tjp613

Hi Friends - Sorry for the OT - just need some validation or something.

Briefly, for those who don't know me: I came to SR because my son was/is an addict (he's better now and living on his own). But I stay here because I've grown and learned so much...and SR is just the greatest place on earth for support of all kinds.

My DD17 was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety. I'm a single mom and we've been thru hell for 8 months...first with suicidal ideation and ditching school, then a 30 day hospitalization, now intense outpatient...and now compulsive shoplifting. She was arrested last night and I'm sitting here waiting for her to be released after posting bond (which I took my sweet time doing).

I've been thru all kinds of sh*t, especially in these last 5 years...and I never cry.

I want to sit down and sob a river, it would feel so good, but I can't. I feel like there's something wrong with me.

Prayers please? Thanks.

StarCat

I didn't cry when my grandmother died while I was in college.
She was a large part of how I stayed sane, and her loss really affected me...
She died of Alzheimer's, she had it for a few years, it was obvious towards the end that it wouldn't be much longer... Still, her death was a shock, and I wanted more than anything to be able to cry.
But I couldn't.

Looking back, I think it didn't feel "safe" to me, at least subconsciously. Looking back, feelings were frowned upon in my household, with the exception of my mother's, nobody was allowed to have any feelings, so crying was something a "little girl" did.
I didn't live at home, but I was still trained that way.

I wasn't able to truly mourn her until February of this year.


I don't have any advice for you, all I can say is - maybe it doesn't feel "safe" enough to cry yet? Maybe your subconscious is afraid that you can't move forward if you acknowledge your feelings?

fourmaggie

it works at everyones pace....hummm, could this be medical? dunno

chicory

(((Tjp)))

You certainly have been through some tough things. I can see that you have had to remain very strong, to make it through and do what needed to be done.
Perhaps you feel like if you let go and cry, your strength will go with it? But , it won't. Running from the sadness and grief that comes with situations like this, with our children, will not work for long. You have to sit down, let the sadness catch up with you, cry, and then you will pick yourself up, and carry on. And I think that crying clears the mind,and maybe helps us to sort things out.
you and dd have my prayers dear,
chicory

jmho.

gns

My prayers are with you!!

barb dwyer

*prayers*

TakingCharge999

Prayers and hugs. Like Starcat I also did not cry for my deceased grandmother. But I no longer feel guilty. For some reason I couldn't and still haven't, although I felt sad.

I got no issues crying but I have many issues getting my anger out of my system. In therapy I have done visualization exercises where I get my anger out in my imagination. I CAN do that. And I feel a release afterwards. Perhaps a therapist or counselor could guide you through such exercises where you visualize yourself crying and working through those feelings? After all the mind does not recognize what is real and what happens in our imagination. In therapy I imagine I receive apologies from people that hurt me, for instance and the next day I get a feeling of closure that helps me let go in an emotional way not only a rational one.

Painting and writing may also be good outlets....... I am of the opinion that as long as it gets out somehow in a safe way for you and others then its healthy.. hope you feel better soon! have you asked your HP to help you with this? Since I asked for help about my anger my prayers have been answered.

Ponder

Like Starcat, my grandmother, who was my only grandmother suffered from Alzheimers. When she finally passed I didn't cry either. I think for me, it was more that I had grieved her "death" before her body died. In the end, the person in the nursing home wasn't the grandmother I had known, it was an empty shell.

Sometimes we reach the point of no more tears to shed. jmho

Buffalo66

I didnt cry for years, then I did, then I didnt, then I thought I couldnt, then I didnt want to...

Now I can, and I do. I think for me it has been a matter of giving myself at least 30 minutes each day with no expectation, no one clawing at me with needs. It does usually end up at the end of the day. But it kind of wells up, but I have to create space for it to happen in, and then give myself permission.

Toxic tears.
better out than in.

Give yourself a place and time everyday. It could be the same place and time everyday. I bet if you shut everything else down, and "meet" yourself at the same time, same place, everyday, after a while the part of you that needs to cry will trust you and let some out. might take a minute, or a month.

Kassie2

* prayers *

I don't know if it says anything about you or not. Crying comes from sadness, not crying is not feeling sad. Perhaps you are feeling something different like frustration/anger/ tiredness? Not to worry about one more thing.

reefbreakbda

For me it took a good psychotherapist to help me "feel" the feelings, and it all came out rather unexpectedly.

SoloMio

I find it difficult to cry... I relate to not crying when you think it's warranted--I never cried when my mother died, even though we were close--but she had suffered for a while with emphysema and went downhill slowly with heart failure related to the emphysema. I think when she died, frankly, it was a bit of a relief, and it was a pure gift that I was there with her when she died.

BUT, when my DOG died, I cried for two days...what's with that??

When my counselor prodded me to get beyond the intellectual (which is a comfortable place for me)--I felt myself start to tear up, but just bit my lip. Did not want to do it. Not sure why, because it would have felt great.

tjp: You're facing a lot right now, and probably just feel like you have to maintain the fortress for some reason. If you give yourself a safe place to let it down, maybe you'll find the release.

wicked

I really get the word fortress. When things are bad, and get worse I raise the drawbridges.

I also relate to what chicory said about strentgh. I had been taught since I was a child that tears are not allowed because they show weakness. And, I never want to show weakness because then "they" could get me.

When I thought about my dog dying, my bottom lip started to tremble.
I dont know what is up with that.
But, tears have always been deep deep deep in me, and it takes alot to bring them out.
I have to be furious first and then feel the sorrow.

Beth

tjp613

You people are so awesome -- I just cant say it enough. I love you all so much and i've never even met you. Such wisdom and generosity -- thank you all.

I was talking to my cousin earlier about this and she said it's because of the Lexapro (anti-depressant) I've been taking for 8 years!!! She said she and one of her friends noticed the same 'side effect' while on it. And you know what?....it fits!! Isn't that wild?

But I've always been like "this"... y'know, people always say, "Gosh Terry, you're so strong!" blah blah blah. Maybe I am in some ways, but I am just as vulnerable as any other human being, that is for sure.

Here we go, arm in arm, eh?

Thanks everyone.

BTW - BARB -- it's so great to see your beautiful face in your avatar!!!

Impurrfect

(((Tjp))) - I cry, more often, when I'm angry. There are times, though, that I feel a good cry would help, and I just can't seem to do it. I found that watching something on TV that MAKES me cry, opens the floodgates. It doesn't have to be sad, just something that brings the tears.

That's interesting about the Lexapro...considering others have had the same side effects, it very well could be what's going on.

I'm sorry for all you're going through. I've always been told what a strong person I was (just like my mom was), but there are times I don't WANT to be the strong one...I just want to be that little girl sitting on mom's lap, again, and that's not gonna happen (she died in '91). Coming to SR has helped me, more times than I can count. I've cried sad tears, happy tears, and grateful tears. Even when the tears didn't come, I still felt better just because of all the great people here.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

kiki5711

I haven't cried in a LONG time. The only time I cried is when I got drunk, then I had a crying/pitty/sobbing session till I passed out.

I guess I've been in "state of perpetual schock" from all the drama and hardship in my life. Now that I haven't had anything to drink in almost a year, I have not cried at all.

keepinon

TJP..Lexapro could be part of it..sometimes when I need a good cry, but just can't get it going, I will watch a sad movie..something with a dog dying (animals get me WAAAY more than people)..it can be just enough to trigger the tears and get some relief..

fourmaggie

aaah so it was medical...prescriptions...

i recommend the "notebook" movie...when i need a release, i put it in...(with a full box of tissues)

there, i feel much better now...