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what should i do?

Old 03-25-2011, 10:28 AM
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what should i do?

Yesterday all day my ABF was nice as can be...it was just disgusting I think. I love you's and general nice behavior. I didn't feed into it and just kinda avoided him. By the end of the night he was a little frustrated that I wasn't "nice" back...(not that I wasn't nice, I just wasn't all happy joy and touchy lovey...). I just was kinda mellow..whatever and ignored him for the most part.

I went to bed early and so did he.

Today I am at work and he is home. He has the truck but there is no gas in it. He has a debit card of mine that is attached to an account of mine that I use to transfer money from my main account whenever I need to send him to the store for me and he needs money. So his friend owes him $100 and got paid today and he is begging me to give him $10 to get gas to go get it. With the promise that he will return it as soon as he gets it from him. I know that he ows him money, so I know the story is true.

However, I don't want to help him. He let this friend borrow the money 3 weeks ago when he got his tax return and he has money a bunch of times that got spent on alcohol. Now he can't get down to the city to get the money he is owed. His problem, right?

I am behind on my bills and I got paid today and have about $80 to last me 2 weeks. So I can't afford to loose $10 this pay period. I had to pay double rent to catch up. But the problem is that I am enabling him by giving him the money because he got what he needed despite him having the money earlier this week and spending it.

I offered to let him take my car when I get home around 6:00 and he refuses saying that he is worried that his friend will have left work by then (he would stop at his buddy's job) and have spent some of what he owes him. I call that crap. Not to mention it would only cost about $3 or $4 in gas in my car.

He says hes stir crazy in the house all day...oh well...

He needs the money to buy a carton of smokes ($50) and he claims the rest will repay me and buy a few groceries for the house...

BUT--if I don't I can guarantee that we will have a big fight tonight. I know he will go steal alcohol like he always does, get drunk and mess with me, possibly end up with the cops coming to the house. AND I DEF DONT WANT THAT.

I'm fairly confident that he will give me the $10 back...but its sooo giving into him. If I don't decide in the next 20 min he won't have time to get there and back before DS gets off the bus.

HELP!
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:30 AM
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I got my new lease signed today, starting Apr 1st without him on it. He is allowed to live there, but he will no longer be on the lease. I have warned him of this but he doesn't know it is done. If he causes me problems after Apr 1 I have a good chance of being able to get him to leave now...just FYI
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:34 AM
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I should also mention that I gave him $12 yesterday to go to the doc to get his cast on for the hand he broke punching the kitchen counter last week when he was mad at me for calling the cops.

I only did this because it was for a doc appointment. Not a great excuse, but probably the best reason i guess...It generally cost about $12 in the truck to get to the city from our house. My car cost around $6..gas is just under $4 a gallon here. The truck is a hog..
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:47 AM
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well, i guess it doesnt matter now...the POS went and used the card anyways. I went online and I'm negative $1 for the hold. So I had to transfer it in there anyways to make sure it's covered.

He is texting that he thought I had $4 in there from before, blah, blah...I'm so pi**ed!

$4 wouldn't have gotten him even one way there, so I know he charged more than that anyways.

I usually get the card back from him as soon as I can after he uses it but I forgot the other day and when I remembered we wernt getting along and I didnt want to deal with it...

Now he just says "sorry..I'm not missing out on getting my money".
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:51 AM
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I wasn't sure whether to post or not since I'm still new to all this. But just my 2 cents, If I borrowed money from a friend, I'd be the one driving to their house to pay them back. His friend doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.
Sorry this happened to you though.
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Old 03-25-2011, 10:58 AM
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actually his specific text after I texted said

ME: "U used the card and went anyways!!! Now I have no choice to transfer $10 in there"

HIM: "U said there was $4 something in there before...I'll put in the other 6. Thansk a lot"

(Thanks? WTF, is he just bad at manipulating me in trying to make me think I allowed him to use the money?)

ME: "No, ABF, I never said anything like that. I said I had $3.68 left in MY account yesterday before getting paid today and nothing in the second account."

HIM: "Sorry, Callie (not my real name), I'm not missing out on getting my money."

ME: "I want my truck key and debit card returned to me tonight when I get home. Your friend wasn't going anywhere and you know it."

Whatever...I'm just boiling now...I'm stuck at work while he's out beating up my truck with my money, getting his money to spend on what he wants...only in preparation to deal with his drunk butt again tonight because he has enough money to get enough alcohol/beer to get blasted...
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
I wasn't sure whether to post or not since I'm still new to all this. But just my 2 cents, If I borrowed money from a friend, I'd be the one driving to their house to pay them back. His friend doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.
Sorry this happened to you though.
I agree and I mentioned that earlier but he is claiming that his friend doesn't have enough gas money to drive up to our house. We are about a 25-30 minute drive (About 30 miles) outside the city where I work and his friend lives/works. Part of it was he was looking to get out of the house because he is home all day with nothing to do...AKA no alcohol to keep him busy so he also needed something to do/somewhere to go.
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:02 AM
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Why are you associating with this person at all? You're making plans to live separately. Is a restraining order necessary?
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by SSIL75 View Post
Why are you associating with this person at all? You're making plans to live separately. Is a restraining order necessary?
He is not really aware that I am trying to get him out of the house and I don't feel it is safe for me to warn him right now. I have mentioned it to him last week and he blew up at me with physical violence and the police had to remove him for the night. That was the night he broke his hand punching the counter. I had a restraining order but foolishly dropped it and allowed him to move back in 2 months ago. Yes, a new one is necessary and I'm worried I will not be able to obtain it again because I let him come home after dropping it the first time. I can get him out on Apr 1st and we still have a court date set for Apr 25th for "a family offense" or whatever that means. I am trying to play along until then.
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:23 AM
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Since you have the car
go to the bank and close that account.

