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Detaching or being just mean

Old 03-25-2011, 04:29 PM
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Detaching or being just mean

I'm having trouble with detachment.Sometimes I feel like I'm not detaching but just being down right mean.Nothing over the top,just daily operational type of things.I feel my anger comes out at awkward times.I don't know how to explain but it just seems wrong.
Anyone else have trouble like this?
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Old 03-25-2011, 04:42 PM
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I did at first.

I was so hell bent on NOT complying
I came off as a ... mean person.

ALso
I'd be way too harsh
because it took such a 'push' to get whatever I needed to say out
it came our like a stomach punch.

It's a part of the learning curve.

Taking up for yourself is not being mean.

That's one of those ingrained things like
if we throw away food
someone is gonna starve in India.

It took me forever
to be able to throw away food.

I think it's kinda the same thing.
When we're raised that taking care of ourselves is 'bad'
that's a whole 'pavlov's dog' thing that we're trying to re wire.

It comes easier over time
and there's no guilt attached either.

Hope that helps?
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Old 03-25-2011, 05:52 PM
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I think that is a codependency type of response.

Feeling "mean" when maybe you are just feeling intense stuff. As long as you don't act out what those mean feelings are then maybe it is ok?

My therapist said I have a problem with showing my anger: "I'm really mad! But not 'that' mad and is it ok that I am mad? Please don't be upset..."

Sad isn't it. It is codependency speaking.
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Old 03-25-2011, 06:05 PM
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I have read this book called Love First and part of it talks about detaching. Basically it says that detachment is good, but you should detach with love. It is normal to feel angry, mad, etc. But I don't think its healthy to take out that anger on someone else - even if they are the ones who incite that anger.

I faced this same predicament when I first started teaching. My first class was 8th grade history, and the kids were completely nuts. They had already been through a revolving door of teachers and scared all of them away. At first I was too nice. I quickly learned that being nice wasn't working however, and I went to the other extreme, being mean.

The trick, I think, is to detach while at the same time being loving. It can be hard and it is a constant balance but it can be reached.
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