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feeback for boyfriend problems

Old 03-25-2011, 12:11 PM
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Unhappy feeback for boyfriend problems

Hi there, little about me, I met a great man about 7 months ago, we have a fantastic relationship. He is very open sweet and smart. I knew he had a past with drugs and alcohol but 3 months in he admitted he had started again. He told me he was checking himself into rehab. Well four months later, he has completed a 90 day program and is now in sober living and working the hell out of his program. I got into Alanon about 2 months ago, I have been blessed with the best sponsor I could have possibly chosen and I too am working the hell out of my program lol. This is my dilemma:

Although I completely understand that his program and recovery HAVE to come first, and I know that its up to me to make myself happy and entertain myself, I still at times just get flustered about time with him. We work separate hours he works nights and me days, so we only get to see each other on the weekends, which as you might imagine I was hogging all his time on weekends. I realized this was a mistake. My sponsor has told me how his head is spinning and that they say he should not be in a relationship right now but it is something we both want and she and his sponsor are cool with it because we were together before he found sobriety and have a very good calm sweet relationship without alot of drama and I am in program also and doing my best to understand the situation.

At the same time, my sponsor has told me to completely back off, which I did, I dont call or text him first and I leave it up to him to contact me. Her point was even if he is in recovery, he should be doing the pursuing, which I totally agree. Me and my boyfriend worked out a system to where he asks if I want to get together a day ahead of time and its working out really good, it gives both of us freedom to do our own thing and it makes him come after me. And he has stuck to it wonderfully. I am very happy about that.

So knowing all this I still find myself bummed out if he dosent seem excited to hang out on the weekend (which has only happened once, lol) I know that is not right for me to do. I have a ton of other things I can do and I do have alot of friends and things to keep me busy and happy but I really miss him and want to spend that time when we have it. If he was into me wouldnít he be a little more excited for the time we have to actually spend together? I know I should just be thankful that he is sober, treats me great and is very open about what he is going through and trying his hardest to make everything work out. I may bring this up to him at a later date but at the moment Im trying to get my head right about it first. Believe me I realize how much he has going on, Saturdays he has a meeting, then goes to a treatment center to talk to the people in detox and then meets with his sponsor. I get Saturdays are hard im not saying im entitled to eat up all his time but I worry a bit that he isnít feeling me the same way I am him.

Im trying to find the difference between alcoholic behavior or to try to understand if maybe he isnít as interested as I am. I understand the principles of Alanon, but I still get bummed out about it at times. I am going to call my sponsor here in a minute but thought I might get some good feedback on here also, anyone have an suggestions or examples of how they have dealt with the same type of situation?
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:19 PM
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hi and welcome!
I hope you'll find the support here
and the help and friendship that I have.

about your post -
"behavior" is an outward act
based on what's INside our heads.

it sounds to me like
you've still got HIM first inside your head
and as long as that's the deal

then yeah - the whole rest of your life is just
going through the motions
something to pas time between these
golden meetings.

His recovery really DOES have to come first
not just LOOK like it's first.
But your recovery ALSO has to come first
not busy work between liasons.
That's not a life.
that's still living THROUGH someone else.

I totally agree with your sponsor.

Your head needs to be filled .. with YOU.
Not him.

SO I'd go hang with all these other friends
and fill my time and my head
with the entire rest of the world that's out there.

it's actually a really cool place.
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:22 PM
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COming here to SR is a wonderful way
to supplement your work in Alanon

(sorry the computer timed out or something)

and I think you're off to a great start!
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:30 PM
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Julie -

I think your emotions are totally normal. You are in love with someone and you want to spend time with them and you want them to want to spend time with you. There is nothing to feel bad about.

However, because he is sick and actively trying to get better, it is going to be hard for him to attend to you and address how you feel. You must accept that it will not be a "normal" relationship in the way that you want it to be. In the future when he has been sober for some time, and his mind and body are healthier, he may then begin to address concerns within the relationship. But, I don't think that is the main concern. Like you have mentioned, you're not so much worried about his recovery as you are about whether or not he actually likes you.

And the truth is, you won't know until he is healthier. He may have only entered the relationship out of need or loneliness. There is no doubt about it that you are taking a risk. It is up to you whether you feel the risk is worth it. In order to quiet your doubts you may try to get assurance from him - which is why you feel inclined to call. But you must realize that this is unfair. He cannot give you the assurance you need.
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Old 03-25-2011, 02:21 PM
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Honey. This is really about you and not him. i go through the same thing with my boyfriend. Sometimes I find myself creating drama or getting depressed about things when what I really should be doing is focusing on myself and my life - the more diverse my life is, the less needy I feel. The less needy I feel, the better I feel about relationship with my boyfriend.

Do you have a plan for your life about where you want to be in 5 years? Specific goals. Do you want to graduate from college, go back to school, be making more money, own a house? These are the things that you can focus on in your life. These are things you have control over.

Your relationship, if it's meant to be, will be, so let go a little, and focus on yourself. No amount of pushing or neediness or control is going to change the way things are going to turn out with your boyfriend. That's why you need to focus on yourself.
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Old 03-25-2011, 02:37 PM
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WOW thank you so much everyone for your honest replies, I kinda knew It was more about me. I really do have a good full life but I always put the men in my life first. I know this is one of my biggest problems. I am going to check out a CODA meeting next week I think it might be more specific to my problem but will for sure still keep on with Alanon, I have a long history of alcholic boyfriends lol so I see the need.