take the money
(whatever is left)
and open another account.

DO THIS TODAY!

see what's left -
use your paycheck if you have to to open the new account.
don't get a bank card for now - use checks.
There's also in some stated the option
that the bank card is not valid if the driver's licence is not swiped
at the time of the transaction.
see if you can get that option.

otherwise - just hang tough for the weekend
and get checks.

It's YOUR money.


if anything is left over - then worry about him.
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:39 AM
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From the sounds of it, you are fully supporting him - a roof over his head, food on his table, a truck for him, gas for the the truck. He's getting quite a bit from you.

What are you getting out of this situation?

I know it's hard to say no. Especially when we've gotten ourselves in so deep. But we need to realize that we are not victims in these situations. We continue to GIVE them the money. For the first 2 years AH and I dated, I paid EVERYTHING... rent, utilities, groceries, fixed up his truck, bought him new clothes... the list went on and on. And yet, every single paycheck of his went to alcohol and I just couldn't figure out how to get him to pay his share!!

Until I wised up and stopped supplementing for him. I started small by stop paying his motorcycle payment (hit him right where it hurts!!!)... and 3 months later, "Hi Mr. Repo Man!!!" "OH AH, the repo man is here to talk the Harley. Geez, did you fall behind on those payments?!?!" :-) Consequence. And guess what, he learned REALLY fast how a budget worked.

If we continue to bail them out, they will not reap the "rewards" of their irresponsible behavior. If it was me, I'd take the debit card away and never give it back. I'd take the keys away for my truck, and then I'd tell him that he has XX days to come up with a plan on how he's going to provide income towards household expenses, otherwise - he's out. You're not a half-way house... and even if you were, even they have expectations for resident to participate as best they can.

Just a thought... take what you like and leave the rest!
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:43 AM
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Originally Posted by callie212 View Post
He is not really aware that I am trying to get him out of the house and I don't feel it is safe for me to warn him right now. I have mentioned it to him last week and he blew up at me with physical violence and the police had to remove him for the night. That was the night he broke his hand punching the counter. I had a restraining order but foolishly dropped it and allowed him to move back in 2 months ago. Yes, a new one is necessary and I'm worried I will not be able to obtain it again because I let him come home after dropping it the first time. I can get him out on Apr 1st and we still have a court date set for Apr 25th for "a family offense" or whatever that means. I am trying to play along until then.
NO. Absolutely do NOT wait. Go to the cops RIGHT NOW. Just because you dropped the first one, that does not in any way shape or form mean you don't have a right for a new one. You have a police report for the incident when he punched the counter. Take that to the Town Judge and get an A Order (blocking him entirely from the residence).

Please call the domestic violence hotline or a near by crisis center. I don't know where in Upstate you are, the Vera House in Syracuse is a wealth of information.

You need this man out of your house now.
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Old 03-25-2011, 11:50 AM
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Originally Posted by callie212 View Post
He is not really aware that I am trying to get him out of the house and I don't feel it is safe for me to warn him right now. I have mentioned it to him last week and he blew up at me with physical violence and the police had to remove him for the night. That was the night he broke his hand punching the counter. I had a restraining order but foolishly dropped it and allowed him to move back in 2 months ago. Yes, a new one is necessary and I'm worried I will not be able to obtain it again because I let him come home after dropping it the first time. I can get him out on Apr 1st and we still have a court date set for Apr 25th for "a family offense" or whatever that means. I am trying to play along until then.
I agree that a DV shelter sounds like a better plan of action.
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:06 PM
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K, so let's establish something first.

Arguing with an active alcoholic about money is as useless as untangling a ball of yarn your cat (or toddler) has gotten into. It's POINTLESS. It's easier to snip away at the tangle or throw away the ball and start with a new one.

Your partner is a mooch and a liar, like mine was. There was ALWAYs some valid excuse why he needed x,y,z, and about why he couldn't repay me, or about how he HAD repaid me but I'd forgotten like the b*tch that I was, etc etc. You know this drill; it's maddening. Considering the man is abusive, there is even less point in arguing. Arguing might get you beat up. Again.

Now, your lease has been changed so that on April 1st, you're the only leasee. How are you planning on getting your partner out of your house then? I may be mistaken, but the way you portray him, he is a bloated tick feeding off you any way he can. He's not going to let go of his favourite enabler without a fight.

