buttercream

I have been diligently practicing detachment and enjoying it, as my AH has tried to cut down on his drinking the past few weeks. He has been working around the house, fixing things, getting our cable package enhanced, etc.

Then today, he realizes that he doesn't want to be married, can't give me what I want, knows I deserve much more, and needs to be alone for the weekend. Is it a coincidence that he has this realization on a Friday when he can go drink his "sorrows" away with his buddies? According to him, this has nothing to do with alcohol, though.

So, all of my good effort at detachment went down the drain because I was so offended that HE would want to leave ME. If he wanted to get a reaction out of me, he got it. I brought up divorce again, so we're back to doing the divorce two step. Should we-shouldn't we? Today, he thinks its for the best. Really?? The guy who hasn't cleaned a bathroom, mopped a floor, or taken care of anything for 5 years...the guy who has treated me like a bank...the guy who has trouble holding down a job and paying his bills...thinks being alone and single is best for him? Really?? Will being single really make him happy? Maybe because he won't feel accountable to anyone for his drinking.

It really bothers me that if we divorce, his "story" will be that he doesn't want to be married, so to the next woman who comes along and his buddies, he looks like a cool, tough guy who doesn't want to be tied down. Ugh!

I can't tell whether this is reality now or just another alcoholic ploy to go on a bender away from home for the weekend--thats how much I've been jerked around lately. He has been a mess for the past few months (since DUI#2). I can't believe anything else he says, why should I believe this? But, he seemed resigned to this...today, anyway.

I guess I just need some support tonight since I'm home alone, and he's out doing who knows what (well, drinking), not wanting to be married. Being divorced is not what I want. He's supposed to pick up his stuff tomorrow.

LaTeeDa

Really? Why?

L

suki44883

the guy who has trouble holding down a job and paying his bills...thinks being alone and single is best for him? Really??

It doesn't matter what is "best" for him. What matters is what's best for YOU. You DO deserve better, so he is right about one thing, even if he didn't really mean it.

It really bothers me that if we divorce, his "story" will be that he doesn't want to be married, so he looks like a cool, tough guy who doesn't want to be tied down to the next woman who comes along.

Once you have truly had enough, it won't matter to you what his "story" is.

I can't tell whether this is reality now or just another alcoholic ploy to go on a bender away from home for the weekend.

It's probably a little of both. He wants to go drink, so that's what he's going to do.

The only thing you have to do is decide what it is YOU want. Do you want to continue on the way you have been, with someone who obviously does not care about your feelings? You really do deserve better. I hope you realize that.

buttercream

I like being married (maybe not to this guy?), and I hate dating because it was always so hard to find a decent guy. I'm 41 now and think its going to be even harder. I don't need a husband to take care of me. I just want someone to share my life with.

LaTeeDa

So, you're willing to settle for this because dating is hard and you don't want to be alone?

I'm not judging and it is, of course, your life to do with as you please, but it really does seem like selling yourself short.......

L

suki44883

There's nothing wrong with being married, IF you are married to the right person. It doesn't sound to me like you are. Are you sharing your life with him now? He's gone for the weekend drinking with his buddies. Is that sharing your life with him? Again, you deserve better.

buttercream

When my friend--who knows us both--heard this, she said he's exactly right.

I know I deserve better, and I hear it all of the time from everyone, but I didn't find "better" before, and I just don't see "better" anywhere else. Man, that sounds depressing, huh?

suki44883

There are worse things than not being married. Being married to someone who disrespects you and just leaches off you is one of them. You'll never find out if there is someone better out there for you as long as you stay tied to this guy. This guy sounds like he wants out anyway, so take the opportunity to begin living your life for YOU. You can have an active social life without being married. Who knows what might happen if you just start living your life?

buttercream

Thanks suki, you are so right.

Rationally, I know this marriage is doomed anyway. I didn't mention above that he is about to leave for an overseas deployment for a year (deployment #3 for us). Even if things were good, making it through another deployment would be difficult.

When I met my AH, I got caught up in his potential, and I'm still struggling with extricating his potential (and even who he was) with who he has become. Its all so sad.

suki44883

It's okay to be sad about it, but don't let it stop you from doing what's best for YOU. I think the fact that he kind of turned the tables and made it sound like he wants out just threw you for a loop and bruised your ego a bit. It's understandable. It still doesn't mean that it isn't the best thing for you to let this one go and get on with your life.

BTW - 41 is not old. I wish I was 41 again.

barb dwyer

And look at all the extra money you'll have.

That's how I told my last ex to go.

"I'm cutting my expenses. From now on, No money for anything that doesn't bring me pleasure. Have your stuff gone by Friday."

I was making money hand over fist after that.

I know it hurts, but there's aspects that are positives
in ways we can't see when we're mired up in the hurt part.

LaTeeDa

FWIW, I was 45 when I got divorced. Married 20 years, couldn't even picture myself "single." Now, I wonder what I was so terrified of. These past 4 years have been the best years of my life--so far.

L