relationship, so we're going very sloooowly. As in, if I have a date by June, I'll be thrilled. Might be Christmas though. But that's ok with me. Slow is good. I'd probably screw it up if it were any faster.
The thing is, I can talk to him, and he actually talks back. He clarifies when there's awkwardness. Apparently, he also feels as though I walk on water. It's nice to be worshipped.
Oh, and his wild days are behind him. What a concept! He's probably a bit codie, but that might be nice for a change.
Did I mention that we've been emailing for 9 months now? (And I'd say "set-up" by a friend if we'd actually been set up. Perhaps "facilitated" is a better word. She insisted he was a nice guy. I prefer nice guys. My XAH was a nice guy before he started drinking. )
Here's hoping. But not too soon. Wouldn't want to rush into anything.
"Well, I don't know, but it's looking good so far."
Have been emailing a "friend" for months. He's now let it be known that he's interested in being more than friends, but is extricating himself from a sticky relationship, so we're going very sloooowly. As in, if I have a date by June, I'll be thrilled. Might be Christmas though. But that's ok with me. Slow is good. I'd probably screw it up if it were any faster.
The thing is, I can talk to him, and he actually talks back. He clarifies when there's awkwardness. Apparently, he also feels as though I walk on water. It's nice to be worshipped.
Oh, and his wild days are behind him. What a concept! He's probably a bit codie, but that might be nice for a change.
Did I mention that we've been emailing for 9 months now? (And I'd say "set-up" by a friend if we'd actually been set up. Perhaps "facilitated" is a better word. She insisted he was a nice guy. I prefer nice guys. My XAH was a nice guy before he started drinking. )
Here's hoping. But not too soon. Wouldn't want to rush into anything.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Have been emailing a "friend" for months. He's now let it be known that he's interested in being more than friends, but is extricating himself from a sticky relationship, so we're going very sloooowly. As in, if I have a date by June, I'll be thrilled. Might be Christmas though. But that's ok with me. Slow is good. I'd probably screw it up if it were any faster.
My impulsive moves into relationships ended very badly.
Asking questions and getting good answers right now.
He knows my history.
It is going well so far.
My insecurity can make me uncomfortable sometimes. Still working that.
Friggin abandonment issues. Curse you!!!
Here's hoping. But not too soon. Wouldn't want to rush into anything.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I am went to the non-dark side and it has been great--but not before I did a lot of work on me so I did NOT go back to the dark side.
So far, I have to say, WOW! Honesty, no histrionics, no put downs (I even get told I'm pretty when I have had a bad day and to me I look like was was just dragged through glass--hmm is that not honest). He works for a living instead of leechng off of me and has the greatest smile I have ever seen-it even makes it all the way up to his eyes. He is not selfish but he is not selfless either. He makes me laugh, not cry.
So far, so good. I continue to work on me. I have let him know my boundaries and he does not push them. We have been seeing each other for 6 months and dating for about 3 months. We too are taking our time. We have talked about "merging" but in 2 years. Previously I would have stepped into a trap in a couple months and then be sorry. Not sorry now :O)
So far, I have to say, WOW! Honesty, no histrionics, no put downs (I even get told I'm pretty when I have had a bad day and to me I look like was was just dragged through glass--hmm is that not honest
). He works for a living instead of leechng off of me and has the greatest smile I have ever seen-it even makes it all the way up to his eyes. He is not selfish but he is not selfless either. He makes me laugh, not cry. So far, so good. I continue to work on me. I have let him know my boundaries and he does not push them. We have been seeing each other for 6 months and dating for about 3 months. We too are taking our time. We have talked about "merging" but in 2 years. Previously I would have stepped into a trap in a couple months and then be sorry. Not sorry now :O)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
A counselor once told me, "We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."
That's why so many of us from alcoholic homes, myself included, are more comfortable with those from similar backgrounds.
That's why so many of us from alcoholic homes, myself included, are more comfortable with those from similar backgrounds.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Every single relationship I've had has been "toxic" either because of the guy, or because I was a raging controlling codie.
The person I am seeing now, and have been seeing for over a year, is...*very* normal. Some would say even "boring", which is probably why when we hooked up 6 years ago, it didn't work. I was still looking for the bad boy and this guy just isn't that. He's the eldest son of an Italian-Irish family..very dedicated to his family and deeply moral. He has a job as a teacher and has been doing that since we graduated 9 years ago. He has never borrowed money from me and often likes to pay for things, though he doesn't get offended if I do. That's a RADICAL change from XAH the Moocher.
Our interaction is SO easy. There's no drama. There are no threats and no fights. We have had a few disagreements that have resolved themselves in a matter of minutes, with clear communication and understanding. I can be fully honest with him about touchy subjects and he is aware of my triggers (and I of his). We have laughted, we have romance, we have an understanding about our duties to our family, and we share many core values. He's VERY flexible especially considering he's dating a single mom who lives with her parents at the other end of the city. I'm not in any rush to get hitched or anything, but so far, things are going sooooo nicely.
The person I am seeing now, and have been seeing for over a year, is...*very* normal. Some would say even "boring", which is probably why when we hooked up 6 years ago, it didn't work. I was still looking for the bad boy and this guy just isn't that. He's the eldest son of an Italian-Irish family..very dedicated to his family and deeply moral. He has a job as a teacher and has been doing that since we graduated 9 years ago. He has never borrowed money from me and often likes to pay for things, though he doesn't get offended if I do. That's a RADICAL change from XAH the Moocher.
Our interaction is SO easy. There's no drama. There are no threats and no fights. We have had a few disagreements that have resolved themselves in a matter of minutes, with clear communication and understanding. I can be fully honest with him about touchy subjects and he is aware of my triggers (and I of his). We have laughted, we have romance, we have an understanding about our duties to our family, and we share many core values. He's VERY flexible especially considering he's dating a single mom who lives with her parents at the other end of the city. I'm not in any rush to get hitched or anything, but so far, things are going sooooo nicely.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Well said duqld........I too broke off a normal relationship for a new, exciting one. Little did I know what I was getting in to.
On another note, I have been separated from my A for about 7 months now. I happened upon what appears to be a nice, NORMAL man this weekend. So the chatting begins. Oddly enough, his last relationship ended because she was a chronic gambler. Anyway, it feels....nice. so far. I will let you know when I can actually answer your question!
M
On another note, I have been separated from my A for about 7 months now. I happened upon what appears to be a nice, NORMAL man this weekend. So the chatting begins. Oddly enough, his last relationship ended because she was a chronic gambler. Anyway, it feels....nice. so far. I will let you know when I can actually answer your question!
M
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