I wonder if you shouldn't be discussing the situation with your landlord. Generally, you need to give a person warning before they relocate, though I'm not sure about the legal delay required by your city/state. Again, talk with the landlord...and perhaps make a non-emergency call to your local police. Ask them hypothetical questions...as in "I want to kick out my mooching partner. His name won't be on the lease as of April 1st. How do I get him to leave?". If you can't get answers from them, then call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and see if they can refer you to an organism in your area.

Other SR members have asked / forced their A's to leave. Perhaps it would be wise to post a thread about the topic to get some answers from them.

I don't mean to scare you, but I forsee that just telling your A that he needs to leave on April 1st may result in some drama, and as it has happened in your case, violence. I think you may have to devise a strategy, and FAST, as it's already March 25th.
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Old 03-25-2011, 12:14 PM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
K, so let's establish something first.

Arguing with an active alcoholic about money is as useless as untangling a ball of yarn your cat (or toddler) has gotten into. It's POINTLESS. It's easier to snip away at the tangle or throw away the ball and start with a new one.

Your partner is a mooch and a liar, like mine was. There was ALWAYs some valid excuse why he needed x,y,z, and about why he couldn't repay me, or about how he HAD repaid me but I'd forgotten like the b*tch that I was, etc etc. You know this drill; it's maddening. Considering the man is abusive, there is even less point in arguing. Arguing might get you beat up. Again.

Now, your lease has been changed so that on April 1st, you're the only leasee. How are you planning on getting your partner out of your house then? I may be mistaken, but the way you portray him, he is a bloated tick feeding off you any way he can. He's not going to let go of his favourite enabler without a fight.

I wonder if you shouldn't be discussing the situation with your landlord. Generally, you need to give a person warning before they relocate, though I'm not sure about the legal delay required by your city/state. Again, talk with the landlord...and perhaps make a non-emergency call to your local police. Ask them hypothetical questions...as in "I want to kick out my mooching partner. His name won't be on the lease as of April 1st. How do I get him to leave?". If you can't get answers from them, then call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and see if they can refer you to an organism in your area.

Other SR members have asked / forced their A's to leave. Perhaps it would be wise to post a thread about the topic to get some answers from them.

I don't mean to scare you, but I forsee that just telling your A that he needs to leave on April 1st may result in some drama, and as it has happened in your case, violence. I think you may have to devise a strategy, and FAST, as it's already March 25th.
I just wanted to respond quick to say I read this message and I will reply later about what I understand about making him leave on Apr 1st. I'm at work and things got a little busy.
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:43 PM
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Callie... don't know if you're still on or out the door and into your weekend...

But I want to second what Noday has said... you need to be scared. You're in a situation that is escalating fast. You need him out of the house, and in NY that is done with an A Order of Protection. You have all the evidence you need to get that (police reports of violence)... take that to the Town Judge and get the Order, today, NOW. And then get your DS and get to a DV shelter. If your son is home with the ABF, ask for a cop escort to go home and get him.
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:48 PM
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Here's document that clearly details the process of getting an order of protection in NY...

http://www.inmotiononline.org/assets...ion_in_NYS.pdf
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Old 03-25-2011, 02:08 PM
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Hugs, Callie. XAH used to pull the debit card thing or writing bad checks all the time.

Him: I only pulled out $5.00
Me: I told you we didn't have anything in the account until you posted your paycheck.
Him: HR messed it up again; I couldn't cash it.
Me: So there was, and is, NO MONEY in the account and now we have an overdraft fee of $25 for the $5 you pulled.
Him: So next time I'll just pull out a couple hundred and then the fee won't seem so large.

What??? Didn't matter that I tried to tell him that it might be a criminal offense to write checks when you know there's no money to cover it. Not for him. That's why they have overdraft fees. Then he did start pulling $300 here, $500 there - all without depositing anything.

I completely second the suggestion to close the account, cancel his card. Please do call the DV resources though. They'll also help you with any plans to get him out of the apartment/house safely.

XAH got incredibly mad when I actually did close the account, even though I told him weeks in advance that it was going to happen.

Take care of yourself. Keep yourself safe. Sending you hugs, wishing you peace and continued strength.
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Old 03-25-2011, 03:44 PM
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Callie (fake name ).. I get that you're making plans to have him out of the place.. I'm glad you are looking into another possible restraining order. I hope you do these things, I really do. What concerns me for you, is that if you're still enabling his every whim, and engaging in his little dances with daily mundane things, how are you working on getting yourself unenmeshed from him completely? You came here for advice about 10 dollar debit, when this man is destroying your entire life. I mean, wtf.. the friend had the 100 dollars, of course he had money to use for gas to bring it to your boyfriend. The 100 dollars. But boyfriend decides you need to pay that fee instead. That's a bully move.

I *hope* you are making some serious and permanent plans on getting this (%&#(@ out of your life.
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Old 03-25-2011, 04:45 PM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
You came here for advice about 10 dollar debit, when this man is destroying your entire life.
Absolutely worth quoting.

CLMI
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