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is she enabeling her?

Old 03-25-2011, 07:34 AM
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is she enabeling her?

Hi,

I was wondering, is my sister enabeling my mum? My mum knows i wont tolerate her drinking and from that if i see her and shes abusive, thats it im gone (most times) because its not worth the added stress. However, my sister is still the age where she wants to get reconigition from her mother.

she will take her abuse. Now, she knows no different, but thats not the point. I dont care anymore if mum drinks, but my precious sister does. My mother and father are seperated not long and i think my sis has a hard time coming to terms with her moving out. Because of this she still want to spend time with her mum (understandably).

So from my sister staying at mums on the weekends...is this enabeling her? Also i dont know how to make my sister come to the realization that mums behaviour can only damage her more. She just wants time with her mum, drunk or not...
Any ideas on how to make my sis realize she is only harming herself would be apprichated as well...
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Old 03-25-2011, 07:49 AM
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There really is no way to make anyone "realize" anything. You can shout yourself blue in the face or write a hundred letters/emails.

Since you've already established a boundary about your sister's drinking, then perhaps it's time to step away from her and her enablers, whoever they may be. You can still have a relationship with your sister, just not when she's drinking.
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Old 03-25-2011, 08:02 AM
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I don't know that you can make your sis realize this. However, you might invite her to an AlAnon meeting or two with you. Maybe she will hear something that will help her to set her own boundaries and maybe she won't.

Unfortunately, the only one we can fix is ourselves.

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-25-2011, 08:07 AM
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Just like how you can't change your mother's behavior, you can't really change your sister's either.
Your mother will drink if she wants.
Your sister will enable your mother if she wants.

That said, I do agree with Laurie that encouraging her to go to some Al-Anon meetings may be extremely helpful.
You may need to set some boundaries with your sister, too, at some point - if she tries to drag you back in to enable your mother.

I understand it's difficult to see your sister get hurt... But it's your sister's decision, not yours.
The best you can do is make her aware of the places she can go to for help (you can't make her go, although you can offer to take her), and be available for her when she starts reaching out for help with her own recovery.
Aside from that, everything is in HER hands, not yours.

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Old 03-25-2011, 09:02 AM
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Does your sister even recognize openly that there is a drinking problem?
If so, is she old enough to understand that?

You could make a boundary, and tell yourself, "I will send her/give her these things to read..(checklists for al-anon, alcoholic behavior,etc) in order to give her the chance to gain knowledge about what is really happening." Then go HANDS OFF.

That is all you can do. If she chooses to stay in denial, or in an enabling scenario, then she chooses that. and that is out of your control.

If she is a minor, and she is in danger, then you may need to protect her.

Otherwise, if she is an adult, then I would give her the literature/links, then let her figure it out, or ignore it.
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Old 03-25-2011, 09:07 AM
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Al anon for the two of you would be perfect...but if she dont go....i think its time for you....good luck...

also, you work what works for you...and no one else
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:39 PM
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This isnt to sound like im shooting Al-Anon down or anyhting, but i cant attend a group because i have social anxiety. My sister wont even go to the doctor to talk about her issues and the steps she can take. She is stubbern like that and wont do anything that is in her best interests.

See the thing is...when my mum was living here she was physically and mentally abusive. I worry that my sister is going through this on her own now.

For example tonight my mum was drinking. I had already told her i was droping down (i was only going down for my sis really & i hadnt actully been down in a long time either). I went down for 45mins as i couldnt stay there - no way. I wanted my sis to come home with me but there was no talking to her. So i took on board that there was nothing i could physically do and left.

I dont care about my mum, f**k her, it is my lil sis i want to protect. I will find it REALLY dificult to just let her go down all the time but hey, what can i do? I have come to realise...nothing is the only answer.

I have told her about this site and told her i think she would find reading about things very interesting and helpful for her. I have also told her how i am coping much better with mum too and tried to encourage her to do the same things as me. I also just give her lil tips on things she can do to her herself.

Originally Posted by Buffalo66 View Post
Does your sister even recognize openly that there is a drinking problem?
If so, is she old enough to understand that?
Oh yes, there is no hiding the fact that my mum is an alcoholic. She is old enough to understand that too, yes. I think slowly she may find her way of dealing with my mum, as i did.

When i think of how i was at her age i hadnt found the best ways to deal with things were, but as another year or two went on i became to the realization that nothing would change if i didnt. So i changed my responce to my mum (still have much difficulty, but i can mange her better then b4) and am hoping she can too...in her own time (i would prefer it to be sooner rather than later tho!!)

Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
There really is no way to make anyone "realize" anything. You can shout yourself blue in the face or write a hundred letters/emails.

Since you've already established a boundary about your sister's drinking, then perhaps it's time to step away from her and her enablers, whoever they may be. You can still have a relationship with your sister, just not when she's drinking.
I think you didnt understand my post well. I was asking about making my sis realising that being arounf my alcoholic mum will do her more harm.
But thanks anyway !!!
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:46 PM
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How old is your sister? If she is a teen there is al-anon just for teens. It may be difficult for a much younger person to understand what 'enabling' is all about.
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Old 03-26-2011, 07:48 PM
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I think you're doing exactly what needs to be done. Keep on talking about your experiences and how you are getting stronger despite suffering your mom's abuse. I do this with my sister, too. We both suffered under my abusive, alcoholic dad and watched as our mom catered to his every wish and desire. It's a tough way to grow up.
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Old 03-26-2011, 08:41 PM
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My sis is 16, 17 next month. I highly doubt she will go to Al-teen. There is another issue atm in her life that needs addressing and we cant even get her to the doc to discuss recieving the professional help she needs - so stubbern!!! And as well because she thinks see is managing when i know she is not...

I think i am doing my best. I just wish there was more i could do for her sake, ya no?
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Old 03-26-2011, 08:51 PM
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I don't know that your sister is "enabling" your mum just because she spends time with her. You can let your sister know you are there to help her if she wants it, but you can't force help on her any more than you can your mum.

You can be a healthy example to her, though.

Hugs,
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