And to Kitty, Its funny you ask im in the process of selling my business and going back to school, I should put more energy and worry into that than how my relationship is going, huh lol

This program is just blowing me away, I have learned so much about myself the past couple months and I am just loving reading all the literature and it does help so much to relate to him and understand more what hes going through and my confidence is building so much since I read the dilemma of the alcohoic marriage, it really shed some light on past long term relationships. thanks again everyone for the input!
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Old 03-25-2011, 05:39 PM
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He is pretty early into his recovery work still. So the focus has to be on that. Relationships involve emotions; recovery is about handling emotions in healthy ways. He is re-learning how to 'feel' things so maybe that is why it seems like he isn't as 'excited' to be around you. It may take every bit of his capacity to spend the time with you because of how hard he is working on himself.

Seeing as you guys consider yourselves IN a relationship with all its ups and downs, it seems like you've given up the control of the relationship to him (per your sponsers well meaning suggestions) about when to call, letting him do it.. etc. That is sort of like walking around on eggshells. Recovery is about working out solutions to his life's problems; not about other's cushioning life for him. I find your sponsor's advice not so on the mark in that regard. It doesn't seem to address your need for more time, better communcation etc. If he cannot give you those things, whether you call first or not won't make a darn bit of difference. But that is just my opinion.

Relationships are about reciprocity right now my RABF cannot give back so then that is when I re-evaluate why I am in this. Again, that is just me and my situation. I am at the "I'll leave you be to recovery and when you need me, you know where I'll be" stage. He could NOT have a true relationship as I NEED at this point because I am about both people being fully participating in the relationship equally. I had to let go of things and am not sure what will emerge when he is done with treatment but that is because I was tired of feeling like I was doing all the giving and getting crumbs back.

Just ton't let go of what YOUR needs are to protect his recovery, that is my point. Cuz that isn't what YOUR recovery should be about.

But you are being very very patient and supportive and he is LUCKY to have you. Stay YOU!
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Old 03-28-2011, 11:59 AM
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@ babyblue, thank you, you had some great points, what a great site this is, its so nice to have people who understand what you are going through, other friends just dont understand the deal enough to offer any advice that applies, thanks again!
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Old 03-28-2011, 01:25 PM
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I'm glad you are in Alanon...

...and I'm impressed that you figured out just how much of a problem this is:
Originally Posted by julienamana View Post
I really do have a good full life but I always put the men in my life first. I know this is one of my biggest problems. I am going to check out a CODA meeting next week I think it might be more specific to my problem but will for sure still keep on with Alanon, I have a long history of alcholic boyfriends lol so I see the need.
It took me a lot longer to figure this out about myself in that you and I share(d) this dynamic. In my opinion it's the biggest part of my problem. Learning to change this in Alanon has changed my life and helped me to remember what happiness is (also around my teen daughter).

Well done Lady, and good luck!

Cyranoak

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Old 03-28-2011, 02:21 PM
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@cyra, thanks! Its nice to know there are other people out there with the same problems as me, now the hard part is going to be changing things, any good books youve found on the subject of putting yourself first?
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Old 03-28-2011, 03:39 PM
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You are most welcome! I completely related to your post actually. And the responses are helpful to me as well. That is the beauty of SR!

Loving someone who is knee deep in recovery work is tough. Letting go of any percieved notions of control I thought I had on how he is treating me is the most freeing of feelings actually.

It doesn't place huge expectations on him (which he cannot possibly live up to at this point, even if he wants to) and it doesn't set me up for repeated disappointment.

Feel free to send me a message if you like. I'm sort of going through the same thing.. bit different context but I was all 'what the heck is going on??' until I accepted that he has to do this for himself first if we are ever going to have a chance to succeed.

Get out and enjoy the sunshine on your own.!
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Old 03-28-2011, 04:06 PM
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@ babyblue I would really like that, it would be really nice to talk to someone one on one who understands my situation. Im new to the site I tried to post a message on your page but it said I have to have 25 posts on the forums and I only have 7. If you can find a way to message me that would be great lol
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Old 04-01-2011, 02:16 AM
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Not a book guy...

...too much trauma from a drunk woman constantly pressuring me to read self-help books. I couldn't get over the irony then, can't get over the resentment now.

That said, there seems to be a general consensus around here that Melody Beattie is a Goddess, especially amongst the ladies. Try some of her stuff, starting with Co-Dependant No More. Easy to find on Amazon, and often at used book stores.

Cyranoak

P.s. I actually am a book guy, and an Alanon Literature kind of guy, but that's where I draw the line on self-help literature.

P.p.s. Ok damn it! I read some of CNM. Just a little bit. Ok, maybe a little more. Dang it! She's winning...


Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
...and I'm impressed that you figured out just how much of a problem this is:

It took me a lot longer to figure this out about myself in that you and I share(d) this dynamic. In my opinion it's the biggest part of my problem. Learning to change this in Alanon has changed my life and helped me to remember what happiness is (also around my teen daughter).

Well done Lady, and good luck!

Cyranoak

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Old 04-01-2011, 12:52 PM
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well its a week later, usually a high stress day for me to see if he is going to ask me out for tomorrow and what do you know, I feel serene today, its not the most important thing in my world lol. I finally told an X not to contact me anymore, and im feeling super happy and optimistic. I am finally really starting to put myself first, feels pretty damn good. Cant tell you how much you guys helped me see what was important. I see that I will be ok wether he does or not, took me a long time to get here, hope this feeling stays with me for the rest of my fridays lol
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