Ponder

I just found this forum last night and it has opened my eyes to a lot. I won't go into my long winded crazy story, because I bet after a while they sound all the same. I have been in another online help group for over three years for a totally different reason, a disordered emotionally abusive ex-husband. Change the names, places and faces, but the core behavior never varies I've come to notice.

But the basics about me are that I have been living with my alcoholic boyfriend for about three years, however I have known him for over 20 years. So I knew he drank a lot, but didn't realize how bad it was. Neither one of us planned on having a relationship with each other, at least I didn't. I look back now and realize it was way too damn soon after my divorce to jump into a relationship, especially after an abusive one.

Anyways, after reading for hours last night and this morning, I'm seeing myself in so many of the posts here. I found myself crying at a few as well. I'm starting to realize I'm going to have to let him go in the near future. In two months I will be graduating and getting a college degree. I've been unemployed for two years while a state program has helped put me through school. So, right now, I'm financially dependent on him. However, I have promised myself when I get a job and get back on my feet so to speak, things are going to change around here. I love him, but I will not live like this for the rest of my life. I wasted 17 years on an abusive POS already, threw my "good years" away on that low life. I will not waste anymore of my life catering to someone elses dysfunction again.

Thanks for listening

StarCat

Welcome to SR.
I am so glad you found us here.
I am also glad that, little by little, you are working on the things you need to do for you.


You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
We understand.
We've been there, too.

Ponder

Thank you for the warm welcome. I'm so glad I found this place, it's validating what my gut has been telling me for over a year now, but kept denying. It's never going to get better.

kmkluvr1

Hi and welcome, i just found this place too, and it is amazing, it is crazy that just reading other posts can inspire an empower you to be strong, and yes it does validate what you have been feeling the whole time. Good luck to you and congratulations on school. Hang in there, you can do this, alcoholism is progressive and it only gets worse.

TakingCharge999

Yes it is chronic and progressive.

Welcome, Ponder!! I am glad you are choosing a new life for yourself!! YOU are worth it !! I am also tired of my old life and my old self. I am very happy and hopeful about how I can shape my life to be like. Overall: peaceful.

StarCat

Perhaps it's because it removes one of the "weapons" they use to keep us in their grasp/influence?

We are no longer alone.
We are no longer isolated.
We are no longer keeping the secret.

Ponder

It tears me up inside though. He's a 180 from how my exhusband used to be. In all these three years he's never uttered an angry word at me, belittled me, or made me feel worthless like the Ex did. But I know and I see how draining it is to have that big elephant in the room too. It's not only mentally but physically exhausting on the bad nights.

zrx1200R

Welcome.

You are not alone. And you are very wise to see where you are, warts and all. Moving on will be hard. But looking back to this era 20 years from now will be so very, very easy.

Ponder

I'm just tired of carrying the torch, trying to light the way to a better life for him. It's heavy, and not mine to carry in the first place, I see that now. The stories of his physically abusive childhood make me want to puke, and it's no wonder he turned to the bottle to numb his pain. I was the first person he ever told and spilled his guts about it to.(that he even remembers anyway) Since he opened up to me two year ago, he has gotten better, but better doesn't mean sober. It's so obvious he still has so much more baggage he still trying to drown, and won't talk about.

I had really high hopes that once he started talking about it more and more that somehow the alcoholism would subside and magically go away. It's like he was never taught and learned how to cope with life's difficulties. The only solution he sees when life gets crappy is to crawl into a bottle.

barb dwyer

Welcome!

Cyranoak

Ponder this: you get it now. Well done, welcome to this forum, and congratulations on your pending degree and your new future.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Impurrfect

(((Ponder))) - welcome to SR!!

I've read many stories, on here, of people who have had horrific childhoods, tragedies, etc. Yes, it is a reason many people turn to drugs/alcohol. However, I've seen many of these people work a strong recovery program.

At some point, we have to take responsibility for our lives, as adults. Whether we need counseling, meetings, or friends on a place like this, we realize that we are responsible for OUR behaviors. We can't change others, we can't change the past (ours OR theirs), but we can make today and our future the best it can be by taking care of ourselves.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Ponder

I so agree. Only he can make peace with those horrible memories and the battered child that still exists in his mind.

God knows I wish I could change my own past, all those wasted years.. but the only thing I can and have done is learn from it and let it go.

Thank You.

TakingCharge999

Years were not wasted, you learned ... they say life is not made to be happy but made for us to learn... so according to those standards we are doing well lol

Letting go of the past is HUGE! and it brings so many rewards.