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Held Hostage by Suicide Attempt?

Old 03-24-2011, 06:24 PM
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Held Hostage by Suicide Attempt?

This is such a tough topic to post on: I'd like to share what happened Friday night.

You may have read my last post on Shellcrusher’s thread on Confrontations where I proudly described the detached way I carefully returned my AW to our old home after an event where she was drinking at our new home. She'd slipped after 3 weeks of not drinking and lots of recovery work, and was full of "oh my god what have I done, I've ruined everything".

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ontations.html

Others have also posted about suicide threats and their use in manipulation by the alcoholic. I also had some advice early on to be careful about these threats with underlying psychiatry. (there may be some)

Next morning I was quite unprepared to find her semi-conscious in her bed having taken a couple of week’s worth of depression meds. The most shocking part was she didn’t tell us. So fifteen hours on I find her in a pretty bad state. She claims she tried to vomit in the night but unable too had resieigned herself to the end.

Now she had possibly called after taking the overdose but I was giving quite short responses on the phone and a bit of a polite brush-off when she did (assumed it would be the usual "stuff").

Long story short: 11 hours in E.R. in observation and rehydration. Psych. doctor sees her and the remorseful declaration of will to live adn so decides not to admit. She is back at her homeand full of remorse at the damage and the set-back to her recovery.

My programme work really helped me deal calmly with the ordeal. Later on I even went out for the night with friends down from Dublin who I hadn’t seen for years and had a blast: Wouldn’t have done that before (and definately didn’t the first time this happened)

I am left with two thoughts,

1. What if anything does it change to how I remain detached, now that she will really do this.

2. How to resolve the untenable situation of the emotional terrorism without ending up with blood on my hands, potentially. This point assumed I would be in some way responsible, which i suppose I am not but her acts relates directly to my choices and decisions.

I remain committed to my temporary separation of myself and daughters, and we have kept the present arrangement.

Feel like I'm in a holding pattern...Any thoughts?
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Old 03-24-2011, 06:36 PM
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(((HUGS))) I know how frightening and troubling this is. My daughter half-heartedly attempted suicide 5 times in a 2 year period. I say half-heartedly because what she did wouldn't have killed her, but it got her the attention she wanted. A couple of weeks worth of anti-depressants isn't likely to kill someone. I've found out that it's a lot harder to kill oneself with pills than most people think.

You ask how this incident should affect your detachment. If it were me, it wouldn't change my detachment in any way. If you allow her stunt to bring you back, she will have gotten what she wants and anytime you try pulling away, she knows she can just take a bunch of pills and you'll give in.

Your second question pertains to the possibility of "blood on your hands." If your wife were to actually succeed in suicide, you would have no blood on your hands. What she did was directly related to HER OWN bad choices, of which this was another. No one can fault you for taking care of yourself and your daughter (or am I confusing you with another member?). Please don't let her manipulate you into trying to "take care of her." You can't. Chances are good that she won't try anything like that again, but then again, she might. My daughter tried multiple times until I finally said ENOUGH and made her find another place to live; something she never thought I would ever do, and quite frankly, neither did I.

I know how scary it is when they pull a stunt like that, but do not allow her to benefit from it in any way.
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:05 PM
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I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that situation. I have been in your same shoes on several different occassions. It is still painful to this day to think about those episodes. Looking back I don't think my AH would ever have carried his threat out, I definitely did not think that was the case when we were in the situation. I tried many times to differ the situation myself. Finally learned that it was best to just call 911 and let the professionals deal with AH. After one of AH's last attempts I was truly traumatized and it ultimately led to our current separation.
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by reefbreakbda View Post
her acts relates directly to my choices and decisions.
Reef - this topic is beyond my experience but the above statement is false. Her acts relate to her choices and decisions. You did not dump pills down her throat and you cannot prevent her from doing so if that is her choice.
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Old 03-24-2011, 08:04 PM
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"Held hostage" is a good way to put it. Whether she intended (consciously or unconsciously) to tie you to her, that's the effect it is having on you.

It isn't healthy for you (or even for her) for you to stay tied to her out of fear for what she might do. Staying out of fear, or even honest concern, isn't love. It isn't honest for either one of you.

You can tell her she's a worthwhile person and it would be a sad thing if she gave up on herself. You can tell her you have faith in her ability to recover, but that you can't do anything more for her, and that it's her choice whether she wants to live or die. You can tell her you hope she chooses to live, but it's her call.

Help is out there, but she's gotta want it.
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Old 03-25-2011, 01:23 AM
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(((Hugs)))

I am glad you went out and had a good time. You deserve those good times.

My therapist says we all carry our own world of experiences, memories, patterns from childhood, from our parents... there's no way we can cure anyone else... our only job is to cure ourselves. That's all. And that's a full time job for life.

"The language of letting go" by Melody Beatty is a wonderful book I recommend
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